Dom/mes and Emotions

[Jinxy]

So I finally decided to get around to making a post about this topic! I’d love to hear what other people think and get a discussion going on. 

 

I have seen and heard many comments while in the BDSM community about how a Dominant expressing their emotions weakens their place of authority, particularly *** ones such as sadness and uncertainty. Surprisingly, this viewpoint has come from many different roles as I’ve heard it from subs and Dom/mes alike. 

 

I think the struggle comes with the emphasis on confidence. From what I’ve seen, one of the number one things people tell others, especially newbies, about Dom/mes, is that they need to have confidence in order to be a good Dominant. Your sub needs to have confidence in you and you need to project confidence to your sub to reassure them. People see this message and it becomes unclear how they are supposed to express emotions while also always maintaining confidence so their sub doesn’t start to have a lack of faith in them. To be clear, this message typically doesn’t specify confidence in play and competency, as that is a whole different ball of wax. It instead sends out the blanket message that Dom/mes can’t be ***, can’t have emotions, can’t have doubts without undermining how their sub, and even their fellow Dom/mes, sees them. 

 

I, myself, have struggled with this at some points, particularly in newer relationships. The struggle to want to have honesty about your emotions but not be too honest. This can lead down a slippery path where the dynamic becomes uneven in meeting emotional needs of both partners. Or in the case of fellow Dom/mes, not wanting to appear like you have no idea what you’re doing. That *** emotions will cost you the respect of your peers. 

 

In the end, it comes down to this, I think... Dom/mes are people, not machines. They experience all the emotions, doubts, and insecurities that other people can have. Talking about them is NOT a failing. Asking for help is NOT a weakness. You deserve to be able to express how things are making you feel. You are valid for doing so. It doesn’t make you less. To know yourself enough to share a piece of it with others, that’s powerful! Embrace the beauty of connecting with another human being through sharing how you feel and know you’re all the stronger for it. 

[Re****]

From a sub point of view- I actually prefer my Dom to show their emotions and vulnerabilities. It helps me connect with them.

[Wo****]

From a submissives (and a womans) point of view, if I may...

When anyone, particularly men, (and I know this is playing on stereotypes) show vulnerability by expressing and showing their emotions, it just gets me somewhere deep down in my soul.

We are emotional creatures. Express it!

[Pl****]

I can't speak for everyone, but I tend to take this anti-weakness sentiment as a red flag, personally. I understand some people like a certain roleplay, and maybe some emotions are a turnoff, and that's fine, but I think dominance that relies on a facade is actually more ***. In my experience, having the strength and honesty to show these emotions, as well as how you deal with them, can inspire far more respect than a robodom ever could. 

I see guys all the time in the business world that try not to show any indecision or weakness, but it's ridiculous. They *should* have uncertainty, and if they don't, it's either a lie or they aren't very good at their jobs. They do okay for a while, but when a conflict arises, people are less likely to back them than someone they've seen show indecision and work through it. Most people have more confidence that those other people have done the work, considered all variables, that their thought processes are sound. The trust is the payoff, and the facade just looks like weakness now. 

Not everybody is into that though, and that's okay. The real tragedy is that people are making prescriptions for others. It's clear some people prefer being dominants that show no weakness, and some subs prefer that. And other don't. As long as everyone involved is on the same page, what's the problem? 

[ol****]

I'll say two things.
First you really need to know yourself. That means you need to know the you that other people see. Trust me that's often not the person you think you are.
Secondly. Suppressing your emotions is a weakness in itself. The trick is not to let your emotions overwhelm you.
Talking about how you feel is both strong and mature.

[De****]

Confidence is one thing, pretending not to *have* emotions is something else entirely. If you’re not choosing how to express them, then you’re not really in control of yourself. I’m still uncertain where I am, but I would be *extremely* hesitant to sub for someone who didn’t take ownership of their emotions.

[Jinxy]

Thank you @Ginger_M and @LazyPiratesBounty for giving the sub perspective! I think it’s helpful to hear from the other side how it’s viewed and maybe reassure those that struggle with this that it’s okay to talk about it!

[Jinxy]

3 hours ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

Most people have more confidence that those other people have done the work, considered all variables, that their thought processes are sound. The trust is the payoff, and the facade just looks like weakness now. 

This is well said! Thank you for these wonderful insights. 

[ja****]

I’m in total agreement with the position that vulnerability is a sign of strength. Those who have to pretend to have no emotions are the weakest of personalities and are very ill suited to a form of play that is really all about trust and vulnerability.

[Drewxs]

For me Domination is a state of mind not a prescribed set of do's and don'ts although it tends to cover the same actions. I can be stern and authoritarian with a sub one day during service then have a laugh and joke while beating the crap out of her inner maso with a crop the next day, then kind and tender giving her aftercare the trick is to be yourself and open to learning new things all the time.

[Th****]

Great post Jinxy,

This may depend on the style of the relationship as well. As we know BDSM relationships come in all shapes and sizes. It may well be that one style does not fit all. 

I can see if you meet up for a play session occasionally a Dominant may feel it is a part of his responsibility to keep his personal life from intruding on the scene. 

The same could be said for infrequent voice contact, or when you are at a point in the relationship when you are not  fully sharing details.

Now I have played devils advocate with myself this is not my style.

I will share my emotions to an extent. I say that because if you are my submissive you will not actually see me angry ever.  You will see me pretending to be angry way before I get to that point.

Any other emotion I am perfectly comfortable sharing, if it is my *** I am happy to share as I believe it allows for a deeper understanding of one another.

Saying this, in play I will not share emotions. My primary concern is for my submissive at that point and it is their emotions and reactions that are of importance.

Ultimately I think you see a totally different Dominant if you live with them as you see them in good times and bad. When time is limited anyone can put on a good face but over 10 years you are going to see who they really are. So I always think you should let them see it early.

[JW****]

Takes a lot more courage to be *** than otherwise...

[Jinxy]

1 hour ago, Thebian said:

Great post Jinxy,

This may depend on the style of the relationship as well. As we know BDSM relationships come in all shapes and sizes. It may well be that one style does not fit all. 

I can see if you meet up for a play session occasionally a Dominant may feel it is a part of his responsibility to keep his personal life from intruding on the scene. 

The same could be said for infrequent voice contact, or when you are at a point in the relationship when you are not  fully sharing details.

Now I have played devils advocate with myself this is not my style.

I will share my emotions to an extent. I say that because if you are my submissive you will not actually see me angry ever.  You will see me pretending to be angry way before I get to that point.

Any other emotion I am perfectly comfortable sharing, if it is my *** I am happy to share as I believe it allows for a deeper understanding of one another.

Saying this, in play I will not share emotions. My primary concern is for my submissive at that point and it is their emotions and reactions that are of importance.

Ultimately I think you see a totally different Dominant if you live with them as you see them in good times and bad. When time is limited anyone can put on a good face but over 10 years you are going to see who they really are. So I always think you should let them see it early.

I agree. I guess I came at it from the standpoint of the relationship aspect where it would be appropriate and encouraged to discuss how things are going for you but hesitating. Thank you for pointing out there are variety of reasons someone may or may not disclose emotion depending on the situation. That’s important to note as well! 
 

You also bring up another great point. Finding the appropriate time for this type of discussion, if you choose to have it. Anyone else have other thoughts on whether there’s an appropriate time or not?

[TemptressM]

I think a lot depends on the dynamics and the relationship you have with your sub.  If it is only a play session I tend to keep my emotions to myself,  However we text and chat on the phone and I will share if I am having a bad day. 

Yet my two online pets,  I talk to everyday on the phone (it's the two that I will be meeting when I go back to UK) they have heard my cry an supported me and admitted it made me more human and made them love me more.   

Confidence does not mean emotionless and I believe that all Dominants should show that side of them because after all we are all human.

There is a time and place for it of course and I think taking time away from the D/s to actually talk to your sub about anything and everything only cements the relationship more. 

[Deleted Member]

A wonderful post Jinxy and one you know I have an interest in. Before I give opinion on Kink and emotion I think we must take a step back and discuss vanilla society and emotion. Also I will say this ONLY from a male point of view as that's the perspective I see it from.

 

From a young age society tries to teach us there are certain ways we much behave, certain things that are acceptable and certain things that are not. An example would be society tells me I must pay when I go shopping, not steal, a rule society sets that I agree with. However society also tries to teach me from that young age that as a man not only must I observe certain rules I must behave a certain way. One of those being I must NOT show emotion, I must NOT feel sad, I must "man up" when feeling blue, I must NOT mention it or talk about it. Sadly these rules often lead us as men down a dark path, a lonely path where isolation becomes our way, alone, carrying poison that over time infects all we are. As society conditions us to be this way the consequences of this conditioning can be devastating and to prove that point I feel all I have to do is say two names, Chester Bennington and Robin Williams. Two men who had the world at their feet or so it seemed, two men who brought countless joy to others yet two men who felt nothing but a deep sense of sadness. It was no ones fault these guys felt they had no recourse but to do what they did, there is no one to blame, apart from society that is. Society in general along with parents and friends shape the people we are and the people we are to become, some rules make perfect sense, some do not. Society is whom I blame when I was fretting a little a couple of days ago about whether I could reveal I was having a rough day, yet upon revelation of that sadness yet again I saw society is wrong from the kind words i received.The problem is as society told Chester and Robin they MUST behave a certain way, that sadness they both felt, that poison over time infects everything until these poor souls only saw eternal darkness as a release, yes society has much to answer for and I have zero doubt it was society that caused them both to kill themselves not the actual depression itself. So what we are in vanilla shapes what we are in kink.

 

The first step to avoid this is an acceptance of self and with that self an acceptance of emotion. Something that is easy to say but for some a difficult bridge to cross especially when young as for me age and maturity play a huge part in acceptance of self. I find it much much easier to discuss these issues as a 51 year old man than I did when I was 25. As we age we do find it easier to accept the truth of self no matter how uncomfortable that truth makes us. I can talk openly with you my peers and with my friends in vanilla with less *** of judgment now that I could 25 years ago, basically once you accept the truth of self then that truth become easier to process but it can and does for many take some time to accept. Once that hurdle is crossed, once we accept we are what we are the next step is to decide whether we continue hiding the truth or open up and show the world. For me I choose to show myself warts and all be that on here or in my local club having a pint with my pals, I choose to be honest about how I feel and for one reason only. To release the poison, to avoid walking the same path as Chester and Robin, to seek from those whose opinions matter acceptance that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to talk about it. It's ok to say to society "fuck you" this is my life and I will live it my way.

 

Foe me the way I live my life and the way I express myself and emotion should not change in kink but as others have already said kink DOES sadly for some cause this to happen. To hide the truth of self, to be something other than what we really are and for me that is nothing more than a lie and in kink a potentially dangerous one. How are we to understand others and what they are unless we first have a true understanding of self? Yet as important as that understanding is are we willing to show that self to others and here is the problem. Many are not and it's pretty much for exactly the same reasons as in vanilla, there is no difference, it's the same. A *** of rejection from our peers, judgment as we are as Doms supposed to fit within a framework set not by our peers but by society. We must be manly, we must not show emotion, a Dom with emotion surely is weak yet I reject that completely. A dom with emotion has reached a place where he accepts self and what he is, a Dom who is willing to show the truth of the man he is is honest, open and in the grand scheme of things an honest player and for me that honesty makes for a safer player. Honesty and openness, the truth of what we ate we must first accept ourselves and if in time others reject us because of that honesty then for me you have dodged a bullet, would you want someone in your life who seeks a preconceived model of what they think they want or would you want a human being who is honest and open about the person they are? For me it's a no brainer.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, oldfellow said:

. The trick is not to let your emotions overwhelm you.

And that is the key

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, JWoodland1238 said:

Takes a lot more courage to be *** than otherwise...

With respect *** for me is not the right word, honest I feel is more apt. I'm honest but don't feel *** in anyway. The only *** I have from that honesty is judgment especially from those who don't know me.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Jinxy said:

 Anyone else have other thoughts on whether there’s an appropriate time or not?

At the beggining, why hide the truth of what you are?  If anything I think it's easier to be honest in this world than it is in vanilla. There is much less judgment and the expectations are so completely different. To understand the truth of what others are and seek it's vital we accept the truth of ourselves first.

[Drewxs]

2 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

With respect *** for me is not the right word, honest I feel is more apt. I'm honest but don't feel *** in anyway. The only *** I have from that honesty is judgment especially from those who don't know me.

that’s where judgment comes in

[Deleted Member]

29 minutes ago, Drewxs said:

that’s where judgment comes in

Yes I know, that's why I just said that.

[mu****]

I think more than being told to be confident, people looking to be Dom/mes should be told to well-educated in the subject, do a lot of research, talk to other subs and doms, etc. they literally hold a persons life in their hand depending on what their practice. This also comes from suck a men should behave like this and that.
I feel there are subs as well who think they have to act like *** kittens to be a sub and cannot be strong minded and have their opinions and stick with them if a Dom does not think so.

[Leisa]

Every dynamic is different and each person in the relationship has the responsibility to check in on the other. In our dynamic Admiral shows no emotion about how he’s feeling during a play session and I’m good with that. He’s in his Dom headspace and to show emotions during this time could have a dangerous affect not only on the submissive but the Dom also. This is his or her time to be 100% in control of the scene of play and be free to direct the scene so it is safe for all involved. I love how strong and confident he is during our sessions, careful to ensure I don’t drop so far into subspace to be unable to articulate how and to what depth my subspace is affecting me. If he feels it is unsafe or I’m too far into my headspace to respond he will call the session over. It is only with this lack of emotion that he is able to control not just my safety but his own. I don’t think emotion before of after a scene is the Dom’s responsibility alone. We always check in with each other after play as I’m aware that he’s also in a different headspace and it’s just as important to ensure that he has the comfort and opportunity to express how a scene has affected him. To me this is him showing emotions that he needs to show and convey. It does not make him any less my Dom but instead makes him human.
Before being my Dom I have to remember that he’s just as human as I am and it’s perfectly acceptable to show that he is a man and human just as much as I am. While he has different emotions his emotions and pitfalls are just as valid as the sub he is with. We talk about everything that affects both of us as without communication he may feel the need to be robodom and I don’t need nor want that. I want him to feel free to have whatever emotions he is feeling without the concern that I may be supportive or not during non play times. As I said he’s a man first and foremost before he is my Dom. For me I find it gives him added strength to trust me enough to know that I find him incredibly strong both physically and mentally with his emotions. The ability to feel and show emotions are key to any relationship. I need to know that he too bleeds red just like I do. To not do so is an insult to both of us and shows a lack of trust on the others part. Communication is the key to any good relationship be it D/s or vanilla. Without the ability to have honest communication devoid of emotions dooms the relationship to failure. I don’t find Admiral’s emotional responses in a given situation to be a fault but rather a strength. I love knowing what’s going on in his head because without expression of emotions how can we have a loving, honest relationship? I need to know when I’m pushing to far so I can back off before his emotions are ones of hurt and anger rather than love and trust. I’m very fortunate in that my relationship is based on that love and the support of the other.

[Leisa]

11 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

A wonderful post Jinxy and one you know I have an interest in. Before I give opinion on Kink and emotion I think we must take a step back and discuss vanilla society and emotion. Also I will say this ONLY from a male point of view as that's the perspective I see it from.

From a young age society tries to teach us there are certain ways we much behave, certain things that are acceptable and certain things that are not. An example would be society tells me I must pay when I go shopping, not steal, a rule society sets that I agree with. However society also tries to teach me from that young age that as a man not only must I observe certain rules I must behave a certain way. One of those being I must NOT show emotion, I must NOT feel sad, I must "man up" when feeling blue, I must NOT mention it or talk about it. Sadly these rules often lead us as men down a dark path, a lonely path where isolation becomes our way, alone, carrying poison that over time infects all we are. As society conditions us to be this way the consequences of this conditioning can be devastating and to prove that point I feel all I have to do is say two names, Chester Bennington and Robin Williams. Two men who had the world at their feet or so it seemed, two men who brought countless joy to others yet two men who felt nothing but a deep sense of sadness. It was no ones fault these guys felt they had no recourse but to do what they did, there is no one to blame, apart from society that is. Society in general along with parents and friends shape the people we are and the people we are to become, some rules make perfect sense, some do not. Society is whom I blame when I was fretting a little a couple of days ago about whether I could reveal I was having a rough day, yet upon revelation of that sadness yet again I saw society is wrong from the kind words i received.The problem is as society told Chester and Robin they MUST behave a certain way, that sadness they both felt, that poison over time infects everything until these poor souls only saw eternal darkness as a release, yes society has much to answer for and I have zero doubt it was society that caused them both to kill themselves not the actual depression itself. So what we are in vanilla shapes what we are in kink.

The first step to avoid this is an acceptance of self and with that self an acceptance of emotion. Something that is easy to say but for some a difficult bridge to cross especially when young as for me age and maturity play a huge part in acceptance of self. I find it much much easier to discuss these issues as a 51 year old man than I did when I was 25. As we age we do find it easier to accept the truth of self no matter how uncomfortable that truth makes us. I can talk openly with you my peers and with my friends in vanilla with less *** of judgment now that I could 25 years ago, basically once you accept the truth of self then that truth become easier to process but it can and does for many take some time to accept. Once that hurdle is crossed, once we accept we are what we are the next step is to decide whether we continue hiding the truth or open up and show the world. For me I choose to show myself warts and all be that on here or in my local club having a pint with my pals, I choose to be honest about how I feel and for one reason only. To release the poison, to avoid walking the same path as Chester and Robin, to seek from those whose opinions matter acceptance that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to talk about it. It's ok to say to society "fuck you" this is my life and I will live it my way.

Foe me the way I live my life and the way I express myself and emotion should not change in kink but as others have already said kink DOES sadly for some cause this to happen. To hide the truth of self, to be something other than what we really are and for me that is nothing more than a lie and in kink a potentially dangerous one. How are we to understand others and what they are unless we first have a true understanding of self? Yet as important as that understanding is are we willing to show that self to others and here is the problem. Many are not and it's pretty much for exactly the same reasons as in vanilla, there is no difference, it's the same. A *** of rejection from our peers, judgment as we are as Doms supposed to fit within a framework set not by our peers but by society. We must be manly, we must not show emotion, a Dom with emotion surely is weak yet I reject that completely. A dom with emotion has reached a place where he accepts self and what he is, a Dom who is willing to show the truth of the man he is is honest, open and in the grand scheme of things an honest player and for me that honesty makes for a safer player. Honesty and openness, the truth of what we ate we must first accept ourselves and if in time others reject us because of that honesty then for me you have dodged a bullet, would you want someone in your life who seeks a preconceived model of what they think they want or would you want a human being who is honest and open about the person they are? For me it's a no brainer.

I love how you put things. You are after all human and hiding that makes you less than rather then more of a man. You my friend show your emotions more openly and honestly than most of us and I find that one of your strengths rather than a weakness. It shows a confidence of self and that is what will attract the perfect submissive for you. Your submissive may not be perfect to another Dom who expects that emotions are not key to a good dynamic but they will be perfect for you. I look forward to see which direction you go as you are so authentic and caring outside a dynamic. I can only hope she is worthy of the man you are and not have expectations of the man she feels you should be. I do not doubt for one second that your submissive is out there and they will be very lucky to have such a wonderful, caring Dominant.

[Deleted Member]

Wow thank you so much 😊

[Jinxy]

12 hours ago, Leisa said:

Every dynamic is different and each person in the relationship has the responsibility to check in on the other. In our dynamic Admiral shows no emotion about how he’s feeling during a play session and I’m good with that. He’s in his Dom headspace and to show emotions during this time could have a dangerous affect not only on the submissive but the Dom also. This is his or her time to be 100% in control of the scene of play and be free to direct the scene so it is safe for all involved. I love how strong and confident he is during our sessions, careful to ensure I don’t drop so far into subspace to be unable to articulate how and to what depth my subspace is affecting me. If he feels it is unsafe or I’m too far into my headspace to respond he will call the session over. It is only with this lack of emotion that he is able to control not just my safety but his own. I don’t think emotion before of after a scene is the Dom’s responsibility alone. We always check in with each other after play as I’m aware that he’s also in a different headspace and it’s just as important to ensure that he has the comfort and opportunity to express how a scene has affected him. To me this is him showing emotions that he needs to show and convey. It does not make him any less my Dom but instead makes him human.
Before being my Dom I have to remember that he’s just as human as I am and it’s perfectly acceptable to show that he is a man and human just as much as I am. While he has different emotions his emotions and pitfalls are just as valid as the sub he is with. We talk about everything that affects both of us as without communication he may feel the need to be robodom and I don’t need nor want that. I want him to feel free to have whatever emotions he is feeling without the concern that I may be supportive or not during non play times. As I said he’s a man first and foremost before he is my Dom. For me I find it gives him added strength to trust me enough to know that I find him incredibly strong both physically and mentally with his emotions. The ability to feel and show emotions are key to any relationship. I need to know that he too bleeds red just like I do. To not do so is an insult to both of us and shows a lack of trust on the others part. Communication is the key to any good relationship be it D/s or vanilla. Without the ability to have honest communication devoid of emotions dooms the relationship to failure. I don’t find Admiral’s emotional responses in a given situation to be a fault but rather a strength. I love knowing what’s going on in his head because without expression of emotions how can we have a loving, honest relationship? I need to know when I’m pushing to far so I can back off before his emotions are ones of hurt and anger rather than love and trust. I’m very fortunate in that my relationship is based on that love and the support of the other.

Beautifully said. I think you hit everything right on the head.