When should the hard to talk about past be talked about?

[fr****]

Before you open up learn to love the scars , embrace that *** and nourish it back to health , after that then you open up .... only you can fix you

[wa****]

Take your time

[wi****]

Don’t talk about it at all??

[PL****]

Friday at 07:19 PM, MaskKinkCouple said:

Lol, I have no baggage so anything voiced is theoretical and form my thoughts on the reasons and approaches people with baggage might take. I'm not a war vet with PTSD, I've never been in an abusive relationship, I've never been rapped or molested and as such, I can only speculate on how approaching those things would feel. But I have empathy and I can imagine how hard those conversations and facts would be to bring up. How would you tell someone you were molested and how much detail would you want to share. Would you even want to think about it to discuss it would they forever see you as a victim, would they treat you differently, would you feel different once they knew, would their touch be the same, would yours the questions would be maddening. Put yourself in their shoes and stop trying to tell them what you think is alright. Your voice is valid, but your tone isn't.

So ask someone who has PTSD from my past trauma. Talking about with someone you do not 100% trust is really difficult and can even produce high levels of anxiety at just the thought of voicing outloud "I've gone through X trauma." So doing so within the first few days may be a totally unreasonable ask. I think it extremely important to share such information, but it can simply be to start something like "I've been through major trauma. It's difficult to talk about, so I will discuss more details as I feel comfortable doing so." Just a simple mention, nothing detailed to start is a comprise that tends to work for me. Then when I feel ready to share that part of myself my partner knows that information will help further, but also knows not to push and trusts me enough to trust them. This is why safe words are used. Because, not always can we discuss everything in a manner which suits others...compromise it works well and on top of it the lie of omission, it not the same as any other lie of omission.

[Deleted Member]

This is usually something that comes up at the start, before play. I mean before the first session. You talk about limits and hopefully safe words. If the past did not come up then, you should at least have introduced some form of system that can change any situation into discussing the past. For example a stop word or perhaps evaluation talks. If you feel that it is important to talk about your past, ask permission to speak, preferably when not in a session, but before. Ask that you feel that it is important to tell them a bit about your past, and ask if they can schedule a moment to talk about it. Also let them know that moment is not now unless they want to. That way, you bring it up, but give them all the control.

[Ma****]

3 hours ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

So ask someone who has PTSD from my past trauma. Talking about with someone you do not 100% trust is really difficult and can even produce high levels of anxiety at just the thought of voicing outloud "I've gone through X trauma." So doing so within the first few days may be a totally unreasonable ask. I think it extremely important to share such information, but it can simply be to start something like "I've been through major trauma. It's difficult to talk about, so I will discuss more details as I feel comfortable doing so." Just a simple mention, nothing detailed to start is a comprise that tends to work for me. Then when I feel ready to share that part of myself my partner knows that information will help further, but also knows not to push and trusts me enough to trust them. This is why safe words are used. Because, not always can we discuss everything in a manner which suits others...compromise it works well and on top of it the lie of omission, it not the same as any other lie of omission.

Yeh, that makes complete sense to me. I mean, it takes time to have non-trauma related conversations in relationships. And sometimes, even if you do mention certain things up front and early, the other party is still lusting, so ignores it's gravity. A person mentioning they don't want kids on a first date only for that conversation to rear it's head again and become a bone of contention would be an example that comes to mind. Openess is difficult and more over if you're having fun and getting to know a person do you suddenly blurt out a mood killer. You don't and not because you're hiding it, it's just because the timing isn't right. I feel that these things come up naturally. I get for some it's more than they're willing to deal with, but you can't really *** that level of sharing. As long as you communicate your kink hard stops and no's to protect yourself from trauma, I think the details can be shared when you're comfortable, I do feel like they should be shared, if you want that relationship to be stable. Trust and understanding are what it's all about.

[Ma****]

3 hours ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

So ask someone who has PTSD from my past trauma. Talking about with someone you do not 100% trust is really difficult and can even produce high levels of anxiety at just the thought of voicing outloud "I've gone through X trauma." So doing so within the first few days may be a totally unreasonable ask. I think it extremely important to share such information, but it can simply be to start something like "I've been through major trauma. It's difficult to talk about, so I will discuss more details as I feel comfortable doing so." Just a simple mention, nothing detailed to start is a comprise that tends to work for me. Then when I feel ready to share that part of myself my partner knows that information will help further, but also knows not to push and trusts me enough to trust them. This is why safe words are used. Because, not always can we discuss everything in a manner which suits others...compromise it works well and on top of it the lie of omission, it not the same as any other lie of omission.

Also, thank you for sharing, I can't imagine it's easy to say, even in this space. But it grows our understanding having these dialogs, so I really appreciate you sharing.

[PL****]

11 hours ago, MaskKinkCouple said:

Also, thank you for sharing, I can't imagine it's easy to say, even in this space. But it grows our understanding having these dialogs, so I really appreciate you sharing.

Thank you for recognizing the difficulty of sharing. I'd o so because it is a safe space and it does teach. I hate people going into this lifestyle without knowledge. It can cause major issues. I share this information and information like it to help people grow and understand how to be better for them.and their partners, plus it helps me grow as a human too!

[Gr****]

Never. Leave the past where is belings. The past. Make your present more interesting. Learn new and interesting ways to be more human, reasonable, mindful , and thoughtful or a million other things. This will open up much mire topics of conversation.
If you want to drudge up the fucking past, see a psychologist. Do not put your shit on others. They have their own.

[wb****]

Friday at 11:08 AM, VelvetChocolate said:

I think everyone has a different comfort level, but personally I believe the past doesn’t always need to be unpacked in detail for a new dynamic to work. The past is the past, and sometimes revisiting it can make things heavier than they need to be.
What matters most to me is the present connection, clear communication about current boundaries, triggers, and what feels good or doesn’t feel good now without needing to go deep into how someone learned those things in previous relationships.
If a sub has a history like DV or SA, they shouldn’t feel ***d to retell the whole story unless they want to. Sharing triggers or limits doesn’t have to include sharing trauma.

Thank you, I appreciate it how you worded that it make a lot of sense.

[wb****]

Friday at 11:08 AM, mrmasternick said:

As a survivor of childhood sexual ***, I’ve learned that you never owe anyone the details of what happened to you. Early in my healing, I used to overshare because I thought “being open” meant I had to tell everything. I felt almost obligated to prove my *** was real.

The truth I’ve come to is simpler and freer: you don’t have to talk about it at all unless you genuinely want to. If you fully trust someone and the moment feels right, you might choose to share; that’s okay. If something triggers you and you want to explain why certain things upset you, that’s okay too. But there’s no rule that says you must disclose your trauma to be believed, respected, or healed.

There’s a huge misconception that survivors have to “tell their story” in order to move forward. You should feel free to speak when you’re ready (and with whom you’re ready), but you’re never required to. Silence doesn’t mean you’re hiding or stuck; sometimes it just means you’re protecting your peace.

Most importantly: your trauma happened to you, but it isn’t who you are. It’s a chapter of your past, not the definition of your life. You get to decide how much space it takes up from now on.

You’re allowed to be more than what was done to you.

Thank you. I understand and have some ideas.

[wb****]

Friday at 12:10 PM, Kingrhino023 said:

I get what you're saying, but seriously, I still think it's wrong. My whole point is you shouldn't jump into a new relationship until you're totally over your past and nothing can set you off. You shouldn't be dragging old baggage into a new thing. There shouldn't be any triggers left because your head should be clear of all that past trauma and problems. I don't get why you'd think it's cool for someone to be with another person and have to deal with their potential trauma and triggers? That's just gonna lead to bigger problems like trust issues, bad communication, and stuff being hidden. To me, that's super messed up and unfair to the new person because they should've known all this from the start. That way, they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.

Correct me if I’m misunderstanding. It sound like you are saying two different things.
The first I hear you saying is no one with past trauma, or triggers should be in a relationship until they are “cured”. Then you say “they (I’m assuming Don) should’ve known all this from the start. That way they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.” The last sentence sounds like your saying the Dom would be triggered by the survivors trauma. I hope you meant so the survivor doesn’t get triggered.
What I’m asking is which do you mean? Are you saying a DV SA survivor should not be in a relationship until they are “cured” of the trauma (something that never happens) / triggers or are you saying the survivor should tell their new partner about the trauma in some capacity.

[wb****]

Friday at 12:20 PM, CopperKnob said:

OP, I would suggest considering your motivation for sharing, then how much you share, the potential impact on you, how triggering it may be and how much energy do you need to recover, are you (at the time of disclosure) emotionally resilient.
I'd also question, what might they do with the information, how may they respond, are you prepared for that especially if they're going to need any emotional support, are you prepared for any questions.
There is no right time. It's going to very much depend on the relationship you have and the above, what other external factors are present.
To reiterate, it should never be expected that anyone shares such trauma though, I would add if there are aspects of BDSM that may trigger your past, that does need to be discussed first but, the detail/the why does not. Sometimes it's as simple as completing your own risk assessment and anything you'd be worried about can be a hard limit. Again, no one needs ro know why anyone has a hard limit in place. Not anyone worth their salt

Thank you, knowing I can set it as a hard limit without having to explain helps.

[Deleted Member]

I've wrestled with that question myself. Please don't apologize for asking, we all need to know this. That is the honest truth about dealing with these sensitive topics. You wrestle with them, and when you trust the wrong person, you get burned. I think the key consensus I’m understanding among ethical Doms in this community is that you should never have to wait for them to ask. The submissive needs to feel empowered to bring these things up when they feel safe and ready. The safest way to handle it is usually little bits at a time, guided by a clear structure. You offer it up in a 'I need you to know this to keep me safe' way. It's essential to be vigilant about a Dom who might use that sensitive information against you as leverage or blackmail in the future; that is ***, not D/s. It’s all about building that foundation slow, because your Dom’s primary responsibility is your safety.

[Deleted Member]

We talked about this when accepting each other as Dom/Sub. It’s an important part in building the relationship and trust. We both have a troubled past and have found structure in living the Dom/Sub lifestyle. If you can’t be 100% honest with each other how can you trust someone enough to just let go? One of the most important rolls as a Dom is to have your sub feel safe enough to give over all control and they can trust you fully.