What’s the best way to find out if someone you’re interested in is into kink/fet?

[Mu****]

Direct communication saved everyone the stress and heartbreak.

[da****]

All these comments seem like good advice except for the jokingly "asking for a friend'
Definitely don't do that

[Yo****]

Just ask about any interest in fetish. I think it's that simple. No time to waste.

[Tr****]

I think the proper way is asking it when you guys talking about sex or intimidating. Or you can just ask after 1-2nd time after you both get used to each other. But if kink is a must for you, ask it directly. Every other way will bring you stress, wasted time, broken heart and possible other partners

[Ma****]

Just be like I like this what do you like

[da****]

Oh hey a comment of mine got deleted that's odd. We're all here commenting on this thread trying to spread a message from our lived experience, to try and spread our opinions and thoughts for others to ponder. People who read these messages will hear what we have to say from our perspective, and they will decide the best way for themself to go about these kinds of situations. It's odd to censor my perspective when I said that I agree with everything that everyone has said, except for one idea that I personally disagreed with. That seems like a positive way to spread ideas and discourse on this topic. But I suppose if you agree with most people and disagree with a select group of individuals, then your words shall be deleted. Nice going, moderators.

[FE****]

@dankierdankthe comment that got deleted was "What's fetlife like? "  This is completely off-topic and why it was removed.  We ask people to keep to the original topic of the post.

[jj****]

Ok but why was MY comment deleted then? I stayed on topic and you also removed mine.

[FE****]

@jjbeanbunLooking at the mod history for this thread I can't see that any of your comments have been removed.  Maybe it was from a different thread.

[ma****]

Just need to drop hints consistently until you feel like you’re in a position to have a convo about it

[bo****]

Just be straight and ask. You don't waste anybodies time and you don't look like you're trying to sneak things into the relationship.

It's all about honesty and being open regardless of if it's a kink relationship or vanilla.

[pu****]

Don’t do what some have suggested and “wait until you’re in bed and then introduce stuff slowly”. That’s actually a huge consent *** and red flag for anyone who is educated. You don’t have to manipulate them. Just be honest.

[Deleted Member]

Ask playfully how vanilla she is. She will either innocently not understand the question or smile at the question.

[Re****]

I don't know how, but I do bring it up in conversation, not during anything more. Even if it's just feeling out the situation, before dating. I've had it brought up to me after the second or third date, but nothing really super kinky. Not BDSM. Just porn, group sex, anal.

[Co****]

If this is something you need in a relationship you should bring it up when it becomes clear that the interaction is moving toward sex.

[TJ****]

I always just ask. If they’re kinky they are on board and you’re not gonna scare them away, if they are vanilla then it’ll be obvious and you’ll save yourself some time. After some texting I literally say “got any kinks?” Or for more obvious potential partners “So…tell me about your kinks”. Don’t be afraid to ask, fortune favors the bold.

[TheDarkKnight79]

You know, on the face of It, it sounds like a really stupid question, but it isn't really. It's actually a really great question.

Immediate BDSM talk is akin to guys sending random women photographs of their gentiles. "It's nice and everything, but what's the rush?"

My advice may deviate from everyone else as I'm a sapiosexual as well as a demisexual.

Not only am I attracted to intelligent women, but I also require there to be an emotional connection before a relationship can get off the starting grid.

If it's someone here (or the equivalent) it's obvious that they're kinky and open minded.

It gets a wee but more dicey if you're dating in the wild.

I treat both scenarios the same. I begin with respectful conversation. I ask questions, I answer questions. I get to know her, I allow her to get to know me.

Over time, a bond is established and trust is formed.

If it's a lady from the wild, I bring up the subject of BDSM and I gauge things from her reaction. Usually, our bond is such that she won't immediately dismiss the idea and she'll be open minded enough to ponder it and consider it.

If all goes well, you can guide her and you can take it from there.

Does that process take time? Yes. Such is the life of a Sapiosexual and demisexual Dominant....

[ey****]

This is one of the reasons why - in terms of online, sites like this popped up and why stuff like munches became and remain popular (even if they, themselves, are not hook up events) - that you know folk there are at least curious about kink, and asking most questions would not have negative results

Next up - generally more people are 'kinky' than numbers would suggest - even if they're not forthcoming about it.  Although in a lot of cases folk do not consider themselves to be, but could be open to some ideas.  It is not difficult to bring up the idea of cuffs, blind feathers, sensation play, etc with an intimate partner.   However asking someone on a first date if they'd peg you, maybe less appropriate (even if they hypothetically might)

So this is firstly a question to ask with yourself of what level you would be happy with.   

But yeah, I get it - you meet someone, you go on a few dates - it's great, you bring up a potential kink and the worst that can happen isn't that they're disgusted and walk out (unless, I guess, they're someone who you have to see daily) but that they're "that wouldn't be for me" but the date is still positive - because NOW you have to decide if you like this person enough to continue and just send any particular ideas to the long grass, or whether to use that as a nope to then look at other prospective partners.  But, y'know what - at least you know that's a no

Mind, y'know - as much as folk dunked on 50 Shades (often for good reasons) it got a lot of people talking about kinks in spaces they might not normally.  It's just a case of the right conversation time. 

[Ma****]

Just have an open conversation pretty much quick into the dating process. I'd say 2nd date. No time to waste. If they go away, their loss... Wasn't the right person. If they are not curious about it then it's not the right one for you.

[To****]

In general I look for the same innuendo responses from my partner or potential partner that I have myself. For example if I were to walk by my partner and give her a light tap on the butt and she responds with something like" spank me baby yeah" then I can start to think that maybe her responses are tending towards kink. On the other side of the equation your potential partner might also be trying to send you things to let you know they are in kink but are too afraid to chase you away if you are not. Things like being in the hardware store and mentioning how" I can think of a couple of uses for this rope", engaging her response if she's into kink and is trying to gently let you know she might respond with playful hints.

[rU****]

Ask if she’s in the lifestyle and go from there

[Ka****]

I bring sh*t up right away. If you're here to f**k, then as grown ups we should be ok enough to discuss our likes and dislikes before wasting peoples time. Personally, I like the forwardness of it all. I always tell people my lies and dislikes in the begining of the "situationship" or whatever you wanna call it. Hard enough finding someone just to have it go downhill bc your interested in different things

[Kr****]

Jokes. "Doc, my butt hurts" "where?" "right there at the entrance" "as long as you call it that way, it won't stop hurting"... If she is completely disgusted, you can tell there will probably never be anal stuff with her. If she laughs, she is in general someone fun to be around. Some women will say something like "If it hurts, you are doing it wrong".