How do you make a long distance BDSM relationship work? Raise your hand if this sounds familiar. You've met the perfect person - the Dominant to your submissive, the little to your Daddy or Mommy side, the masochist to your sadist. Hell, maybe they're all those things and more. But they live in another time zone, across the country, or on another continent.

Thanks to the online world, we have the ability to connect with people from across the world. We can find our our kinky soulmate, and they live so far away you wonder if you'll ever meet them in real life. Purely online hookups to deep, meaningful long distance relationships are made from these circumstances every day.

My own relationship began after a few blog comments turned to emails. Thankfully, we lived in the same state, but distance is distance. If you can't get to the other person without spending a lot of time or money, it's a long distance relationship. Add a need for Dominance and submission (D/s) or kink, and a difficult relationship is that much harder.

Keys To Making a Long Distance BDSM Relationship Work:


When you care about the person enough, sacrifices of time, sleep, and money are easy to make. The same is true in kinky relationships. Don't let anyone tell you long distance BDSM isn't possible. You just have to know a few tricks, workarounds, and absolute truths.

A Willingness to Communicate


Any long distance relationship is going to require a willingness to communicate. Long distance BDSM relationships require even more than you may realize. You're not just learning each others likes, dislikes, and habits. You're discovering the most intimate details of each other in order to make your kink work. Phone calls, text messages, emails, instant messenger, snail mail, and hell, maybe even smoke signals might be required. Get used to talking all the time.

Trust and Honesty


You earn trust by being honest and having integrity. That's just a rule of life. In kink, and especially when navigating long distance BDSM it's even more important. The wrong information, a white lie, or even a big fat whopper of lie could lead to someone getting physically hurt. Worse, when you can't see each other to watch facial expressions and body language, you only have words to build a trusting relationship. Trust is absolutely crucial to being willing to get your kink on with another person.

Doing What You Say You'll Do


how-make-long-distance-kink-work-2Long distance BDSM, especially D/s, only works because one person believes the other person is doing what they said they would. If your Dominant tells you to get naked and touch yourself, do it. In my own relationship, as a submissive, there were times I got in trouble for a missed task or bad attitude. My Dominant told me to kneel in the corner for a certain amount of time as punishment. Yes, I could have said I did it and watched TV instead, but that's not how kink should work. I took photos documenting the punishment - the corner, my knees after they were pressed against the carpet, whatever I could to show I'd done what I was told.

Kinky Ideas for Long Distance BDSM Relationships


Okay, so maybe you've already got the communication, trust, and integrity part down. You're waiting for me to give you concrete ideas on how to make long distance kink work, practically. Here are ideas straight from my own relationship:

  • Masturbate for your partner over the phone. Let them deny or force the orgasms. You might be edged - stopping just before your orgasm. You might have to beg for permission. You may have to keep making yourself orgasm until it's painful.

  • Masturbation in public places. Not completely public - the bathroom at work, a supply closet, sitting in your car. Either way, you may have your partner send pictures of their body or their wet, sticky hand.

  • Wearing an anal plug in public. Picture proof may be needed. Nipple clamps or rope harnesses are possible ideas, too. Anything that can be word under clothing so only you and your partner know.

  • Bedtime rituals. While my Dominant and I were still long distance, we spoke on the phone every night. Before hanging up, I asked permission to go to bed. Sometimes I was granted an orgasm or several - and sometimes not.

  • Spanking yourself, pinching nipples, clothespins on the skin - if you're into pain (giving or receiving), it can be done long distance. Sure, the receiver of the pain has to do it for themselves, but pictures, phone calls, or Skype can make sure the giver gets to revel in it, too.

  • Lots and lots of sexting. My Dominant and I played out many a kinky sexual fantasy through text message while we were apart. Dick pics and pussy shots were also common messages we sent back and forth, too.


For those in power exchanges, you can get your kink on by creating/following non-sexual tasks like clothing choices, underwear options (to wear or not to wear, that is the question), what to eat, when to sleep. If your kink is power and control, you can agree between the two of you where your partner will have/give up control over daily life. With trust and integrity, you don't have to be together to make that work.

Long distance relationships aren't easy. Long distance BDSM is even harder. But with a lot of trust and communication and some creative thinking, you can make it work until you're able to be together again.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.
Images by torbakhopper and Jonathan Rolande via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

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[…] forms of coded foreplay work best in long distance S&M relationships, situations where the frustration you both feel can be easily intensified. Writing a classified ad […]

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