Does friends with benefits work in S/M?

[re****]

Complex topic. Are there emotions involved where the person who care less about the relationship is the one in control? High potential for one or the other to get emotionally hurt? How much or how little are these factors involved? I know that each couple’s situation may be different, but what if it’s from a more disciplinary perspective? Can anyone share their thoughts on this unique situation?

[Ch****]

Friends being the word, I'm friends with people I play with, we might not be committed to each other, but I always have an underlying respect for them, even if we aren't currently meeting.
When we do meet there is always care and respect for each other, even when those in control are doing lots of 'horrible' things to me.
Some people might want complete coldness, just meet, do their thing and leave, but both parties need to be agreeable to this.

[No****]

From my experience, it does. But the friends part has to be strong. I have had multiple subs who I was very close with and then the BDSM part worked. When it was purely sexual, it usually fell apart because the friends part was just not enough to keep the D/s bond. If you cannot hang out with your "partner" outside of the bond and have fun the way you have fun (be it binge watch a series, do a hike m, visit a museum or game all weekend) you are gonna have a difficult no matter what the bond is. You have to be on the same kind of level and interest in my opinion

[Ha****]

Friends with benefits can work in S/M if both people are honest about the dynamic. It’s not about who cares less. In my relationship, my Dominant isn’t romantic but cares deeply. The power comes from our clear structure, not emotional distance. I’ve had to unpack confusing chemistry for love, and he holds me accountable to stay present in what we’ve actually built. It works because we’re clear and we keep checking in.

[ra****]

Probably depends on the individuals involved and how well they are able to be honest with themselves about their emotions regarding the situation as well as how well they are able to compartmentalize.

I am not a fan of labels of any kind, but FWB and situationship are probably my least favorite because they tend to come with unspoken expectations that leaves way too much room to make assumptions.

I feel like regardless of the type of dynamic, the best ones work when there are two people who are willing to communicate openly and honestly about the expectations, especially as the situation evolves or progresses over time.

Maybe the same is true for men, but I think a lot of women would prefer to have one consistent partner because it takes time to develop a foundation of mutual trust and respect, but I think in a lot of ways that sometimes feels like a relationship with the potential to become something significant and I feel like that may be the reason why so many people hesitate to talk about certain things.

But I’m not exactly good about catching feelings these days, so I may not have the best advice here 😂

[ta****]

I think friends with benefits is just friends with benefits and if you do get emotion then talk about it later

[gi****]

I have zero emotions involved. The women I spank do not seem attached wither.

[sa****]

The one who care less is more in control is not wrong, but this control is not not same as S/M. Not sure other dom, but I only want to control who I find attractive, which involves care

[Ro****]

Good luck finding someone that will continue this for long without attachment. I've had zero luck. They all eventually want more even if purely FWB was their idea

[MF****]

When you say disciplinary, what do you mean? There is a big difference between impact play vs impact punishment. I would let a FWB control me during sex and give me the spanking of my life, but no way in hell are they punishing me-that type of control only goes to someone emotionally invested in me.

[Qu****]

The lines can blur some when you add in kink, but that's why communication is key when you deal with these relationships. For instance I have a few completely platonic play partners, we enjoy play, we cuddle for aftercare, & in a few ways I will overstep what most would consider platonic in comparison with a vanilla friendship. I will also take extra time for new play partners to ensure that they know if they are having issues after play they can reach out, this may seem like more than what a typical fwb would do, but for me it's the bare minimum especially since I primarily do edge play.

[ey****]

In kink, friends with benefits might be what's known as "Play Partners" 

[va****]

It depends on each individual. Some people can do kink without emotional attachment and some cannot. There is no wrong or right way as long as everything is clearly communicated before hand.

[Ro****]

I have friends with benefits who also play a dom role. We do care about each other, mentally and physically, throughout the scenes. Key is communication, a willingness to discuss needs and desires. My boundary is respect to my autonomy outside the bedroom and to other poly connections.

[Cu****]

It depends. The parameters need to be discussed before anything else. But if we're dating and she's a Domme - that's a different story. We'd need to see where the relationship part is going before we add that element because I'll certainly give more of myself to a partner than a FWB.

[li****]

Imbalanced feelings for each other can happen in any dynamic and does foster an inherent power imbalance. This is why its important to prioritize communication and boundaries.
My preferred kink relationship is with long-term fwb - long enough to really understand our bodies and dynamic, but casual enough to not be distraught if the dynamic changes. While a committed relationship with s/m elements is very attractive, its too easy to lose myself in the role and I dont want to forget all the other facets of myself or my partner.

[re****]

Thank you for your responses. It seems that from the perspective of a successful D/s relationship, there does need to a high level of communication, but for that to really occur there needs to some level trust and respect. All of this aligns with people that are perceptive and a high level of insight into their own emotions. Not everyone has that.

[sh****]

Yep

[GreyHogandBrat]

On 7/4/2025 at 11:44 AM, HappyFatLady said:

Friends with benefits can work in S/M if both people are honest about the dynamic. It’s not about who cares less. In my relationship, my Dominant isn’t romantic but cares deeply. The power comes from our clear structure, not emotional distance. I’ve had to unpack confusing chemistry for love, and he holds me accountable to stay present in what we’ve actually built. It works because we’re clear and we keep checking in.

Communication, honest communication, is the key, baby girl...

[Di****]

2 of my 3 previous subs were fwb. It isn't uncommon for me. As long as open honest communication is there

[ea****]

Never meet up with out the person that started it

[Mr****]

Does friends with benefits work in S/M? Probably as successfully as a vanilla relationship. Typically both are having fun with each other until someone better comes along.

[Deleted Member]

Yes, but we tend to call them play partners. I have several play partners who I do things with (impact, rope, etc) with whom I’m not in a romantic relationship. I’m still friends with them and do friend things so it’s very much like a FWB.