Popular Post au**** Posted October 20 Popular Post I was chatting with a friend last night about what makes her submissive. She said things like, "I'm the oldest child," "I'm constantly having to take care of people," "I'm always on," "people tend to use me to do things for them," and "in my normal life, I'm always serving people." She went on to explain that she just wants some relief from that. She wants someone to give her, what she gives others and in return she will gladly submit. It dawned on me that we are birds of a feather. The origins of her kink are almost identical to mine, but I am a Dom. Not a Dom that wants a little slap and tickle followed up with a "thank you daddy." Also, not just a person with bad manners, hiding behind the title. I mean I'm an unshakably dominant person. When I decide to push, the world bends, not the other way around. What I realized is that my kink is about someone being kind and gentle with me. Thinking about my feelings and attending to my needs without being compelled and being excited to do it. No struggle, no boundaries... just willingness to serve me when I ask for it, maybe even before that. I am the oldest child. People often form relationships with me because I am super capable and I can accomplish things for them that they can't do for themselves. This submissive and I come from the same mental place, but have different ways of getting satisfaction. Doms and Subs, does this apply to you or do you have a different reason for being the way you are?
wa**** Posted October 20 I’m the same way. I have a difficult every day life. It’s nice to just give in to a Dom and submit. For me, it’s an escape from my daily struggles for a bit. It fulfills me to submit to a caring and loving Dom for a bit.
Sl**** Posted October 20 Damn...you just granted me an epiphany. I am a true switch, having thoroughly enjoyed both sides. Other than being the oldest child, that whole statement resonates with me. Both sides of me come from mostly the same aspect, with a little bit of my own trauma as seasoning!
FA**** Posted October 20 Then sit down and figutr out exactly what you are looking for and what you need. The biggest thing is set the bare minimum requirement for being able to to have a conversation so your don't waste your time. Like for me it's high level masochist that is willing to do some things to me and can't be afraid of ***. So I mean it sounds like you need to figure out what you want, what's your desires and then how to accomplish this. To be dominant is easy, if you have it on you but understanding the beauty of what submission is and really means to you and what if should mean to you coming to you and for you from her. I am how I am because I was born fucked in the head,l like to hurt people, the sadism is an outlet for the surface level darkness but I have participated in multiple real simulated "R" where is physical as hell and ***y as you have really attack and do the act but it's just agreed under a contract. I am really crazy and I tell people that from the jump.so to me it sounds like you aren't 100% sure what your looking for and want brother. To do wrat I can you can't look at the person as human, which isn't hard for me as I view humans as nothing more ***s no different than dogs. So I am aware that most people can't do that but I was born like this so I adapted to life and embraced who I am your talking gentle so you shouldn't have problem finding that at all. Try to find one that likes *** play, they are a rarity and gift. As I said early man I am a masochist higher than most women I have been had time with. I am one the few people I know that stood in a room and a friend was popping me with a bull whip why we were talking in the dungeon. I have to have control though still. That's why I like to see *** I don't feel the other shit until way later. Your talking about two different kinds of sub in either end of the spectrum. Just find what you want and then finding someone who fits what you are chasing my friend. Good luck out there.
ey**** Posted October 20 7 hours ago, aurora49783 said: I was chatting with a friend last night about what makes her submissive. She said things like, "I'm the oldest child," "I'm constantly having to take care of people," "I'm always on," "people tend to use me to do things for them," and "in my normal life, I'm always serving people." She went on to explain that she just wants some relief from that. She wants someone to give her, what she gives others and in return she will gladly submit. It dawned on me that we are birds of a feather. this sort of thing is a very common trope in kink. Like I tend not to read papers or magazines these days - but every so many months one, particularly if there was a sex column, would do an "interview with a Dominatrix" thing and it'd ask about clients and that trope would come out, "Oh, they're often succesful men, who have a lot of management and responsibility and boss people around and just want an environment where they can let themselves go and give up control" etc etc. and it's a common story. But then, of course, they wouldn't get that story from say, male dominants, cos they're not their clients And there's a lot of this in kink. School Uniform fetishes are thought to be common because that was an environment people were in when they first went through puberty. Caning is more popular from older people who had caning when they were younger, because it's often tied to a time when the cane was the only thing for be afraid of - and so on - but all of these have the same thing in common that there appears to be a pattern, but none of it can be proven Sometimes it might be good to look at common ground you have with others; but of course never assume that these are fact, as people tend to make the mistake of then pushing origins onto other folk also
do**** Posted October 20 I wasn't aware I was a dom until I was with a woman for awhile that would do anything for me I wanted and most times I didn't even have to ask or command she just knew what I wanted.
le**** Posted October 20 So for me ( a sub) it was all about the stated above but it was also about learning the way I was being touched. I have suffered through some very hard mental, physical, and emotional *** and it broke my ability to trust someone with any and all forms intimacy. Sex was something that I just did to appease my partner or feel connected to someone enough to keep them happy. It was never about what I needed or wanted to feel. Then I met my first dom and discovered that my needs were important as well. I am a hyper independent woman who has raised a child by herself and always had to be the decision maker and the provider. Being a sub has done so many things for my mental state and my ability to trust someone. I wanted to enjoy being touched and have learned to enjoy it a lot.
df**** Posted October 21 I feel this so much then because of my mental and trust between wanting it and not trusting. It's very hard. To trust yourself again to give trust. It's sucks
mi**** Posted October 21 Most of my subs have prior relationship trauma and have not had the sole physical focus of a person; my dominant side is a singular hyper-focus due to my career and drive among my family and friends, once a new sub and I have vetted each other. It allows me to shed the weight of life as a provider and caretaker of others and elders, as well as a business owner, and I provide an emotional connection with no veil from the forefront. The connection and physical touch will not rebuild everything, but I have seen it make it passable, and the growth shows in many women I have seen go into healthy relationships.
Ye**** Posted October 21 YES. I've been on both sides of that same dynamic. I've been a Domme most of my life as a default mode. I'm a capable, confident leader. People have always looked to me for direction or answers. I've thrived in that role for a long time. I took it for granted. Then I quite by accident began a relationship with Dom. Not a bossy, demand driven guy. Just a strong, confident counterpart. He made decisions easily and with care. It was liberating.
lostInSwizzerland Posted October 21 I think the difference is in what we want to do with that control. For me, being a Dom is very much about having it, but not just for the sake of power. I like being the one who sets the pace, reads the situation, anticipates what’s needed and makes things happen. I’m a control freak by nature; I enjoy having things in my hands. But what makes it truly satisfying is when someone wants to let me take over. When I don’t have to fight for control because their trust makes it something they willingly give me. Maybe we do come from the same place, just looking for different kinds of relief. Some people want to stop carrying the weight of everyone else. Others want, for once, to meet someone who willingly lets them carry the weight. And when both understand what the other needs, that’s when the dynamic gets really interesting. 🖤
je**** Posted October 21 Is it common? The eldest child syndrome to produce someone that is essentially a sub in a relationship and a dominant person in life. I resonated with this sub you were talking to. I am the eldest. Im also the only female of us sibling but it goes further im also the only female of me and my cousins. I was the second youngest of the cousins but I was always looking out for the boys. It blended into my adult life. I take care of everyone. As a live in care helper for an elderly woman. I have grown to hate all choices in my life but in my professional life I make them quick and easy. People have called me gullible as I keep doing for people. I do until I cant. Even at my own health.
Un**** Posted October 22 I can relate to her initial conundrum, yet for me it's so embedded that I'm a natural Dominant. I don't think I could ever be a full Submissive, I'm just not built that way. I fully get my pleasure from pleasing others in more ways than one.
li**** Posted October 24 This is still very new to me so I can't speak too much from experience. But, I can look back at certain behaviors in past relationships and see where I attract subs but I don't think I have strong dom characteristics or maybe holding some of that back. I definitely attract people in a way that I feel has something to do with my perceived worth. I am also a nurturing person to the point of codependency. So, even if I had thoughts of being dom, it might be hard to act on it. I also think I have a hard time asking for what I want in general. Now, from a submissive perspective, when someone tries to comfort me emotionally, it becomes really, really uncomfortable to me, like I do not deserve it. Maybe subconsciously I think I am a bad person and need to focus on helping others.
ka**** Posted October 25 It’s interesting, isn’t it? I think it’s something hardwired between us. Like you said, birds of a feather, but different. We are women and you, a man, but different things make us feel empowered. Specifically, taking care of someone’s needs in a Dom/Sub relationship make me feel empowered. In return, I can’t say explicity how you feel, but that’s the sub side from an eldest daughter + having no father + being ***d by my uncle
Sl**** Posted October 25 16 hours ago, likeitslow said: This is still very new to me so I can't speak too much from experience. But, I can look back at certain behaviors in past relationships and see where I attract subs but I don't think I have strong dom characteristics or maybe holding some of that back. I definitely attract people in a way that I feel has something to do with my perceived worth. I am also a nurturing person to the point of codependency. So, even if I had thoughts of being dom, it might be hard to act on it. I also think I have a hard time asking for what I want in general. Now, from a submissive perspective, when someone tries to comfort me emotionally, it becomes really, really uncomfortable to me, like I do not deserve it. Maybe subconsciously I think I am a bad person and need to focus on helping others. I can relate to the nurturing approaching a codependency level. It's a natural way that many of us who give easily(or perhaps naturally is more apt) progress from giving others validation they deserve, into pouring validation and support in hopes or it being returned to us. You dont like being openly emotionally comforted, but perhaps you care for others in the ways you would like to be cared for. But if we've never received that level of care before, it can be very disarming, because we were taught to deal with never receiving and only giving. You dont have to fit into a classicaly defined role-sub or dom. Sub doesn't always mean that you open yourself up completely and hand someone the keys to your body and soul. Dom doesn't always mean that you wield authority with an iron fist and a detached iciness. For you, being dominant could mean having someone say to you "right now i belong to you completely. I know you'll take care of me in every way you know how, so I am YOURS." Thats someone handing the power, authority, and controls to you. So you dont have to be softly comforted by them, they have given you the gift of themselves fully, and enjoying every moment, every inch of them, and the power they have surrendered to you, can be more comforting than any comfort you "receive"
li**** Posted October 27 I definitely know I care for others hoping they feel something from it that I wish I would have had in the past when I had needed it. And, agreed, there is some kind of validation I am trying to obtain. I have recently become aware of that and nopt sure where it came from but am trying to work on it and figure that out. Appreciate the input!
Sl**** Posted October 28 Of course! It is not inherently wrong to seek validation, so don't treat it like a dirty word. Its when we overextend ourselves to get validation, and keep overworking ourselves for those wont give validation when it was earned long ago. We all deserve validation for ourselves in positive ways, but just because you don't get it doesn't mean you dont deserve it. You just might going about it in the wrong ways or for someone who is unworthy of us..
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