Insta-doms are a problem on this site, and many other BDSM online spaces

[AsipenseroftheMorn]

One of the most common experiences I have had on every BDSM related site I have been on is the Insta-Dom phenomena, and i want to talk (rant) about it.

I know that BDSM can be very sexual, and kinky, but most people, that I know of, don't actually enjoy jumping right into that stuff with a complete stranger, as it can be dangerous, uncomfortable, or not interesting. For me, personally, I hate it when "doms", usually men, read that I am a submissive/switch, and automatically assume they know what I want, and how I want to be treated. They never do, and they never take the time to learn those things unless I take the time to talk to them, which, mind you, should be one of the first things you do when vetting a new play partner. T A L K  to them, don't just jump into calling me names and ordering me around, that stuff enrages me, and it makes me want to block you, not cum. 

Now I'm not sure if Insta-Doms are a new thing in BDSM, if being online lets them feel safe being an asshole, or if they are people who are kinky, but have no desire to practice BDSM safely, with an emphasis on consent and mutual satisfaction, but from my personal experiences, they seem to view BDSM as a way to control and use women for their own sexual pleasure, and get away with it, because its "kinky", with little regard if she is actually into it or not. Too often I have had the first interaction with an insta-dom be something most would consider wildly inappropriate, borderline non-consensual. They jump into the kinky-sexy talk right away, ignoring any getting-to-know-you chats, consent, information that might affect play, safe words, limits, etc. They rarely take time to set any boundaries before jumping into a scenario that they don't even know if I want, assuming I'm into it, and going hard. When I was first starting out on BDSM friendly websites, I had not yet learned about the Insta-dom's existence, and so when they popped up in my inbox, with detailed *** fantasies and how they want to turn me into a blathering toy, I used to entertain them. Now I know better. I know that most insta-doms don't care that I am a person that exists outside of their desires, they don't care that they aren't what I want, or that we want different things (when I played with some, they commented on how dry I was, and like, yeah, this does nothing for me, you are only focusing on you, why on earth would an inconsiderate person turn me on?), they just see SUMISSIVE/SWITCH in my profile, and assume that I exist only to cater to their fantasies, and that because I'm submissive, I will automatically submit to them and their crappy practices. 

I've gotten better at recognizing an insta-dom, and deleting the convo before they can even get started, but I don't know how to get rid of them, or educate them on safe BDSM practices, when it's clear to me that they don't care about safety, and just assume my consent because of what my profile says.  They are bad kinksters and they are bad at BDSM, and the only way I can think to handle them online is to educate submissives (and others whom may have to deal with insta-anything) about what to look for in a good BDSM partner, that their consent and needs matter, and that someone who only sees you as an object before even knowing you is probably not someone you want around you. 

The insta-dom phenomena is not exclusive to Fetish.com, I have run into them on every single BDSM platform I have been on, and I don't see them going away anytime soon, but the least we could do is teach the people they are targeting that they are not practicing safe, or consensual, BDSM, and it is best to avoid and block them. Maybe once they realize their tactics aren't working anymore, they will make an effort to learn more about BDSM and consent. I doubt it, but here's to making the internet a better and safer place to meet doms. 

[UK****]

Sadly, two posts in a row in my news feed saying the same or similar :-( https://www.fetish.com/topic/25931-traditions/

[Faust40]

Completely agree with everything you have stated above! The best way is education but not for the insta-Dom’s as they just want satisfaction for themselves only. Been a real Dom is all about the satisfaction of said sub! You can only gain that by communicating and establishing trust and respect. The key word is respect!!

[Deleted Member]

Unfortunately, the online accessibility has created a phenomena where people feel safe trying whatever they want; because it's not real and can't hurt anyone. Bullshit.

Words are the most powerful tool in any walk of life.

Too many times I've seen people hurt because they trusted too easy, or because they fell for the persona and in the real, this person was disgusting.

In my experience, talking to someone and actually caring is something we are taught as children. I don't see why when sex is involved, it goes out the window.

People need to be better

[Je****]

Gurrrrl, if I knew where you were I'd hunt you down and hug you for every single point that I felt was bang on and relateable... if I did that I'd hug you and not let go for quite some time!!

This is such a common problem.  But sadly some Dom's / men (following with these as example for the sake of the post), think that signing up to a website like this, they can identify or portray whatever role they damn well please. It's easy to even call yourself a Dom, having minimal knowledge and coming in strong and heavy with the inappropriate comments, fantasies and just everything they'd be too chicken shit to actually say to a woman's face in RL.

(I think a lot of them get a kick out of even attempting to land a partner this way tbh), but they forget that as well as a dating site, this is ALSO a community. People don't leave here once they're paired with someone. They stay and learn, chat and contribute. And mostly look out for one another. So they come in here thinking everyone is as new and blind as they are to see what happens. They do not expect to be shot down and corrected straight off the bat and the 'macho ego' gets hurt.

 

The objectifying...my god don't even start me on that.

I am ALWAYS banging on about those who 'grace' my inbox with their slurs. I take some ok pictures, but I have also written over the last year a very detailed (or even at times minimal profile)... in both cases, nope, the profile description goes out the window, they focus on my photos and BAM in comes all the 'looks based' compliments, filth, insults, assume I'm a mistress and offer themselves entirely. Or just think they can rule over me and call me their pet slave or that I'll do whatever sexually pleases them because they gave themselves some kind of authority.. JUST NO.

For me, even down to how the person looks and even their wants/needs, they never ever match mine never mind D/S compability. I am detailed enough to list what I do and don't want but it is forever ignored. It gets very frustrating. 

Now it's got to a point where I'm like, you know what, I don't even think I have the energy to try and educate you, defend myself or just tell them to stand down. Because at the end of the day they do NOT care. Consent is non existant with these people and when you do tell someone you don't consent to being spoke to/ treated that way, all of a sudden you're a 'prude' or even some kind of 'whore'... 

Erm... No. I just respect myself enough to know I deserve better. Sadly I don't think there is going to ever be an easy solution to this. It will always be the case but most assume 'kink' has to involve sex and at the end of the day, we are kidding ourselves if we try to defend them saying they're not just looking a leg over. Being on a 'sex' site doesn't mean ownership, respect, trust and common fucking sense should go out the window. 

But hey, the good part of it is, you can weed them out thick and fast and when they don't get what they want they get bored and off they go. At least we can spot them and ignore/delete/block. I can also imagine some other women being new to the scene may not have any clue to these Dom's behaviour and think it's normal, but all we can do as a kink fam, is be there to suggest, guide, advise and just.. support people who are new or have had a bad experience so they can carry that on to the next and so on. 

 

(Again my post was Dom's / men for the sake of the original comment. I know this works both ways and there are some really great decent people out there). 

 

[Ch****]

Disagree about it being borderline non consentual, sounds absolutely non consentual.

[na****]

Totally agree. Love this post 💖

[Deleted Member]

ON POINT! You took the words right out of my brain. I can’t tell you how many unsolicited dick pics I’ve been sent by people who haven’t even said 20 words to me. How, in anyone’s mind, is that acceptable? What happened to respect? For yourself as well as the person receiving the unwelcome communication…

[sm****]

Sadly with the advent of the internet and more easier access and openess in the kink world, you get an abundance of both Insta Doms and Dommes, it's not just the kleenex brigade males wanting a quickie.   It's been a problem "like iv'e stated" in another similar thread for a very long time, since we joined the WWW.  Fakes of both sexes thinking if i type it or name myself it im a twuuuuuuuu Dom/Domme  It seems a lot of peopel just do not want to put any time or effort in to it and also look on members as an all i can get buffet.

How many times have we heard "fake" or "all they want is ***" threads.  It will never stop but we can curtail it a bit by just taking on the mindset of, if they can't be bothered to make an effort to communicate just block and move on.  So you don't have to put up with their bruised ego rants.

[AsipenseroftheMorn]

11 hours ago, smeagol said:

19 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

 

(Again my post was Dom's / men for the sake of the original comment. I know this works both ways and there are some really great decent people out there). 

 

 

Yeah, Most of my experience with insta-doms has been male focused, anyone can be an insta-dom, they all need to chill.

[Scarlettmiss25]

Wednesday at 05:22 PM, Nix069 said:

ON POINT! You took the words right out of my brain. I can’t tell you how many unsolicited dick pics I’ve been sent by people who haven’t even said 20 words to me. How, in anyone’s mind, is that acceptable? What happened to respect? For yourself as well as the person receiving the unwelcome communication…

I like to either reply to unsolicited dick pics with another penis or a nice brutal review. Those people tend to stop it immediately but I am 100% behind you its the dumbest thing to think that just because you are online doesn't mean it isn't basically the same as flashing your dick in public.

[Du****]

Beautifully expressed. I have the same experience with ‘Insta-subs’ - men who assume because I’m dominant, I will immediately enjoy reading about the explicit and often disgusting things they want to do to me, or for me, or have me do to them. NO. It’s every bit as absurd as thinking that because I’m a straight woman, I will automatically be attracted to every man I see. What a patently ridiculous notion that is.

Thank you for your efforts in educating these types. I rarely have the patience to send more than a very terse reply; however by refusing to tolerate such repulsive behaviour, I hope we can all raise standards for everyone else.

[CopperKnob]

Yesterday at 08:03 AM, DuchessFeuille said:

Beautifully expressed. I have the same experience with ‘Insta-subs’ - men who assume because I’m dominant, I will immediately enjoy reading about the explicit and often disgusting things they want to do to me, or for me, or have me do to them. NO. It’s every bit as absurd as thinking that because I’m a straight woman, I will automatically be attracted to every man I see. What a patently ridiculous notion that is.

Thank you for your efforts in educating these types. I rarely have the patience to send more than a very terse reply; however by refusing to tolerate such repulsive behaviour, I hope we can all raise standards for everyone else.

I'm a sub, I also get the male insta subs in my inbox asking if they can do x y z for me 😂

[Explorer1]

Well said,  reverse it anf we have Insta Gram Mistresses that jump right in anf ask within 5 minutes if im ready to serve them after using a few choice words! Oh yea then comes the tribute fee can never be the same widely different before "training" can begin! Oh thr what toys do you have and or you can just get them from my supplier! Then they migrate yo Fet, and quickly wanna talk better on HANGOUTS? SOUND familiar anyone????

[Du****]

2 minutes ago, Explorer1 said:

Well said,  reverse it anf we have Insta Gram Mistresses that jump right in anf ask within 5 minutes if im ready to serve them after using a few choice words! Oh yea then comes the tribute fee can never be the same widely different before "training" can begin! Oh thr what toys do you have and or you can just get them from my supplier! Then they migrate yo Fet, and quickly wanna talk better on HANGOUTS? SOUND familiar anyone????

That’s different - it’s an actual scam, as opposed to poor conduct.