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I need advice..I'm new


jilldo

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Posted

My husband and I just recently started enjoying some kinkier sex and I've been hinting to him that I want to be spanked, choked, hair pulled, etc. Last night he snuck a belt with a metal cinch into the playtime and choked me with it, which I enjoyed, except for at one point I tapped it and said ease up, to which he immediately did. Today I woke up and noticed a red carpet burn looking implant of the belt across my neck. I'm wondering if in the long run, was this a poorly chosen prop or did he exert too much pressure in the heat of the moment? What if next time he tries it, I'm already bored with it since it's like been there, done that, and it hurts his feelings if I say no thank you? To reiterate, I did very much enjoy the experience but I get bored easily. Also, today he shows me a gag, a blindfold and restraints he ordered for us and I said maybe not the gag, to which he replied I need the gag so you can't scream or tell me to stop when I tie you up and make you my fucktoy all night, which turned me on but then he started talking about it in length later on saying he'd fall asleep and I'd still be tied up. I said, you'll untie me if I want and he said oh, no I won't. How do I express my concerns with him without ruining it or hurting his feelings? I had no sex drive for 10 years and just got it back recently, I don't want to burn us out or ruin my self esteem. I was all turned on over the idea of it until he denied me a safe word or a say in whether or not I'm gagged 😞

TexasVikingKing
Posted
Safe word is an absolute. Do not take no for an answer.
The belt may have been poorly chosen in inexperienced hands.
Make a hard line for the experience. You will need to be untied if A B or C happens, the play needs to stop if X Y or Z happens. Set your limits and stick to them, no matter what, even if it upsets him.
Be honest. If it upsets him, that is fine. He needs to know, both to keep you safe and to keep the "fun" fun.
Look into clubs or something in your area that you can go to together and separately to learn and get ideas.
Hope this helps
Posted
There are many dangers when it comes to kink. Maybe suggest he reads up on SSC, RACK and PRICK, there’s lots of great info on this website and others and lots of info on the forum here too.
I agree with the previous reply that a safe word is absolute, you should always have one in place and you should also be able to negotiate what happens and be able to have hard limits.
Kink can be lots of fun if done safely and there’s many things you could explore to stop the boredom creeping in. I hope this helps.
TexasVikingKing
Posted
Also, you need to define what your safe word means.
Is it "stop what you're doing so we can discuss"? Is it everything stops and you're immediately let up/out?
It sounds to me like he's just over zealous and needs to relax a bit. He also needs to learn that being a dom is not solely about power. It's more about you trusting him enough to surrender control and trusting him to stop when needed. The belt could have gone horribly wrong, and unless he knows what to do if it does, I would recommend starting lighter. I've worked as an emt and seen what can happen in strangulation, granted it was non sexual and non consensual, but still. It can affect a lot of things in throat area if not done correctly. It can alter your voice permanently, it can give you breathing problems in future, etc.
What it really comes down to is talking to him and making him understand you are serious about your limits.
I know that's a repeat, but it cannot be stressed enough
Posted
I’m new to this world too, and I’m lucky because me and my partner do talk things over which is a must seams to me you dived straight into the deep end maybe take it a little slower and do more research ( that where I’m at )
Safe word is a must we have had one for years but might swap to the red light yellow light green light one I read about.
Do some more research I’m happy to share mine stay safe and have fun
Posted
Think you and your husband need to sit down and have a long open and honest conversation in which you talk about limits, boundaries, safe words, safety and other concerns.
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He needs to understand that things like tieing you up and leaving you like that while he sleeps are not only a serious concern, and highly dangerous but off the scale irresponsible too - what if the rope slipped and tightened round your neck when he was sleeping for example and you were unable to alert him? You need to express things in exactly those terms to make him understand.
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Now it could be that he was saying a lot of what he did to invoke fear without actually meaning to do any of them, but again it's irresponsible at worst, and likely to have the opposite of the desired effect.
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It's great that you're exploring, but it sounds to me like he's dived in at the deep end without knowledge and understanding so needs to take a step back and take things a lot slower as he builds that knowledge and gains experience.
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You should always go at the pace of the slowest person, and in this instance that's you and he needs to know and understand that.
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You don't have to hurt his feelings by expressing any of the above either, sit him down and tell him you need to talk things through, let him know how excited you are by what you're exploring together, but that you both need to learn to walk before you start running and need to put some rules in place around what you are doing - be blunt but be sensitive too.
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Good luck
Posted
If belt play is what he or you want to explore get a hobble belt it's made to do the job without the overwhelming fear of actual harm or nerve damage...even if the dom is experienced in belt play he/she/they should already know that a belt restraining is a nono
Posted

Thank you all for the time you put into responding. I'm going to talk to him about my concerns, already explained to him we can't use that belt again. In his defense, I do think he's just excited/overzealous since I spent 10 years uninterested in sex and am now expressing my desire for bondage/impact play, etc. I plan on gently letting him know my need to take things a bit slower, maybe start with a few restraints and the blindfold rather than both plus a gag for an extended amount of time/session. I'm sure it isn't his intention to actually hurt me, he's just excited lol we've been together 16 years and this newfound hunger on my part has really made us grow closer. I'm reading lots of important info on this site and appreciate everyone's time!

Posted
14 minutes ago, jilldo said:

Thank you all for the time you put into responding. I'm going to talk to him about my concerns, already explained to him we can't use that belt again. In his defense, I do think he's just excited/overzealous since I spent 10 years uninterested in sex and am now expressing my desire for bondage/impact play, etc. I plan on gently letting him know my need to take things a bit slower, maybe start with a few restraints and the blindfold rather than both plus a gag for an extended amount of time/session. I'm sure it isn't his intention to actually hurt me, he's just excited lol we've been together 16 years and this newfound hunger on my part has really made us grow closer. I'm reading lots of important info on this site and appreciate everyone's time!

Certainly from all you've said I don't think for a minute he's been deliberately or maliciously vicious or abusive in any way - as you suggest, it reads as if he's excited/over-zealous with a dose of naivety and inexperience thrown in, along with a lack of knowledge of the subject matter beyond the stereotypes.
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And to an extent it's understandable, especially given the circumstances you describe - however there is a responsibility on *both* your parts to address that.
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I may be wrong but it strikes me that you've had a conversation that went something along the lines of "Honey, I'd love you to dominate me and explore my submissive side" and immediately went full on Dom/sub without actually talking things through and agreeing boundaries/limits/desires/common areas of interest/how to grow knowledge and experience etc - and again that's understandable to an extent.
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Having learned that lesson however, as I suggested above now is the time to take a step back and have that discussion, and find those boundaries/limits/interests etc and then find out as much as you can on the subject.
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A good starting point I'd recommend would be to hunt down an on-line BDSM questionnaire, the kind that lists various elements/activities involving BDSM, and asks you to rate them in terms of interest. Complete it individually and then compare notes - this serves two purposes, it provides a framework of common interests for you to explore and gives you something to focus your learning on.
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Another suggestion would be to get along to local munches and kink events - not to play but to observe and interact with others.
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Also you say you have learned a lot from the site, why not get your husband to join too?

Posted

It was nice to hear you say you think he said those things to invoke fear but doesn't really intend to do them, maybe just trying to amp up excitement/anticipation. For some reason it almost hurt my feelings, but looking at it objectively he's always been sensitive to my needs in our relationship so I really have no reason to believe he's capable of malicious intent. I have no doubt that when I tell him to slow down he will, he's great at reading me and has already picked up on my discontent since mentioned convo. As far as him joining us here, I find it unlikely, unfortunately. Not much of a reader or socializer. Taking the BDSM quiz together sounds feasible and fun, tho. That's a great way to start up the convo abt what we're both comfortable with. I never used words like dom/sub, maso/sado to him, I guess we need alot of work on communicating our sexual desires and boundaries. I literally just used body language and subtle hints to start this, as well as telling him during to spank and choke me lol I see now how important it is to be very clear and communicative with this cuz I already done got my feelings hurt. 😅 so grateful to have this resource at my disposal, I can see how easily going in blind could damage a relationship ❤

Posted
Ah yes I can see the problem now - if you introduced these things "during", so they were very much spur of the moment, it's no surprise they didn't go quite as expected - whilst it's very easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment it's also very easy to do damage or cause upset as a result too (something I know to my own cost) - so taking that step back and discussing away from that heat is the way to go.
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Shame he wouldn't join, as I'm sure it would help a lot - maybe just give him this thread to read once you've had your talk, might help reinforce it.
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Either way sounds like you now have the tools to get things back on track at least - so good luck with that 😊
Posted
On 10/29/2022 at 4:22 AM, jilldo said:

My husband and I just recently started enjoying some kinkier sex and I've been hinting to him that I want to be spanked, choked, hair pulled, etc. Last night he snuck a belt with a metal cinch into the playtime and choked me with it, which I enjoyed, except for at one point I tapped it and said ease up, to which he immediately did. Today I woke up and noticed a red carpet burn looking implant of the belt across my neck. I'm wondering if in the long run, was this a poorly chosen prop or did he exert too much pressure in the heat of the moment? What if next time he tries it, I'm already bored with it since it's like been there, done that, and it hurts his feelings if I say no thank you? To reiterate, I did very much enjoy the experience but I get bored easily. Also, today he shows me a gag, a blindfold and restraints he ordered for us and I said maybe not the gag, to which he replied I need the gag so you can't scream or tell me to stop when I tie you up and make you my fucktoy all night, which turned me on but then he started talking about it in length later on saying he'd fall asleep and I'd still be tied up. I said, you'll untie me if I want and he said oh, no I won't. How do I express my concerns with him without ruining it or hurting his feelings? I had no sex drive for 10 years and just got it back recently, I don't want to burn us out or ruin my self esteem. I was all turned on over the idea of it until he denied me a safe word or a say in whether or not I'm gagged 😞

My apologies in advance, but play is all fun and games till someone gets hurts.

The goal of S&M or any type of play is fun. I get it...a little bit of fear is exciting and gets the juice flowing.

But if you are in  the Dominant/Top position you have to understand the difference between someone's genuine fear and someone needing abit of mental stimulation.

As others will have said, sit down and chat. Secondly, take things slowly. In my opinion, you may have trust within your everyday relationship. You need to build trust in the kinky part of your relationship - this is separate.

Lastly, with S&M, for me is about the slow buildup. With choking, I would always start with the hands as you have more control. 

It's very important that you have your safety strategies in place for when verbal communication is not available.

Posted

Welcome to the BDSM journey! My wife/sub and I have been living the lifestyle for a few years now. Im so glad we found it. My best advise is to keep strong communication going. You're learning this together. 

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