The elephant in the room.

[Deleted Member]

Cheating with a clear mind.

 

I once was married, to a wonderful lass whom I'm fortunate enough to still be friends with even though she is now remarried, to a smashing fella I might add. Anyway, 15 years ago I cheated on her, with one of her best friends. Am I a cunt? Without a doubt. Even now 15 years down the line when I think of the consequences, how she collapsed onto the floor sobbing uncontrollably the shame floods me, my stomach in knots, deep regret. She didn't deserve that just because I was sexually isolated and confused, she didn't deserve that level of rejection and *** just because I wasn't man enough to open up and tell her the truth about these crazy sexual urges i was having. The moment I told her about my cheating Is scarred into my brain and heart, a moment I will never forget. 

 

I made the decision to cheat, I could blather on about this reason and that, try to justify my actions, whine about how miserable I was but I won't. I own that shit and whatever the reason that fine lady DID NOT deserve that. Some can recover quite easily from that type of *** and some cannot, some struggle with it for many years. It can change them fundamentally, cause them to become spiteful and bitter, less trusting of others. The fallout can indeed be huge and sadly something I didn't even care to think about as I was fucking her friend, thinking only of me and what I wanted at that moment in time, the selfish cunt that I was.

 

We were lucky, we had no ***, no shared mortgage or the like. It was easy for me to do the right thing, grow a pair and do what needed to be done. Not easy though is it, to get out? To walk away from the familiarity and security, to start all over again without a pot to *** in. I did though 3 or 4 years later like the fool that I am. We chose to try and save something that we both knew was dead, those years wasted, thrown away, both of us fools. We have discussed it since and both agree it was madness, both knew it was dead but again, security, familiarity, it has a lot to answer for, *** of an unknown future. Eventually we both sort of woke one morning, looked at each other and knew now was the time, 4 Days later i moved into the very same flat I'm sat in right now. I took nothing but my clothes, a small portable tv and one chair. Yes it was grim, yes it took me time to furnish the place and make it my home, but I did. Those first few weeks were tough but almost immidiately I felt a change, a calmness.. Fully accepting that the single life was better than living  a set of rules society in the main expected me to stick to. I knew this was actually the beggining of something else, although at the time i really still didn't get it. For 7 years i remained single and for those 7 years i was happy, content and the fog, the confusion in my mind began to clear. Slowly at first but at added pace as the facts began to present themselves, I began to see hidden doorways and a secretive world. 

 

So why the post?

I see many who struggle on a similar path I have taken, I see many who waste that most precious of commodities, time. When young we don't I think know it's true value but as we age we see how foolish that was. The years do indeed s***d up as you age and regret for wasted time can creep into the mind from time to time. Years wasted on lost causes when it's known, felt by all parties that it is Indeed a lost cause is wasting that most precious of commodities. If you are miserable, if you know it's done then my advice is don't waste any more. *** is coming any way, that's the truth of the matter. Eventually it will end, you already know it so why not face it right now, head on and start to live your life the way you were meant to. A life that will bring peace into your world and make it a damn sight easier to get up in a morning 😊

 

Edited August 21, 2020 by Deleted Member
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[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Anyway, 15 years ago I cheated on her, with one of her best friends. Am I a cunt? Without a doubt. Even now 15 years down the line when I think of the consequences, how she collapsed onto the floor sobbing uncontrollably the shame floods me, my stomach in knots, deep regret. She didn't deserve that just because I was sexually isolated and confused, she didn't deserve that level of rejection and *** just because I wasn't man enough to open up and tell her the truth about these crazy sexual urges i was having. The moment I told her about my cheating Is scarred into my brain and heart, a moment I will never forget. 

I made the decision to cheat, I could blather on about this reason and that, try to justify my actions, whine about how miserable I was but I won't. I own that shit and whatever the reason that fine lady DID NOT deserve that. Some can recover quite easily from that type of *** and some cannot, some struggle with it for many years. It can change them fundamentally, cause them to become spiteful and bitter, less trusting of others. The fallout can indeed be huge and sadly something I didn't even care to think about as I was fucking her friend, thinking only of me and what I wanted at that moment in time, the selfish cunt that I was.

[...]

When young we don't I think know it's true value but as we age we see how foolish that was. The years do indeed s***d up as you age and regret for wasted time can creep into the mind from time to time. Years wasted on lost causes when it's known, felt by all parties that it is Indeed a lost cause is wasting that most precious of commodities. If you are miserable, if you know it's done then my advice is don't waste any more. *** is coming any way, that's the truth of the matter. Eventually it will end, you already know it so why not face it right now, head on and start to live your life the way you were meant to. A life that will bring peace into your world and make it a damn sight easier to get up in a morning 😊

 

I think, living with your regrets is difficult.

[Paddywack-3112]

Thanks for the reality reminder.

I needed the fresh reminder of the *** that might insue.
Thank you for your share.

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, BlushingFlush said:

I think, living with your regrets is difficult.

Yes it can be but those lessons shape the people we are to become. None of us are perfect, we all stumble, but in most situations there are lessons if we wish to think a little. 

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, Paddywack said:

I needed the fresh reminder of the *** that might insue.

If I understand your post correctly I don't think you need a reminder, it's there nagging away already. I think thats the point of the thread. The truth is ugly and a hard thing to swallow at times yet the truth it remains.

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

If I understand your post correctly I don't think you need a reminder, it's there nagging away already. I think thats the point of the thread. The truth is ugly and a hard thing to swallow at times yet the truth it remains.

Right, so when we understand about what it is you've written - the problem is not so much dealing with the future in the sense you are not likely to make the same mistakes again. The problem really, is in dealing with the past.

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, BlushingFlush said:

The problem really, is in dealing with the past.

Not at all, the past shapes who we are IF you take the lesson and It is human to stumble but we have a choice when we do, do we learn or keep falling? If we learn for me then there is positivity to that regret. I hurt a good woman and yes it shames me but I use that to try and be more. For me I believe most regret, life does that but it doesn't have to crush you. If you carry no regret for the bad mistakes you have made then huge red flag, for me anyway. It's ok to feel.for the things we have done wrong.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Not at all, the past shapes who we are IF you take the lesson and It is human to stumble but we have a choice when we do, do we learn or keep falling? If we learn for me then there is positivity to that regret. I hurt a good woman and yes it shames me but I use that to try and be more. For me I believe most regret, life does that but it doesn't have to crush you. If you carry no regret for the bad mistakes you have made then huge red flag, for me anyway. It's ok to feel.for the things we have done wrong.

I think, what I am saying is legitimate regret is much better than no regret at all. But the ultimate power comes when you don't have to regret a thing whatsoever. Those are the people with the most freedom in this world. Here, a quote from Shantaram:

'Let me explain something to you. Look around here. How many people do you count?'

'Well, maybe, sixty, eighty.'

'Eighty people. Greeks, Germans, Italians, French, Americans. Tourists from everywhere. Eating, drinking, talking, laughing. And from Bombay - Indians and Iranians and Afghans and Arabs and Africans. But how many of these people have real power, real destiny, real dynamique for their place, and their time, and the lives of thousands of people? I will tell you - four. Four people in this room with power, and the rest are like the rest of the people everywhere: powerless, sleepers in the dream, anonyme. When Karla comes back, there will be five people in this room with power. That is Karla, the one you call interesting. I see by your expression, my young friend, you do not understand what I am saying. Let me put it this way: Karla is reasonably good at being a friend, but she is stupendously good at being an enemy. When you judge the power that is in a person, you must judge their capacities as both friend and as enemy. And there is no-one in this city that makes a worse or more dangerous enemy than Karla.'

He stared into my eyes, looking for something, moving from one eye to the other and back again.

'You know the kind of power I'm talking about, don't you? Real power. The power to make men shine like the stars, or crush them to dust. The power of secrets. Terrible, terrible secrets. The power to live without remorse or regret. Is there something in your life, Lin, that you regret? Is there anything you have done, that you regret it?'

'Yes, I guess I-'

'Of course you do! And so do I, regret ... things I have done ... and not done. But not Karla. And that is why she is like the others, the few others in this room, who have real power. She has a heart like theirs, and you and I do not. Ah, forgive me, I am almost drunk, and I see that my Italians are leaving. Ajay will not wait for much longer. I must go, now, and collect my little commission, before I can allow myself to be completely drunk.'

 

What you described,

Quote

how she collapsed onto the floor sobbing uncontrollably the shame floods me, my stomach in knots, deep regret. She didn't deserve that just because I was sexually isolated and confused, she didn't deserve that level of rejection and *** just because I wasn't man enough to open up and tell her the truth about these crazy sexual urges i was having. The moment I told her about my cheating Is scarred into my brain and heart, a moment I will never forget. 

... as a scar, it was very adequate. It will in some instances weaken your resolve but I do not mean to be pessimistic. As there is a strength also - a strength in that you will never repeat such a mistake. That you know fucking up in other ways too has consequences you never want to deal with.

Edited August 21, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Dragonreach]

That post reads so true. Stop living a life of lies and conformity that makes us unhappy. Time does sail by quick... We can’t waste time dwelling either... that’s just “MORE” time lost! Reach down into ourselves, be honest with ourselves and start immediately working with what makes ya happy- drive forward with that in mind 😊 Great words to think on (not too long though- get moving 😉)

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for sharing this Donny. This can be a very helpful reminder/ motor/ encouragement for those who have reached the point of no return and need a little nudge to be brave and take that all important and decisive step needed to start anew. I have been in a somewhat similar situation in the past. The time it took from the realisation that things were irreparable to taking a decisive step took a while; however in my view it wasn’t wasted. On the contrary it provided time to challenge, reconfirm reality, accept and eventually move on without regret as I knew I had tried everything and there was only one way to go. The feeling once you have done it is amazing. Yes there’s *** but more so there is freedom...

[Th****]

8 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

I was once was married, to a wonderful lass whom I'm fortunate enough to still be friends with even though she is now remarried, to a smashing fella I might add. Anyway, 15 years ago I cheated on her, with one of her best friends. Am I a cunt? Without a doubt. Even now 15 years down the line when I think of the consequences, how she collapsed onto the floor sobbing uncontrollably the shame floods me, my stomach in knots, deep regret. She didn't deserve that just because I was sexually isolated and confused, she didn't deserve that level of rejection and *** just because I wasn't man enough to open up and tell her the truth about these crazy sexual urges i was having. The moment I told her about my cheating Is scarred into my brain and heart, a moment I will never forget. 

If you would do me the honour Donny I would like to stand up here with you on this my friend. 

I too at 17 had a 6 month long affair with my wife's best friend. She was living with us at the time and I was a total cunt.... No question there.  I was not the man I am now then, hell I was not a man.

Selfish immaturity deeply hurt two people.

It was 100% my fault.

We made it work, but it was difficult and the only way I did it was to tear down all my walls. Stop acting like I was all that and have the balls to wear my heart on my sleeve and allow people to hurt me. 

It was time to put my big boy pants on.

She has passed now, but we ended up separating and following our own lifestyle choices. She explored her bisexuality and discovered that she was happier in a lesbian relationship. It was so great to see her so happy

I pursued the learning and mentoring side of my lifestyle.

Most of all Donny you should not standalone for something we have both done. We stand together, and we stand proud of who we are now, my most excellent friend.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Thebian said:

 

Most of all Donny you should not standalone for something we have both done. We stand together, and we stand proud of who we are now, my most excellent friend.

And there we have one of the things that really impresses me about this community, the blatant in your face honesty. We do stand together @Thebian and that is so so valuable, to know others "get it." Agree totally mate, we do stand proud of who we are but that comes with age and experience 😊

[ba****]

My ex of 4 years whom I proposed to cheated on me for a whole year. He blamed it on a psychological breakdown. When rather it was for about the same reason. He refused to be honest and open up about what he was really feeling and wanting. Which confused me because we were very open about sex talk. As well as other important things. Im a sex worker for fucks sake lol. (Not full service mind you just an online one)
I wish he at least had the balls to be respectful like you. When he left he stole a bunch of my stuff. He tried to r*pe me.. I was freshly pregnant with his kid. He kicked me in the stomach because he was spiteful that I had the right to stay at the apartment. I miscarried.. He continues to go on and make rumors and for now stay with the chick he cheated on me with. Even proposed to her even after admission to not only me but others that he still wants me and also doesn't really know what he wants (clearly). Im a kinky mother fucker and I know im not bad looking. So im still stunned. I know I didn't deserve any of that. Im still stuck with the trauma and unanswered questions.. at least yall tried and for that i applaud as well as for yall not going full panic dickhead mode at each other. I feel for tho. When I found out I dropped to my knees and felt my soul leave my body for an hour.

[Deleted Member]

I couldn't agree more.  I spent far too many years of my life clinging onto relationships due to a *** of the *** of change.  This is a factor regardless of whether infidelity comes into the mix.

 

Often we commit to a relationship based on the initial excitement and mutual interests and rush into the "happily ever after" without putting in the mileage to see if it's worth the long-haul.  But just because someone is Mr/Mrs Right Now instead of Mr/Mrs Right doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.  Every encounter we have shapes us along the way.

 

Rather than holding onto regrets, look for the positives of what you learned along the way and recognise that perhaps these experiences were necessary to facilitate your growth into the person you needed to be.  Oh, I have regrets.  No mistaking.  But I value the life lessons I've had along the way.

 

The most important lesson of all... don't compromise who you are in order to please anyone else.  Always be true to yourself and eventually you'll find something/someone who values you for who you are.

 

It's good that you have been able to maintain a good relationship with the ex.  I always try to do the same.  Bitterness serves no-one and only brings unnecessary *** to the person harbouring that bitterness.  xXx

[IA****]

It takes some huge stones to face your demons like that and look them in the eye. I know the *** and reading your post hits home. Thank you for your boldness and encouragement.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, IAmPoison said:

It takes some huge stones to face your demons like that and look them in the eye. I know the *** and reading your post hits home. Thank you for your boldness and encouragement.

To move forwards we must accept the truth of who we are, with that anything is possible 😊