Feeling Drained and Deflated After Unsuccessful Meetings

[Deleted Member]

I’m reaching out here because I could use some understanding from others who have been in this lifestyle for a while. Recently, I've had several meetups with submissives that, unfortunately, just didn’t go anywhere. It’s not that there was anything “wrong” with them or me per se; things just didn't click the way I’d hoped. I tried to stay optimistic, but each time it didn’t work out, I felt a little more drained and deflated.

After so many attempts, I'm starting to question if I’m doing something wrong or if I’m just unlucky. It's not just the effort of meeting and getting to know new people, but the mental investment, the hope that maybe this time it will lead somewhere meaningful. Each letdown just adds to this heavy, tired feeling that I can’t seem to shake.

I’m at the point where I’m honestly exhausted from the search. I know deep down that the right connection is out there, but right now, it feels like I’m chasing something I’ll never catch. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s gone through a similar phase. How did you handle it? Did you take a break, change your approach, or just push through?

Thanks for reading. Any words of advice or encouragement would mean a lot right now.

[Deleted Member]

as most things in life if it doesnt work then let the next follow. it’s a matter of connection and thats not something you get easily and most of the time other things get in the way. travel. work. family. unless you ask and take it as opportunity to grow then thats a different way to approach it. stressful times like right now generally also put people in low libido esp women (if thats your demographic) because we are on the verge of womens health going back to 1800s.

[Th****]

As a submissive that needs a personal connection for sex, it may not be how you approach them but just as simple as the vibe isn't there! I feel the same as you with have been searching so long and have had very few that would get far for actual play.
It could also just be timing! I personally stick to a strict schedule and don't do "quickies" so it's hard to find someone willing to work with not only my need for a lot of communication but understanding in I need time to get in the mood.
Everyone is different so someone may need a different approach or handling if you really like them :) but it's also ok to take a break and reevaluate what you need and can give!

[he****]

Munches, parties, and educational events are the best way to find your local kink community. I will say this however…. It’s a patience and perseverance game. Just continue your own personal development both as a person and a Dom/Top and eventually you will find the play partner or submissive you are looking for. Enjoy the journey:)

[0m****]

Agreed. I find so many subs misrepresent themselves - interests - turn ons / offs. I have become incredibly specific as to my interests and hard limits and ask all the hard and uncomfortable questions up front.

[In****]

I hear u brother. its sooo difficult to get past a text on a page these days. either its a ploy for an OF subscription or being catfish'd. or just no response

[Da****]

Yup, a lot of self-interested Tire kickers collectors or simple duds. There is an alternative, and mainstreamers have been doing it for a while. Simply bypass the neo women here OR go abroad meet and import what you cant find here. It seems to be the way.

[In****]

tru

[cr****]

As a sub I can understand the difficulties in finding the correct match. On paper the partner may sound great but in reality, there’s much to be desired. To have the quality of a consistent connection is so important not only in a D/s relationship but in human connection. As with any relationship you have to be open honest and forthcoming with desires and boundaries. There is a real person with a history and emotions that need to be navigated.
I myself try to be as open honest and nonjudgmental but can lead you into being very ***.
It’s hard,frustrating and draining. I say take a step back re-evaluate your idea of the relationship that you’re wanting but keep trying- the idea match will take work but I can only hope is out there.

[sardonicus87]

How much patience and persistence though? Because I've been persistent for 15 years now with nothing to show for it. I don't even get meetings. Moving is NOT an option, and distance is max ≈120 miles and further travel than that is also NOT an option.
.
There's literally nothing (for me) here, but based on what I am looking for, even if I could move, there's no guarantee that exists even in a major metropolitan area... so yeah, I don't even know why I still bother, all it does is make me feel further alienated, further alone, further unwanted, depressed, hopeless...

[he****]

Are you on fetlife?

[he****]

And where is Dothan?

[Deleted Member]

I feel this. I have had unsuccessful matches as well. In my case, i am looking to find a meaningful relationship or at least lasting connection with a dom. Ive had some meetups. Some followup meetups. Ultimately so far it has been finding the wrong people for me. It seems to go well, and then theres a bump and i am met with emotional immaturity. I have been through enough rocky relationships and have done the self work to not compromise on things like honesty, integrity, mutual respect, etc. It has been very disheartening. Like you, i really try to believe someone is out there for me, but i too find myself losing hope at times. Im starting to wonder if i attract the wrong people or give out the wrong vibe or maybe im seeking people that are wrong and im unaware of it. Its very frustrating. I cope with therapy and refocusing on myself, my friends, my hobbies. I hope things turn around for you! (And myself).

[sardonicus87]

Man I have been on Fetlife for since forever, and been to all the munches, even ran local munches and parties for a while, please do not try to give me any advice... I'm almost 40 years old and, again, been at this 15 years... other than "move somewhere else", there's not one shred of advice you could possibly give me I haven't heard or tried.
.
You can't find something that isn't there. Nothing I can do to make someone magically exist that shares my kinks. That person isn't out there anywhere near enough to me, not on any website.

[he****]

I will stop trying to help. Best of luck

[kn****]

I have had someone who was a perfect match for me tell me that I didn't know what I wanted. I spelled out honestly my feelings to the best of my abilities in my profile. She tells me I don't know what I want and was unwilling to meet me in person to get a sense of who I am. Because there are some things just words cannot convey. I still feel hurt. 😒

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, hellhoundswitch said:

Are you on fetlife?

Yes

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, sardonicus87 said:

How much patience and persistence though? Because I've been persistent for 15 years now with nothing to show for it. I don't even get meetings. Moving is NOT an option, and distance is max ≈120 miles and further travel than that is also NOT an option.
.
There's literally nothing (for me) here, but based on what I am looking for, even if I could move, there's no guarantee that exists even in a major metropolitan area... so yeah, I don't even know why I still bother, all it does is make me feel further alienated, further alone, further unwanted, depressed, hopeless...

That's exactly what I'm talking about, especially when you get to the verge of meeting or thinking "yes this one could be good", for it to end abruptly over just a simple thing. I feel for you mate.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, knoxville853745 said:

I have had someone who was a perfect match for me tell me that I didn't know what I wanted. I spelled out honestly my feelings to the best of my abilities in my profile. She tells me I don't know what I want and was unwilling to meet me in person to get a sense of who I am. Because there are some things just words cannot convey. I still feel hurt. 😒

Yes, that's the problem, sometimes I think that of the person just met me and had a face to face chat, she'd see what I was really like instead of assuming based on just words. It is frustrating. I had a girl a few weeks ago get upset by something I said because she got what I was saying all wrong, but didn't give me a chance to explain and refused to talk to me over the phone. I had spoken to her and met her previously, but she just flat out ended all communication. I was gutted because she was ideal.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, hellhoundswitch said:

And where is Dothan?

Dothan?

[Deleted Member]

My only take is, if it is difficult to translate an online chat into real life connection, skip the online and go to the munches, workshops and real life events. Other than that, I don't have anything to suggest that others haven't already mentioned.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, hellhoundswitch said:

I will stop trying to help. Best of luck

Your advice is very much appreciated, I will have a look on Fetlife at some local munches etc. Thanks.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, SirPhalanges said:

My only take is, if it is difficult to translate an online chat into real life connection, skip the online and go to the munches, workshops and real life events. Other than that, I don't have anything to suggest that others haven't already mentioned.

Thanks, I will certainly have a look

[ey****]

I feel you as I have been there myself and it is HARD

I feel sometimes the problem people find (and this is something which cannot be helped) is stuff like the emotional investment that's made and sometimes the stock put in to something going somewhere.

And yep; and that's just it that folk can meet up and there's nothing wrong with them or you, you just don't click or you're on different pages.  To be honest; it's sometimes best to stop there then try to *** something through which isn't going to work as one or both of you would end up in a situation you're unhappy with.

When you do hit that exhaustion, you need to take a little break yourself to get your own spark back.  Because otherwise your next interactions can be a little bit "what's the point" or feel like you're setting yourself up for let down again.   Take a little time to do something you enjoy away from kink until it feels right to come back.

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I feel you as I have been there myself and it is HARD

I feel sometimes the problem people find (and this is something which cannot be helped) is stuff like the emotional investment that's made and sometimes the stock put in to something going somewhere.

And yep; and that's just it that folk can meet up and there's nothing wrong with them or you, you just don't click or you're on different pages.  To be honest; it's sometimes best to stop there then try to *** something through which isn't going to work as one or both of you would end up in a situation you're unhappy with.

When you do hit that exhaustion, you need to take a little break yourself to get your own spark back.  Because otherwise your next interactions can be a little bit "what's the point" or feel like you're setting yourself up for let down again.   Take a little time to do something you enjoy away from kink until it feels right to come back.

Thanks for that advice, you put it perfectly, I'll certainly do that.