Jokes and tall Stories

[Ze****]

IMC

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
  He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
  She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends"

[Ze****]

God and women
  Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging Violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
  Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
  After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
  Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he as able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
  Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
  Poof! He was turned into a woman.  She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge

[Ze****]

A FEW THINGS TO THINK ABOUT....

 Can you cry under water?

 How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just ***ed?

 Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

 Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 What disease did cured ham actually have?

 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put *** in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

 Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

 If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 If Wiley E. Coyote had enough *** to buy all that ACME crud, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[Ze****]

The Irish

  One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

  Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

  'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and  unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

  'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'

  At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, And how long has it been since you played around?'

  With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed:

  'Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

[do****]

These are fucking hilarious 😂😂😂. Thanks for the chuckles

[Ze****]

thanks. I'll post a few each day. I have a few in my collection.

 

[PixieDust]

18 minutes ago, Zeus2512 said:

A FEW THINGS TO THINK ABOUT....

 Can you cry under water?

 How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just ***ed?

 Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

 Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 What disease did cured ham actually have?

 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put *** in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

 Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

 If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 If Wiley E. Coyote had enough *** to buy all that ACME crud, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

I love things like this, gets my brain ticking over 😍😍

[BS****]

😂🤣😂. Sounds about right!!! Does anyone know what that useless skin is at the end of a penis???? A man!!!!

[Bl****]

OK, you asked for it:
What does a loving couple in s boat and American beer have in common?

[Bl****]

1 minute ago, BlackFlogger said:

OK, you asked for it:
What does a loving couple in s boat and American beer have in common?

They're effing close to water! 🤣

[Ze****]

Garter Snakes are Dangerous ... please read

 

  Arden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes 

(Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, 

not rattlesnakes.  Here's why ... 
 
A couple in Baltimore, Maryland had a lot of potted plants.  During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing some of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream!  The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and  cold-nosed him on the behind.  He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendant rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.  About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the EMT saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor. He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

However while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.  The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.  The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.  They saw the *** man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again came out from under the sofa.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the d***s.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning d***s were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.  The firemen had started raising the fire  truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her. 

[Ze****]

An englishman In france

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.  The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
 
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread?"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't.  In France , we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 

"We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."

After a moment of silence, the Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do." he says with a big smirk. 

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away of course."

Englishman: "We don't.  In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

[Ze****]

Aids Warning 

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I love to see you smile.

[do****]

1 hour ago, Zeus2512 said:

An englishman In france

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.  The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
 
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread?"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't.  In France , we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 

"We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."

After a moment of silence, the Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do." he says with a big smirk. 

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away of course."

Englishman: "We don't.  In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

😂😂😂

[BS****]

1 hour ago, Zeus2512 said:

Aids Warning 

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I love to see you smile.

That last part is like the Serenity Prayer for comedians!!!😂

[Ze****]

50 Sheds Of Grey

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to the hardware store.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the ***?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You've got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[do****]

After several text exchanges and vetting, a submissive relinquished her phone number to a prospective Dom. During the first phone chat, the submissive asked the Dom what he did all day. “Ah nothing, just sat around and played with my Wee-Wee” he said. Slightly turned on the submissive changed the subject. The next day she asked the same question and received the same response. This continued for a week straight. The weekend rolls around and the submissive agreed to meet the Dom at his home for a dinner date. In person the submissive asked the Dom the same question, only this time the submissive thought she had the perfect response. So when he said, “Ah nothing, just sat around and played with my Wee-Wee”, she responded, “I want to play with your Wee-Wee too”. The Dom looked at her and said “Ok”. He let out a big whistle and said “Hey Wee-Wee, she wants to play with you too”. Out comes charging a 210 lb English Mastiff, leaps on the submissive and knocks her through the sheet rock wall and ***. Moral of the story. Be careful of what you ask for. She didn't know how to handle a Wee-Wee

[Ze****]

TWO WOLVES

  One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes inside people.
  He said, " My son, the battle is between two wolves" inside us. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
  The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, emphathy, generousity, truth, compassion and faith.
  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, " Which one wins? "
  The old Cherokee simply replied,  " The one you feed. "

[Ze****]

1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Joe's towing.

3. You get a free set of booster cables with every car purchase.

4. The hood has a special push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

6. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.

7. A tow truck follows you everywhere you go.

8. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."

[Ze****]

Fowl ending mourned by U.S. churchgoers

Saturday March 17, 02:20 AM

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A tiny church in rural Michigan will observe a moment of silence on Sunday to mourn the death of a valued member of the congregation -- a wild turkey that terrorised children but never missed a service.

Rev. James Huff said the turkey had become part of the regular Sunday service at Lamb United Methodist Church, greeting parishioners each week in the parking lot.

When he didn't show up for church last Sunday, churchgoers knew something was wrong, Huff said.

 

A local paper broke the news: the turkey, who had a predilection for chasing cars, had become road kill.

 

"It was kind of sad. Some people rejoiced, because he was a mean turkey. But he was also comical ... and he was so well-known, he drew a lot of recognition to the church," said Huff. "Every time there was a function, he was there."

 

The turkey arrived at the tiny crossroads of Lambs, near Port Huron in eastern Michigan, a little before Christmas and quickly made himself at home. He chased children who waited for school at a nearby bus stop, and spent Sunday mornings asleep on a parishioner's car while Huff delivered his sermon.

 

Huff has rewritten his sermon to reflect the death of the turkey, who, like the Biblical prodigal son, showed up and drew a lot of attention and was resented by some.

 

But the reverend said he'll be glad when the fuss is over. Local media have become obsessed with the turkey, and not everyone is thrilled Huff is commemorating his death.

 

"I'm a bit worried about what my bishop is going to say," said Huff. "It's become an albatross over my head."

[Ze****]

It's official, Craig Berthold is the new king of masturbation. In a stunning feat of endurance and determination, Craig Berthold achieved 36 orgasms in a 24 hour period!

Sleeping intermittently during the 24 hour marathon, Craig Berthold remained focused and aroused by his impressive library of pornographic films. With over 400 films in his library and 3 televisions playing movies at all times, he had a continuous stream of footage to aid him in his quest.

It is apparent by the massive development of the muscles in his forearm that Craig Berthold is not your average masturbator. In an interview with UJ reporters after the record setting event, Craig Berthold was quoted as saying, "masturbation for me is a way of life. I've been training for this day since I was 13 years old and I'm happy with my performance today".

This record was formerly held by German Student, Hans Blickstein who achieved 27 orgasms in a 24 hour period. Mr. Blickstein was not available for comment.

When asked what his next world record achievement would be, Craig Berthold said "my immediate goal is to get a bag of ice and some lotion on my penis to soothe the burning".

[do****]

4 hours ago, Zeus2512 said:

TWO WOLVES

  One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes inside people.
  He said, " My son, the battle is between two wolves" inside us. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
  The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, emphathy, generousity, truth, compassion and faith.
  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, " Which one wins? "
  The old Cherokee simply replied,  " The one you feed. "

Drop 🎤 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

[Ze****]

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[Ze****]

More Groans 2

 

 

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

A hangover is the wrath of g***s

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

[Ze****]

More Groans 2

Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

A hangover is the wrath of g***s

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'