How Do You Hold Space Without Losing Yourself?

[Deleted Member]

An Open Letter to Anyone Loving Someone They Can’t Be With

There’s a very particular kind of grief that doesn’t get talked about enough, the grief of caring for someone you can’t be with, someone you still want to protect,
someone whose softness woke up parts of you that rarely see light, but whose instability, trauma, or life circumstances make a relationship impossible.

It’s the grief of loving someone gently while accepting that loving them fully would break you both.

It’s not a breakup.
It’s not unrequited love.
It’s not anger or betrayal.
It’s something quieter, heavier, stranger.

It’s grieving the connection but not the person. Grieving the potential but not the reality. Grieving what you saw in them, without asking for anything back. And it hurts in a way that’s hard to name.

How do you cope with loss that you create by having boundaries, when you leave you heart on the other side of the fence? And you still walk parallel with them but can't be together 💔

[Br****]

This kind of situation is so harsh. I'm going through this exact situation and, as you said it's something different, because it's not the lack of love or respect or any of that, so sometimes it seems stupid not being together. The way that I try to cope with that it's by thinking that together we aren't fulfilling ours full capabilities, and I don't want to deny and be denied this. I want to see this person shining and thriving. If that means that we can't be together right now, so be it. I rather see them being successful, happy and whole alone, then miserable and incomplete with me. My hope is that in the future, when we are more established and with our lives on rails we can be together again, but this time do add to each others life.

[Kn****]

I left/broke up with my partner bc I found out I’m sick, the C word. I call it “chips and salsa” and never its real name. I’ll recover, but the process—oof. He and his wife and kids became so dear to me in five short months. Best of my life. I don’t want to put any of them through what’s coming. I miss him everyday, miss them too. He was a perfect dom and is a good man. He has no idea why. Likely, he thinks it’s bc his work takes him out of town. —— I’m sorry we’re all missing someone we love.

[ol****]

Getting present! What you're speaking about sounds like grieving the fantasy of what might have been, what you wanted it to be, what the person portrayed themselves to be and wasn't. I've been there many times. Then got a grip on what was really happening. Endorphins my friend! Man there's nothing better when they get fired up. The hot sexting! Creates the fantasy and it's delicious! But that's all it is. I've had many experiences like this, met a few in person and the vibe wasn't there. So it had me really look at what was going on within myself. Having boundaries and values is so important and not compromising them! Like write them down so you can check in with what's really happening. I think the heartbreak of any relationship ending is grieving the fantasy of what we wanted and what could have been....if only

[po****]

These things are so difficult to accept. I have been in situations like this before. I dealt with it like a breakup or some other difficult situation: repeat the truth of the situation in my head over and over, let myself feel it fully, and strongly try to accept the situation as it is. I realised that I was constantly focusing on these fantasies and dreams, thinking "Why can't this be? If only..." but continuing to focus on the fantasies and dreams will stop you from moving on and will only continue the ***. You have to stop dreaming 😥

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, BratTamerBear said:

This kind of situation is so harsh. I'm going through this exact situation and, as you said it's something different, because it's not the lack of love or respect or any of that, so sometimes it seems stupid not being together. The way that I try to cope with that it's by thinking that together we aren't fulfilling ours full capabilities, and I don't want to deny and be denied this. I want to see this person shining and thriving. If that means that we can't be together right now, so be it. I rather see them being successful, happy and whole alone, then miserable and incomplete with me. My hope is that in the future, when we are more established and with our lives on rails we can be together again, but this time do add to each others life.

I felt that. Letting someone go so they can become who they’re meant to be, that’s a ***ful kind of devotion. And you are right, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back until life finally aligns the two paths again. Just sucks.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, KnotCDS72 said:

I left/broke up with my partner bc I found out I’m sick, the C word. I call it “chips and salsa” and never its real name. I’ll recover, but the process—oof. He and his wife and kids became so dear to me in five short months. Best of my life. I don’t want to put any of them through what’s coming. I miss him everyday, miss them too. He was a perfect dom and is a good man. He has no idea why. Likely, he thinks it’s bc his work takes him out of town. —— I’m sorry we’re all missing someone we love.

Leaving so they wouldn’t have to witness the hardest part of your journey, that’s love in its rawest, most selfless form. 🖤 I hope you don’t have to carry that weight alone. And I hope one day you are met with the understanding and gentleness you gave.

[Ma****]

But bro, I can fix her!

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, olivjuz said:

Getting present! What you're speaking about sounds like grieving the fantasy of what might have been, what you wanted it to be, what the person portrayed themselves to be and wasn't. I've been there many times. Then got a grip on what was really happening. Endorphins my friend! Man there's nothing better when they get fired up. The hot sexting! Creates the fantasy and it's delicious! But that's all it is. I've had many experiences like this, met a few in person and the vibe wasn't there. So it had me really look at what was going on within myself. Having boundaries and values is so important and not compromising them! Like write them down so you can check in with what's really happening. I think the heartbreak of any relationship ending is grieving the fantasy of what we wanted and what could have been....if only

Totally, I get that, the fantasy can hit harder than the reality ever could. But sometimes there’s a mix of both, the imagined parts and the small pieces of truth that made the whole thing feel possible. That’s where the grief gets entirely more complicated.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, poet-punk said:

These things are so difficult to accept. I have been in situations like this before. I dealt with it like a breakup or some other difficult situation: repeat the truth of the situation in my head over and over, let myself feel it fully, and strongly try to accept the situation as it is. I realised that I was constantly focusing on these fantasies and dreams, thinking "Why can't this be? If only..." but continuing to focus on the fantasies and dreams will stop you from moving on and will only continue the ***. You have to stop dreaming 😥

That’s the hard part, for some of us, dreaming isn’t just a habit, it’s a core part of how we make meaning and how we experience our existence. It’s how we connect, how we hope, how we move toward anything at all. So the grief isn’t only losing the person, it’s having to quiet the part of yourself that imagines what could be. Letting go feels less like acceptance and more like an amputation.

[Sq****]

There's a reason it is the way it is. Grieving it is understandable and normal. Clinging to it is not. Take time and focus on yourself.

[Deleted Member]

i know what that feels like too , she was amazing and we seemed so right for each other , still tho , i shouldn’t be too disappointed bc like the first time we were actually together she told me , “ have a bad habit of messing up a good thing “ . yeah , it was wild and i still love her !

[Deleted Member]

I kept going back to a "situationship" 3 times over because of exactly what you've described. I saw potential, I saw how they could love me and how happy I could be with them. In turn, how happy and loved I could make them feel. But they just couldn't see what I saw and desperately wanted of them and for them. I mourned the loss of whatever relationship we had. I cherished the quiet happiness we shared. And in time accepted that it was never meant to be. I sat in my despair, sadness, anger... whatever feelings that rolled over me. I just allowed myself to mourn that someone, something I held so dearly in my mind and heart. Then slowly, I reminded myself, and remembered that I deserve more than to be haphazardly loved. That I deserve to be loved fully, intentionally and unconditionally. Then and only then was I able to accept the love that I deserve.
--
So, yes - you feel like you've amputated a part of you. And that's ok. It'll take time for the wound to heal. Allow yourself to feel and mourn. Just don't forget that someone out there is probably looking for you. And you will never meet them if you hold onto something that's already gone.

[Up****]

I was just there and the fact that you're here right now means that you've gotten better. I think it just keeps getting better for us until we're finally able to move on. For a long time it feels impossible but step by step we get there brother

[Up****]

It's a f@cking lonely battle that we have to fight by ourselves and there's nothing easy about it

[He****]

I used to call it silent love, when you're young these things feel almost unfair, tragic almost, it makes you feel not good enough, sometimes you try to change yourself thinking it will change how they feel about you. You look in the mirror and think "if I was prettier""If I was funnier""if I looked like the magazines" maybe. But as I've grown at least, I've come to understand that real love is respecting someone's boundaries, and their feelings, even if they hurt you. They're not in charge of your heart, or your yearning. When I find myself in silent love, I tend to shy away from that person, and wish them the best now, if I was their person, Id be with them. It gives me peace when they're happy, even if it's not with me.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Kitten13nDaddy said:

I kept going back to a "situationship" 3 times over because of exactly what you've described. I saw potential, I saw how they could love me and how happy I could be with them. In turn, how happy and loved I could make them feel. But they just couldn't see what I saw and desperately wanted of them and for them. I mourned the loss of whatever relationship we had. I cherished the quiet happiness we shared. And in time accepted that it was never meant to be. I sat in my despair, sadness, anger... whatever feelings that rolled over me. I just allowed myself to mourn that someone, something I held so dearly in my mind and heart. Then slowly, I reminded myself, and remembered that I deserve more than to be haphazardly loved. That I deserve to be loved fully, intentionally and unconditionally. Then and only then was I able to accept the love that I deserve.
--
So, yes - you feel like you've amputated a part of you. And that's ok. It'll take time for the wound to heal. Allow yourself to feel and mourn. Just don't forget that someone out there is probably looking for you. And you will never meet them if you hold onto something that's already gone.

I think I hear you saying that growth requires a shift, from, I see the potential, to, I deserve more than seeing potential?

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Up4FunShit said:

I was just there and the fact that you're here right now means that you've gotten better. I think it just keeps getting better for us until we're finally able to move on. For a long time it feels impossible but step by step we get there brother

You are not wrong, it’s lonely as hell. But being here and talking about it and hearing that others have tried to be that someone for someone with different space, makes it feel like maybe this is more the process and less a penalty for trying.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Hexedhoney said:

I used to call it silent love, when you're young these things feel almost unfair, tragic almost, it makes you feel not good enough, sometimes you try to change yourself thinking it will change how they feel about you. You look in the mirror and think "if I was prettier""If I was funnier""if I looked like the magazines" maybe. But as I've grown at least, I've come to understand that real love is respecting someone's boundaries, and their feelings, even if they hurt you. They're not in charge of your heart, or your yearning. When I find myself in silent love, I tend to shy away from that person, and wish them the best now, if I was their person, Id be with them. It gives me peace when they're happy, even if it's not with me.

I like that term. Silent Love. I get that wanting others to be happy, but knowing you can't meet them isn't failure, but it definitely feels like it. I wonder if the failure feeling is displaced grief, as in I'm not allowed to grieve something I couldn't fix (left broken) 🤔when in fact it was never the 'potential' to begin with and you didn't fail to fix something that was already broken and that you didn't break. Could this also be tied to the loss of ego?

[Deleted Member]

21 hours ago, jo_josie said:

i know what that feels like too , she was amazing and we seemed so right for each other , still tho , i shouldn’t be too disappointed bc like the first time we were actually together she told me , “ have a bad habit of messing up a good thing “ . yeah , it was wild and i still love her !

I still love her, hits hard.

Loving someone who knows they self sabotage is its own kind of heartbreak.

I struggle with why can't I just pay, fix, mend, do, be, drive, cook, clean, or love you enough to make you want/choose happiness, choose us, choose me, not the pills, not the ***.

It's the horse you are drowning trying to save their life, but only they can drink.

It's so hard to understand that drowning (with love, affection, effort, energy, time, etc.) them is worse than them choosing to stay thirsty.

[pr****]

As a fellow capricorn I understand that feeling of failure, we are so determined to succeed and work diligently at it, failure is not an option. But you didn't fail, you cannot fix someone with love, that have to truly choose to fix themselves, to be so tired of the *** and misery that they don't want to live another day like that. But its their choice to make not yours, therefore not your failure. I tried to fix an alcoholic man with trust issues by being the most trustworthy possible but it didn't work. 20 yrs of being trustworthy didn't make him trust me. Being the perfect wife and giving him two kids didn't make him happy enough to get sober. But his choice was not my failure and I have no regrets for how hard I tried. This is what helps me, hope it helps you

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 04:13 AM, prairie-creek236943 said:

As a fellow capricorn I understand that feeling of failure, we are so determined to succeed and work diligently at it, failure is not an option. But you didn't fail, you cannot fix someone with love, that have to truly choose to fix themselves, to be so tired of the *** and misery that they don't want to live another day like that. But its their choice to make not yours, therefore not your failure. I tried to fix an alcoholic man with trust issues by being the most trustworthy possible but it didn't work. 20 yrs of being trustworthy didn't make him trust me. Being the perfect wife and giving him two kids didn't make him happy enough to get sober. But his choice was not my failure and I have no regrets for how hard I tried. This is what helps me, hope it helps you

There is so much truth in what you shared, I am paraphrasing, but I am hearing that loving someone isn’t the same as being able to save them, and their choices don’t become our failures just because we tried with everything we had?

This does raise another question for me. How do you continue to hold space for someone, and stay emotionally safe, when you are still tied to them, whether through *** or by choice?

[pr****]

How do you stay emotionally safe? Meaning how do you keep your heart from getting obliterated in the process? I don't know if that's possible, because of the nature of caring for someone. It is always going to be heart breaking to see someone you care for suffer whether it's their own doing or not. I think all you can do is remind yourself the reasons you can't be together and that you deserve someone who is going to make the same effort towards the relationship as you do.

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, prairie-creek236943 said:

How do you stay emotionally safe? Meaning how do you keep your heart from getting obliterated in the process? I don't know if that's possible, because of the nature of caring for someone. It is always going to be heart breaking to see someone you care for suffer whether it's their own doing or not. I think all you can do is remind yourself the reasons you can't be together and that you deserve someone who is going to make the same effort towards the relationship as you do.

I feel that deeply. I am still close to my ex, emotionally, we had an emotional moment just a couple days ago that reminded me how strong the bond is after being separated for many years in the relationship sense.

We chose friendship this time, not because the connection died, but because she’s walking through trauma and illness complications (indirectly caused the end of the relationship but we didn't know she was sick, just thought we were incompatible), and now she can't carry herself, much less a full relationship.

I already grieved not being able to walk next to her down the aisle, it's just knowing that I might have to grieve her not being able to walk or go down an aisle at all, that is what is rough. The hurt is there.

I'm hearing you say, the safety (for self) comes from maintaining boundaries, and from remembering that I still exist too. Thank you. Sounds selfish, but I understand that I can't help if I crumble.

[pr****]

Yes you need boundaries, and self care is essential for any caregiver or there will be burnout. But as someone who has been a caregiver through the end, I urge you to live without regrets. Once the time is gone, its gone. Say all the things you need to say, and try to make peace with the situation. I think its all you can do.