The Break Up

[ey****]

One thing that makes this post difficult is the amount of backstory needed - so, for length, I need to cut a lot out.
One thing to be clear, there's a lot I talk about which is how *I felt* at the time and was perfectly valid feelings - but over a year later I can look back and feel "it's a shame, but sometimes stuff doesn't work out"
---
I stood near the bar. Drunk. Slowly sipping a glass of coke as I tried to sober up before returning to my awful airbnb.

I'd spent the last hour or so people-watching in a fetish club.  It was nice. Nobody knew me here. It's a long while since I'd been somewhere where nobody knew me. (Well, I say nobody, the organiser knew me but she was working.) It was nice to be a little anonymous and not have people rush up awkwardly and wonder if they should apologise that my relationship had ended.

Part of me wondered if I should even be here.  The whole weekend-in-London was very kneejerk.  But, something I was hoping would cheer me up or stop the *** I felt.  Which, in turn, I didn't know if was a bad thing, would I be desperate to take something out of this so I didn't feel I'd wasted my time or ***.

Still.  The *** spent was *** I'd been saving to see my Mistress. We should have been filming the day before, but that got cancelled as our relationship ended.
Obviously she had no problem filling my place.

I felt it shouldn't have been like this. By admission, I'd been struggling. There were problems I'd probably just made up in my head, but probably a little validity.

She'd always said if she got booked for the OWK I could accompany her.  Then she got booked and talked me out of it, but did offer me an opportunity to accompany her to Germany instead. I accepted that.
She'd then been telling me this no longer looked possible, even though she was still going, and that - actually - in her plans for 2019 I didn't really feature in terms of filming or events.

I felt a few things about this.
There was a little optimism, one of the things she smiled at me in our very first meeting was "Plans change" and so, I had a little optimism plans could change to include opportunities for me outside of just sessions and such.

Part of me wondered if this was a test. Whether I'd retain loyalty if she removed what I wanted.  Of course I retained loyalty. But, to tie it into my next point...

Part of me wondered what exactly I'd done wrong. If she still wanted me around. Why I wasn't good enough.  Why in my 2 years in a relationship with her I was getting less opportunities than someone she'd just met 6 months ago, who hadn't even heard of her 8 months ago.

I started pushing my limits in tasks and games and this was becoming really unhealthy for me.

So, we did have a little filming day booked. It didn't sit right with me because it felt like she wasn't doing it for the right reasons, like it was put together through pity or something.
That said, the little plan did involve us having a little chat afterwards - and so I'd been scribing things I wanted to discuss.  Having time to think about it meant I could scribble out anything where I could see I was being unreasonable - but, ultimately, I wanted to know what was going on. Was she happy with my contributions? Is there more I could do? Where am I going wrong? Am I going wrong? 

I had had some false optimism.  
She was meeting the Lady she'd been organising Germany with and I half hoped the result of this was that I would be able to attend.
Imagine my excitement as they posted on Twitter they'd organised TWO big opportunities.  I thought, well, if Germany doesn't happen - maybe there's something else.
The next day we'd been messaging backwards and forwards and she said there were some new rules coming.
I asked if there's anything I should be prepared for, "nothing should come as a surprise"

I was excited.  I thought "new rules" would clarify my shortcomings.
I was wrong.

The new rules came the next day, and, well, there were surprises.  There were also a number of points that were vague and I needed clarification on.

So, I replied to every point - sometimes just "of course", or "I did that since day one" but some...
"Adopt a bill of a minimum of £31", "Join my OnlyFans", "Buy my clips" and a few others was like, hang on - you're asking for almost an extra £100 per month.  I can't afford that.  She'd also asked for a contribution towards the cost of the film day (the one that I didn't ask for that felt like pity anyway)
I felt put on the spot.
She clarified that it didn't have to be 'every' clip - I asked that if I was paying towards filming, could I have some content for my store (an agreement I knew she had with another sub) and she said I could have ONE.  Which felt.... ugh.

I apologised and said I'd leave her in peace as I knew she was busy.

The next day I asked where she wanted the bill *** sent, "Let's schedule a call" she replied.

It felt ominous.

This was a Thursday and she wasn't available for a call until Sunday.

Something didn't sit right.  

Perhaps I'd already convinced myself she was getting rid of me that, by the time the call came, I talked myself into it.
But, we got through the 90 minute call, that began with "This isn't working, is it?" and ended with a "OK, let's have a few days to think"
It had gone via a number of avenues - one offer was to "continue without the collar" - perhaps I should have discussed more what that might have entailed - but, to me, if I wasn't in her plans now... this was just an extra barrier.  

Tuesday. She announced a new sub was under her consideration.  No, she hasn't done this, has she?  She really hasn't done this? This is her having a potential plan to help us both she's going to come up with me... she hasn't really...
Tuesday evening, she told me I was dismissed.

The. Fuck.

I cried for 3 days straight.

There's different stages in dealing with a break-up and I had a lot in seemingly random orders.

I started overanalysing things I could/should have done
I started regreting not wanting to look at what "continue without the collar" looked like
I got angry that I felt she'd entrapped me into breaking up by pricing me out of the relationship
I got angry that, effectively, I was being dismissed over some of my struggles when there were folk in her group who had, in my view, done a lot worse.
I got angry I was effectively replaced.
I got angry I'd broken/pushed limits.
But also a lot of sorrow. This was someone I'd placed a lot of trust into over time, we'd explored different types of play "for her" and of course had been building a few things up.  It seemed a long way back to square one with a prospective future relationship.
Who would even want me? I felt that "everyone knew"/"everyone saw". I felt people knew more than they probably did. Or that maybe they'd assume, and judge.
How do I move on from here?

And I kinda felt a little jealous of her, not just some of her other subs.  But, she could just carry on with her other subs - for me - everything stopped.  I felt so distant and alone.

But, as days go on. I could feel she was hurting, and it hurt me that I'd hurt her.  It looked like she was doubling down with other subs.  But, I don't feel this was a "Ha, my life goes on" but using them as a comfort because she'd lost me.

Which, then further fucked with my head thinking that she didn't really want to lose me.
I just couldn't gather on what terms she wanted to keep me.

Back to the bar in London.
It was two days in London that turned out to be something I needed to help my healing.
It was a knee jerk, used with the *** I would have had to put in for the filming had it gone ahead.
I'd had to come down the night before the event I wanted to go to. I'd been in the pub for a bit of a social, where I'd clung to a few folk I already knew until they left.  Not wanting to go back to the awful airbnb I made a decision to go to a nearby club - knowing a friend of mine ran it.

Part of this seemed a terrible idea, the only person I knew there would be working. But, actually, people watching did me good.
I liked nobody knowing who I was.
There was a really elegant lady had her sub on a leash, and a sign saying he was offering free blow jobs.
She seemed to ask every guy in the club if they wanted one *except* me.
I'm not sure if I'm glad about that or not. I was curious about accepting, but this was neither the time nor the place.
Besides. I was drunk.

But, the real story comes the next day.
Walking up the steps into a cinema in a railway arch.

I hear a familar voice, "Is your lovely wife not with you?"
"No, Splosh totally isn't her thing," I reply.

This was a Splosh film festival and awards event.
I had to smile that the first thing anyone said to me was "where is your wife?" - they're someone else who had to deal with a lot of my tears and moods, I can't fault their support in the breakup with my Mistress, this was something also upset me in the sense of how much it took them for granted.

There were a few people I spoke to that day. Quite a few. I mean the day ends with me staggering out of a pub clutching the business card of a fairly famous porn star who my interaction with was basically, "Hello, I'm really sorry, I'm drunk" - and I retweet loads of her stuff "because she was nice to me when I was drunk" but the journey also cuts through a few other key interactions.

Be it, the lady who we have an almost running joke of "we should film sometime" and one day we will again, but something throwaway that she said was quite important, "I wanted to get in touch with you about filming, but didn't feel I could when you were with your Mistress"
That kinda taught me a bit that there were others hypothetically interested even if sorting stuff out wasn't black and white.
I met someone else who I'd met at a previous awards event. We said hello and I knew she was moving "near here" so I said, kinda throwaway, "If you need owt"
She whispered in my ear, "What I really need is £2m in my bank account" I joked I couldn't quite do that... but... towards the end of last year we did do a couple of filming days and she's organised her own little mini events I've been invited to - which was nice.  I spent last Christmas drinking Porn Star Martini's with an actual Porn Star, what an end to the year.
But, there was also another lady who I'd chatted to a bit on social media and asked if it was cool to introduce myself, she said she'd like that very much.  Upon seeing me she dragged me into the corridor so we could have a little chat and a photo.  This meant a lot.
She teased me with her feet and said she'd let me worship them later.  I tried not to get my hopes up too much, buuuut... yeah, in the after party under the table in the pub.
Mind, she hadn't warned her husband who got a shock when he came back from the bar.

And. The day was kinda bittersweet. I couldn't enjoy it properly because of my overhanging sadness, but there was a lot I got out of it - in the sense of a feeling things could resume.

One thing I've learned to value is friends and folk who like me - and that, well, anything can seemingly happen from anywhere.

My relationship with my Mistress wasn't one I sought. It just kinda happened when i wasn't expecting it.
I feel that's almost the best way to make some things happen.

[je****]

Damn right....next to impossible if you're lonely, or in need....people (women, in our case) just seem to sense it about you! I get more come ons when I've been in a happy, secure relationship, than ANY time when I've been 'on the pull' ! Thanks for sharing that by the way....I've seen some of your posts before.
Always a lot of sense spoken.... :)

[ey****]

It's quite difficult to write in the sense that there is a lot of back story and sub plots - and - well, this was a long enough post as it was

Whilst possible for a spin off.

It's always important to distinguish 'needs' from 'wants' - and of course a difference between "having needs/wants" and "being needy" - being seen as needy, desperate etc. can very much be a turn off because it comes with emotional labour.

There were points I was probably coming over needy.  (But then, by counterargument, points where I couldn't understand why things weren't routine. That I was a chore, but shouldn't have been) 

[Deleted Member]

I got a real sense of the complexity of a D/s breakup from this, eyem. There's something very moving about a man being willing to say he spent 3 days crying.
What I got from it is that as a Mistress or a Dom it can be easy to dismiss a sub, or it can seem easy. I'm sure it wasnt easy for her but your suffering seems far greater.
I can relate to having had similar feelings when a dynamic ends. And feeling confused about what you're supposed or allowed to feel.
Thank you for sharing xx

[ey****]

I'm sure, actually, that it wasn't easy.  

There are a few things that could have gone into the above that also added to the complexity of things.

I don't think she wanted to let me go either.  I don't want to pretend it was easy for her - but kinda she was surrounded by her own subs, including of course replacing me on the day (which, honestly, I don't think was as cold as it seemed. Just an unfortunate coincidence) while I'm sitting wondering if anyone would want me as their sub again.

It felt like everything had stopped for me; but continued for her.   And, when I *did* start filming again with others, I felt immensely guilty each time.  

It kinda also scared me a lot that; I didn't quite want to be hurt like that again.

But, I dunno.  Time is a healer.