Newbie’s question

[Deleted Member]

Hello, I’m new to the community and still figuring things out. My question is how important is it to have friends or mentors in the community? Should I wait to find a dom till I make more platonic connections in the community? I’m not a very social person and I don’t want my own introvert tendencies to put me in a *** situation.

[Deleted Member]

I think having some friends is a good idea, benefits or not, just so you have access to people to talk to who are in the know but with no pressure. Ideally a dom would also be able to help out but there are definitely times where other friends can fill a gap that a dom may not be able to. Whether or not to wait til you find a dom is a much more subjective question, really dependent on you.

[mi****]

I think it just depends on what you want. I personally explored first with friends and quite honestly hookups. I needed to find what I liked first. Then when I was ready I found a dom whom aligned with what I like ☺️. But I also understand the want to start with one person to explore with them.

[Br****]

Go with what feels right and feel free to explore the community with confidence however it is useful to find out what type of sub/dom you are and to find a mentor for that; you should feel free to explore more platonic relationships with fellow kinksters when possible as well

[Si****]

I understand how you feel a being new to the community I think you should until you find the right Dom for you but also follow your gut

[Ti****]

Good question!! I would say that it's very important. I'm not sure you need to put off your search for a Dom, just be open to connecting with others whilst you do so. Best of luck!

[Si****]

I mean, it's not bad to have friends within the community. They can help guide you, and if you have questions about a Dom that you may think is showing red flags, those friends would be able to help you steer clear of the wrong type Doms. Having a mentor you can learn and grow with in a platonic way, you can focus on your growth and learn what you like. With that being said, finding a Dom you can grow with he should be inspiring your growth anyway and helping and teaching you as well.
All this is just my opinion so take what you want from it and do what feels right to you.

[Deleted Member]

I’m pretty new myself and have gotten myself into some bad situations. I’m also introverted and very trusting and have definitely run into those who enjoy taking advantage of submissive women. I luckily have come across a few good friends who have helped cal my sub frenzy and look out for predatory men…if you can find some friends to trust I say do it. Finding a mentor is proving difficult but I can’t say it’s impossible. Crazy think is that even though they were complete buttfaces those “Doms” did help me learn a few things about myself and what type of sub I am🤷🏽‍♀️. Trail and error works sometimes lol

[wo****]

I would say it’s incredibly important to especially have a support group that you can trust that is able to help you guide you and provide you with information

[Co****]

More friends means better vetting. Better vetting means a safer you. It's not necessary bit I'd recommend it.

[Ne****]

You don't need to have friends that are in the community, although it certainly helps! Attending your first kink event can be pretty intimidating, so having a buddy with you can help make things less stressful. However, your regular friends, even if they're not kinky themselves, can fill that role just as well. Most kink events are pretty welcoming, so bringing your vanilla friends as backup isn't a problem.

With that said. I'd recommend going to a munch or a class first! Those tend to be much more chill. Just remember that the kink community isn't going anywhere, so feel free to take your time getting used to things.

[Fr****]

What a great question.. A+ sub lol

Mentors are pretty important. Easy to find someone who’d take advantage of the dynamic on here or anywhere else.

There surprisingly are quite a few Dominant mentors I’ve found to give me advice.. but like lol it’s hard! Always be safe over horny! You’ll regret it less later.

[Deleted Member]

Having friends is important because we all need that support, especially as we go through things that are new. And because king is not only sexual though having others in your circle can make the process a lot less scary and more fun. The kink community is just a microcosm of the real world. Sometimes finding the right connections can be trial-and-error.

[Ce****]

A lot of the advice above are brilliant.

I can at least share my perspective as a new Domme.

When I came on the scene I decided to make friends first. These friends were the ones that helped me understand the scene and other important things.

I was then lucky to be approached by a very experienced sub who agreed to bottom for me for practise purposes. I refused him at first but sought advice from my kink friends who encouraged me to accept as with his experience and willingness it will help my journey and they were right. He was my mentor so to say and I was able to build my confidence. We parted ways as friends cos of his personal issues but we remain friends.
I'm not sure how your local scene operates, but it's always advised to have a fellow sub mentor you or a fellow Dom(me) as the case may be.. However, you could also find a safe Dom(me), well vetted to guide you. I have read that with such mentorship relationship, there should be NO sex🤭 (this I heeded and there was no sex with my bottom in any sense, asides from him kissing/pecking my hands or cheeks when I feel he has pleased me as a reward).
You can also read books too in the interim as you decide.

I wish you all the best in your kink journey.

[Deleted Member]

I want to first say welcome to the community. I know that first step can be as scary as it can be exhilarating. Remember, consent is King over everything and to enjoy yourself.

You need to have a mentor. No one comes in to this lifestyle and knows everything. I've been at this over 20 years and still learn things all the time.

You need to find someone you can confide in and ask questions to who you know has your best interests at heart. It's hard, but you will find that person.

Always remember that BDSM is as much trust as lust. Take your time and learn as much as you can about yourself before you make any decisions on what type of dynamic is a good fit. You may even realize it isn't for you. And either way it is ok.

I would suggest reading as much as you can about what peaks your interest. Knowledge will help keep you safe in the community when ignorance reigns supreme.


Again, welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay! 🙂

[DarkArts1066]

On the whole, I would say that networking and integrating into the ‘Kink Community’, and forming friendships within it is a positive thing.
You’ll gain valuable advice, make connections with people -who may be able to recommend others who share similar interests for you to chat with. And who will help to keep you safe.

I have been around the Kink Community for over thirty years, and have made some lifelong friends - who I trust implicitly, within it.
You mention that you are not a very sociable person.
It can be hellishly difficult to find experiences and people who match your needs without socialising - even if it is purely online.

Many of the people on here will help you.
They will offer advice, suggestions, and possibly best of all, a way to ‘vet’ prospective play partners.
Everybody in the kink community knows somebody. As a result we can usually recommend people to chat with - or perhaps, suggest that you stay away from others.

Every Community has its good and bad points, and it’s good -and bad people, and the Kink Community is no exception.

If you come to me, and ask me if I know a “John Smith”, I may say yes. You can then ask me what my opinion of him is,
If I don’t know him, with the experience I have gained, I can suggest ways in which you can ‘evaluate’ him -as a play partner, mentor, Dominant….. and thus form a rational opinion of him for yourself.

You will find safety is a huge topic on here.
I can’t speak for others, but I personally have helped to steer people away from potentially awkward, difficult -or dangerous situations in Fithe past.

In recent times, we have seen an influx of non-kinksters onto sites like this.
People who treat them as an early form of “Tinder” … for sexual hookups, in the mistaken belief that because we like the edgier side of sexual activity, we must be an ‘easy lay’ - or ‘gagging for it’.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

We stick together, protect each other, and help to nurture those who are new to kink, and want to develop, grow and understand this incredible world, and the incredible people within it.

Read the forums, read posts, trawl through profiles, and ask questions.
There is no such thing as a stupid one.

And network.
You will make friends for life, even if you don’t think you need them.

Finally,
I am always here for you to chat with if you have questions.

I wish you luck on your journey, and welcome you to the wonderful world that is kink.
DarkArts.

[kimutu72]

welcome to fet, your in the right place for help. Ive been on here for around 3year and found that as long as you are honest with yourself on what you are looking for thats half the work done, but saying that people wnt just fall into your lap, a good profile with as much detail as possible will attract people, look threw the app and look threw profiles and message people you feel may be looking for the same thing as you. Dnt rush into meeting the first person who gives you attention, as questions. get a feel for the person, explain about your tendancies and be open with them. hope that helps and good luck

[ar****]

2 hours ago, Ceeka said:

A lot of the advice above are brilliant.

I can at least share my perspective as a new Domme.

When I came on the scene I decided to make friends first. These friends were the ones that helped me understand the scene and other important things.

I was then lucky to be approached by a very experienced sub who agreed to bottom for me for practise purposes. I refused him at first but sought advice from my kink friends who encouraged me to accept as with his experience and willingness it will help my journey and they were right. He was my mentor so to say and I was able to build my confidence. We parted ways as friends cos of his personal issues but we remain friends.
I'm not sure how your local scene operates, but it's always advised to have a fellow sub mentor you or a fellow Dom(me) as the case may be.. However, you could also find a safe Dom(me), well vetted to guide you. I have read that with such mentorship relationship, there should be NO sex🤭 (this I heeded and there was no sex with my bottom in any sense, asides from him kissing/pecking my hands or cheeks when I feel he has pleased me as a reward).
You can also read books too in the interim as you decide.

I wish you all the best in your kink journey.

Your experience with the "training" sub sounds so wholesome! A guy whose only aim was to teach/support you to get comfortable in the role.
.
The sceptic talking in me can't help but wonder what was in it for him. But I like to believe he had no ulterior notices. So if he genuinely just wanted to train, he sounds like a great guy. And then I wonder if you were sorry that you parted ways in the end?

[ar****]

*motives

[Co****]

Everyone’s “journey” is different. Some people find their way on their own some people find it useful to build “friendships” and source mentor guidance.
Either way meeting and making friends in the kink world is no different to that of the vanilla world.
The biggest vunrability meeting and making friends online vs IRLis people can pretend to be anyone they like online. As a newbie you will be approached by many an experienced dom looking to “help”. Just always be aware that there are scammers who want to exploit.

The important things are communication, consent. trust and patience.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions and keep asking questions. If something doesn't sound or feel right trust your instincts. Don’t be afraid to say no!
If someone lacks patience with your learning and wants to rush you into things-see it as a red flag.

If you are not the most social person this shouldn’t be a barrier to your own personal learning finding out what kind of sub you are or want to be.
Online is a wealth of information Learn and keep learning through valid sources. As a newbie find out what it is YOU want to gain from a dynamic with a dom before you go about trying to find one. What are your expectations, boundaries etc.

IRL local events are not always accessible or appealing to everyone especially introverts.
As you have done; join a variety of online communities, contribute to forums you will soon find your comfort zone and possibly people you can trust to take the step into irl social events.

I would finish with: be cautious of sharing personal info/photos until you have built that trust.
No matter how long you've been chatting, and feel you’ve connect with “friends” always remember that they're still strangers; you don't really know them at all - till you do.

In the end exploration is fun, kink is fun, so enjoy the journey.

[ey****]

it's not essential to have friends; but it helps.  It's folk you can talk to when you're unsure of things, want another opinion, or if things go wrong

mentors are maybe less essential these days but remember that a mentor shouldn't be someone you are in a relationship with or play with (conflict of interest)

 

[se****]

It's a to each their own kinda thing. Friends or mentors can be helpful sure, but my wife and I have fitness the best way to learn and grow is by discovering things for yourself. Find out what your kinks are and just explore them with people.

[se****]

Found, not fitness

[d_guglieme]

It definitely helps. Even short correspondence can be invaluable.

No slight to the couples (such as the commenter above), but they have each other. And, while that is good for them, not everybody can duplicate that model (as much as we may want to).

[Mr****]

Mentors and Friends are great help!