Where are we going?

[Deleted Member]

I seem to be seeing a trend in people trying to make genuine connections to build a solid dynamic but finding themselves in FWB type situationships. I'm not sure if there is a 'label'/term/category for this so if you know, please do share. I am bringing this up because 1) maybe this potentially does need a term or category and 2) why? Yes, we have the availability to write this in our profiles and what we are looking for. However, I do recognise that this all comes down to the responsibility and transparency of the profile creator and reader. Also, how one persues a potential connection in terms of type of communicating i.e. online/in person, the time to get to know someone regarding compatibility, how/where/what happens on a first meet etc.

I do not mean to cause offence where others are happy with type of arrangement. I am addressing those who are seeking sex first with minimal ties for whatever their reasons. Is this just a case of honesty from both/all parties? Surely, I can not be the only one experiencing this.

I am not a naive person nor a prude and I have made similar mistakes along the way. Does this website/app need to be updated to be inclusive of those who are seeking more than situationship? more than 1 partner but not necessarily poly or in open relationship? or is it down to us to be clear on own intentions and actions, in our interactions with each other? I'm not lost on the glaringly obvious common sense in this post but where does common decency come in to this. Where do we draw the line at 'a bit of harmful heartbreak' attitude I've seen of late and when it can become predatory?

[Ma****]

I prefer to build a genuine connection, it always feels so much better!

[Deleted Member]

Very well said!

[Br****]

There is nothing predatory going on here. You comsented and chose to do these things and know what they are. People like you are the type to falsely accuse somone of r4p3 becuase you recreated aomwthing or didn't like how something went. You need to chill out and take more responsibility for what you want and be clear about that and not blaming the world over it ans acting like it's a threat or a problem when your communication is the issue. Know what you want but handle yourself in the process.

[Ta****]

6 minutes ago, BruceGoose said:

There is nothing predatory going on here. You comsented and chose to do these things and know what they are. People like you are the type to falsely accuse somone of r4p3 becuase you recreated aomwthing or didn't like how something went. You need to chill out and take more responsibility for what you want and be clear about that and not blaming the world over it ans acting like it's a threat or a problem when your communication is the issue. Know what you want but handle yourself in the process.

Mate if you knew her you would not say this she simply asked a question there is no need to be so offensive!

[Ka****]

I come across a number of men saying they want to build something for regular play but wimp out at having to put in any work.

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, BruceGoose said:

There is nothing predatory going on here. You comsented and chose to do these things and know what they are. People like you are the type to falsely accuse somone of r4p3 becuase you recreated aomwthing or didn't like how something went. You need to chill out and take more responsibility for what you want and be clear about that and not blaming the world over it ans acting like it's a threat or a problem when your communication is the issue. Know what you want but handle yourself in the process.

Did you even read her post properly? She talks about providing clarity, honesty and communication. A lot of people don’t read profiles or they do and still are not clear or honest at what they want or their actions don’t match their words. A lot of people don’t even make effort to fill in basic details on their profiles.
I have stated that im an escort and im not here for work, but for building real connection and relationship with someone, but more than half of the messages im getting are people trying to book me or to shag me, without even first meeting just for coffee and without getting to know me. I have provided information about what I want, but reading your comment, I somehow consented to be getting sexual messages and I would be “falsely” accusing guys of treating me like piece of meat? One guy got ***y with me because he asked me out for coffee, I said we could meet half way and he wanted me to go to his because he expected a shag as a way of getting to know each other.
You might have misunderstood what she meant in her message, but there’s no reason to respond to her like this. She has the right to speak up about what’s going on in this website

[da****]

17 minutes ago, Katsuyama said:

I come across a number of men saying they want to build something for regular play but wimp out at having to put in any work.

Same here

[Deleted Member]

I am a profile reader. Usually if their profile has single "undefinable" under relationship status I ask for clarity. There are also other things I look at and then ask questions. I've encountered many that don't even know what their profile has in it so questions are the only way I have found to either get confirmation or correct info.

[Deleted Member]

I am one of the ones that has been heartbroken from this FWB..... Didn't meet her here but that doesn't change the facts. I agree with the opening post on the subject. If I would have been told from the start the girl only wanted sex I may or may not have done it. Instead it wasn't till after I told her that I was starting to have feelings for her, after hours and hours of phone talk about a relationship to find out "sorry all I really wanted was the good sex". I broke it off with her but still was heartbroken as I thought I have found love. I agree completely that we as ADULTS should be crystal clear to each other if that's all the other wants. Unfortunately she wasn't the first to do me that way. It's sad that I now have to flat out ask "hey you looking for love or just sex." I also am one of the ones that reads the profile. Signed Lonely in Sumter, SC......

[Av****]

Honestly, just communicate that youre looking for a long term relationship. I dont consider myself poly, but I was dating 3 people semi casually and I introduced them all to each other. We would go on dates and play with all the different combinations of the 4 people, it was our little kinky cult. But I was super clear on what I wanted, as were they, and there was no pressure to put sex before the individual. But that was the key and probably what will work for you- hold off on physical intimacy for at least a little bit to cultivate trust and depth before getting physical. That will wash out the people looking for kinky short term fuck buddies.

[Deleted Member]

I think if you're coming onto a fetish website for commitment you're playing against very bad odds and need to accept that. Sounds like a recipe for non-kinky ***. Just my opinion.

[Ma****]

The thing that first strikes me is that you have to consider the nature of a niche website and its potential clientele. Websites are an easy way to dip your toe in the water without ever having to really act on anything more than your potential words in posts and messages. This makes it easy for those who have not tested themselves in person to engage with the community or potential partners. As such many people when they finally meet might be hoping the "vibe" will happen on its own not realizing they should probably be a bit more intentional in their words to lead the vibe where you both had expressed hopes for it to go. As someone who hasnt met anyone online in person in one of these sites i would imagine, as a man in todays western society, that it might be tough to be both steadfast, trustworthy, and handsome caring and provide a sense of security whilst also feeling like you have done enough to protect yourself from anyone looking to possibly trap or exploit you. I would also imagine that in that process of getting to know someone the mind tends to develop a certain level of respect and to expose one's most inner and personal fetish centric desires might not even be possible whilst feeling like you aren't addressing everyone in your life that you also respect. I know i have yet to find that deek trust where i can be free about what i find hot and feel comfortable enough to explore it openly without judgement. If other men are like me then i would imagine they test the waters with sex and maybe make it a bit kinkier than what they are used to too see if theres an opening for them to feel like they can be who they are ashamed to be in front of the rest of the world. Sadly men are so beat down these days that to imagine being in charge and to have a womans submission feels like we are taking advantage as it ciuld easily be thrown back at us and with the anti male courts these days its a tough thing to know what it all means. However it is also through experience that you learn that just as you may want to naturally dominate her she also wants to naturally be dominated ( if that's the dynamic ) and that you have to trust them enough to speak for themselves and tk know they can say stop when they need and that it will stop. And ensure that you are clear about limits and aren't manipulating anything to get your way. Personally it's taken a long time for me to let myself look at a woman as a subordinate there to please me as i was raised with male hating feminist values which is probably why i love seeing a woman please me with honest eager attention more than anything else. But i digress.hope that perspective offers something useful to the concersation

[De****]

Wife and I have both communicated that we are looking for a long term and yet are falling short. Somehow keep being rejected we we suggest that. Somehow I think it’s related to people refusing to read a bio prior to messaging.

[De****]

Unlike others I don’t think kink means non commitment. Actually, I think casual kink is the outside of the norm. I would say that true dynamics are commitment based. I’m absolutely not going to go into RACK situations with random people. I would suggest just being upfront with what and asking what they want.

[De****]

Also vet vet vet vet and never stop vetting. That will help you weed out a lot of the wrong people.

[Deleted Member]

Denver is right. Speaking for myself I would definitely be willing to commit if I made a connection with someone and we both fulfilled eachothers fantasies. There would have to be a lot of built up trust and understanding. I guess I just find it unlikely. Also, on a sidenote I'd say don't judge the words and vibe of someone's profile too heavily. You never know...

[Deleted Member]

Per the last bit, I'd say both. I'd like to see more reflected in terminology, on profiles from apps (and other places), as well as individuals being better able to clearly communicate - EVERYTHING. It gets super dicey at times for some to do precisely that, even without any malice or destructivity or cultural bias, let's say, let alone any neurologically/emotionally/socially-challenged folks. I don't know what specifically I have to suggest, but I'm here for the conversation. Thanks for this post.

[showmeurtds]

GOLDEN RULE: treat others as you would like to be treated and communicate your intentions, thoughts and feelings with whom ever you are talking with or messaging. We are all adults but there are those few bad apples who spoil everything for the rest of us.

[Deleted Member]

I acknowledge this was a long post but the ratio of those who read it thoroughly to those who may have skim read it, highlighted some of the concerns raised originally. I also expected and appreciated opinions to vary. My point was, is it our responsibility to update our profiles with as much transparency as possible so such incidences of 'cry wolf' or 'being misunderstood' happens or does this site need more catergories in terms of what people are looking for? Or is it both? All I know is that if the human element (feelings/emotions etc) keep getting depleted from ingenuine intentions or possible worse scenarios, common sense would dictate that the number of people using this site/app would go down and not even the mods (who volunteer their time for this) can save it. Maybe I'm expecting too much emotional maturity from over 18's (the age and above to even join this site) or maybe there is no accountability for actions to be had by anyone. Is this where we really are?

[Deleted Member]

20 hours ago, BruceGoose said:

There is nothing predatory going on here. You comsented and chose to do these things and know what they are. People like you are the type to falsely accuse somone of r4p3 becuase you recreated aomwthing or didn't like how something went. You need to chill out and take more responsibility for what you want and be clear about that and not blaming the world over it ans acting like it's a threat or a problem when your communication is the issue. Know what you want but handle yourself in the process.

Thank you for commenting with your opinion. I do appreciate you taking the time in doing so. Though your assumptions about "people like you" and you assumed I am one of them, is harsh at least and judgemental at best, I do understand, through reading between the lines, people do take advantage of others. Do they/did they consent to it? Ah well, there is another interesting take on the subject. Another good question is, if people like me (that you thoughtfully categorised us in) did not consent to being taken advantage of, then maybe that could bring us to a conclusion and also another good question. Did the past experience make people 'cry wolf' or was it the ingenuine intention not clearly stated in the first place?

I also acknowledge that good healthy communication can only be sustainable by active engagement to and from all parties.

[lo****]

I know the feeling

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 03:34 PM, xLittle_Lady_of_Lotx said:

I acknowledge this was a long post but the ratio of those who read it thoroughly to those who may have skim read it, highlighted some of the concerns raised originally. I also expected and appreciated opinions to vary. My point was, is it our responsibility to update our profiles with as much transparency as possible so such incidences of 'cry wolf' or 'being misunderstood' happens or does this site need more catergories in terms of what people are looking for? Or is it both? All I know is that if the human element (feelings/emotions etc) keep getting depleted from ingenuine intentions or possible worse scenarios, common sense would dictate that the number of people using this site/app would go down and not even the mods (who volunteer their time for this) can save it. Maybe I'm expecting too much emotional maturity from over 18's (the age and above to even join this site) or maybe there is no accountability for actions to be had by anyone. Is this where we really are?

I appreciate you making these posts. It’s scary how many guys say/think that just because Fet is fetish/erotic site, they can do as they please, treat us like crap, because apparently as sub, we ask for it, not putting any effort to get to know me before I open my legs and no aftercare…. Each to their own. Some people like to just fuck without any connection. But I have stated, I thought clearly, in my profile, that I need to grow trust and connection with someone, and people still just want to shag me without any effort. Or to blow them. I get paid for just shagging. And sex with strangers does nothing to me. So why would I want to give away a piece of myself to someone who just wants to nut, doesn’t respect me and doesn’t care what I want/need? Even if there would be more options to highlight in profiles, a lot of men don’t even look and choose through those. Then they message me and ask why did I not messaged them. Because if I know nothing about them or about what they want, and if they already in profile don’t put any effort, why would I? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I want something real and different from just sex. And don’t get me started on fake doms 🙈 people like these guys can harm physically or mentally a newbie, who thinks this is correct way, and it isn’t!