What is it with you girls and messed up in the head men/doms?

[Deleted Member]

What is it with all the PTSD stories? It makes me sad to hear so much “bad taste left in your mouths” from Dom guys you ladies fall for and at first it’s perfect then gradually the insecure selfish mental monster starts to come out of the guy. He obviously has problems. Yet I constantly see you women fall for them. Yet there’s all these others guys, no problems at all, who would be good to you even as doms but you still don’t “have time” “or feel that way for” it’s like you guys (even if you deny it) admit it’s true, you guys want the messed up in the head guys even when you say you don’t y’all ALWAYS end up with them then get hurt and complain about it here when you keep falling for them. Going back to them. I literally wouldn’t cause my subs mental trauma or harm that’s permanent. But these guys you go for are so fucked up in the head they’re not even happy by themselves. Don’t listen to your needs *** you and leave you a wreck, for years, ruining nearly every future relationship you later come across, trust issues, triggers, *** of exploring new kinks, cause the guy was always toxic you just didn’t see it at first and you wonder why. Really they’re weak men. Insecure inside and unhealthy. Not strong enough to put themselves aside and worry about your needs even if it involves being selfish in a sense and just to please him they still can’t do that. I swear, you guys don’t realize it but you attract exactly what you get. Toxic weak men that are really little boys inside. Rant done.

[Wo****]

"Really they’re weak men. Insecure inside and unhealthy. Not strong enough to put themselves aside and worry about your needs even if it involves being selfish in a sense and just to please him they still can’t do that. "

11 hours ago, DaddioDom said:

Toxic weak men that are really little boys inside. Rant done.

Not always.

PTSD is an illness, a disability... they're broken souls. Not weak. You have no idea what they've been through, had to endure.

 

They need empathy..... and help. From the right people. Sometimes.

 

I think this type of man/dom appeals to the caregiver side of us maybe? Wanting to heal someone, often even when it becomes vampiric....

 

Or the challenge...

 

Lots to ponder. 

Educate people on healthy relationships, support those that don't have that...

🙏

Edited February 3, 2021 by Bounty
Added to

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, Bounty said:

"Really they’re weak men. Insecure inside and unhealthy. Not strong enough to put themselves aside and worry about your needs even if it involves being selfish in a sense and just to please him they still can’t do that. "

Not always.

PTSD is an illness, a disability... they're broken souls. Not weak. You have no idea what they've been through, had to endure.

 

They need empathy..... and help. From the right people. Sometimes. 🙏

I meant the women left with PTSD because of the men who are selfish and abusive. Who leave the subs traumatized... I sympathize with ptsd victims. I don’t sympathize with doms who are liars and violate women’s hard limits. Who are just insecure, and hide behind the guise of the “Dom” supposed to being extreme or selfish when in reality a Dom has to respect hard limits and actually consider their subs needs and safety.

[Deleted Member]

The PTSD stories are of these women. Falling for abusive, uncaring, doms who violate the terms they set and even violating their consent. That’s was the point of my post. I should’ve worded it better.

[Wo****]

1 minute ago, DaddioDom said:

The PTSD stories are of these women. Falling for abusive, uncaring, doms who violate the terms they set and even violating their consent. That’s was the point of my post. I should’ve worded it better.

Got ya!

Great post 👍

[Babygirl1420]

My dom and I were actually talking about this last night, there is a very thin line between dick and dom. Unfortunately I think the view of dom is misunderstood. This is where the ptsd comes into play, if the dom isn’t a proper dom, then yes, the sub is in a bad position.

[Sir-Taz]

Ptsd is a serious mental illness not to be taken lightly, comparing idiots and selfish people or using ptsd as an excuse is not ok

[Deleted Member]

There is a lot of discussion concerning *** and yes it’s ***y complicated with strained emotions and instability with both sexes . Trying to find the right Dom that doesn’t over step the boundaries seems to be a problem for a lot of women. I’m submissive with women and I’ve only once experienced being beaten up to a pulp with an inexperienced Domme. It’s a massive responsibility and one that needs a great deal of thought especially with keeping a peaceful harmony in the relationship.Men who really want to hurt their subs to the extreme point of damaging them psychologically should never be allowed, no matter what damage he has experienced. On a positive note there are some great Male Dom’s and plenty of them on here to give advice and help .

[Deleted Member]

This reads like victim blaming. It doesn’t seem empathetic, it doesn’t seem understanding of the issues involved on either side. “You attract exactly what you get”. 🤨

[Ms****]

I’m going to keep an eye on this post before I reply in full....

[Deleted Member]

See my comment above. The victims are these girls who get ***d by “doms” who don’t care. And violate their consent, hard limits and sometimes need for aftercare. It’s not empathic to justify these men abusing and traumatizing these women by they themselves having problems. If they did they could seek help, but often it’s not them traumatized it’s these subs that go for these specific types of Narcissistic, toxic men. Which is not exactly a mental disorder but more so horrible personality and lack of caring for their subs. I think this is all being taken out of context. And “you attract what you get” is valid when after this happens you go back to the same guy.... or go with another one who’s the same. I’m not blaming the victims, these women, exactly. I’m blaming the doms for being selfish and abusive but now that you bring it up yes they seem to keep going back to and for these same types of toxic guys in that case it’s not longer victimism. Even though I view these subs more the “victim” and these toxic men the culprits. Hope that puts it into perspective more. Probably should’ve worded it better. Can’t even edit a post on here to reword but it is what it is.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Babygirl1420 said:

My dom and I were actually talking about this last night, there is a very thin line between dick and dom. Unfortunately I think the view of dom is misunderstood. This is where the ptsd comes into play, if the dom isn’t a proper dom, then yes, the sub is in a bad position.

Exactly Babygirl1420! That’s why vetting these Doms well are so important cause if not these poor subs are left traumatized and ruins further experiences and exploration of bdsm and relationships.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, TAROTT said:

There is a lot of discussion concerning *** and yes it’s ***y complicated with strained emotions and instability with both sexes . Trying to find the right Dom that doesn’t over step the boundaries seems to be a problem for a lot of women. I’m submissive with women and I’ve only once experienced being beaten up to a pulp with an inexperienced Domme. It’s a massive responsibility and one that needs a great deal of thought especially with keeping a peaceful harmony in the relationship.Men who really want to hurt their subs to the extreme point of damaging them psychologically should never be allowed, no matter what damage he has experienced. On a positive note there are some great Male Dom’s and plenty of them on here to give advice and help .

Exactly TAROTT! Perfectly said better than I could 🙏

[Deleted Member]

Yes your post is a bit hard to understand. Anyway there is no need to be so angry.
Not sure PTSD is the right word, it’s an extreme condition and I rarely heard it on a fetish site.
But the situation when a sun fall for the wrong person is often heard in different forum and it’s unfortunate but I am sure if they made once the mistake they won’t make it twice.

[Carnelian2]

I have read the post and some of the responses, and will go back to my first thoughts.
First of all, it is never the victim's fault. There can be many reasons why people go into relationships that are not healthy. For example, if someone spends a lot of time in an abusive (any kind of ***) relationship, the person starts to believe that this is normal, what it should be. There can even be situations where the person recognises the situation but cannot leave for *** or economic reasons.
This is why communication is paramount. A D/s relationship has an element of trust that you do not see elsewhere. If I, as a rigger, tie up a woman, then for the time she is tied up, her entire being is entrusted to me and that is a huge responsibility.
The same goes with any other relationship where a submissive will entrust him or herself to the care of another person. That is also why the communication is so very important.

We have to approach these things as equal. Yes, there is a Dom and a sub, but that is agreed and consensual up-front and both parties have to know exactly what they sign up for, as well as have the opportunity to call a halt, stop, discuss, clarify or even end it.

[Mo****]

Because abusive people do not start out abusive....they are happy, caring, attentive "the good guy/girl" The *** doesn't start until you are well and truly under their spell. I've never met a woman or man  that chose an abusive partner, but I've met many people who have had abusive/coercive/toxic relationships. 

[Deleted Member]

I don't understand any of your words

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Yes your post is a bit hard to understand. Anyway there is no need to be so angry.
Not sure PTSD is the right word, it’s an extreme condition and I rarely heard it on a fetish site.
But the situation when a sun fall for the wrong person is often heard in different forum and it’s unfortunate but I am sure if they made once the mistake they won’t make it twice.

PTSD can happen to people in toxic relationships. Unfortunately. I didn’t see the need for anger either as the post is directed towards victims of toxic relationships. And the trauma and the *** that sometimes leads people to repeat the situation. As Morganna points out. The effects of *** can last years after a relationship ends and affect your perspective and decisions.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, DaddioDom said:

See my comment above. The victims are these girls who get ***d by “doms” who don’t care. And violate their consent, hard limits and sometimes need for aftercare. It’s not empathic to justify these men abusing and traumatizing these women by they themselves having problems. If they did they could seek help, but often it’s not them traumatized it’s these subs that go for these specific types of Narcissistic, toxic men. Which is not exactly a mental disorder but more so horrible personality and lack of caring for their subs. I think this is all being taken out of context. And “you attract what you get” is valid when after this happens you go back to the same guy.... or go with another one who’s the same. I’m not blaming the victims, these women, exactly. I’m blaming the doms for being selfish and abusive but now that you bring it up yes they seem to keep going back to and for these same types of toxic guys in that case it’s not longer victimism. Even though I view these subs more the “victim” and these toxic men the culprits. Hope that puts it into perspective more. Probably should’ve worded it better. Can’t even edit a post on here to reword but it is what it is.

I was referring to empathy and understanding towards the victims. You are venturing into an area which you seem to know little about - victims of abusive relationships don’t need or want your rant. They need to not be blamed. To start, you seemed angry at women who don’t choose better Doms saying they want the messed up guys. You’re not blaming the women “exactly” and if they repeat it ie get ***d again - they’re no longer victims?! Can you see how harmful this is? Read what Carnelian and Morganna have written. Stop minimising ***.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

I was referring to empathy and understanding towards the victims. You are venturing into an area which you seem to know little about - victims of abusive relationships don’t need or want your rant. They need to not be blamed. To start, you seemed angry at women who don’t choose better Doms saying they want the messed up guys. You’re not blaming the women “exactly” and if they repeat it ie get ***d again - they’re no longer victims?! Can you see how harmful this is? Read what Carnelian and Morganna have written. Stop minimising ***.

You’re taking it all out of context. I’ve studied a little about psychology and have in college. I made another post on here against “trauma shaming” but you’re also ignoring the fact some of these people even go BACK to these abusive guys. And/or select the same types more than once. And EVEN THEN this post is not about that. It’s about the trauma stories is all I’m starting to see. It’s happening too much and it saddens me. Focus on the main point of what this point is actually about instead of making judgements,assumptions, pointing fingers, topic veering and not realizing these horror stories are happening a little too much more than often. I’d like to see more people have more enjoyable bdsm experiences, not regrettable memories that leave them ruined.

[Deleted Member]

34 minutes ago, DaddioDom said:

You’re taking it all out of context. I’ve studied a little about psychology and have in college. I made another post on here against “trauma shaming” but you’re also ignoring the fact some of these people even go BACK to these abusive guys. And/or select the same types more than once. And EVEN THEN this post is not about that. It’s about the trauma stories is all I’m starting to see. It’s happening too much and it saddens me. Focus on the main point of what this point is actually about instead of making judgements,assumptions, pointing fingers, topic veering and not realizing these horror stories are happening a little too much more than often. I’d like to see more people have more enjoyable bdsm experiences, not regrettable memories that leave them ruined.

It’s wrong to be pushing the ideas you’re pushing. You have just done it again criticising women who go back to their ***r. You don’t have a clue. Stop.

[Eastbourneguy]

Playing devil's advocate here. I think what the OP is suggesting is something akin to Stockholm Syndrome, where blame can't be put on the ***d but also explains potential self harming behaviour.

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

It’s wrong to be pushing the ideas you’re pushing. You have just done it again criticising women who go back to their ***r. You don’t have a clue. Stop.

You just said it yourself.... “women who go BACK to their ***r....” rather people in general not just women.
The old saying is true “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. “
I won’t stop speaking up for the truth or voicing my opinion just because you/one person doesn’t like it. But what really should stop blame shifting. Or hiding under the guise of “blaming/shaming”
If you are traumatized yes that is someone’s fault. We have to start taking accountability for our own actions which bring our results and not hide behind that blame shame nonsense.
If it’s a new sub and that person gets ***d and the relationship ends up not being what they thought at the beginning. That’s probably the Doms fault. But if you keep going back to the same toxic abusive person, or keep going after toxic people, then yes it is partly your fault. And that’s the first step to cutting out negativity from your life before you move forward.
I’m sorry if you are triggered, or if you just don’t like the way things sound sorry but that’s sounds like a you problem. The fact of the matter still remains, I see too much trauma happening, breaking of consent, so much somebody has to speak out on it.

[Deleted Member]

One thing not being addressed here, and more focus on sympathy for victims which I have, is disregard for consent....
If you agree to things from the start then your Dom starts to do the opposite and ignores your concerns and disregards your consent then that is a serious issue. Having to do with something else is that type of careless person to lie in the beginning and later complete disregard your needs later on and your consent. This needs to be addressed. I’ve been seeing it a little more then I should. On here as well. That is what’s not right. And has to do with selecting your Dom from the beginning, as I believe a truly truthful person won’t be completely throwing out everything pre-negotiated out the window later in the relationship. This “type” of dishonest person I think will show red flags in the beginning. I think it’s important to vet your partners well, learn how to, and read up on resources that’ll educate you on it.

PTSD, MPS etc. are all conditions that are caused by extreme trauma and leave the person unable to live in peace and enjoy fulfilling relationships later on in life. For years. And sometimes a simple word or thing can be a trigger and sets off mental episodes. I’m well aware of what it is and want to help people prevent it from further harming themselves and others. Part of that is also taking action in yourself to overcome and seek help, but before you can do that you have to admit there’s something wrong.

[Mz****]

This reads as if you don't care about these women you've declared damaged, (whether they are or not isn't your call by the way..you don't get to arbitrarily make such sweeping generalisations and declare anyone who disagrees delusional), what You care about is that they're not coming to you because of it, that the men they've been hurt by have made them unfit for you in some way..that you deserve better consideration from women who should be grateful for what you're offering..rants are all well and good, but they do often reveal more than you might care to show..just saying.