Am I crazy for wanting Accountability as a non-negotiable boundary?

[Bl****]

Not crazy, just like hitting the lottery when it comes to women though. In my experience.

[Va****]

That’s honestly pretty reasonable and your explanation was perfect.
I’m committed to improving myself and I honestly find a lack of confidence and no passion to be very unattractive. I don’t necessarily have everything written out as like you said, it is subjective to change.
I was also severely ***d in my childhood and I have a rule that never changes. I refuse to be ***d again.

But like every relationship sometimes the puzzle pieces are from a different box. And though they may look like they belong, as you start building your puzzle, you come to find not every piece fits, and it accidentally got mixed in with that box.
Sometimes it’s not their fault, they got misplaced by the last person to pack up their puzzle. And it landed in your box. They didn’t know they wouldn’t fit, just like you didn’t know, until you started putting your pieces together.
Sometimes people are misplaced puzzle pieces

[Di****]

What’s accountability mean guys?

[ey****]

6 hours ago, DiDet said:

What’s accountability mean guys?

Generally speaking

if you mess up you own it and accept any consequences and typical seek ways of improvement.

I dunno, you go to a fetish event - grab someone's bum, get caught and put out... accountability could be even if you thought this was ok, you accept it was not ok - accept being put out and any suspension, apoplogise and don't do it again.    Lack of accountability could be making excuses, blaming others, complaining about rules, or doing it again in the future

of course there are some scenarios with naunce - if someone for example has a trauma response "don't do it again in the future" and "just get over it" don't quite work that way.

[Lo****]

Really, regardless of anything else, it’s what YOU want, so it’s all good. I can be acquaintances with people who aren’t very accountable, but I just make sure my lens is colored with that knowledge. Do I want to be close friends or lovers with them? Hell no! I just lower my expectations of them so I’m not disappointed🙂. People who aren’t accountable also tend to be “blamethrowers”, which is no fun for anyone.
I figure that deciding to keep these people out of your life is really just a “quality of life”equation. Do they bring more good into your life than bad?
I will say one further thing, however. People can change, like you have. (Massive props for that, BTW.) Just because someone wasn’t accountable in the past doesn’t mean they can’t change for the better. I’d caution you from just writing people off, especially if they’re on the “bad” edge of your “quality of life” equation. Maybe they’ve improved so that they are on the “good” side of that equation now. Who knows?

[Di****]

15 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Generally speaking

if you mess up you own it and accept any consequences and typical seek ways of improvement.

I dunno, you go to a fetish event - grab someone's bum, get caught and put out... accountability could be even if you thought this was ok, you accept it was not ok - accept being put out and any suspension, apoplogise and don't do it again.    Lack of accountability could be making excuses, blaming others, complaining about rules, or doing it again in the future

of course there are some scenarios with naunce - if someone for example has a trauma response "don't do it again in the future" and "just get over it" don't quite work that way.

I understand it, but never heard it used like to op did. He made it seem like a very specific finite object. But to me it’s a spectrum not binary. So I was like confused by it in the context of their narrative. TYVM

[ey****]

8 hours ago, DiDet said:

I understand it, but never heard it used like to op did. He made it seem like a very specific finite object. But to me it’s a spectrum not binary. So I was like confused by it in the context of their narrative. TYVM

by admission - I was also struggling with what the OP was getting at within context - I queried it earlier but have had no clarification.

[th****]

Monday at 04:33 PM, NimbleSorcery said:

I'll give you a quick personal example from my own life. There's a person in this very discussion who I can't possibly see ever having a fruitful discussion with. She engages in what I consider pointless attacks, to antagonize a person by essentially using the equivalent of "you mad bro?" to manipulate a person's emotions. I don't fk with people like that. Just because I may disagree with your position on something doesn't mean I want you to become upset and I'm not going to say things for the sake of antagonizing. So I blocked her. That's the consequence of a boundary I set. She didn't know about the boundary but I en***d it none-the-less. If I wanted to hold her accountable for her emotional manipulation I could have replied to her, but that's not going to change anything, and that's part of the point I'm making to you. Holding adults you barely know accountable, especially when they didn't ask for it, is fruitless. Of course there are nuances to this as it pertains to your close relationships, but within the context of what you provided, which is a very vague idea of side pieces not meeting your standards for behavior, there's nothing beneficial in "holding them accountable". Your friend told you this, and you came here to see if people agreed with her or you. I and others here agreed with your friend. Some people say your friend is wrong. If you want to talk more about it then feel free to engage. If you just wanted an option about what side people fall on and you're not interested in reconsidering your point of view, well then you have my two cents.

I wasn't talking about people I don't know or strangers. I was talking about friendships and other relationships.

In my case, we had a friend of 3 years who was becoming homeless over the winter because her landlord was sexually exploiting her. My fiancee and I agreed to let her room with us for free till she got back on her feet. After she moved in, she did generally unsafe things like she would leave the gas burner on all night or in one case, she went out of the house to smoke but when she came back - she didn't close our front door. I discovered what she did in the morning and it was only with luck that MY cats didn't escape our home.
We talked to her gently about it but she retaliated with a lot of throwing guilt our way.
Finally things came to a head when she got physically violent with me one night and I had to call law en***ment - which was a *** in the ass because I am brown and she is white. The cops are never going to believe a brown person even if they have visible physical injuries. I had to deal with the *** that I would be forcibly removed from my own home despite being ***d.

After that incident, we kicked her out and she went on to stay at some other person's place while telling people that we called the police on her for no reason.
Recently one of her cats ran away when the person she was living with left the door open. She took to social media to blast us again for kicking her out after agreeing to help. She talked about how happy her cat was in our home and if we didn't kick her out, her cat would still be with her.


To be honest, I am not surprised her cat ran away. She treated that cat badly. Poor thing would hide when she would come into the room and it had a chopped off tail because one of her exes pulled its tail so hard it got injured, then infected from not being taken to the vet and finally amputated. We didn't know this about the cat until she moved in cause she had been telling people the cat was a rescue and allowing them to believe that said cat had its tail like that when she got her. Fuck she still makes excuses for that ex.

I made this post originally because I was just frustrated at her behaviour and how she was trying to hurt us despite all her misfortune being her own fault. Despite cutting contact with her, we were still feeling the effects of her behavior just because we made the mistake of making her our friend.

I was annoyed at you because you were acting like I was targeting you personally for wanting Accountability from people I wanted to be close with :/

[th****]

11 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

by admission - I was also struggling with what the OP was getting at within context - I queried it earlier but have had no clarification.

Apologies for not getting back to you. I was busy with my own life and honestly English isn't my first language so I was wondering if I used the word 'accountability' wrong too.
I have given an explanation in my previous comment

[Di****]

My guy you are putting your thoughts into a ball and you need a pipeline. You state neurodivergence yeah? Empathy is a skill that can me improved especially with a good partner who can cut you in half with a look. You are blessed. But your entitlement is showing. You are showing your butt. Like mama said.
I am not judging you, but I am pointing out a glaring contradiction in your statement of need and this victim of *** who is actively in trauma and unsafe.
You take a person who is there and you need to eat your petty vigilance. Even is you say oh didet I’m not trying. You are. Men. Big deal, she is:was in your care and you worried instead of thought or acted to help her how she needs despite *** to your self. Woman up dude! You have a wonderful intelligence and awareness hyperaquity is hard to filter. But you can do is help her seek help. If she is this detached as you describe, but if she is lucid or can mask in front of the cops. And you are right about the popo they are wild and unpredictable engage with extreme caution and only as a last resort.

[ey****]

I feel in the example given - there's stuff which is mutually true in the sense that she has potentially got unresolved trauma and/or mental health struggles -- and that it's not on you to deal with.

And this is where life in general gets a mess.

So in that post alone you mentioned she's had an ex who was abusive and then a landlord who was sexually exploiting her - letting her in to your home to help  her out is a noble thing to do, but also comes with things beyond what you are reasonably equipped to deal with.

Sometimes with stuff like cost and/or waiting lists sometimes "just get therapy" isn't a simple option (although, there are many people in the world who will do anything *but* seek therapy - but that's another story) and that also from her perspective someone who has offered her stability (i.e. you) has also put her out and it's another case of any form of sanctuary cutting her off.  Even if, of course, there were things here which were unreasonable for you to deal with.   

Two perceptives can be equally true.

Of course based on the above some stuff she has said is misrepresenting the situation and that also sucks to be on the receiving end, and without being a shrink and going off only this post it feels like there's elements where she is scared to tell the truth because people might not help her out if they think she may lash out, or has a bad history with landlords, ex's, etc.

The main issue is this is beyond something that was reasonable for you to resolve, or tell her to resolve and expect quick resolution.   But this is a little where - the best you can/could do is find an appropriate support network 

 

Years ago, I did end up with someone living with me "until she found her feet" which had it's own challenges but one of the things we did is tried to work on what a pathway to finding her feet was.  In this case she did have other friends she bounced between for sofa space so it wasn't too much emotional load on one person; a luxury if there is a network - whilst also being registered as homeless to get support that way.  Of course, having sofa's to sleep on doesn't class you as homeless or a priority so in itself that dragged things a little longer before she was able to get into social housing.  That in itself a ride. 

[Deleted Member]

What you’ve described it not a boundary. You described a request. A boundary is something you set that has a consequence you can control. You are making a request that people follow your own sense of Justice for what happened to you.

People are allowed to deny a request.

Also, you are dealing with something I refer to as “chronic uniqueness”. It’s a mindset that you’re the only one in the world with that specific problem, trauma, or nuerodivergence. You should remember that people out there have gone through what you’ve been through.

Additionally, it’s not okay to think everyone should follow your own list of things to do in life. Everyone is different- languages, cultures, religions, etc. No person is going to respond the same to a situation because of these layered factors.

I definitely think you need to rethink your opinion on this matter because it’s going to cause you harm internally.

[th****]

4 hours ago, MommyArlo said:

What you’ve described it not a boundary. You described a request. A boundary is something you set that has a consequence you can control. You are making a request that people follow your own sense of Justice for what happened to you.

People are allowed to deny a request.

Also, you are dealing with something I refer to as “chronic uniqueness”. It’s a mindset that you’re the only one in the world with that specific problem, trauma, or nuerodivergence. You should remember that people out there have gone through what you’ve been through.

Additionally, it’s not okay to think everyone should follow your own list of things to do in life. Everyone is different- languages, cultures, religions, etc. No person is going to respond the same to a situation because of these layered factors.

I definitely think you need to rethink your opinion on this matter because it’s going to cause you harm internally.

The consequence is controllable. If someone refuses to acknowledge/take ownership of their actions and the effect it has on themselves and the people around them - the consequence of that is that I am going to see them as a person with a pattern of vanity that refuses any consideration towards anyone else and I am going to remove them from my life.
I don't like hanging out with ***rs.

A few things happened since my last update that kinda made me feel good about my decision.

I found out from a few different people that there were things this friend hid from us and there is a pattern here :-

1) She was going through a legal battle at the time where she was charged for domestic *** against her ex-girlfriend. When the police got involved in the incident where she was violent towards me - I should have insisted on filing a DV dispute cause they would have had to check her file and see that she was being tried by the province at the time.

2) This wasn't her first smear campaign. One of her ex room mate's (Let's call her S) was an upcoming model in the city. S was barely 18 when she rejected her advances cause she wasn't attracted to her. This girl was so furious about it that she called multiple photographers and agencies in the city to basically say S was homophobic and a bigot. She created enough of a stink that S had to leave the city. S has now changed careers, moved to a smaller town and thankfully is dating a very decent girl. S is also invited to my wedding now.

I wish there was a way to close this topic so I don't have to keep coming back to it.
I am happy with my boundary and its serving me well.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for sharing those 5 points . I recently found out I was molested as a child and I'm kinda on my journey but that does explain my reactions to be ignored

[Deleted Member]

On 5/11/2025 at 9:29 AM, theaetistblue said:

Not trying to make this clickbait - this seems like an obvious no-brainer choice. I am feeling a bit gaslit, but I would also like a fresh perspective in case I am wrong.
I was talking to my friend and she said that my expectations are too high.

(... snip ...)

However, I am pretty extroverted and I enjoy spending time with people. It just feels frustrating that the last five recent important people in my life (this includes partners I have had besides my fiancee and very close friends) are people I had to give up on because they wouldn't be accountable.

So am I being crazy?

Nope, you're not crazy for wanting to protect your piece of mind and lower your stress levels in relationships. If you were claiming that you're so desperate for friends and partners that you'd take anyone and then you started nitpicking then I'd question if you understood whether your actions matched your claims; it sounds like they do match.

.

The only people who've memorably criticized my standards are the strangers who didn't meet them. Meanwhile, my loved-ones who've known me for years thought they were reasonable. 🤷🏾‍♀️

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People I know have an odd relationship with therapy: my dad was dismissive of it with regards to our race based on stuff like the Tuskegee Experiments (medical doctors were fine, but anything that involved the potential for being a human guinea pig was right the hell out), a former friend claimed that she had "graduated from therapy" even though she continued to be in what sounded like such a destructively codependent relationship with a third person that when she returned from a visit as an emotional wreck her other two partners would beg her to dump the person, and various male-identified people I know claim to be "afraid" of therapists (the closest I've gotten to this from a woman was one who insisted that I not be so out about my diagnoses as she felt that I was insulting myself - we had a chat about that and she stopped complaining).

.

I dated people, and even married someone, who claimed to be either "on a trickster path" or identified as "chaos magicians" or "Discordians" who - on deeper observation - seemed to be using these claims as a way to control the people around them rather than adjust their own behavior and thinking. Oddly, for all their love of chaos they seemed to go into a tailspin if someone responded with anything other than an expected reaction. Having done a tiny bit of research into the concept of the "sacred khao" - the definition of which is reportedly "grace within chaos" - I found it interesting that these folks I knew apparently hadn't gotten that memo.
.

The nice thing about therapy is that I let go of the idea I learned from my father that I could "make friends with anyone if I tried hard enough," that stepping away from poor treatment would leave me lonely forever, that I had to be a "nice girl" and maintain the peace the accept whatever treatment was heaped upon me ... which would eventually lead to be exploding at the person who'd then wonder what the big deal was because they were just thinking I'd reacted to that one little recent incident ... 

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The fewer ridiculous relationships I was, the less unnecessary drama was swirling around me, and the more attractive I became to more grounded people. This doesn't mean that others wouldn't try, but I learned to mostly sidestep them and continue on with my life. I'm not perfect at it: once every 5 years or so one gets through and it's either an exercise in self-care and emotional defense or a serious emotional crash; but once things go bad I don't stay for very long - either I leave or they realize they've gotten as much out of me as they're going to and they remove themselves from the picture. 

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Please defend your standards and honor the sort of connections you want. You may not end up with throngs of admirers immediately, but the people you do keep have the potential to be far more worth it.

[Deleted Member]

Yes! Accountability/ responsibility is foundational and absolutely necessary especially when you’re doing you’re own work. Good luck to you both!

[Deleted Member]

Not at all unreasonable. I'm in and out of a similar mindset, so I have empathy for you. Loneliness can work on me and get me to ask the same questions of myself, am I being unreasonable, etc. It can be very difficult to stick to my standards. Each time I do, I'm making life better for myself and the people around me. That includes anyone who might come into my life later. If I allow myself to lower my standards and be hurt again, the work to be better and heal starts over. I'm worth more than that, and so are you. Self-awareness is increasingly rare, so don't ignore your better angels.

Keep going. Keep trying. One day, you'll look back and compare yourself to your past self and marvel at the journey you went through.