Please (it's published but I would love your thoughts)

[Th****]

The air is thick with the scent of heat and skin.
A heavy, uninhibited weight pressing down in the dark,
where polite boundaries melt into pure friction
and the quiet is replaced by the raw sound of hunger.

Hands lock, gripping tight against the swell.
You can feel the slick, feverish warmth rising between us,
a primitive rhythm taking over the muscle and bone,
stripping away everything but the immediate, desperate need.

The pace turns frantic, a breathless scramble up the ridge.
Teeth graze, pulses hammer, the tension coiling so fierce
it bruises the air, dragging us right to the jagged edge
where the mind blanks out and the body completely rules.

Then the hard, shattering break.
A blinding convulsion of pure, unfiltered release,
crashing through the nerves, flooding every tight space
until the final, heavy tremor anchors us to the floor.

The storm snaps, leaving us tangled and wrecked.
Just the damp, exhausted weight of skin against skin,
and the long, slow cooling of a shared, breathless quiet.

[Th****]

If you like it leave me a comment telling me what you like and/or what I should change

[Th****]

If you like what you read....wait until you hear me read it on a different platform....interested!?

[cellofello]

BLUF: I like it.

My one suggestion is from a standpoint of literature rather than erotica. The one very small change I'd make: "The pace turns frantic" should be "Our pace turns frantic." The first paragraph is not yet settled as to who is being addressed by the writer - us, the readers, or only the writer and the writer's partner. The second paragraph plants the flag: the use of second person shows that we readers are mere voyeurs. The words are focused on the writer and the partner, not on any outsiders. The change from "The pace" to "Our pace" serves to keep consistent with that framework.

This may strike you as an odd question, but: did you conceive of this as prose or poetry?

[Ba****]

I'm an erotic author and I love it hmu let's get to know each other

[cu****]

I like it

[Th****]

14 hours ago, cellofello said:

BLUF: I like it.

My one suggestion is from a standpoint of literature rather than erotica. The one very small change I'd make: "The pace turns frantic" should be "Our pace turns frantic." The first paragraph is not yet settled as to who is being addressed by the writer - us, the readers, or only the writer and the writer's partner. The second paragraph plants the flag: the use of second person shows that we readers are mere voyeurs. The words are focused on the writer and the partner, not on any outsiders. The change from "The pace" to "Our pace" serves to keep consistent with that framework.

This may strike you as an odd question, but: did you conceive of this as prose or poetry?

Thanks for the feedback and the compliment!

I actually chose "The pace" intentionally because I wanted the reader to feel the rhythm and experience it for themselves, rather than feeling like an outsider looking in on someone else's moment.

I’m not a formal literary artist or anything, I just write out my thoughts and feelings as they come. I definitely see it as poetry, specifically spoken word, where the main goal is just getting people to feel the raw energy and flow of the words. I really appreciate you reading it so closely! Great question!

[Th****]

13 hours ago, Bammer13 said:

I'm an erotic author and I love it hmu let's get to know each other

I'm glad that you love it

[Th****]

13 hours ago, curiosityntn said:

I like it

Thank you

[Be****]

As a domme, I rarely find written media that excites me, but for this I have no notes.