Has anyone else had a journey like mine?

[sa****]

I’ve always known I was drawn to this world.
I’ve always known I’m submissive.

I’ve experimented a bit over the years, but it never became much.
Life took me in another direction — as a single mom, single for 16 years, I never really had the chance to live out what I truly desired.

I’ve never been in love.
I’ve had two long-term partners in my 51 years – the rest were sex partners.
But I’ve never really felt satisfied, not physically and not emotionally.

Sex means a lot to me, but I don’t connect it with love.
Even when I’ve tried to express what I want, the men I’ve met haven’t understood or been able to meet me there.
When my partner isn’t dominant enough — which they usually haven’t been — I end up taking control myself, and that completely turns me off.
There’s a strength in me that takes over when there’s a lack of presence and authority.

I miss having someone who truly understands me – both in everyday life and in intimacy.
Someone who can take responsibility so I can finally let go.

Physical attraction is important to me too – without it, nothing happens.

Now I’m finally in a place in life where I can go all in and live out who I really am.
But finding the right person isn’t easy – whether it’s for something lasting or purely sexual.

Has anyone else struggled to find their path – or only later in life found the freedom to live their true nature?

[GermanShark]

Yes

[Sh****]

I am sort of the same. I’ve always been drawn to this life, and I have been searching for an honest and caring partner who shares the same sincerity and willingness as I do. everytime I meet someone, they either flat out lie, or are selfish and manipulative, and I spend so much energy and part of my soul loving them, and find out they never loved me in return. Just get discarded like a piece of trash when they get bored. I don’t know what it feels like to be truely loved. I’m 42 now and I want to give up and just crawl under a rock. I’m sick of been lied to, ***d and ghosted. I don’t do anything wrong except utterly devote myself. How can these horrible and manipulative people live with themselves knowing they destroy peoples lives with their toxic shit.

[Wr****]

I mean, every journey is significantly different. You're clearly aware of the nuance details with your own needs. Most can't really even say that or they haven't delve deep enough to fully grasp what it is they actually need. Sometimes you don't even know until you experience something you didn't necessarily plan on or expect, with how it may unfold.

Every journey is like this on a surface level. How far someone goes with it is the difference.

[un****]

I resonate with this completely. I want to submit and trust completely but I have had to be the strong mom/ professional etc. for many years. DM me if you would like to talk further

[er****]

If you could just imagine that from a man’s perspective I mean same everything raised two of my three daughters by myself most I thought I was in love was with a covert narcissist which has made me think of myself as pathetic I have no one left to impress been too afraid to be me because of running off turning off labeled a freak being more what I thought women would want and actually in general a person who
Likes helping etc but it has never related to me feeling submissive I’ve always been felt acted dominant byt precieved weak I guess but your story is pretty much mine I figure I have thought of myself as pathetic I have dedicated my life to my kids and couldn’t really get too attached because women I attracted wasn’t kid friendly I guess more so nothing to do with sexuality then attracting women with narcissistic personality disorder tendencies and they give you a taste of what you truly desire to hook you then forget that which really confuses me even more makese *** my sexual desires they have never been met with true enjoyment tho pretended to be some may have but it’s ts always been weaponized against me love bombing then manipulated with it. Well I don’t have worry about what I do my daughters see etc etc etc I still find it very hard to just flat out tell say everything even tho I am a open person I usually say to much try to over Evelin tell everything

[my****]

I have been a dominant since I found out about BDSM at the dawn of the internet. I was fif***. I’ve had one nilla relationship for 6 years in my 20s and after that it’s been subs but few and far between. Each time I think I can be happy with a nilla relationship, I just find myself annoyed. When I use my dom voice you’re supposed to know to do what I say, not get upset and sulk. Alas it’s better to be true to yourself and be single than to be uncomfortable just to be with someone. Nilla to me always feels like wearing your good clothes for picture day in school. I am uncomfortable, and I’m not meant to be constrained this way.

[Mi****]

I can relate to this more than I’d like to admit. Also being a single mom, we’ve had to take the reins due to lack of presence and authority. It wasn’t a choice, it was a necessity. The last thing we want to do is also have to take control in the bedroom as well. Nice at times but I think you know what I mean. It would be so nice to not have to make a decision or be responsible for once and just have the freedom of letting someone take control so you can fully let go. You’re not alone, that’s for sure.

[Deleted Member]

Very similar to you and find it very difficult to find a match to final explore at this age too. 

[Deleted Member]

I was always dominant even at a young age I always just took charge and gave directions because I felt I knew what to do and how to do it better than everyone else. Yes I know how psycho egotistical that sounds especially for a preschooler but thats how I was I just didnt knkw it had a name until i went to a swingers party when I was 20 and met a lady there who just by watching me interact wjtb other guests figured out and told me what I was and opened the doors for me to be myself and talk to others who felt the same ways. I remained that way until recently when due to a very very bad experience with my former sub I have quit the lifestyle and sex altogether as I can now only associate any of it with crippling depression and anxiety. I hope you get to be happy and live your dreams