Rejection

[Deleted Member]

Wife of the profile chiming in!

We’ve all encountered accounts that go quiet, or politely decline a spark before it catches flame.

What fascinates me most, (having been on both sides of rejection,) is how it’s handled. I think it’s perfectly fine not to be everyone’s flavour of fantasy; we’re all chasing our own highs. And personally, it’s way more attractive when someone knows themselves enough to say no, (or choose not to bother with at all.)

When interactions feel choreographed, and a simple “no” triggers theatrics, it’s a sign (at least for myself) that an individual’s more enamored with their imagined script than any tension and experience that may naturally play out.

Personally pleasure is a dialogue, not a monologue, and while you can cater to fantasies you cannot f*rce interest. Take, take, take without ever learning to give, (or give up in this case,) and simply being present in these spaces loses its spark.

Curious to hear how other kinkster’s feel/relate to the topic!

[Si****]

You make a great point.

We are all consenting adults! I won’t yuck your yum unless it’s directly subjected for my consideration (and I’m explicitly not into that). More power to everyone indulging in their sexual curiosities.

If it’s not something you’re into, respectfully decline and we both pivot to the next set of interested participants. If it’s negotiable then let’s find the best way to accomplish mutual satisfaction.

Ego over complicates a lot.

[Qu****]

One of the best things for folks to learn early on with any form of dating is that there’s so many different reasons both valid and petty that could lead to someone rejecting you that harping on it is virtually useless; just wish them well, and focus on continuing the search for whoever’s into what you’re into.

[Do****]

Well said. It's pretty simple and respectful to decline if that's not your thing. Just because it has to do with sex and fantasies does not give people the right to flake. As stated, we are consenting adults. There is no need to bring ***age angst or drama. Courtesy goes a long way. I wish you all the best in finding the proper people.

[uy****]

This entire post is bad taste and shows a lack of judgment and self discipline and ability to stay in ur own lane and do u. U sound really anxious

[sw****]

I agree in many cases - we are seeing the world through our own eyes. We all know it hurts and those with an anxious attachment style (25%) are most likely to be theatrical.

I had an experience where I was able to show my personal growth in this area just a couple weeks ago at a swing club in Oakville Ontario. I saw a woman there that I had previously talked to for a few minutes and she was interested in me. Husband there but just watching. We talked for over an hour at the bar and move to the couch. I was doing most of the listening. I guess she just wanted the attention and an ear to listen. Her husband came over a few times to chat but left us alone most of the time.

When I finally asked if I could kiss her she said no. I was very surprised, bordering on shock because all the signs were there and some of our convo was about our likes and kinks, and we had matching desires. I was surprised but not hurt. I admit it took some self awareness and self control, but I am sure it will be easier next time. I can assuage my ego believing I got cuck-blocked by the hubby.

She was apologetic for taking my time all night but said she had a bad experience there the last time she went to the playspace with a guy she met. Whether that was true or not, or if the hubby gave me the thumbs down, did not matter to me. I saw it as a chance to get comfortable being uncomfortable and develop thicker skin.

I responded with a lesson I learned from my last girlfriend. Consent means it has to be consequence free to say no. If the person that asked gets hurt then that is a form consequence in itself. So we need to “man up/lady up” and have accept.

Theatrics become a punishment and are counter consent in my opinion.

As it was the second time we had met at the club I simply said no this was great, I enjoyed myself - let’s do it again next time we see eachother and pick up the conversation. I hope she is regret free.

Now, that does not mean I did not learn from it in terms of taking care of my own needs. Had it been a busier night with other interesting women there that night perhaps I would have asked sooner and moved on.

As a newly swingle solo man I am learning his can be a hard lifestyle community to “penetrate 😜”. And I will never find my ***ps if I get hurt by rejection.

So I stepped up to the plate and struck out. I will return to the plate with more confidence and hopefully get to second base.

[ey****]

As much as it can be difficult.   The first thing anyone has to be able to accustom to is they will be rejected. And likely more than once.

Folk can presume how they might handle it, but won't know until it happens.  And rejection can take place in many forms, a no-longer-responding *may* be a rejection of sorts (or, may need one or the other to reignite the conversation) or it may be in any form of "hey, so sorry - I'm just not interested"

An important thing there is then learning to handle with grace, however you may feel.  And that doesn't mean lashing out or pushing for feedback (they already said they aint interested, don't make them write essays to satisfy you)

It might, depending on context, take a little bit to get over and move on.  But, do so. 

[DJWolfDaddy]

The thing about this post is that when you have started a good conversation with someone and it's going well but then all of a sudden that other person goes silent and decides to not respond at all or ghost. That is what I call disrespectful when you don't communicate what's going on to let the other person know one way or another if you are wanting to continue the conversation or not. When I first came into the Kink community back 20 plus years ago respect was a big thing and was expected on both ends but now it seems like respect has been tossed out the window. At least when I show genuine interest in wanting to get to know someone and not playing games and being shown disrespect because of it that is not tolerated by me whatsoever and should not be tolerated by anyone

[da****]

1 hour ago, DJWolfDaddy said:

The thing about this post is that when you have started a good conversation with someone and it's going well but then all of a sudden that other person goes silent and decides to not respond at all or ghost. That is what I call disrespectful when you don't communicate what's going on to let the other person know one way or another if you are wanting to continue the conversation or not. When I first came into the Kink community back 20 plus years ago respect was a big thing and was expected on both ends but now it seems like respect has been tossed out the window. At least when I show genuine interest in wanting to get to know someone and not playing games and being shown disrespect because of it that is not tolerated by me whatsoever and should not be tolerated by anyone

I've been dealing with a lot of that lately, that and getting stood up

[Bi****]

I'm used to it as a guy, seeing how it's way harder for guys to hook up.

[da****]

I'm not even trying to just hook up..... I'm actually trying to find a relationship.......

[da****]

What I hate is when people read the messages and then don’t respond it’s like you read it could I get alittle feedback so that can grow alittle more because I absolutely suck at first messages just because im nervous and anxious

[19****]

Exactly women "in general" not all cry about confidence and effort, but by no means am I perfect, beautiful or 10/10 looks. But they just kill all confidence with the lazy messaging and neglect. Like if communication is key how come they don't respectfully communicate. Instead ill get a block or no response. I'd prefer some kind of feedback. Be HUMAN.

[da****]

5 minutes ago, 19Candyman94 said:

Exactly women "in general" not all cry about confidence and effort, but by no means am I perfect, beautiful or 10/10 looks. But they just kill all confidence with the lazy messaging and neglect. Like if communication is key how come they don't respectfully communicate. Instead ill get a block or no response. I'd prefer some kind of feedback. Be HUMAN.

Fuckin facts

[Deleted Member]

44 minutes ago, dale46805 said:

What I hate is when people read the messages and then don’t respond it’s like you read it could I get alittle feedback so that can grow alittle more because I absolutely suck at first messages just because im nervous and anxious

That's my biggest pet ***ve. They give you permission to dm, but don't respond.

[Mi****]

As a mistress, I will always try to get back to your advances, messages, and attention with telling you I am not interested or at the very least tell you something. I feel it is rude and disrespectful to ignore or ghost ppl in that respect. We are all human and have needs,and if you are on here and say something... you, like me, are looking to fulfill those needs. Have some class, respect, and be decent to one another...say something. On the same note, though...if I say no, please dont continue to harass me about it either. I am a confident and honest woman. When I tell you something, please listen.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Misschrisc744l said:

As a mistress, I will always try to get back to your advances, messages, and attention with telling you I am not interested or at the very least tell you something. I feel it is rude and disrespectful to ignore or ghost ppl in that respect. We are all human and have needs,and if you are on here and say something... you, like me, are looking to fulfill those needs. Have some class, respect, and be decent to one another...say something. On the same note, though...if I say no, please dont continue to harass me about it either. I am a confident and honest woman. When I tell you something, please listen.

Agreed. I just don't get being ignored

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, uyscutiii said:

This entire post is bad taste and shows a lack of judgment and self discipline and ability to stay in ur own lane and do u. U sound really anxious

How does addressing the fact that someone saying no shouldn’t be met with theatrics a form of anxiety? Maybe I’m just hyper conscious on how people tend to linger on rejection (for whatever reason) simply because they’re attached to the fantasy they assign a person with rather than just facing reality/facts.

[Du****]

2 hours ago, alvarado427224 said:

Agreed. I just don't get being ignored

The ability to ignore messages on any online dating platform ultimately comes down to consent. You messaging them first is tantamount to giving your consent for interaction. Them messaging you back positively would be them granting consent for conversation as well. If someone is ignoring your messages, they either aren't giving you their consent, or they may be inundated with messages and yours simply hasn't been looked at or you didn't stand out to them. In either case, no one owes you a response.


If they are ignoring you, it could be to avoid harassment. There's TONS of people on here, mostly male by a wide margin, that can't take rejection like the high functioning adults they pretend to be. Imagine having a very full inbox of messages, say around 300. 95% of them fall into 3 categories. A: generic "Hey beautiful" message. B: someone's nonconsensual r@pe fantasy. Or C: the "nice guy". The first set is uninspired, unoriginal and generally uninteresting. The second set has already ignored consent and should ALWAYS be viewed as a giant red flag. And the third set usually actually fall into one or both of the other 2. That leaves you with 15 messages out of the 300. How many of those 15 people are you attracted to? 10? 7? Picture having to go through all of those messages and profiles for 7 potentials. Now picture that 60-80% of the "no" responses you send out come back with calling you names, harassment, and threats.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, DucatiDaddy said:

The ability to ignore messages on any online dating platform ultimately comes down to consent. You messaging them first is tantamount to giving your consent for interaction. Them messaging you back positively would be them granting consent for conversation as well. If someone is ignoring your messages, they either aren't giving you their consent, or they may be inundated with messages and yours simply hasn't been looked at or you didn't stand out to them. In either case, no one owes you a response.


If they are ignoring you, it could be to avoid harassment. There's TONS of people on here, mostly male by a wide margin, that can't take rejection like the high functioning adults they pretend to be. Imagine having a very full inbox of messages, say around 300. 95% of them fall into 3 categories. A: generic "Hey beautiful" message. B: someone's nonconsensual r@pe fantasy. Or C: the "nice guy". The first set is uninspired, unoriginal and generally uninteresting. The second set has already ignored consent and should ALWAYS be viewed as a giant red flag. And the third set usually actually fall into one or both of the other 2. That leaves you with 15 messages out of the 300. How many of those 15 people are you attracted to? 10? 7? Picture having to go through all of those messages and profiles for 7 potentials. Now picture that 60-80% of the "no" responses you send out come back with calling you names, harassment, and threats.

I took all that into account, and I agree for the most part, but at least message and say you're not interested

[Du****]

13 minutes ago, alvarado427224 said:

I took all that into account, and I agree for the most part, but at least message and say you're not interested

If you read what I wrote, but your stance is still "I'm owed a response" then you didn't actually comprehend any of it. You aren't entitled to anyone's time, effort or energy, and no one owes you a response just because you messaged them. It's equivalent to following someone down the street at night, yelling "hey, you're really pretty" then getting upset when they take off running. Your whole stance is giving "But I'm not like those other guys, I'm a nice guy" energy. It's why women choose the bear, my guy.

[va****]

I look at it this way if i message someone if they read it or not if I don't get a response then move on no one is owed anything in life I don't understand the whole entitlement that people seem to think they have

[Mr****]

There's a very old saying on these things: "Expect the worst; hope for the best". Most of us have heard that, yes?

It is important to remember that courtesy is a privilege of interaction—privileges are selective and not guaranteed universally, yes? Then a courteous interaction is also not universally guaranteed, yes? Now, most people like the thought of being politely let down as it shows care by others; but these others are strangers, and such care from strangers is also seldom guaranteed to occur, agreed? Those polite let-downs may be said to be a courtesy of the "dance of dating", as few people enjoy having their toes stepped on (when not asked for, hah).

Given the previous, is it reasonable to expect for someone to give any response at all to a complete stranger soliciting for what is most likely a salacious purpose? ... Ah, but what it is, is *nice*. It is a sweet thing to know that someone cared enough to communicate, and arguably this would make for a far better world; but such is not the social expectation, merely a statement of things hoped for. ❤️

[va****]

1 hour ago, MrDDS said:

There's a very old saying on these things: "Expect the worst; hope for the best". Most of us have heard that, yes?

It is important to remember that courtesy is a privilege of interaction—privileges are selective and not guaranteed universally, yes? Then a courteous interaction is also not universally guaranteed, yes? Now, most people like the thought of being politely let down as it shows care by others; but these others are strangers, and such care from strangers is also seldom guaranteed to occur, agreed? Those polite let-downs may be said to be a courtesy of the "dance of dating", as few people enjoy having their toes stepped on (when not asked for, hah).

Given the previous, is it reasonable to expect for someone to give any response at all to a complete stranger soliciting for what is most likely a salacious purpose? ... Ah, but what it is, is *nice*. It is a sweet thing to know that someone cared enough to communicate, and arguably this would make for a far better world; but such is not the social expectation, merely a statement of things hoped for. ❤️

Very understandable but its the reply from the rejection some are saying the rejected gets hateful and offensive so they just stop relying so they don't get treated poorly

[ey****]

9 hours ago, alvarado427224 said:

I took all that into account, and I agree for the most part, but at least message and say you're not interested

Something to think about

you get home from work and pick up your post.  If there's a pizza menu and you're not interested - do you phone the pizza shop and be "hey, thanks for the pizza menu. But I don't want pizza" I mean, they went to the effort of printing a leaflet and putting it through your door.

Add in any other kinda of mail like this.  

And this is the thing to remember - when you "reach out" to people - you are basically posting pizza menus through their door. And, even if you "put effort in" then it's merely a customised pizza menu.    The no response is enough to tell you they're not interested.