Am I crazy for wanting Accountability as a non-negotiable boundary?

[th****]

Not trying to make this clickbait - this seems like an obvious no-brainer choice. I am feeling a bit gaslit, but I would also like a fresh perspective in case I am wrong.
I was talking to my friend and she said that my expectations are too high.

I am poly and neurodivergent. My fiancee is as well. We are both in our early thirties and we both absolutely love each other. We both had very rough and extremely traumatic childhoods but we've both made a commitment to actively work on healing through those experiences. My problem is with OTHER people.

In my late ***s, I kinda realized that my earlier traumatic experiences were not the norm and I was very messed up. I realized that I was letting trauma inform my reactions and it was disproportionate to actual situations.

I made five commitments:

1) I would not lash out at people because I was having a traumatic reaction. If I was triggered by something - I would ask for help calming down from my flight/fight response and not just throw insults/scream at people for me being triggered.

2) I would be accountable for my actions because even if I had good intentions, my actions may have negative consequences for someone else. I would hold other people to the same standard. Their intentions mattered to me - but they had to stand by their actions and the consequences of those actions.

3) I had to be ***/truthful about my feelings with the caveat that feelings are subject to change and they do not inform the truth of a situation.

4) My personal experiences are not universal. Not just my childhood, but in any situation it was possible that my experience may be an outlier/exception. It was my responsibility to check if my personal experience was common or not and see if the good/bad thing that happened to me was systemic or accidental.

5) If I was exposed to a negative pattern in my behavior - it was my responsibility to change the pattern. I could not be defensive about it. If I had trouble - I could ask for help, but I could not just claim "That's just how I am, take it or leave it!"

So these are five commitments I hold myself to and also expect from others. Now, I understand that people are in different parts of their journey to mental wellness and everyone struggles from time to time and everyone should be given grace - but it's the principle of atleast making a sustainable effort.
When I met my fiancee, what attracted us to each other was this commitment to being better than we were before.

What I have noticed in the friendships/relationships we've both individually made is that a lot of people aren't committed to being accountable and it makes us disengage pretty easily. It feels lonely.

Now my fiancee is mostly fine with it. She has let go of this girl she was emotionally bonded to as a very close friend and potential lover for not being accountable. In her words, "I only care about hanging out with someone if I enjoy their company more than I enjoy my own"

However, I am pretty extroverted and I enjoy spending time with people. It just feels frustrating that the last five recent important people in my life (this includes partners I have had besides my fiancee and very close friends) are people I had to give up on because they wouldn't be accountable.

So am I being crazy?

[Ki****]

You are NOT crazy just stay true to yourself

[Wi****]

Nope, everyone is allowed to have ultimatums and requirements for any relationship in their life. Friends, family, SO's, all of them. No one is exempt from who you want in your life, and you should never been obligated to bend your own rules for someone

[Deleted Member]

I feel like this is true. My daddy just let me go instead of addressing the growing emotional bond between us. People don't want to take accountability. I also want to say sorry for the childhood trauma you went through. I have also gone through the same.

[Ke****]

It is a difficult situation to be in, when you have white knuckles your way to emotional intelligence, and you have to witness people close to you who don't have the same level. It's liberating but lonely. Because without these skills we are ripe for being taken advantage of or manipulated, but with them we recognise those tactics a mile off, and when we highlight them then people can get defensive, distant, or disengage entirely.

The only answer is finding people who have done the work and are open to having deep heart to heart conversations.

I also recommend NVC (Non Violent Communication) methods for discussing these topics, as it helps people engage more easily.

Big love, Kez x

[La****]

I believe they were talking about having boundaries in a sexual situation what you will or won't do so that the other person has understand

[Fe****]

We have to set boundaries for ourselves. For those that have experienced trauma at young ages, there is an easier progression info trauma-bond relationships. This is not good for the mind, body, or soul.

You have the right to pick and choose who you associate yourself with and who you give your energy to. If someone thinks your expectations for peace and happiness are too high, there is the answer. No one should think they have that much power and control to nullify your boundaries and expectations for your life.

You attract what you are. So if you are expecting a dime then you need to be a dime. Don’t be a penny out here looking for a dime. Live what you desire and it will manifest. Sometimes in life we have to journey alone to see the real ones in our lives.

Let your light shine and it will attract what you need and desire!

[Ke****]

13 minutes ago, Lambie8888 said:

I believe they were talking about having boundaries in a sexual situation what you will or won't do so that the other person has understand

"includes friends and partners", not only sexual

[Rinder]

I, too, have deal breakers. But if your relationships are nothing but litmus tests for deal breakers then its kinda entrapment. Try some forgiveness, and if that isn't appropriate then maybe you're just on a bad streak. But you can not hold the rest of the world up to the same candle as you hold yourself to. You're idea of what a person should and shouldn't be is not everyone elses.

I bet you are very hard on yourself, your own biggest critic and worst enemy. High standards. Thats fine if you can make it healthy, but i dont know if you're walking the path you think you are. But you're askimg the right questions I think.

[th****]

1 hour ago, Lambie8888 said:

I believe they were talking about having boundaries in a sexual situation what you will or won't do so that the other person has understand

I never mentioned sex. I was talking about people in general. Also I am talking about my own boundaries.

Why would I have problems with other people's boundaries with sex? It's not my business.

[Ni****]

Your friend is right. You expect others to meet the standards you set for yourself, but those are your rules, not theirs. You can and should set boundaries, and en*** them, but that's not accountability. Boundaries are what you set to protect yourself and you en*** them by cutting ties with someone who does not respect them. Accountability is something another person requests of you; it is not something you set for them. Boundaries and accountability are two different things and you need to learn to discern the difference. Set boundaries as the bare minimum you're willing to put up with to have these side romantic relationships you want to have, and if they cross a boundary then move on. It's that simple. There's no need to bring accountability into it.

[Ta****]

1 hour ago, Rinder said:

I, too, have deal breakers. But if your relationships are nothing but litmus tests for deal breakers then its kinda entrapment. Try some forgiveness, and if that isn't appropriate then maybe you're just on a bad streak. But you can not hold the rest of the world up to the same candle as you hold yourself to. You're idea of what a person should and shouldn't be is not everyone elses.

I bet you are very hard on yourself, your own biggest critic and worst enemy. High standards. Thats fine if you can make it healthy, but i dont know if you're walking the path you think you are. But you're askimg the right questions I think.

I think accountability is not a high standard at all. It's just maturity. Just because so many people are *** running away from accountabilty does not mean OP is in the wrong for wanting actual adults in his inner circle.

[th****]

2 hours ago, KezBitten said:

It is a difficult situation to be in, when you have white knuckles your way to emotional intelligence, and you have to witness people close to you who don't have the same level. It's liberating but lonely. Because without these skills we are ripe for being taken advantage of or manipulated, but with them we recognise those tactics a mile off, and when we highlight them then people can get defensive, distant, or disengage entirely.

The only answer is finding people who have done the work and are open to having deep heart to heart conversations.

I also recommend NVC (Non Violent Communication) methods for discussing these topics, as it helps people engage more easily.

Big love, Kez x

Hi! Thank you for your kind words!
I wanted to ask you more about NVC and what sort of resources I should look for on the subject?

[Rinder]

Agreed, but my insight says that there are multiple vectors that are falling under " accountability " . And i think I gave plenty of room for the possibility that this is just a series of bad inclinations and circumstances, its not judgement. I just see a lot of my own issues in the OP, and i do not know if it is a similarity based in circumstances or perspective. And accountability? Come the F on. How many people do you know that are even capable of understanding "accountability " these days. I'm just suggesting a second view of these situations that are realistic. And yes, I am all for boundaries, ethical standards, and even deal breakers. But if i remember correctly, the question posited was " is it too much to ask?" Unfortunately in most human interactions, it IS too much. I'm not going to go into why, because that would be flamable. The hard truth is the world and its inhabitants do not bend to us, we bend to the world. And in any good relationship, you meet half-way. If you cannot do that.... you end up in a really bad place i once called home.

[th****]

49 minutes ago, NimbleSorcery said:

Your friend is right. You expect others to meet the standards you set for yourself, but those are your rules, not theirs. You can and should set boundaries, and en*** them, but that's not accountability. Boundaries are what you set to protect yourself and you en*** them by cutting ties with someone who does not respect them. Accountability is something another person requests of you; it is not something you set for them. Boundaries and accountability are two different things and you need to learn to discern the difference. Set boundaries as the bare minimum you're willing to put up with to have these side romantic relationships you want to have, and if they cross a boundary then move on. It's that simple. There's no need to bring accountability into it.

... what?
You can demand accountability from people and you should?

If you don't demand people to be accountable for their actions, people can abandon any personal responsibility. It's a festering ground for *** and exploitation otherwise.

You're talking like you've never met people who don't own their actions or try to act like the consequences of their actions shouldn't apply to them.

[th****]

47 minutes ago, TaliX said:

I think accountability is not a high standard at all. It's just maturity. Just because so many people are *** running away from accountabilty does not mean OP is in the wrong for wanting actual adults in his inner circle.

I am genuinely really confused by what a lot of other people are saying

I treat people the way I want to be treated. I give them the same grace I give myself. I can't understand why it would be controversial to expect others to treat me with the same respect I would give them?

[Ni****]

37 minutes ago, theaetistblue said:

... what?
You can demand accountability from people and you should?

If you don't demand people to be accountable for their actions, people can abandon any personal responsibility. It's a festering ground for *** and exploitation otherwise.

You're talking like you've never met people who don't own their actions or try to act like the consequences of their actions shouldn't apply to them.

I have met people who don't own their actions and that's fine. It's not my privilege or responsibility to hold anyone accountable for their actions. If they did something criminal then other people in authority can pursue accountability. If they don't respect my boundaries then I dont fk with them anymore. It's not my job to *** people to act the way I want them to. But look, you've been extremely vague about what you want to make people accountable for, so why don't you give us an example of someone who hurt you and how you made them accountable.

[Ta****]

2 hours ago, NimbleSorcery said:

I have met people who don't own their actions and that's fine. It's not my privilege or responsibility to hold anyone accountable for their actions. If they did something criminal then other people in authority can pursue accountability. If they don't respect my boundaries then I dont fk with them anymore. It's not my job to *** people to act the way I want them to. But look, you've been extremely vague about what you want to make people accountable for, so why don't you give us an example of someone who hurt you and how you made them accountable.

You seem triggered by the general question, so OP needs to open his personal business so you can fire on target?

[Pr****]

I don't think it's unreasonable to make have you or your partners take accountability for good or bad actions sadly not everyone can admit to when they are right or wrong I know for myself I also have a very hard time communicating my feelings / thoughts so I fo tend to lash out or get frustrated a lot and I'm trying to make better choice but all you can do is keep searching for that partner / pereon who will hold themselves or both of you accountable for actions made but I wish you both nothing but the best in finding that person/ people who can give you that 😁

[Ni****]

I'll give you a quick personal example from my own life. There's a person in this very discussion who I can't possibly see ever having a fruitful discussion with. She engages in what I consider pointless attacks, to antagonize a person by essentially using the equivalent of "you mad bro?" to manipulate a person's emotions. I don't fk with people like that. Just because I may disagree with your position on something doesn't mean I want you to become upset and I'm not going to say things for the sake of antagonizing. So I blocked her. That's the consequence of a boundary I set. She didn't know about the boundary but I en***d it none-the-less. If I wanted to hold her accountable for her emotional manipulation I could have replied to her, but that's not going to change anything, and that's part of the point I'm making to you. Holding adults you barely know accountable, especially when they didn't ask for it, is fruitless. Of course there are nuances to this as it pertains to your close relationships, but within the context of what you provided, which is a very vague idea of side pieces not meeting your standards for behavior, there's nothing beneficial in "holding them accountable". Your friend told you this, and you came here to see if people agreed with her or you. I and others here agreed with your friend. Some people say your friend is wrong. If you want to talk more about it then feel free to engage. If you just wanted an option about what side people fall on and you're not interested in reconsidering your point of view, well then you have my two cents.

[ey****]

I guess one thing that confuses me a little.  Like, wanting people to be accountable is fair, it's basic.

But you are saying you are disengaging with many people in it's feeling loney - how are you struggling to find people who are accountable?  Is your view different here to what is reasonable?

[Deleted Member]

It sounds like you’re navigating a tough balance between holding yourself accountable and expecting the same from others. I completely understand why you’d feel frustrated—when you’ve done the work to recognize your trauma, heal, and commit to being better, it’s natural to want people around you to do the same. I went through a similar phase where my own high standards felt protective, but they also isolated me. I eventually realized that I was setting the bar so high that no one, including myself, could meet it. It wasn’t that accountability was wrong; it was that I equated accountability with perfection, and that wasn’t fair to anyone, including me.

My own motto is that I am not meant for everyone, and that’s okay. It took me a while to get to that place because, honestly, it’s lonely sometimes. But I also know I can’t imagine accepting things just for the sake of being with someone or keeping people around. It’s not about lowering standards, but about finding a balance between holding space for people’s humanity and honoring your own values. You deserve connections that feel aligned, but maybe it’s about allowing some room for growth and mistakes without immediately disengaging. You’re not crazy for wanting accountability—it’s just worth considering whether your current approach is serving you or making you feel more alone.

[sardonicus87]

This is a big reason there's nobody in my life (among many others). Most people these days aren't adults, they're weak af ch*ldren masquerading as adults, nobody has their shit together and nobody takes responsibility or cares about anything or anyone beyond themselves. People have become super transactional, they pick their "friends" based on what they can do for them or what they can get out of them.
.
Yes, perfectly fine to demand people have accountability if they want in your life and you absolute should demand it... but it's going to be lonely with far and few between who actually has any.

[Deleted Member]

It sounds fairly reasonable. 🤷‍♂️

[ju****]

I now have a list of relationship non-negotiables. Even in a casual situation there are some things that are non-negotiable, and if people can’t give that then there’s the door, bye. Wanting people to take accountability for their actions sounds completely fair.