Dominance and submission: What i need vs. a partners expectations.

[PL****]

I’ve been thinking about what I actually want from a dominant partner, whether that’s a man or a woman. I don’t just want someone comfortable taking the lead—I want someone who enjoys being direct and demanding, who can tell me what they want without leaving me to guess. But that confidence needs to come with attention and accountability. Being submissive doesn’t mean I have nothing to say.
For me, trust is what makes that dynamic meaningful. I want room to be soft without being overlooked, and to follow without having to manage the person who’s supposed to be leading. Firmness and care aren’t opposites, and I don’t want to have to choose between them.
I’m curious how others experience this:
What makes someone’s dominance feel genuine to you rather than like they’re playing a part?
How do you distinguish being demanding from simply being controlling?
For those who lead, how do you communicate your expectations while making room for your partner’s needs and boundaries?
For those who follow, what lets you stop second-guessing and genuinely trust someone’s direction?

[dt****]

ChatGPT a mile away. Still valid. I just see more and more of it.

[PL****]

5 minutes ago, dt13 said:

ChatGPT a mile away. Still valid. I just see more and more of it.

This was not chat got this was me. So do not make such claims. I actually write well and have an education. I wrote what was on my mind and the questions I have. If you have nothing productive to add, then please do not comment on my posts at all.

[PL****]

*GPT

[Fi****]

Part of the complexity of this subject, there is no such a thing as “normal” when it comes to BDSM. For example, you can have a dynamic were power is shared between the sides involved, taking turns. You can also have a dynamic which is a polar opposite of that. There are few basic principles that have to be met. First, whatever the arrangement is, it needs to work for both sides. There is no way round communication for this part. Other essential parts are mutual respect, consent and care. These can take unusual forms, again, whatever works for all sides, but they always have to be there.
As a submissive, it is important you are able to express yourself, your limits and your boundaries. This does not necessarily mean you will be leading. It is possible to do all of the above and maintain the power hierarchy, more so before this hirarchy been agreed.
Beyond the basics, my expectations for the Dom role is being able to lead, have a vision for what they want the interaction to be like, and have the skills to realise this vision with the submissive. This is where the milage might vary from one dynamic to another though.

[sp****]

To follow without having to manage the person who’s supposed to be leading. Firmness and care aren’t opposites 🎤📉

[Law0126]

As with most things communication is the key. That is why I do not support people who jump into a dynamic. It takes time. The trust, the communication, the time to learn who you partner is and what they want. Those all come before the submission. You should learn quickly, do they ask questions? Are they learning about me as a whole human being not just the fun stuff.
There are ways a Dominant can be in complete control and still give you some choice in how things go.
While they are not expected to be mind readers they should know you well enough to read you. To be in tune with you.
In short the better you know someone and they know you the better things go.

[No****]

This is a great topic for discussion.
I am a Trainer. I assess my subject. I learn them and I respect them as living creatures. We perform routine check-ins bc I expect my subject to evolve and become who I’m training them to be.
The schedule of check-ins depend on the subject. Some enjoy to endure longer than others. It serves me well to ensure my subjects needs are being met and they feel safe in my care.

Understanding a D/s dynamic is not one sided and power exchanges thrive when both parties are satiated.

For newbies: discovering what genre of Domme/Dom will make your selection process easier and more successful. There is no such thing as a “One Size Fits All” Domme/Dom

For example: I’m strict, I create structure and demand order. My punishments are hard and harsh, as are my rewards. My subjects need to want structure, ***, and enjoy challenges. Be comfortable and open to growth, enjoy praises, and be intelligent and clever.

[PL****]

I would love to hear more personal experiences on these questions. I love that each who have responded have made generalizations in the right direction, however, its what I tend to see throughout responses in most posts similar to this. A generalization is great, but it doesn't give me true perspective which is what I wish to gain from this post.

[FA****]

If you can't communicate, try to fix what's not working and then repeat until communication is dead. Now I am funny about it and I do grunt and groan at her sometimes but we have the understanding that I don't have to ask, anything goes. I was running a knife blade all over her the other night. Generally I am not friendly and I am a true sadist, she is bruised all over and it's been awhile for her since going back to this but she is a high level masochist just out of practice. I have complete contol but she is allowed while interaction to reach wherever she can and rip her nails and teeth till I bleed but she hasn't made me bleed since we changed a few things up because I become feral seeing my own ***. This is something most will not do but it's special for us so. We have an understanding what is allowed and what isn't abs like anal is the mood is right and I can do things that most Doms can't because she used to be mine full time slave and the only time she didn't call me sir was in front of the kids. Now it's more of a bedroom thing with things and toys I like to bring in.

[FA****]

I like a much looser style now but when I want something is mine and I will drag someone down a hall way and not enjoy every second. The one question I used to get was how do I justify what I do as I used to do scarification with a former person years ago. So you first find what your looking for. Like I have no use for someone that doesn't like *** at least a little bit. I don't really do d/s side of things right now but the S&M is what I have been doing for over 20 years off and on. My favorite tool for impact is a Singapore Cane, like between 4 1/2-5' long and I can whip it like a bamboo whip breaking skin. So right now I am primarily bedroom but she is a great brat and I love to break the will of a brat, overpower, then you have to know how to melt a bratty bad girl, this is were their is complete obedience and she will do what I say or I would punish, firm and the last time she wasn't allowed to cum till she had permission and she failed the first time and then got very very close before she couldn't stop herself so I made her cum over and over till I couldn't touch her body anywhere and she still had vib. So we are very sexual for now, it will probably stay that way for now. We are into breathe play, I have a fuck ton of expertise and experience with that. I talk to her in a calm and firm voice when I am telling her to open her eyes as I need to see when her eyes start to roll back but I do push her to just out then you let go and she takes a huge huge deep breathe and you can see it in her eyes that she likes pushing the envelope with the breath but until I can have her keep her eyes open especially with going basic pass out. For those that don't know when your body goes limp and you go out it's your body shutting off all systems that are not needed to keep it alive then sends most the oxygen to the brain. So it's safe but ensure that you are cpr trained so you know what your doing.

[Ma****]

I’d be much more drawn to a woman who can be clear about what she wants and still laugh at herself than one trying to sound permanently intimidating. I’m curious about submission, but I want to like the person I’m talking to when neither of us is playing a role. That ordinary conversation would matter a lot to me.