Reading Minds vs Using Words

[So****]

I used to think a good Dom should be able to read every sigh, smile and micro expression that comes out of a sub.

Reality check…humans are terrible mind readers.

Non verbal cues are messy, ambiguous and shaped by past experience.

These days I watch body language and I ask.
I don’t expect a sub to “hint” when they can use their words. And I don’t assume we mean the same thing until we have actually said it out loud.

Clear, explicit communication doesn’t kill the dynamic it protects it. It lets Doms stay vigilant about their subs’ emotional states without pretending to be psychic.

How do you like to handle this in your dynamics more signals, more words, or both?

[Th****]

There's something to be said about being able to read every subtle movement and sigh, but for that to be the expectation is crazy.

Once you truly learn your partner you can certainly react to their subconscious signs even before they are able to put them into words... But to get there requires that clear communication before and throughout the dynamic. Don't leave it up to chance and if there is any doubt there's never harm in confirming.

In the heat of the moment you may not want to stop, but there are ways to bring it up without breaking the scene.

[da****]

He should. Body language alone

[Wr****]

All of that comes with learning your sub. Verbal and open communication is the staple to build into that. I absolutely agree.

[wo****]

All great points. But the words must be congruent with the non verbal part of the communication because that is where the majority of people’s communication comes from. I can say I hate you to someone in a way that they clearly understand I mean something else. We all recognize this even if it’s not formally processed.

[ey****]

there's stuff where... 

yep - communication is of course important and subs (and Dominants) should use, and shouldn't be afraid to use, their human words expressly saying what they want, what they don't, so on, so forth

unfortunately for varying reasons this is not always the reality.

Particularly during play - a submissive may need to safeword but is not.  The reason they don't could be because they are afraid this means the end of playtime - it could be that they will feel they are letting their Dominant down - or it could be they are that overwhelmed by endorphins and emotions that words simply escape them.  

This is where a Dominant has to be able to make these calls.  Because "but they didn't safeword" might technically be true but it shows a limited understanding of what the submissive is experiencing at that second.  The Dominant has to be able to say to themselves, "no, they've had enough" (or, enough of that particular toy/activity/etc) the thing is, if the Dominant is wrong and cuts early - this can always be communicated - you can give more next time, you can't take back what is done.

 

[Deleted Member]

I'm learning that while it's tempting to wish for mind-reading in D/s, it's actually super risky. What I'm realizing is that true safety and enthusiastic consent come from clear, open communication. I'm learning that a great Dom really encourages their sub to use words for limits and feelings, always. It's clear that since no one can read minds, open talking is where the real trust and dynamic strength come from.

[wo****]

15 hours ago, AuraBelle said:

I'm learning that while it's tempting to wish for mind-reading in D/s, it's actually super risky. What I'm realizing is that true safety and enthusiastic consent come from clear, open communication. I'm learning that a great Dom really encourages their sub to use words for limits and feelings, always. It's clear that since no one can read minds, open talking is where the real trust and dynamic strength come from.

These are words of wisdom. All too often unspoken desires and concerns turn into resentment. It’s like holding a grudge against someone for something they are not even aware of.