Help out a newbie, please

[Qu****]

Hello, all you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals!

I'm looking for some help. I'm very new to being in an open relationship, and as I learn more about some unexplored parts of myself, I'm finding that I'm am a bit submissive. I don't think I'm hardcore submissive or that I want a full-on dom, but I am interested in exploring the aspect of myself that wants someone to both take charge over me and take care of me. Is there anywhere I can go to learn more about this side of myself and what level of sub I'm comfortable with?

Also, I know about day collars and the like - is there anything similar that kind of advertises that someone is looking for a dom?

Thanks in advance!

[pi****]

hey Qundus! been there (am there still, I guess 😅) and what I can tell you is that reading and talking to other people about fetishes and practices might spark an interest here and there on what you might be into. it's also important to know what you don't want to try/aren't interested in exploring, that way you can communicate your boundaries clearly to your partners. in my personal experience, the practices you enjoy could be directly linked to your dom's preferences, but again, you should know your boundaries and en*** them.
about collars, I thought you only wore them once you were "claimed"? unless it's a fashion choice and I've seen plenty of those around more emo/gothic/rock groups.

[ge****]

I'd suggest taking a step back to take a step forward - do some introspection and try to understand what is driving those feelings - seek out on-line resources that may guide you - I'd recommend looking for a BDSM Checklist and completing it for yourself - they usually have hundreds of different activities listed that you rank 1-5 in terms of interest, and are quite a good way of discovering what interests you and the type of submissive you may be.
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Is also worth looking for local Munches in your area, which are socials for like minded people, and a good way to connect and interact with others.
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The key though is understanding yourself and your motivations.

[ey****]

so, working backwards. ignore collars for now - unless you are at an event/venue with a collar protocol 

there's not really "different levels" to being a sub. 

The thing is, I guess, if you've decided you are submissive and wish to explore that - what helped you decide, what do you want to explore?  Because having a loose idea there can be a good step on how to proceed.  Consider also - unless you're willing to seek out and pay a pro, there aren't really Domme's sitting around waiting to help a stranger experiment.

Getting involved in a local community and meeting people can be a good way of making friends and sometimes that can lead to play and experiences.  

Another thing to figure out also is if you're in an open relationship how does this influence a relationship with a prospective Domme?  How does existing relationships limit how you serve someone else? Or is it only about play/exploration - and if so, how do you bring value to the other person if you want them to be an additional relationship? 

[Daddybrains]

There’s advertising “I’m a sub” and there’s advertising “I’m looking for a Dom.” And there’s also advertising, “I’m a bottom.” Search your feelings and disposition first to have clarity on what you want - you’ll advertise better!

The OG way to do this was “hanky code” a kerchief in a back pocket, left vs right for role, and colors for activity.

Your behavior in unguarded moments can also ping a Dom’s self-proclaimed sub detector. For example, a “little” will sometimes get a dreamy look, even in mundane public, when you tell them their dress is pretty or if they are sketching / coloring to pass the time. A service-oriented sub might offer to pour your coffee, or serve your food, or find something for you (up to and including a job!), even though the mundane power dynamics of society wouldn’t require them to do it.

All of these things have plausible deniability for people who aren’t “out.”

[Lo****]

I totally agree with the other suggestions. I’d also add to always be true to yourself.

[Deleted Member]

To echo the statements above I view it in 3 parts: Rules, guid rails, traffic cones. RULES are universal for both parties. Mine are 1. You don't mess with my work place. 2. You don't mess with my family. Everything we enjoy Falls under rule 3. RULE 3. Has guard rails safe word that MUST always be oboed you safety as a sub. Is priority to any good Dom. I also a enjoy a temperature word. Things can feel good but just need the intensity turned down at that moment. If you know a kink is not your thing make it know, someone will enjoy you as you. Traffic cones are kinks that you approach with caution. Not sure but willing to try. Trust, honest, feeling safe when a Dom and Sub join time stops and it feels amazing.

[Cl****]

For me personally story driven roleplay really gave me insight into the roles that felt easy and natural to me as well as what types of submission felt satisfying. Naturally I’m a brat but with the right environment and person I can be a very service driven sub

[Qu****]

Thanks, everyone! Guess it's time to find my local community.

[ea****]

We are quite new too and our rules have been evolving. I believe open dialogue is so helpful and key to success

[Ga****]

Tuesday at 06:24 PM, invisibleblackcat said:

To echo the statements above I view it in 3 parts: Rules, guid rails, traffic cones. RULES are universal for both parties. Mine are 1. You don't mess with my work place. 2. You don't mess with my family. Everything we enjoy Falls under rule 3. RULE 3. Has guard rails safe word that MUST always be oboed you safety as a sub. Is priority to any good Dom. I also a enjoy a temperature word. Things can feel good but just need the intensity turned down at that moment. If you know a kink is not your thing make it know, someone will enjoy you as you. Traffic cones are kinks that you approach with caution. Not sure but willing to try. Trust, honest, feeling safe when a Dom and Sub join time stops and it feels amazing.

I quite like the traffic signal safewords. Green for go/keep going, orange or yellow for pause/slow down/hold on and red for full stop

[Ba****]

Well most of the important things have already been mentioned but i’m just gonna add some things
Things you need to learn about yourself; first up it’s all about borders/limits, find out what you want to try, what you may be interested in, what you might be convinced to try and what you most definitely don’t want anything to do with and consider that some of them may change based on your mood and all of them may change depending on your partner
second what do you mean when you say “take charge over and take care of you”?? do you want to sit back, relax and have someone play with you, do you want to be told what to do or do you want to be expected to things for someone who can sit back and relax, do you want to actually submit or do you want to be made to submit, do you want to be a “good boy”, a brat or something in between??
Lastly if you don’t need to start experimenting with the most experienced of people then you may want to have long and honest conversation with the person you already have a likely trusting relationship with to see if there is something on your list they might be willing to try themself
Ps having a colorful handkerchief hanging form your back pocket can be read as a sign of gang affiliation in some places so be careful
And safe words while useful aren’t always necessary, if everyone involved agrees that words like “no, don’t, pause, wait and stop” maintain their literal meaning then you don’t need to bother with extra safe words, they are more for roleplay i assume you would still consider “hardcore” at this point
Just be aware that you need to be careful when playing with someone who would outright refuse to use or recognize them until you are either absolutely sure none of your hard limits are among their interests or you can confidently say that you have no real hard limits