How to become comfortable and confident as a domme?

[no****]

I’m sort of new to being a dominant female and I was wondering if you guys could help me out with some tips and suggestions on how to improve my role and become more confident and comfortable with that side of me. I want to welcome and encourage her to come out more often but I get nervous and shy away from it most of the time and it gets frustrating and discouraging when I really enjoy it but I seem to not allow myself to take control often. I like to dom men and women. Well I’ve only been with one man. But I thoroughly enjoyed him being my sub/brat ect.

[Ti****]

You need to earn it

[ro****]

A lot of it is finding the right people, if you're a switch

[Sc****]

I'm naturally leaning towards sub. Id say communication is huge. And also, safe word and have fun with it 😁

[ho****]

Definitely the pick.of the right people. I think it may be a game of error small and learn as you go.

[Ly****]

This is a lot about fake-it-till-you-make-it. Of course you are insecure if you're lacking experience in this role. But you notice your insecurities way more than your subs do. You don't have to always be perfect to be attractive and you don't have to always be completely secure in your position to be a good domme. Your subs like you because you're attractive and because they like your energy and the things you will do to them. And all of these are attributes that belong to you and no one can take away from you. Go with the flow, do what you like and keep telling yourself that even though you don't feel confident, no one else knows that. And at one point, you'll actually be as confident as you seem

[StrangerG]

I think a lot of the anxiety from being dom comes from thatp voice saying "But what if they're not enjoying it". If you've ever been sub though, you'll know: the majority of the enjoyment comes from your dom using you for their enjoyment. So try and get used to leaning into that feeling rather than shying away from it.

You're not trying to do what your sub enjoys. Do what you enjoy. That's what your sub will enjoy.

If that makes sense.

[DarkArts1066]

The answer really, in one word, is ‘mindset’.

How you approach the role in that moment where a scene or situation is about to start.

Some of us have a naturally Dominant mindset from the get-go, but if you are a switch, you may find that you need to ‘psyche’ yourself into that role.

I was asked a couple of years ago to help a young lady develop herself as a Domme.
The process took time. Almost a year, -we met once, sometimes twice a week, but we got there, and she now works professionally on the South Coast in the U.K, having developed Her Dominant ‘Persona’.

She did have some Dominant traits to begin with, but She was very much a pleasure sub, and a people pleaser when we met, both in Her kink and private lives.

A few suggestions:

Some people find it easier to start in a roleplay environment. So design a scenario in which you are the Domme.
Focus on developing your Persona …
(She was Miss B.C. in Her private life, but when we were together She became ‘MISTRESS S) your ‘character’ if you like, until you are able to slide easily into Her shoes.

What’s her personality like?… how does she dress? … what excites Her, or turns Her on, and what is she prepared to do to satisfy her own needs ?

You must obviously consider the safety and the needs of your sub also !

BUT - If you are setting the stage, and taking control of the play, it may help to approach it a little like a book, or a film script.

It should have a start, (a prologue), a plot, in which you develop the ‘story’, and an ending -or epilogue. Never forget the ‘aftercare’ !.

In the end I can only draw upon my own experiences over thirty plus years, and my own research.

Read books.
There are many, many good books out there, which give examples of scenarios. Adapting them to suit yours and your partner subs needs is a good way to explore what works for you, and gives you a kind of ‘template’ to work to. (Tip: don’t follow the plot exactly with your own adaptation… you need to put your own spin on it!)

I try NOT to watch movies about kink and BDSM play, because they tend to over sensationalise in part… and in real life, you need to be constantly evaluating what you are doing with a sub.
Is it working for them ?… is what I am doing too much - or too little ?… can I push them a little harder (within their limits) ?… will they benefit from that ?

Find yourself an understanding sub.
Conversation is key here. Make sure that they know you are new and developing yourself. An experienced sub should be able to give you suggestions. Bad Dominants always ignore advice. Good ones always look for feedback.

Finally.

Have CONFIDENCE in what you do.

If you start a session with a plan, you know what is coming next!.
Take confidence from that knowledge.

The Domme that I helped to train ?…..
Most of that year was spent building Her confidence to use the tools I was teaching Her, because Her default was to ask whether what she was doing was ok, rather than knowing who She was.

You will get there, with time and patience. With confidence, you should be able to turn the Domme in you on and off almost at will.
Just believe in yourself, and enjoy what you do.

I’m happy to discuss any of the above in greater detail if you wish.

Good luck.

[Jassco]

Don't feel embarrassed about discussing each others fantasies find someone you feel comfortable with and have fun.

[ia****]

My personal advice of my journey and what worked for me. .. Be a submissive learn what you like and don't like about domination. Then watch how other couples do it. Take notes. Then find a switch who is cool with taking terns and offering constructive criticism. Recreate their scenes. Do it better. Do it hotter. Grow the confidence. And then learn to take control from the other person. Earn the respect.. now here's the really controversial part- after a lot of conversations about limits and goals with a lot of experienced submissives- take on a new sub that is semi inexperienced. Help them learn BDSM in a safe environment. Grow the confidence that you know what is best for them within their limits. Then take on a submissive that has more experience and likes things in a particular way. Learn how adaptable you are. Conquer it.

[Ba****]

Well real confidence comes with competence and you will grow more comfortable with time and experience

So focus on your “homework” for now and your problem will mostly solve itself

But pro tip for the inexperienced dom during play: blindfolds are your friend, if your partner can’t see then you checking your notes only builds anticipation

I can’t say much on the female part of it but there should be more qualified people to be found at events and clubs so looking around for new friends or even mentors shouldn’t hurt

[Mr****]

This is a communication issue. Confidence can be defined as your belief in your ability to meet the expectations of yourself and others.

So if you tell someone you are a Dom it's harder to be confident because you have given too little context which allows for a mismatch of expectations.

Where as if you were to say I am a new Dom, I have had 3 or 4 scenes mostly with women but I have had one male partner. I am still learning a lot about my Dom style and how to show up for my partners. I would love to keep scenes short and discuss them before hand while I am learning so that we can make sure everyone is comfortable. (Feel free to add more detail just didn't want to go on forever) That is something that feels much more achievable and so you will be more confident.

[no****]

Thank you all for the advice and support! 🙂😌taking notes and doing my research! 🖤

[st****]

Practice what one preaches, and it all begins with taking control of self through discipline. Like a fellow kinkster suggested, find the right people. Some may share wisdom, some experience. Try some daily affirmations, mirror talk and so on.

[re****]

13 years in this lifestyle as a sadist/primal sadist/pleasure sadist.

Start small and stop putting pressure on yourself to “be a Domme” the whole time. Confidence comes from practice, not perfection.
Pick one or two things you already enjoyed with your previous sub (commands, teasing, control of pace) and lean into those until they feel natural.
The nervousness is normal, a lot of us started shy. The fact that you already know you enjoy it is the important part. Keep giving that side of you short, low-stakes chances to come out and it will get easier.

[Ma****]

Don't even do it

[Wo****]

Can't become a Domme / Dom it comes naturally

[ey****]

OK, so. Don't *** it.  There's stuff which over time and play will grow your confidence and ease your nerves.

The next bit - this might sound harsh, but a lot depends also on the quality of the sub.  This doesn't mean they have to be super experienced themselves, but for them to be understanding of your position. That you enjoy it, you want to do it more, but are taking time to build confidence. 

Like a lot depends on what "being a Domme" means to you - but no one picked up (say) a flogger and knew how to use it for the best first time (or if they thought they did, it's not dominance, it's arrogance) and so also taking time to learn about things you want to do/try is valuable

The subs in this equation should be able to show patience, and also be supportive without trying to push you to their fantasies.

Also - any form of aftercare, or post-session social time - a lot of that is a two way thing. You can talk about what they liked and didn't like and use that to see if there's stuff you can learn from, while also reassuring you're doing things right.

[cellofello]

There are different ways in which to be a dominant. I use the term "topping" to describe the physical forms - bondage, flogging, etc. I think of being a master/mistress as the psychological forms - obeying commands, orgasm control, etc. Some people do only one or the other; others combine both.

For myself, I am a bondage slut - I love to be restrictively and inescapably bound and gagged. Of course, what my partner chooses to do with me once I'm in that *** position - oh, noes! :) But there was one special woman to whom I was truly psychologically submissive.

A good D/S relationship is just like good vanilla sex - both of you enjoy it. Find out what your prospective sub likes. Sometimes it might be something that you just don't feel comfortable doing, whether because you find it gross (e.g., brown showers) or you don't feel confident in your ability to do it safely (e.g., needle play or suspension). But assuming there's something you are OK with doing, you can think of how you can turn it to your own enjoyment. Even if it's not sexual - e.g., if your partner likes waxing, you can try to make pretty patterns on him with the candle drippings. But hopefully, you'll enjoy controlling his sensations and the reactions you get. Bondage is great for that - with a *** partner, you can tease and deny, and enjoy his growing need. And when your own need gets overwhelming, well ... he's all tied up and *** to resist, isn't he? :)

I do switch. For me, imagining the outcome of a scene helps me to get into the mood to start it. See if you can make that work for you in getting your dominant juices flowing.

[Mrx007]

Nice meeting you I think just be yourself don't think about this slaves and they know it and I think also that maybe the more important thing is that you turned on use slaves would feel it and they would love it