How much do bedroom skills matter?

[Deleted Member]

This has been on my mind so I thought I'd gauge opinions and insight. I'm a straight, sub woman so I am particularly interested in what dominant men think, but I'd also value other perspectives. I write from a place of hopeless insecurity btw.

Being "good" in bed - how much does it matter to you in a play partner or partner? Not just the kink side, just sexual performance I guess. I'd enthusiasm worth more to you than prowess? If someone is not athletic in bed, would that put you off?

[ey****]

So. Speaking purely with my Dominant hat on.

Largely, I can't say it would bother me.

I can get other enjoyment from time together and play/activities without someone being amazing to have sex with

It would bother me if the other person was bothered.  But there's a whole range of other satisfaction I could personally get

[Deleted Member]

28 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So. Speaking purely with my Dominant hat on.

Largely, I can't say it would bother me.

I can get other enjoyment from time together and play/activities without someone being amazing to have sex with

It would bother me if the other person was bothered.  But there's a whole range of other satisfaction I could personally get

I appreciate your response, eyem. I'm left feeling that if I wasn't kinky, I'd be appalling in bed. The kink side takes the heat off? Not your intention of course - my insecurity talking.

[Pl****]

Initial prowess is probably the last thing I care about, though I do want her to improve over time, and I'm willing to teach. I love athletic women, but that's more to do with attractiveness, health, and personality than sexual performance. Of the three you mentioned, enthusiasm is easily the most important to me, but even that just has to be above a minimum threshold at the beginning. Just like she can develop skill over time, enthusiasm can increase as well, and it's my job to inspire that. It's really much more important that I'm skilled, because I'm the one in control here, and my performance inspires her development. Compatibility is a much bigger deal, both sexually and otherwise, than how good someone is in bed. 

[Deleted Member]

I t doesn't matter if you really like the other person.I think for your insecurities Kate.It sounds like you need to be put at ease firstly outside of the bedroom to be comfortable with the other person.Discuss what you would like to happen once you are ,and take baby steps to hopefully immerse yourself in your dream happening.All the bestest luck it will happen for you!

[ey****]

16 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I'm left feeling that if I wasn't kinky, I'd be appalling in bed. The kink side takes the heat off? Not your intention of course - my insecurity talking.

chances are... you wouldn't be bad in bed.   I totally understand the insecurity as I've been there myself (and, there have been times I probably *have* been a bad lay.   But, there's stuff I've learnt from there, I guess) 

I think, different people like different things - if, say, a sexual partner needed you to say or do certain things that weren't natural for you, or things you didn't like - then you would be sexually incompatible.  But someone else is going to like something else.

But I guess, if you aren't feeling confident about sex - the other person can still have a good time with kink (which hopefully you are also) without sex 

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

Initial prowess is probably the last thing I care about, though I do want her to improve over time, and I'm willing to teach. I love athletic women, but that's more to do with attractiveness, health, and personality than sexual performance. Of the three you mentioned, enthusiasm is easily the most important to me, but even that just has to be above a minimum threshold at the beginning. Just like she can develop skill over time, enthusiasm can increase as well, and it's my job to inspire that. It's really much more important that I'm skilled, because I'm the one in control here, and my performance inspires her development. Compatibility is a much bigger deal, both sexually and otherwise, than how good someone is in bed. 

I've heard before that enthusiasm matters but from partners. I never believe anyone I have played with because they will be biased. I thought I might get a more honest response here and I have. I'm never going to be athletic 😳. Good to have your thoughts.

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, talbo said:

I t doesn't matter if you really like the other person.I think for your insecurities Kate.It sounds like you need to be put at ease firstly outside of the bedroom to be comfortable with the other person.Discuss what you would like to happen once you are ,and take baby steps to hopefully immerse yourself in your dream happening.All the bestest luck it will happen for you!

I don't think when it comes to play that most men are that bothered about putting me at my ease. It would be nice to think so, but not sure I see it as my partner's responsibility to ease my insecurities. Hmm.

[Deleted Member]

I've always believed "good" comes from the connection, as with a solid one, the pair can work together to improve In any areas one of those partners may not be fully satisfied, or getting exactly what they need. Its all about the vibe, and where one wishes to go from there.

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

chances are... you wouldn't be bad in bed.   I totally understand the insecurity as I've been there myself (and, there have been times I probably *have* been a bad lay.   But, there's stuff I've learnt from there, I guess) 

I think, different people like different things - if, say, a sexual partner needed you to say or do certain things that weren't natural for you, or things you didn't like - then you would be sexually incompatible.  But someone else is going to like something else.

But I guess, if you aren't feeling confident about sex - the other person can still have a good time with kink (which hopefully you are also) without sex 

I was told for nearly 2 decades that I was (bad in bed that is). I am looking at playing with less kink, which is I guess why the question has come up now. Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

I've always believed "good" comes from the connection, as with a solid one, the pair can work together to improve In any areas one of those partners may not be fully satisfied, or getting exactly what they need. Its all about the vibe, and where one wishes to go from there.

Thanks Donny. Perhaps it depends who I am talking to.

[Deleted Member]

Finding out what makes you feel sexy,  doing what makes you feel sexy,  expressing what your sexy is.... makes you sexy 🔥🙏🔥

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

I don't think when it comes to play that most men are that bothered about putting me at my ease. It would be nice to think so, but not sure I see it as my partner's responsibility to ease my insecurities. Hmm.

You wanna make him feel good, yes?

So why shouldn't he do the same?

 

Good in bed... totally subjective.

Just chill... enjoy... embrace it, have fun. That's sexy, that's good 😚

[Ju****]

Gosh Kate i feel ya (yet again lol).

i feel like im terrible in bed at some things, i think its insecurities / lack of confidence. I doubt myself then that puts me off and i over think while im doing it.. Like blow jobs for example i always feel im crap at them but i do try. 

but i do think it boils down to your partner. being compatible physically mentally and sexually as for me that makes the entire sexual encounter feel so much more comfortable.

as for performance, ive had a play partner once who i wasnt attracted to and when he was doing something i normally like...i didnt enjoy it, really struggled to even think about enjoying it... but that didnt mean he wasnt good at it..just didnt work for me as i didnt feel the attraction.

but if someone im physically attracted to did the same thing id be going wild.

but if i felt a sexual partner wasnt "good" at something id communicate with them how and when i like it best to be able to work through it.

someone whos not willing to communicate with u and just deems you "bad in bed" isnt a compatible person to spend time with in my eyes.

i wouldnt say ur bad in bed, just not compatible. everyone will and wont like something if their mismatched with someone but communication should help this.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Bounty said:

You wanna make him feel good, yes?

So why shouldn't he do the same?

 

Good in bed... totally subjective.

Just chill... enjoy... embrace it, have fun. That's sexy, that's good 😚

It's not that they don't want to make me feel good. It's that they have performance expectations. I don't think I can live up to them. X

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

Gosh Kate i feel ya (yet again lol).

i feel like im terrible in bed at some things, i think its insecurities / lack of confidence. I doubt myself then that puts me off and i over think while im doing it.. Like blow jobs for example i always feel im crap at them but i do try. 

but i do think it boils down to your partner. being compatible physically mentally and sexually as for me that makes the entire sexual encounter feel so much more comfortable.

as for performance, ive had a play partner once who i wasnt attracted to and when he was doing something i normally like...i didnt enjoy it, really struggled to even think about enjoying it... but that didnt mean he wasnt good at it..just didnt work for me as i didnt feel the attraction.

but if someone im physically attracted to did the same thing id be going wild.

but if i felt a sexual partner wasnt "good" at something id communicate with them how and when i like it best to be able to work through it.

someone whos not willing to communicate with u and just deems you "bad in bed" isnt a compatible person to spend time with in my eyes.

i wouldnt say ur bad in bed, just not compatible. everyone will and wont like something if their mismatched with someone but communication should help this.

That's true. Someone who would judge me like that isn't someone I want to do anything with. I am older though and there seems to be this idea that older women "know what they're doing". Blow jobs are fine, it's the rest I think for me. It's the emotional *** for years that's hitting me hard I think. X

[Ju****]

15 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

That's true. Someone who would judge me like that isn't someone I want to do anything with. I am older though and there seems to be this idea that older women "know what they're doing". Blow jobs are fine, it's the rest I think for me. It's the emotional *** for years that's hitting me hard I think. X

Bless you kate, then someone paired with you should understand being privy to that information. have someone whos wanting to explore and learn with you, not criticise you. im sure you are fabulous and if someone loves and cares for you enough they wont mind if ur not as good at some things as you are with others. 

no one ever fully knows what theyre doing anyway, so thats a load of nonsense and false expectation of those silly minds. you be you and have someone value your intimate time when u choose to share it with them xxx

[Wi****]

4 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

Gosh Kate i feel ya (yet again lol).

i feel like im terrible in bed at some things, i think its insecurities / lack of confidence. I doubt myself then that puts me off and i over think while im doing it.. Like blow jobs for example i always feel im crap at them but i do try. 

but i do think it boils down to your partner. being compatible physically mentally and sexually as for me that makes the entire sexual encounter feel so much more comfortable.

as for performance, ive had a play partner once who i wasnt attracted to and when he was doing something i normally like...i didnt enjoy it, really struggled to even think about enjoying it... but that didnt mean he wasnt good at it..just didnt work for me as i didnt feel the attraction.

but if someone im physically attracted to did the same thing id be going wild.

but if i felt a sexual partner wasnt "good" at something id communicate with them how and when i like it best to be able to work through it.

someone whos not willing to communicate with u and just deems you "bad in bed" isnt a compatible person to spend time with in my eyes.

i wouldnt say ur bad in bed, just not compatible. everyone will and wont like something if their mismatched with someone but communication should help this.

I know what you mean jen I feel the same in that I feel insecure in the bedroom some of it is lack of experience so low confidence and there worry about not pleasing the partner.

[Ju****]

3 minutes ago, Willow75 said:

I know what you mean jen I feel the same in that I feel insecure in the bedroom some of it is lack of experience so low confidence and there worry about not pleasing the partner.

its very easy to worry, but if you and them communicate about anxieties or ask how to make that experience better for them, then its a good thing. just be open about how u feel and someone who loves and understands will listen guide and advise u so you both feel great by the end of any kink play or sex encounter together xxx

[Deleted Member]

My 2 cents is and this is just my view and I hope I don’t offend anyone but the guy most of the times has to do the work while the girl lays back in bed and in my experiences I would get tired pumping for so long my legs would get tired muscles in places I didn’t know I had would get sore and it would make me realize I need to get fit and up my endurance for one and two, women in general for me it’s rare to find a woman who not only does some of the work but also doesn’t get tired hopping on her legs which I know is hard to do while on top or her mouth get tired and cramped. We still overlook it cause you like the person a lot and are happy to just have sex them, but when the focus is sex and you’re left unsatisfied, it’s matters to an extent, but that’s up to the individual to weigh in what they like about the person and if that person does what you like vs the endurance/performance aspect. Not just that but if she’s good at blowjobs. There’s been few times it wasn’t that great made me take my c**k out cause it wasn’t good. I think it depends if what your situation and connection is with that person and if it’s that important to you to be satisfied and have fetishes done that you like but not everyone is into. Just my 2 cents.

[so****]

The only time "bedroom skills" are a priority to me is when it's an NSA fuck buddy situation lol otherwise, in a normal relationship or even a BDSM relationship, it's not nearly as important. For me, anyway. Everyone can fuck to some degree or another lol I've personally never been with a woman who was objectively "bad" in bed lol the only real difference I've noticed is in blowjob/oral skills. But as someone who has a strong oral fixation/fetish, my opinion here is somewhat biased lol so I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

Bless you kate, then someone paired with you should understand being privy to that information. have someone whos wanting to explore and learn with you, not criticise you. im sure you are fabulous and if someone loves and cares for you enough they wont mind if ur not as good at some things as you are with others. 

no one ever fully knows what theyre doing anyway, so thats a load of nonsense and false expectation of those silly minds. you be you and have someone value your intimate time when u choose to share it with them xxx

😚 I do not have someone who loves and understands me, I am just playing right now after a bumpy 6 months. This post has made me think more about the kind of man I would agree to play with (not that I rush into things). As Donny said, start with the connection. ☺️

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, InfinitewavesXTC said:

My 2 cents is and this is just my view and I hope I don’t offend anyone but the guy most of the times has to do the work while the girl lays back in bed and in my experiences I would get tired pumping for so long my legs would get tired muscles in places I didn’t know I had would get sore and it would make me realize I need to get fit and up my endurance for one and two, women in general for me it’s rare to find a woman who not only does some of the work but also doesn’t get tired hopping on her legs which I know is hard to do while on top or her mouth get tired and cramped. We still overlook it cause you like the person a lot and are happy to just have sex them, but when the focus is sex and you’re left unsatisfied, it’s matters to an extent, but that’s up to the individual to weigh in what they like about the person and if that person does what you like vs the endurance/performance aspect. Not just that but if she’s good at blowjobs. There’s been few times it wasn’t that great made me take my c**k out cause it wasn’t good. I think it depends if what your situation and connection is with that person and if it’s that important to you to be satisfied and have fetishes done that you like but not everyone is into. Just my 2 cents.

If you're talking about penetration then yes, men do more of the work there. My ex made me feel like I did nothing even though he always got a lot of oral and I never got any. I try to be very generous with my attention and time because I do appreciate that bondage and impact plus any penetration is tiring for the man. And because I like to please my partner. I am more focussed on my partner's satisfaction than my own. I guess that's not too bad when I think about it that way.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, sonofthunder777 said:

The only time "bedroom skills" are a priority to me is when it's an NSA fuck buddy situation lol otherwise, in a normal relationship or even a BDSM relationship, it's not nearly as important. For me, anyway. Everyone can fuck to some degree or another lol I've personally never been with a woman who was objectively "bad" in bed lol the only real difference I've noticed is in blowjob/oral skills. But as someone who has a strong oral fixation/fetish, my opinion here is somewhat biased lol so I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

I think most men enjoy oral, I can understand why they do.

[Co****]

When I’m wearing my Dom hat, I certainly appreciate skill, but most of what we think of as skill comes down to subjective preference. Given the choice between a partner with high skill and low enthusiasm or one with low skill and high enthusiasm, I’ll pick enthusiasm every time. The major skill that I look for is being able to communicate well; skill and compatibility can’t be improved without the ability to give and receive meaningful feedback.