It can be tough being a good dom, living up to the fantasy and truly satisfying your sub. We take a look at what it means to be a bad dom and how to avoid it.

Have you ever wondered whether you're being a good dom? Are you living up to the expectations of your submissive? A little while ago, I was planning a trip to visit a partner who lives in another city. I'm not very good at planning; I get into a sort of analysis-paralysis state where I stress about whether I'm making the optimal choices.

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Being a good dom is like being a swan

I kept wondering which time would be most convenient for my partner, which location would be easiest for them to get to. I kept going back and forth and back and forth between options, unable to make up my mind. And then I suddenly said to myself: hang on a minute. I'm the dominant partner, explicitly setting up a scene. My partner is the sub here. Not only do I not have to worry about what this person likes, my not doing so is the whole idea. So I laughed and booked my tickets, sent my sub a message with instructions on where to go and what to do. And I felt pretty silly for having wasted all those hours.

Now, obviously, the specific details of my relationship are peculiar to that relationship, but I think this is an excellent example of a general principle. A lot of the time, being a good dom is a little bit like being a swan—everything looks smooth and serene about the water, while below the surface flappy little legs are paddling like mad to stay on course. When your kink is based on projecting infallible authority, you don't want to let people see how much you worry.


Being a good dom
Being a good dom has nothing to do with being the 'fantasy dom'.


Am I a douchebag dom?

You've met this guy, right? I think everyone who spends time in the BDSM community has. He's living the dream, and he's utterly convinced he deserves it. Or rather he isn't because if he were, he wouldn't feel the need to tell you about it. But he (and it is almost always a he) does.

He drops references to armbinders into a conversation about normal clothes. He doesn't capitalise his girlfriend's name on Facebook and just can't wait for people to ask why. Moreover, he talks about scene stuff at lunch because he thinks it makes him sound impressive. In the end, he's insufferable, and he's definitely not being a good dom. 


The dom and sub relationship

Any relationship between a dom and a sub is within the context of a partnership. You can dominate this person because they invite you to. That's great, and you should be happy, but it doesn't give you grounds to pop off. But somehow the bad dom doesn't see this.

He thinks that being dominant sexually makes him great (which makes you wonder what he thinks about a sub). And it might not necessarily be about the douchebag dom's ego. Maybe they are just excited about their relationship. Unfortunately, that means we're all at risk of being that person, and we cringe every time we think about it.


Why can't I live up to fantasy dom?

Tied in with the idea that you have to earn your dom role is the idea that you have to be in perfect control at all times. After all, the whole idea is that control of your sub is sexy, right? But not all of us are naturally gifted that way. That's why a lot of us have this dread in the back of our minds that we're going to screw it up. For example, we're worried that we'll drop the handcuff key or self-inflict a belt injury. We're afraid we'll become a laughing stock.

It doesn't help that the omnicompetent dom is part of the appeal. Fantasy-dom doesn't snarl something unintentionally ridiculous in the ear of your sub because he lost his train of thought and forgot what he was saying. But a real dom does.

The beautiful thing about this worry is that sooner or later everyone gets cured of it. When you eventually do something ridiculous, and you both have a good laugh about it. And then you put a sub in their place. As a result, you'll feel pretty great about it afterwards. Additionally, it might even be a cure for being a bad dom.

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