Is the owner owned, do they belong to the person they own…?

[Se****]

I’m struggling with grasping the concept of something and I could do with some outside perspectives and thoughts please.

So, in my mind if I’m in a committed relationship with someone I belong to them. I’ve given myself and my heart to them (and they’ve accepted it). Easy concept, I think.

The struggle in currently having is maybe simply a pedantic one relational to words as opposed to feelings or actions. My thoughts are that if I’m theirs, if they say “mine” when they’re thinking/talking about me, they are also mine? They are my person, my partner, my love, my Daddy/Sir/Master (or any other term you choose).

There has to be an element of them also belonging to me because otherwise they are just another person with no meaning to me. Anybody can call themselves a Daddy or a Dom(me) etc etc, but that doesn’t mean they’re MY Daddy or Dom unless they mean something to me, unless there’s a sense of belonging.

I don’t know how to verbalise this though. I don’t mean I own them, I don’t, they own me but because I’m owned by them they are inherently mine because they are MY owner. I belong to them but they also belong to me.

That said, I’m aware some people don’t believe in this - the dominant partner can’t or shouldn’t belong to the submissive partner. The submissive partner shouldn’t say “they’re/you’re mine”.

Help me understand this school of thought please where the submissive belongs to them but equally appears to have no claim on them because I genuinely don’t understand it.

Does it mean that they are nothing to the submissive partner? Does it mean they want the benefits of ownership without the *** of being tied to that other person? Does it mean they inherently don’t care? Do they not feel the need to belong?

As always, please try to stick to the topic and remain polite and friendly even if you don’t agree with any of the viewpoints expressed.

Love,

X

[Adam2034]

I can only speak from my experience, but when you have agreed that you are going to be a submissive the dominating party must put in a lot of effort to ensure that the relationship works. I wouldn’t say the owner is owned but in a one on one relationship which I have always had I have never had more than one submissive at a time but it is like any other relationship you are entering into a partnership where everybody else is cut out. Some Dom’s of numerous submissive I never have I’ve always kept it with just one as I started this piece. It takes a lot of effort. Thought planning to ensure the relationship is what both partners want. This is all worked out well in advance when you would meet and I usually meet no less than four times to insure I have a complete picture of what my submissive wants. This is even before any play starts. Because a good master during this time will work out the subs mind. That’s why I say a minimum of four times. On a couple of occasions, it has gone on a lot longer. But the master must have a complete grasp of how the partnership is going to move forward. Also a good master will periodically ask the submissive how things are going from their point of view and where else or what else would they like to get from the partnership? It is an ongoing process all the way through the relationship.

[MrBr0landoBRooM]

In short no, but they are responsible for their pet. Unfortunately, owners are allowed to have multiple pets, which is why communication and boundaries are important topics when choosing anyone.

[Se****]

3 minutes ago, Adam2034 said:

I can only speak from my experience, but when you have agreed that you are going to be a submissive the dominating party must put in a lot of effort to ensure that the relationship works. I wouldn’t say the owner is owned but in a one on one relationship which I have always had I have never had more than one submissive at a time but it is like any other relationship you are entering into a partnership where everybody else is cut out. Some Dom’s of numerous submissive I never have I’ve always kept it with just one as I started this piece. It takes a lot of effort. Thought planning to ensure the relationship is what both partners want. This is all worked out well in advance when you would meet and I usually meet no less than four times to insure I have a complete picture of what my submissive wants. This is even before any play starts. Because a good master during this time will work out the subs mind. That’s why I say a minimum of four times. On a couple of occasions, it has gone on a lot longer. But the master must have a complete grasp of how the partnership is going to move forward. Also a good master will periodically ask the submissive how things are going from their point of view and where else or what else would they like to get from the partnership? It is an ongoing process all the way through the relationship.

I apologise for being somewhat dense but I’m not really sure I understand your response. I understand it in a literal sense, I comprehend the words but I’m not sure how it addresses what I was asking. Thank you though.

[De****]

This really comes down to how your dynamic is structured. Are you Monogamous? Poly? Etc. If your dynamic is monogamous then yes your logic will apply here. However if you have more of an open dynamic where you simply with others. That’s where the complexity seeps in. Even in open/poly relationships there generally is a “primary” so to speak. However is there a direct claim laid to them. Not so much. TLDR - what is your dynamic and does it allow for open or closed relationships.

[Lo****]

Don’t overthink 😉 you belong to another, just as simple as that ✌️🌞

[Se****]

2 minutes ago, MrBr0landoBRooM said:

In short no, but they are responsible for their pet. Unfortunately, owners are allowed to have multiple pets, which is why communication and boundaries are important topics when choosing anyone.

This isn’t a pet play scenario. And whilst I appreciate what you’re saying a pet owner is not inherently “allowed” to have multiple pets it is something that is negotiated consensually between both/all parties not just a blanket rule and statement. 

[MrBr0landoBRooM]

If 2 people are in a relationship, and it's not an open relationship. Then yes, you are both owned, only one is collared.

[Se****]

2 minutes ago, DevilsRaven said:

This really comes down to how your dynamic is structured. Are you Monogamous? Poly? Etc. If your dynamic is monogamous then yes your logic will apply here. However if you have more of an open dynamic where you simply with others. That’s where the complexity seeps in. Even in open/poly relationships there generally is a “primary” so to speak. However is there a direct claim laid to them. Not so much. TLDR - what is your dynamic and does it allow for open or closed relationships.

My understanding and belief is that at this time the relationship is monogamous and exclusive. That may or may not change in the future. And that there is real love from both sides.

And I am going to be in significant trouble for being so open about this 🙄😂

[Se****]

My current thoughts are that it’s semantics. But also I wholly dislike being wrong without tangible “proof”. 

[De****]

3 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

My understanding and belief is that at this time the relationship is monogamous and exclusive. That may or may not change in the future. And that there is real love from both sides.

And I am going to be in significant trouble for being so open about this 🙄😂

Sometimes a little trouble now saves more trouble down the line. From what you have provided. Then I would say yes your logic is sound in your situation.

[Sh****]

Ok, the Master \ Slave dynamic from a BDSM Perspective.... this is a long term, power sharing dynamic and it most definitely goes both ways. This is usually done by a committed Dominant \ Submissive couple who have been in the community and have played long enough that they are ready to fully commit to each other. This is the BDSM version of a Marriage. In some ways, it is actually a deeper commitment than a marriage (at least the modern version of marriage accepted now). The Submissive gives over her power and control to the Domminant completely as a Slave. The Dominate now accepts total responsibility for her safety, well-being and happiness. There is a contract. A written, signed form spelling out the responsibility of the Master and Slave. What the slave duties are and what the Master duties are. How they speak and address each other. What kind of collar the slave wears. Greeting and behavior protocols, etc...There is always a section dedicated to how communication and problem resolution is to be handled. There is usually a collaring ceremony with members of the BDSM Community. There are many versions of this type of dynamic from low levels of control up to extreme micro managing. No version of this dynamic should be entered into without long discussions and full acceptance of the serious nature of this agreement. Most M\S dynamics start with a 6 month or 1 year trial period. At those points, the dynamic can be dissolved. Later, a fully binding, no cancelation contract can be entered into. Please take this seriously. Things can go horrifically wrong if you don't.

[Adam2034]

I think it boils down to in a nutshell that if you are in a relationship a submissive/master relationship excluding all others then yes you could say that that person is yours. However, if you give yourself over to your master and your master as other submissive, then you are just sharing him during the times that you are together. Because he has all the submissive that he must see to like I said I only ever have one submissive at a time so from my point of view, we are in a relationship be it only sometimes a kinky one. Depending how often my sub and I would get together, I would spend a lot of time after a session debriefing myself in my thoughts. Then I would spend a lot of time during the periods between sessions planning what I am going to do the next time we meet.

[Se****]

17 minutes ago, Shadowoxo said:

Ok, the Master \ Slave dynamic from a BDSM Perspective.... this is a long term, power sharing dynamic and it most definitely goes both ways. This is usually done by a committed Dominant \ Submissive couple who have been in the community and have played long enough that they are ready to fully commit to each other. This is the BDSM version of a Marriage. In some ways, it is actually a deeper commitment than a marriage (at least the modern version of marriage accepted now). The Submissive gives over her power and control to the Domminant completely as a Slave. The Dominate now accepts total responsibility for her safety, well-being and happiness. There is a contract. A written, signed form spelling out the responsibility of the Master and Slave. What the slave duties are and what the Master duties are. How they speak and address each other. What kind of collar the slave wears. Greeting and behavior protocols, etc...There is always a section dedicated to how communication and problem resolution is to be handled. There is usually a collaring ceremony with members of the BDSM Community. There are many versions of this type of dynamic from low levels of control up to extreme micro managing. No version of this dynamic should be entered into without long discussions and full acceptance of the serious nature of this agreement. Most M\S dynamics start with a 6 month or 1 year trial period. At those points, the dynamic can be dissolved. Later, a fully binding, no cancelation contract can be entered into. Please take this seriously. Things can go horrifically wrong if you don't.

Firstly this is NOT an M/s dynamic and I’m aware of the differences.

Secondly and much more importantly in case anyone is reading who doesn’t know - there is no such thing as fully binding, no cancellation contract. That is actually ab*se. Anyone is allowed to enter or leave a relationship and keeping someone against their will is not only unlawful but against the very ethos of the BDSM community.

[BZ****]

1 hour ago, Shadowoxo said:

Ok, the Master \ Slave dynamic from a BDSM Perspective.... this is a long term, power sharing dynamic and it most definitely goes both ways. This is usually done by a committed Dominant \ Submissive couple who have been in the community and have played long enough that they are ready to fully commit to each other. This is the BDSM version of a Marriage. In some ways, it is actually a deeper commitment than a marriage (at least the modern version of marriage accepted now). The Submissive gives over her power and control to the Domminant completely as a Slave. The Dominate now accepts total responsibility for her safety, well-being and happiness. There is a contract. A written, signed form spelling out the responsibility of the Master and Slave. What the slave duties are and what the Master duties are. How they speak and address each other. What kind of collar the slave wears. Greeting and behavior protocols, etc...There is always a section dedicated to how communication and problem resolution is to be handled. There is usually a collaring ceremony with members of the BDSM Community. There are many versions of this type of dynamic from low levels of control up to extreme micro managing. No version of this dynamic should be entered into without long discussions and full acceptance of the serious nature of this agreement. Most M\S dynamics start with a 6 month or 1 year trial period. At those points, the dynamic can be dissolved. Later, a fully binding, no cancelation contract can be entered into. Please take this seriously. Things can go horrifically wrong if you don't.

You are dangerous to the BDSM community….
This is why so many people live traumatized !!!

Your Sub is NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!
He/She/They have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT AND POWER to leave your sorry ass and move on !!!!

A submissive does not surrender their worth, identity or autonomy. They offer something that belongs to them, and that offering is a privilege, not an entitlement.

For me, the distinction between control and ownership lies precisely there. A Dominant does not become worthy of someone’s submission simply because they demand authority, nor does the submissive become powerless because they choose to yield it. The power exists because it is willingly given, and the responsibility lies with the person receiving it to honour that trust.

And perhaps that is the most beautiful contradiction of submission: the submissive retains the ultimate power of choice, even when choosing to surrender control.

I would add just one thing: not everyone who wants to hold that power has earned the privilege of receiving it. And knowing the difference is perhaps the greatest strength a submissive can possess.

Remember:

BEING SUBMISSIVE HAS NEVER BEEN ABOUT BEING POWERLESS !
IT IS ABOUT THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO GIFT THAT POWER TO THE PERSON YOU DEEM MIST WIRTHY OF IT!!

And you sir … sound like you are working out you anger/proprietary issues on another human being !!! 😡

[Sh****]

21 minutes ago, BZBEE said:

You are dangerous to the BDSM community….
This is why so many people live traumatized !!!

Your Sub is NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!
He/She/They have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT AND POWER to leave your sorry ass and move on !!!!

A submissive does not surrender their worth, identity or autonomy. They offer something that belongs to them, and that offering is a privilege, not an entitlement.

For me, the distinction between control and ownership lies precisely there. A Dominant does not become worthy of someone’s submission simply because they demand authority, nor does the submissive become powerless because they choose to yield it. The power exists because it is willingly given, and the responsibility lies with the person receiving it to honour that trust.

And perhaps that is the most beautiful contradiction of submission: the submissive retains the ultimate power of choice, even when choosing to surrender control.

I would add just one thing: not everyone who wants to hold that power has earned the privilege of receiving it. And knowing the difference is perhaps the greatest strength a submissive can possess.

Remember:

BEING SUBMISSIVE HAS NEVER BEEN ABOUT BEING POWERLESS !
IT IS ABOUT THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO GIFT THAT POWER TO THE PERSON YOU DEEM MIST WIRTHY OF IT!!

And you sir … sound like you are working out you anger/proprietary issues on another human being !!! 😡

You are correct. M\S is Never about degrading or taking power from the submissive. I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am definitely not a monster, I do not own any pets or slaves. I was just reporting on what I have personally seen in my 16 years in the BDSM Community. I have seen many successful M\S relationships and they are beautiful. The slave is very happy and well taken care of. Yes, a slave always has a way out. Just like a marriage. There is just more formalities associated with M\S than a marriage. Wow, if I knew people here would call me a monster for just reporting on what actually goes on in the Houston BDSM community... I will just let everyone carry on and live there best life. No judgements from me. Sorry if I offended you. I sincerely hope you have a good day.

[Sh****]

1 hour ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Firstly this is NOT an M/s dynamic and I’m aware of the differences.

Secondly and much more importantly in case anyone is reading who doesn’t know - there is no such thing as fully binding, no cancellation contract. That is actually ab*se. Anyone is allowed to enter or leave a relationship and keeping someone against their will is not only unlawful but against the very ethos of the BDSM community.

I apologize, I did not understand you were referring to other forms of ownership outside of M\S. I meant no disrespect to your current dynamic.

[Ed****]

It’s different for everyone. I am kind of a romantic Sadistic Master. When someone offers them selves to me I feel a strong bond between us. That does not mean equal power in the relationship. It means equal security in the relationship. Not everyone agrees with that. As you negotiate for a relationship ask about this topic. Make sure you agree on views. Also if one or both of you lie then agreements are voided. I have a friend who was lied to like that and the Top (I can’t call a liar a Master) told them it was too late. They agreed and no one would want them if the broke their contract

[fo****]

That's the confusion in a lot of this the sub is really in control. They decide to be submissive. In a really healthy relationship the boundaries are respected. They are truly free from anything as they only do what they are told

[Ba****]

It’s the same logic as if when you live in your (!) country you don’t own it though

[Th****]

2 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

My understanding and belief is that at this time the relationship is monogamous and exclusive. That may or may not change in the future. And that there is real love from both sides.

And I am going to be in significant trouble for being so open about this 🙄😂

Have you specifically discussed this with your partner? That's the only way to know. 

There is no universal script for D/s beyond it being intentional imbalance of authority. What it looks like is up to the people involved and what they negotiate and build together. 

[Bl****]

2 hours ago, Shadowoxo said:

Ok, the Master \ Slave dynamic from a BDSM Perspective.... this is a long term, power sharing dynamic and it most definitely goes both ways. This is usually done by a committed Dominant \ Submissive couple who have been in the community and have played long enough that they are ready to fully commit to each other. This is the BDSM version of a Marriage. In some ways, it is actually a deeper commitment than a marriage (at least the modern version of marriage accepted now). The Submissive gives over her power and control to the Domminant completely as a Slave. The Dominate now accepts total responsibility for her safety, well-being and happiness. There is a contract. A written, signed form spelling out the responsibility of the Master and Slave. What the slave duties are and what the Master duties are. How they speak and address each other. What kind of collar the slave wears. Greeting and behavior protocols, etc...There is always a section dedicated to how communication and problem resolution is to be handled. There is usually a collaring ceremony with members of the BDSM Community. There are many versions of this type of dynamic from low levels of control up to extreme micro managing. No version of this dynamic should be entered into without long discussions and full acceptance of the serious nature of this agreement. Most M\S dynamics start with a 6 month or 1 year trial period. At those points, the dynamic can be dissolved. Later, a fully binding, no cancelation contract can be entered into. Please take this seriously. Things can go horrifically wrong if you don't.

This is pure misogynistic fantasy and nobody should take you seriously.

[Se****]

12 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

Have you specifically discussed this with your partner? That's the only way to know. 

There is no universal script for D/s beyond it being intentional imbalance of authority. What it looks like is up to the people involved and what they negotiate and build together. 

You know me well enough to know that I have indeed discussed it with them and that is the cause of my confusion - I am unable to grasp the distinction they are making and vice versa. Part of me feels like we’re saying the same thing but with different words so I wanted to try to understand other people’s perspectives to see if it gave me a lightbulb moment of clarity. So far it has not 😂.

[Th****]

1 minute ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

 

You know me well enough to know that I have indeed discussed it with them and that is the cause of my confusion - I am unable to grasp the distinction they are making and vice versa. Part of me feels like we’re saying the same thing but with different words so I wanted to try to understand other people’s perspectives to see if it gave me a lightbulb moment of clarity. So far it has not 😂.

Has he said he doesn't belong to you?

I can see within the context of BDSM a separation between ownership and belonging to someone as a partner. I personally see them as different things and don't think monogamy/non-monog is necessarily relevant. 

[Bl****]

A feeling of belonging is a perfectly normal thing in any healthy relationship, whether that be platonic, romantic or within a BDSM context.

It simply means you have found your people or person. It means you can be your true self, be safe with that other person and unmask around them. We ultimately choose who we spend our time and energy with as autonomous beings, and that's part of the reason why BDSM dynamics feel so complex and deep.

Rather than thinking about it in a sense of possession (that's a societal expectation of the materialistic world we live in seeking to commodify *everything*, including relationships), I prefer to think of it all as a way to provide fulfillment and purpose.