Trouble discussing kink w/ my partner

[ta****]

I’m not new to bdsm per se… but i am in a new exclusive relationship (which is a first).
~> I will not accept dms hitting on me, i keep it strictly platonic, i respect my partner & our relationship

Since my partner and i are long distance we talk on the phone a lot. The other night on a call, i nervously asked how he felt about the terms Mommy & Daddy being used in the bedroom. Because of the way our last night together went that set him off laughing. Logically i know that he probably felt awkward and silly about the question and that he couldn’t see how apprehensive i was. When he kept laughing i dont know what happened in my head, but before i knew it i was crying. When he realized, he stopped being silly and made sure i was comfortable. I realized i couldn’t talk about my kinks with him without crying or without actively being engaged in foreplay/sex.

Has anyone else experienced this or something similar? I haven’t had any trouble talking about it to fuck buddies and hookups. I keep thinking it’s potentially related to religious trauma / purity culture, or maybe just because of the emotional intimacy of it.
I’m just feeling a little ***….

[ki****]

I have the same issue

[Tw****]

From personal experience just be open and honest especially with the people you care about because it either will come out without you wanting it to come out and you catch them off guard or you will grow to resent them for you not being able to be honest and open. So if they can’t accept you for you are then they don’t love you the way you deserve

[No****]

Some conversations need to be face to face

[an****]

Thats tough I’m sorry. My girl just started using those terms and I loved it cuz I loved her. She turned me on whether she was my little girl or my mommy or my kitten or whatever she just turned me on so I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.

[Yi****]

I have a twisted theory that long term couples share the same kinks, or one act in particular, that both really get off on. Down a level is trying new experiences just for the heck of it. some intense roleplay can provide many answers . I think in the heat of the moment is the best time to discuss these things.

[Yi****]

You get them all horned up and they will eat your ass and call you mommy.

[Yi****]

17 minutes ago, YinKissesYang said:

You get them all horned up and they will eat your ass and call you mommy.

I see you said that, during foreplay/sex you (two) can talk about kinks.

[Ja****]

I have had experience similar to this, both with long distance relationships, and approaching the topic itself. I would break this down to two conversations you should have at seperate times.

Obviously, as you have already tried, you want to talk about kink, but first I would have a conversation about the importance of a good physical/intimate relationship to you, and how much you would value a focused conversation to share your fantasies and desires. This conversation lets you set the tone and your expectations for the following up.

As for the conversation about your kinks, it sounds like you have had experience talking about them with other partners, so hopefully once you have had the conversation above you will feel as comfortable talking about this with your current partner.

Both conversations would be best had outside of sex/foreplay... I can see a few people have said you should do it face to face too, but IMO you could do this over the phone as long as its an appropriate time and you're both comfortable.

The bits below are just random thoughts and ideas from my own experience that might help you, but might not. The key bits are above... good luck!


1. I would probably say something to the effect of "when I started to talk to you about kinks and you laughed and joked about it, it made me feel embarrassed (or how it made you feel), and then I didn't want to talk about it any more... for us to have a strong/long-lasting and intimate relationship, its important to me we are able to talk about our fantasies and desires without judgement" wait and see what it he says - as you already hilighted, he was probably felt awkward and a bit silly, but you could always follow up and ask him how he felt when you asked the question

2. If youre doing this on a call, write down the key points you want to discuss and keep them close by.

3. Doing this over the phone might actually be easier, because you can actually talk about it without slipping into sex.

4. Explain that having a good sex life is important to you, and that if the both of you feel comfortable talking about your fantasies and desires then you could have something incredible.

5. Remind yourself you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are trying to communicate your needs and desires which is positive, your relationship will be better off whether it works how you want or not.

[lo****]

I wonder if it's actually about your shame? This is purely based on vibes from your post, but his inability to make you feel comfortable while talking about it, feels like a yellow flag that needs to be addressed.

Sure he might feel awkward, but laughing that hard at you just mentioning something like this, seems immature. A chuckle or quick laugh is fine, but you're saying he kept laughing.

You also say that you've had no trouble talking to others about it, so I really don't think the issue rests with you, I think it's him. He's making you feel uncomfortable.

Something to think about.

You definitely should bring it up again and tell him that you should be able to talk about your kinks and his without it being "funny". Without judgement, but with love and care.

[Tritchison78]

I'm say way I can talk about things I like or are interested in trying to fuck buddy's but when it comes to a Monogamous relationship it's hard for me cause they may not be into that stuff and prefer a more vanilla relationship and if I did open up to them could it end our relationship or have her think I'm a different guy than I first showed her. I know it would be easier for you if that discussion happens in person as it is with me cause than I at least can read body language and how they act during said convo

[Deleted Member]

Request for info: is he also new to kink and/or serious relationships?

[Hu****]

Let him know its a serious conversation! Guys can be weird with this stuff and when they get nervous they act like ***.... Its best to just put it out there! Most men want to be your fantasy man they are just completely blind to how to do it. All men want to here everything that turns you on!!!! And alot of men are scared to act on situations and feel awkward but breaking that wall down creates more then just good sex it creates a connection!!! Try again and never be ashamed of what you want! You two explore this together and make it fun.