I hurt my husband and I'm not sure it was a bad thing

[VengeanceAngel]

Some background: I had a Dom before and he was vicious. I didn't know anything about anything at the time. Six years later, I manage to get away and meet my husband. Super vanilla, but I'd been badly harmed so we got together and I fell madly in love with him and how safe it was being with him. Nice and stable. Nothing unpredictable. 

Fast forward 20 years and we have a great family and he loves me so much and I love him. However, I've had pretty bad bouts of depression and effects from C-PTSD due to stress and bad coping skills for handling that stress. I realized what I was missing: the care and lack of responsibility so I could allow myself to submit willingly and without ***. So I spoke to him about it and immediately got shut down. Eventually I tried again. Soon, he realized I wasn't letting this go so he said he'd learn. He didn't. 

I begged him to get some books or talk to some Doms that I knew. He said he would be willing to do that. He read one chapter and didn't mean with anyone. 

We had an interaction where he tried and instead of what I expected, he called all the shots and I had no say in anything. I didn't even know he was trying to be kinky until he was kinky. There was no communication and I was not a part of any of it. I ended up trying to guide him through it, but he rebuffed my attempts to help him. Either way, it was just one more responsibility. 

I was trying to teach him how to teach me that he was safe to gift my submission to. It isn't possible because that stressed me out, too. 

And recently, I joined this site, told him about it, met someone kind who was more than willing to work with both of us to help once I told him that I wasn't interested in anything else and when I invited my husband, he said it sounded okay and that was it. No movement at all. So... today something happened and he said he'd take care of it. He didn't. I was already drowning in what I needed to do today and I ended up taking on something else because he just... didn't. 

I have even begged him to let me find a Dom for me. Non-sexual. Virtual. Anything. He acts like it's a betrayal because HE is going to do it. But he hasn't. So I told him I spoke to someone who gave me one order/request. I did it (super non-sexual). The response? "Good girl." And that was it. It was the most peace I've felt in years. And someone else gave that to me. So I told him that it was THAT simple. 

He hasn't spoken to me since. 

[Mi****]

Sounds like your forcing a lifestyle on to hun that he isn’t ready or wants. Yea it’s simple to say “Good girl” yet as we all know and you found out of heart and emotion isn’t behind the role than it’s not satisfying. You knew 20 years ago what he was. He’s not at fault here. And if you keep trying to make him into something he seems clearly NOT your going to loose him and the lifestyle you’ve made. If no compromise can be made what’s your next move?

[VengeanceAngel]

That's a good question. I'm not really sure. I won't lose him at all. I won't take the chance. I love him too much. But I'm hopeful that maybe we can find some sort of compromise while still being very clear that we're each other's #1. And he's definitely not at fault. I think if he'd told me it wasn't going to happen when I first brought it up, I wouldn't be so hurt. But he says he's going to do something and then doesn't follow through. That's what frustrates me. I kept telling him and still do that it's okay to not want what I'm asking. It's OK to tell me no. But he doesn't. 

 

I think I'll end up just giving up the lifestyle on a personal level and try and get him to have a little tiny bit of kinky fun once in awhile if I Have to. 

[Mi****]

I can understand how frustrating a broken promise can be. It seems that his love for you is making it hard to say no. This can cause more harm then good, perhaps an honest open conversation expressing each others opinions on the matter and maybe even partner research can help you guys reach a middle ground

[Deleted Member]

You're asking him to give you something he doesn't have. And you're asking him to open your (already well-established) relationship. You're asking for a lot. And, though he may want to give it to you, he may not be capable of being your Dom. That's a major change in your relationship dynamic. Rather than seeking advice on this forum, I would suggest marriage counseling.

[Deleted Member]

I understand your dilemma. The problem is, this topic does not fall within the premise of your relationship of husband. It be the same if you suddenly started smoking in front of everyone despite doing it secretly forever. its something that may be part of you for years, but for him its a surprise. Tread carefully and go slow because in this instance you both are going to feel extreme about it. You may have to realize that it could cost you the relationship because this may not be who he is. If you think the price is that high you have to weigh the consequences and determine what you are willing to live with. Its a real pickle, most of all just go slow.

[ge****]

Is it a case of trying to get him to run before he even knows how to walk, and you're maybe asking too much of him too soon? Especially if he's been completely vanilla until now?
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Perhaps turn things around and ask him what *he* fantasises about and would like to try and see if some commonality can be found there?
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His reluctance to proceed despite his promises is also something you need to try and get to the bottom of and understand - it could be he's really not interested, or it could be lack of confidence that he can fulfill your needs, or even *** of hurting you, especially given the past traumas or possibly even a combination of all that.
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It does sound though like some open and honest communication is needed to truly try and find a way forward.

[QXX666]

If that was a man post it would have been filled with name calling such as ***r, cheating b….rapist, breach of consent, bully etc…
Anyway your man is not made to be a Dom and nagging him will get even worse. Maybe he told you he will do it to keep the peace or hope you would forget about it…

[VengeanceAngel]

First off, I didn't want to hear any of this and I'm glad I did because I needed to hear it and what you have all said has helped me take a step back and look at the situation in a new way and I didn't like what I saw when I looked at myself. 

Second, if he chose to lie about what he was willing to do or not do, that's on him. He and I are both VERY big on taking personal responsibility for what we say and do. We never point fingers at someone else so with that, our communication is great. I tend to shy away from telling him things I want because it's me who struggles with telling him how I feel. I believe that his intention was always to follow up and do what he said, but he just never actually did it. He's a great guy and this is less about communication and more about follow through. 

Third, my choice was simple. I want him to be happy. I love him more than anything that I could want for myself and I told him so today.  Of course, his response was that he still wants to try because he knows that it will make me happy and I told him that HE makes me happy and I will always choose him over whatever lifestyle is out there. Being able to put everything into perspective made this so simple for me so thank you so much! I knew I could get some good answers and I did. I told him I was deleting my account but he asked me not to since there are some good things on here for us to read and learn from so that's the role we're both choosing to take on. It's a different adventure and journey, but at least it feels so good to be in it together. 

[Erebus]

I’m sorry I’m late to the party with my reply, I’m glad you have both been able to talk this out and both start to look at what it is you both want, there have been some really good suggestions here already.

One thing I’d add to all of the suggestions is this…. Kink doesn’t have to be sexual and he doesn’t have to be the worlds best Dom in the bedroom, there are some really simple things he can do that might give you what you need without having to change the life you’ve already built up together, one thing you could try is an old one but ask him how he’d feel about choosing your daily underwear as I don’t live with my current submissive she sends me pictures or three pairs of underwear each evening and I pick the pair I want her to wear the next day, it’s one way you can give over your submission to him! As you live together you could just lay three pairs on the bed for him to choose from? Hell sometimes I don’t like the choice of knickers my sub has sent me and I make her go without knickers the next day the same goes if she forgets to send the pictures, the knickers don’t have to be the worlds sexiest knickers either they can just be everyday knickers, it’s the act of him choosing them and your submission that is important here! If you and find this works for you both then you can try and find other non sexual ways of giving over your submission, you never know as he grows and hopefully he will grow you might find he becomes more and more dominant in other areas! The key for you both is to find ways of unlocking each other’s desires and traits.

I keep on saying this all too often here but the key to a successful relationship/dynamic is two way communication and needs, you both need to get something out of what you do i.e. you both have to have your needs met.

If you continue to do these two simple things then you will continue to have many happy years ahead.

I wish you both luck.