The Paper Doll Effect

[Ma****]

Have you ever been on a date or just messaging someone and you start feeling uncomfortable or replaceable and you don't know why? There's a reason and I just saw a video online that introduced The Paper Doll Effect, putting a name to something I have seen for decades. I warn submissives about this, but it goes both ways.

For example, I am seeking more than a hookup (demisexual, wanting a LTR). When I agree to take anything off an app or meet someone, I look for a few things. If they spend the entire time talking about their kinks and what they want and never ask any personal questions about me or my life, I get out of there and tell them it won't work out. They're not interested in getting to know me, they want me as an object. I could be any submissive and they would still be having the same date. I'm a Paper Doll for them to attach their desires, wants, and kinks to with temporary paper tabs. They usually also include a combination of three phrases.

If they say 'You're not like the rest of them' that's another red flag. They're separating you from others, making you think your experience is unique so you don't compare notes. 'I feel like I have known you forever/a long time' means they are collapsing boundaries fast and not for good reason. The worst one is 'Nobody else gets me like you do' because that can make *** people want to work to be the exception even when it costs them.

Please look for these things. A bad actor will reword things, but the pattern remains the same. Stay vigilant and safe.

Do you have any stories like this that would help another person avoid a mistake? Please share so we can all learn.

[To****]

Thank you for this. I an entirely new to this lifestyle and this is helpful information

[Ma****]

I'm unsure why v*lnerable was censored. Weird.

[pa****]

Oh my god thank you for this it actually has opened my eyes to a lot now

[cu****]

It’s also super fun when they keep chasing and say they want you emotionally, mentally, and sexually and want exclusivity. Then when you agree they suddenly don’t want a “relationship “ because you’re on a “Fu*k site. You should know better than to try to find something real on here. Mind boggling for sure.

[FE****]

18 minutes ago, MaryTylerWhore said:

I'm unsure why v*lnerable was censored. Weird.

App Store rules about the censorship of certain words.  

[Ma****]

9 minutes ago, FETMod-RG said:

App Store rules about the censorship of certain words.  

That makes more sense now. Thank you!

[FE****]

Just now, MaryTylerWhore said:

 

That makes more sense now. Thank you!

Sometimes the words are obvious, sometimes the letters that are the issue are embedded in a larger word.  People who have a hobby where they use brushes and coloured oil to create a picture can get very confused when their hobby gets censored because something that shouldn't happen without consent gets identified lol 

[Deleted Member]

No way! I needed to read that! Thanks for the info, that's wild!!!

[ay****]

Back on subject,, those are actually sop"standard operating procedure" for narcissists. Looking for prey,, and,, ? Empaths are, from what I have gathered, very much drawn to the lifestyle but, this is where bad things can happen if care isn't taken. Also hard to cry "***" I don't want to use the R word, once you've actually asked to be tied up,, and,, all the other fun things.
But stop means no. UK law states that it doesn't matter when it's said,, but getting sympathy if you have discussed impact play?
So, listen to your in-tuition,,
It's your teacher after all,, or rather,, before all.
Stay safe.

[cl****]

Each person to their own . Trust your instincts and just do you. Cant hate others for catching feelings on you at the end of the day they are human. But i agree the scenes starting to get alot of actors and fakes just dragging for the add dopamine fix.

[Ro****]

Classic chaser behavior. They put all their energy into winning you over, and the moment that phase ends, they find a convenient excuse to blame the platform rather than own their own boredom

[mi****]

This is also narcissist traits. Narcissist make terrible doms. In general be wary of love bombers . Saw a Guy for two weeks he loved bombed the hell out of me since I have dealt with this before I said just for fun I'll let it play out I was told he did nothing to me and also he's sorry for what he did to me. I'm stupid and dumb as rocks 3 hours ago I was the best thing ever he did not fail to entertain thank God he didn't know where I lived dude called and texted me so much my phone glitched and I couldn't block him. In his defense I instigated it. I never did anything but I would have stopped talking to him after the first meeting but his spiral was so funny since I was not invested so I kept in contact to just laugh but he was becoming unhinged so I stopped. There should be a website where you could warn others with proof of course I'm sorry for the next woman if she can't see the signs

[Da****]

This has been a very long-standing problem for those who just think that a person on a kinky app is simply looking for some action, sex, and two satisfy their fantasies. This is because they themselves are only looking for that. If someone is genuinely willing to go beyond all of that then they would have asked you some questions about you while on the app itself. So I would say identify the red flags way before you take it off the app.
It does not hurt to simply ask the name, what you do, what are your interest, what are your goals and ambitions in your life…

[ey****]

so yep, in general.  There's a lot of people end up wanting to talk solely about kink and their kinks - and it is generally a set up for failure.  

I don't want to sound too defensive; I guess in a lot of cases some folk just don't know better or don't get their head beyond "this is a fetish app" but it's something a lot of folk need to learn from cos it's central to a lot of their failures as, intentionally or not, it objectifies the other person as a fetish dispenser and projects onto them. As you say, paper doll.

A lot of the others "you're not like the others", "no one gets me like you do" - I dunno if people sometimes think they're being sweet, but there's a lot in which again... if they really believe it then they're also placing someone on a pedestal which is unfair to the person - but, also, it can lead to their own kinda issues when you're not the version of you they have in their head.  This doesn't mean you're not fantastic, but it still can have them have unfair expectations

Some of the other stuff also can lead into different forms of dependency, which can make it more difficult to criticise behaviours from them, or break up - "but no one else gets me" kinda thing which, intentionally or not, can be manipulative 

[ne****]

Is it a day or is it a precursor interview before you go and fuck somewhere? But yes most guys hate that feeling they hate when it seems like a woman is quote unquote interviewing a handful of men. It's insulting is what it is ironically enough because women are The Gatekeepers of dating y'all can usually pick and choose much more enthusiastic guys so you never have to really have that feeling

[Eu****]

Very interesting POV, but i think i saw another dimension to it. Those who make you an object, don't really know how to relate to you when you don't project on them the object of your kinks. When asked about themselves, they just keep talking about kinks, but nothing about hardships, and loss, or winnings and moments of joy. They simply can't relate only there an unsoken rule between: i allow you to make me an object, if you allow me to make an object of you.

And many , many people forget that BDSM and the assigned roles are meant to be transcended, not identified with. And it can't be such a good tool for self development, intimacy, etc, but when fetishized is nothing short of just a distructive, toxic relationship.

Thank you for creating this topic, and i would love to know if this resonates, and what else can be found!?

[de****]

Mm, immediate love bombing. Or when you tell them about a time someone physically hurt you, not reacting with empathy (as a normal person would). Never asking about my life or if they can come over (always you going to them). Not being open (or able) to discuss feelings and emotions - because these dynamics require it. There is a lot of bait and switch with individuals like this, I have found. They want the trophy of momentarily finding a great catch but not the work of maintaining a great relationship. Anyone who demands easy access to kinks/sex/etc without honoring or wanting to access the other parts of who you are.

[Deleted Member]

Yes I have

[Da****]

That’s been a rule of mine with dating even outside of kink stuff. If a girl/women does nothing but talk about herself, never inquires anything about me, to me it’s a flag, maybe not a red flag dealbreaker, but a general sign I should consider moving on.

[la****]

Hobosexuals do this. ILY = Can I Stay With You

It's coming up on winter ladies. Hide your apartments. 🙃

[da****]

Build a bitch song comes to mind

[do****]

Thank you for this. Never heard it described as paper doll before, but that describes exactly what I’ve experienced recently. Another one I look out for is trauma dumping, the complete lack of boundaries and fishing for a way to get you to reveal past wounds.

[Ge****]

When women realise that men really only need a woman for procreation and ZERO other reasons in the modern world.......you ladies pushed and pushed men to "grow up and manage your own life" since the 1970s and now wonder why men simply see you as nothing more than a incubator on legs 😂

Men don't need a wife
Men don't need a cook
Men don't need a social director
Men don't need a maid
Simply put, men don't need a woman for ANYTHING except popping out *** and that's it

[ay****]

I agree,, I don't need a woman for any of those things
I WANT her for those things . And I'm happy to share cooking and,, well maybe one of these Daze I'll try a latex maids outfit for fun 😂
And being able to worship her spirit and body? That's the chocolate ice cream on top,, and everywhere else if I may. I really have an insatiable appetite for"ice cream"🤭 personally, I don't understand the acct of fugging,, intimacy ? on the other hand, is what makes life a joy