The Emotions without a Voice

[Deleted Member]

If only I could let it spill.

If only the gag could be lifted and I could finally speak instead of holding everything inside my mouth, my chest, my body, where it presses and aches and waits.
Because you live there.

In the quiet.
In the stillness where I stop myself again and again.
In the moments where I almost say something and then swallow it back down, afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.
I carry you everywhere.

In the way my breath catches when I think of you.
In the way my body responds before my thoughts can intervene.
In the way my mind circles you endlessly, looping and tightening, pulled toward you even when I try to pull away.

Your name appears and my pulse stutters.
My shoulders soften.
My awareness narrows until there is nothing but you and the way my body remembers you.
Your voice low and steady settles into me like an anchor.
Like a command I do not resist.
Like something that quiets me without ever needing to ask.
And that scares me.

Because this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
Because this is not what we agreed upon.
Because I was supposed to stay contained.
Because I was supposed to know my place and keep my feelings inside it.

But they keep growing.
Quietly.
Relentlessly.

I ache to kneel in the truth of it.
To tell you how deeply I soften in your presence.
How my strength drains away when you focus on me.
How your touch is not just sensation but direction.
How it steadies me and unravels me at the same time.

Your kiss lives in my memory longer than it should.
Sweet and sharp and lingering.
Like a promise I never asked for but can’t stop reaching toward
.
And then there is the silence.
The space you leave unanswered.
The pauses that stretch and stretch until my chest tightens with meaning I never wanted to assign.
I read too much into it and then tell myself not to.
I tell myself it means nothing.
I tell myself it means everything.
I am afraid that your quiet is telling me something I am not meant to hear.
Afraid that I feel this alone.
Afraid that if I speak it out loud, I will confirm what I already ***.
So I stay still.
Because staying silent feels like obedience.
Because silence feels like safety.
Because not speaking is the only way I know how to protect what we have without asking for more than was ever promised.

Your scent stays with me long after you are gone.
Like rain soaked earth.
Like something alive and waiting.
Like something I want to sink into and disappear beneath.
I hold myself back constantly.

Biting down on words.
Reining in thoughts.
Reminding myself of boundaries even as my body leans toward you without permission.

If I could speak freely, I would tell you how heavy this feels.
How the wanting tightens instead of loosening.
How discipline and desire blur until I cannot tell where one ends and the other begins.
How I live in the ***ful awareness that my feelings are stronger than what we agreed upon.

If the gag were lifted even for a breath, I would tell you you are the gravity that keeps pulling me inward.

The fire I orbit without meaning to.
The quiet authority written into my pulse that I follow without question.
But I do not speak.
Because silence is part of my submission.
Because restraint is how I stay in control while losing it at the same time.
Because longing held inside hurts less than risking everything by letting it escape.

So I stay here.
Quiet.
Trembling.
Contained by choice.

And maybe you feel it anyway.
The pull.
The surrender.
The emotions without a voice

[Deleted Member]

Not bad. I read the whole thing

[Ja****]

That's deep you should tell'em tho

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, Jayninja503 said:

That's deep you should tell'em tho

@janinja503 And possibly lose the person?
I think I would rather feel and enjoy their presence while it lasts than lose them prematurely

[Sa****]

I don't really get what exactly it's talking bout 🤷

[Boojlr]

Its like you read my mind .

[Do****]

This is so achingly beautiful. Suffering in silence is sometimes the masochist in us.

[Deano78]

3 hours ago, Boojlr said:

Its like you read my mind .

I can't help feeling that I would just love to know more about you. Anyone that responds like that has my attention. Unfortunately, so far, from my point of view at least, i don't have yours. And apparently the system will only let me try so many times without a response...