What's it Like Being a Female Rope Top?

Continuing March's theme of Women's Month, we ask, 'is being a rigger – or rope top – only a men’s game'? Well, of course not, argues writer Stella Harris. She talks to female rope bondage tops about their experiences, perceptions and assumptions of gender roles.  

The prevailing norm in public play is men in the top or Dominant role while women are expected to be the bottoms or the submissives. However, the women that I spoke to have their own take on gender roles and of misconceptions surrounding female riggers.

“In private, I don't believe there is any real difference between a female or male rope top,” explains The Soulless Ginger. “The practice of Shibari itself is very personal and individual. In its simplest form, Shibari is a top, a bottom, and the rope. Any variables in dynamic, roles, intentions, participants, gender etc. only matter to the individuals involved.”

“It's not until we enter the public arena that these factors outside of ourselves begin to have relevance. Then we're dealing with normative social influence. Males make up the majority of tops in both the BDSM and Rope communities, and this lends itself to the perception of patriarchy and gender bias.”

Women as owned objects: from fashion to porn

The discourse on women as public property is wide and varied – and is no different in rope bondage. Because kink is just another slice of society, this attitude bleeds into the scene. And it doesn't only come up when women are dominating men in scenes involving rope bondage. Many venues and parties have to stress only touching with consent, and even with this listed in the party rules and sometimes posted on the walls, men need reminding.
 

“The nature of rope bondage is that it requires close, intimate contact and attention to detail. Skills that are typically attributed to women.”

“Being a female rope top is hard, and if one more person makes a joke about how that's because we do it in high heels and corsets I'll scream,” says CindyLouWho. “Rigging in those things is hard, but what's really hard about being a female rope top is how no one takes you seriously. It seems that no matter what you do, people assume you're there to get naked.”
 

Female rope bondage: inappropriate assumptions

I was once playing with a male partner who was also a switch: we did a rope bondage scene in the main room where I was stripped down to panties in the bondage stocks, and he was flogging me. We had a small, respectful audience.

A little later that evening I had him tied to the interrogation chair, and as we were beginning our scene, a man came into the room, put his hand on my hip and said: “I liked it better when you were naked.” What would make him feel like that was appropriate?

All of us who frequent and create sex-positive spaces need to recognize that merely calling something a safe space doesn’t make it so. Party organizers, Dungeon Monitors, and members of the community all need to be aware of the prevalence of this behavior and work to prevent it before any more players are made to feel unwelcome. It shouldn’t be our job to educate the ignorant one person at a time, but if we don’t do it, who will?

The rope bondage community is diverse

We can all learn from each other if there are a variety of voices to be heard. But if we let things distill down to ‘one true way’ of thinking, there will be no new ideas put forward. But it’s not all gloom and doom. The Soulless Ginger also notes: “Honestly, I haven't experienced any of that [bias] first hand as a female rope top. If anything, those gender biases have been to my advantage and helped to create more opportunities for myself and my partner to perform and present in the public scene.”

“Males make up the majority of tops in both the BDSM and Rope communities, and this lends itself to the perception of patriarchy and gender bias.”

“My journey in rope bondage has been facilitated by the over-arching perceptions of a female's role in Shibari both as a bottom and a top. Are there challenges and benefits of being a female rope top? Yes. Do they matter? Only in the way we let them.”
 

Rope bondage is perfect for women dominating men

If as women dominating men, we’re looked at as a novelty, we can use that attention to our advantage and work to change minds. Even if the initial interest comes from less than ideal motivation, in the end, those watching may see that women can be just as skilled as men. Maybe even more so. The nature of rope bondage is that it requires close, intimate contact and attention to detail. Skills that are typically attributed to women. So even those with a gender bias should lose their own argument. 

I'm contrary by nature and being told I can’t do something is great motivation. I find myself eager to improve my rope bondage skills and tie in public as much to buck the norm as for my own pleasure. •

Stella Harris is an author, educator, and coach who focuses on sex, kink, and intimacy. Through her writing and teaching, she explores the complex world of love and lust and strives to help people explore their sexuality safely and free of shame. 

Where have you encountered sexism and misconceptions about gender roles on the kink scene and women dominating men? Let us know in the kinky forum.