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Tall, handsome, well-built, articulate, intelligent, yet often grossly inaccurate man, 38.

Cynics (and some cheap psychiatrists) may say ‘pathological liar’, but I prefer ‘creative with reality’.

Despite being half Cornish, physically has perquisite normal number of arms, legs, teeth and fingers (mostly non-webbed).

Comes complete with sense of humour, unfortunately an acquired taste as is so dry it is desiccated, so gags often useful. Will admit to being a masochist, which is probably why it works in a career that involves political machinations and being shouted at by angry people in public meetings. Career choice also ensures plenty of verbal , and begging, so only natural this carries over into other areas of life.

Comfortable discussing things over a bottle of wine in a nice restaurant or chained naked on the floor (wine optional) but understand conversation may be more controlled in the latter than the former.

Why not join me in my 36-bedroomed mansion on my estate, set in 400 acres of wild stag-populated woodland in Northumberland? Other venues available and possibly more easily accessible.

Not frightened of rejection (see job description above) but can offer good company and sometimes amusing anecdotes.