BDSM as Relationship Therapy

[Deleted Member]

I'm curious to see who can relate to the idea of BDSM being like a relationship therapy?

This is a little personal but im keen to share it...

I've been through a rollercoaster these past few months. I started my profile looking for likeminded people, as I have many many times before, to keep fooling myself into thinking I can keep my kinks and my vanilla life separate. To scratch an itch I can never seem to please and to endulge my fantasies with other people just like me. My two lives, I thought, were polar opposites and could never ever meet!

It was all innocent fun right?... It's only my online persona and I could be anyone. It's harmless right!?

I'm sure that after a little while of indulging myself I'd have deleted my profile after my guilt levels and lies started to get the better of me just like the last time.

This time was different though...

This time I met people here who asked me the right questions. They helped me look at my motives and dig deeper into my decisions around my division between my two worlds. Probably because i was more willing to be honest with them this time but also I was becoming less willing to lie about who I really was; a filthy, dirty kinky, sadist, dominant man with a big kind delicate heart and a lot of love to offer.

In doing so, you all helped me grow and I'm eternally grateful to you! (You all know who you are!) I realised I needed to change and that it was important to be the whole me and not just make do by living with that division any more.

In a bold and possibly 'end-all' move I'm pleased to say I finally 'came-out' to my wife. Instead of continuing on a destructive and damaging path I had to start being honest once and for all. Even if it meant getting hurt or having to atone for my very poor decisions. 

As it turns out, neither of us were wholy happy but both too scared to loose what we had. We had a lot to deal with and a lot to talk about!

She has had to endure so much from me, not only did she have to tie together her image of me with the truths about my kinks and online indiscretions but she also had to look at her own truths too. It's been tough at times and we've both learned things about one another that would never have come out otherwise.

Im pleased to say that were making some massive progress in our lives together. And although our new relationship parameters are changing daily were doing it together. Openly, honestly and without judgement or resentment. We're so much closer and have found a deeper connection I never thought was possible.

It seems finding out and embracing our kinks, in all their forms, has been a therapy like no other. We're open to learning about one another and no longer assume we know whats best or what one another feels or is thinking... were real and honest with one another and its something we're practicing every day. I"m sure I speak for both of us in saying - we feel whole again! 

I can honestly say that BDSM, a deep (sometimes ***ful) honesty and humble exploration of eachothers relationship boundaries into my dominance and her submission has helped me find a way forward and start to heal the cracks we've lived with for so so long.

So, my fellow Fetsters... My question is this: How has BDSM and being here in this community here helped you in your relationships? How has it helped you grow and nurture one another? What changes has it made in your lives for the better?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[Deleted Member]

That’s a really lovely post. So good to hear that you and your wife can both be true to yourselves within your relationship. BDSM has changed me as a person - I’m stronger because I have had to figure out my boundaries. I’m more open to people - kinky or vanilla. And it’s helped me process the emotional *** from my previous LTR.

[0L****]

Honest, direct, sensible and real. Congrats. Very rare to find honest and nice people.
I hope find someone to walk with me in this journey - therapy either!

[Wo****]

@KinkySirXxX This is one of the most heartwarming, lump in throat posts I've read for a while...

Is bdsm therapy? I think so.

When I joined here, 2/3 years ago I was lost, insecure, *** and needy. I had very little self confidence, low self esteem and felt worthless.
I was lucky enough to meet, and have a relationship with, @LazyPirate. I learnt so much from him. About relationships, about honest communication, trust.... connection. Through our impact play I excorcised a lot of my demons. It gave me release. A catharsis.

Then Fen... this man changed my life.
There was an instant connection that grows stronger, deeper, every day that I spend with him.

I am a totally different person now to the submissive that joined this site.
My experiences in kink, and the people I've met, they've built me up, I'm evolving into the woman I wanted to be.

One thing I've found, my need for hard impact play is diminishing. A true masochist or was I just punishing myself? Accepting the ***, physically, that I've caused others? Self loathing?

I've learnt so much about who I am, what I want, who I wanna be, through bdsm and being with the people I've been with.
Fen and I, for me has been, and is, spiritually, emotionally and physically enlightening.

🙏🐤

[Mz****]

My story is too personal to share on a public forum, but I can say with absolute certainty that without BDSM I would never have survived my 20s..it gave me coping mechanisms, the absolute freedom to be myself, and to be honest with myself as well as about myself and tools I was able to use to negotiate the vanilla world as well.   

All my relationships with friends, family, colleagues, even strangers are better because of BDSM and the positive impact its had on my life, my mindset, and of course my sex life.

The community here, hasn't as such helped me, although I have made some genuine and much valued friendships, I don't often feel part of things, or included, but I do try and share what I've learned where I can, perhaps that's a start.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm sure many will benefit from it.

[Bo****]

@KinkySirXxX thank you! & i just don't mean for your excellent post and awesome questions you ask of us. I have been able to question myself daily,with a lot of 'help' from many fab kinksters here,yourself definitely included,through varied interactions.

I too would like to thank many ,they know!

& now.....@Bounty, you get me! You allow me to be ! To be beyond the repressed sexuality that has gnawed at me for decades............and has actually killed me! Not joking!!!!!!

tho' i did get a bit better....... This fabulous gushing,warm,passionate, damaged woman has challenged me. Pushed my boundaries,opened my mind ,body, n soul to amazing insights,experiences,perceptions.....n taken a broken meatbag of a body ,with medication induced erectile dysfunction and impotence & given me Life,Love n a myriad of sensations that have lead to My return to male multiple orgasms!!!!!

In the words of the Rolling Stones..... " Ooh! You make a dead man Cum! "

i may have a rather limited lifespan left to my existence in these 3 dimensions.....but i have never been so contented,cherished,adored,blessed,satisfied and at peace with who i was,am!....and to her & those that truly know me ,polyamourously in kink & vanilla realms....i love you to death & beyond......

big tribeVibe ,innit? Bruvvas,Sistas n All in between!🙏🐺🐾🐾🌈💋💚

🙏🌀🌊🔥💚.......to end.....am still awaiting help for various PTSD issues,difficult in current state of health services.......i NOW consider my present  mental state  ,to be that of PTSG....post traumatic spiritual growth.......🙏 Thank you🐥

Edited January 19, 2021 by Boldbald
Omission for soppy old git !

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, MzJax said:

My story is too personal to share on a public forum, but I can say with absolute certainty that without BDSM I would never have survived my 20s..it gave me coping mechanisms, the absolute freedom to be myself, and to be honest with myself as well as about myself and tools I was able to use to negotiate the vanilla world as well.   

All my relationships with friends, family, colleagues, even strangers are better because of BDSM and the positive impact its had on my life, my mindset, and of course my sex life.

The community here, hasn't as such helped me, although I have made some genuine and much valued friendships, I don't often feel part of things, or included, but I do try and share what I've learned where I can, perhaps that's a start.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm sure many will benefit from it.

I’m sorry you don’t feel included or part of things. Why is that do you think? I’ve always found your writing is always thoughtful and considered.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

I’m sorry you don’t feel included or part of things. Why is that do you think? I’ve always found your writing is always thoughtful and considered.

Thank you, but its likely of my own making, a combination of things.. you won't know but when I discovered BDSM was a thing and that I wasn't just a freak it was much more underground than it is now, (we're talking well over 30 years ago, no internet, no forums, little accessible information), I'm a pretty open book and that's bitten me on the arse more than once, including being outed and a blackmail attempt, so community wise I'm wary of trusting and thats on me and not easily changed, here I frequently feel pressured to conform to the stereotypes..its like I'm way way too kinky to fit in with vanillas, and just not kinky enough to fit in with the kinksters, I need a blend of kink and vanilla, it feels like I don't have a place at the table so to speak, people seem to go to great lengths to undermine my point of view, for example I once received mail saying that my monogamy was offensive and kink shaming..I'm considered old fashioned and in many ways I am, but thats who I am..only last week I was told in the lobby I'm precious because I like Jax spelt with a capital J, I'm not social media savvy, I don't edit myself..I wont say what someone wants to hear I say what I think and sometimes I should probably just scroll past and not comment, its like if I disagree, no matter now politely I become a target, like the recent does age matter thread I got *** for that in chat too..yet all I said was for me it did 🤷‍♀️  anyway, little things like that add up and each becomes another brick in the wall I place between me and everyone else. 

 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, MzJax said:

Thank you, but its likely of my own making, a combination of things.. you won't know but when I discovered BDSM was a thing and that I wasn't just a freak it was much more underground than it is now, (we're talking well over 30 years ago, no internet, no forums, little accessible information), I'm a pretty open book and that's bitten me on the arse more than once, including being outed and a blackmail attempt, so community wise I'm wary of trusting and thats on me and not easily changed, here I frequently feel pressured to conform to the stereotypes..its like I'm way way too kinky to fit in with vanillas, and just not kinky enough to fit in with the kinksters, I need a blend of kink and vanilla, it feels like I don't have a place at the table so to speak, people seem to go to great lengths to undermine my point of view, for example I once received mail saying that my monogamy was offensive and kink shaming..I'm considered old fashioned and in many ways I am, but thats who I am..only last week I was told in the lobby I'm precious because I like Jax spelt with a capital J, I'm not social media savvy, I don't edit myself..I wont say what someone wants to hear I say what I think and sometimes I should probably just scroll past and not comment, its like if I disagree, no matter now politely I become a target, like the recent does age matter thread I got *** for that in chat too..yet all I said was for me it did 🤷‍♀️  anyway, little things like that add up and each becomes another brick in the wall I place between me and everyone else. 

 

I’m sorry to hear you’ve received *** for your views. Not to mention outed 🙁. I think one has to have a thick skin sometimes on this site and others but you should stand up for your point of view. There will always be someone who disagrees with you. There will always be people who think they have a right to tell you who you are. Sod them.

[Mz****]

3 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I’m sorry to hear you’ve received *** for your views. Not to mention outed 🙁. I think one has to have a thick skin sometimes on this site and others but you should stand up for your point of view. There will always be someone who disagrees with you. There will always be people who think they have a right to tell you who you are. Sod them.

My skin is thick enough, and I'm confident enough in who and what I am that 99% washes over me, but that doesn't detract from the hypocrisy of those who attempt to belittle, ***, or dismiss..I am me, take it or leave it, I'll continue to be exactly who I am..I'll continue to block or ignore trolls, and more importantly I'll continue to build my friendships, contacts, knowledge base and experience to share with those who can benefit from it..including myself.

[DevilsDoLL]

CurvyKate I want to say I completely understand and am empathetic! I’m one of those that fall between the crack and often is called an ass or put out as well... so just know there are others among you

[Deleted Member]

@KinkySirXxX what a lovely story to read.

its so great that you found the strength to be open and honest about who you are to your wife, I would ask the question as to was it just the communication that lead to this revelation or the bdsm ? Or was it a mixture of both ?

I personally find relationships within BDSM are deeper and closer as they are based on good communication, honesty and trust. 

Whatever the reason for this fantastic connection, it’s so lovely to read