Curiousnewsub Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 There seems to be so much information out there, and it can be conflicting or overwhelming. Confused about where lines are? I’m... “pliable” and often naive. How can you tell the difference between someone wanting to dominate you and someone wanting to use you?
Deleted Member Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 There are certain ‘red flags’ but unfortunately there are some Dominants that can disguise these too! The best advise I can give and it comes from experience is take your time and ask as many questions as you feel you need. If the answers aren’t satisfactory then they’re not worth your submission 💗
ey**** Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 I'd watch out for behaviour which is very much centred around "I am the Dominant, you do as I say" - if your wants or expectations seem to be ignored, not listened to, or not asked for sometimes, Dominants who are short-sighted beyond "suck my dick and get me a beer" are ones to be avoided also. There's no perfect format - but, if someone isn't listening to you or pushing at your boundaries early on, this is unlikely to improve.
Deleted Member Posted May 28, 2020 Posted May 28, 2020 The D/s dynamic does unfortunately attract it's fair share of sociopaths who can be be very skilled in manipulating people. Have your whits about you and if someone is making you feel uncomfortable or things don't feel right, then stop, don't engage and remove yourself. You have the power to say "No" if the situation someone is trying to place you in isn't what you want.
Deleted Member Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 It’s a difficult one, your guts are your best advice. But you could ask for his previous subs reference. Or check if he’s another site and what kind of behaviour he’s got there too.
Deleted Member Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Sensible advice, although I have come across someone faking references, he was found out because he used the same language in the reference as he did in emails... The reality is that the people who have been talked about only represent a small percentage of people who want to practice the D/s dynamic. Base any decision making on the information in front of you and always ask for advice elsewhere if you need it.
Deleted Member Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Read up on toxicity, manipulation, co dependency, narcissism to educate yourself on others. Read up on self awareness, confidence, empowerment and self belief to educate yourself on you. This will make you stronger, more able, have a higher threshold for what's acceptable to you, know that you are enough and you are not defined by others. Be a strong, vibrant shiny submissive and make the fuckers wait for you!!! Have a beautiful day and tell yourself how wonderful you are 🔥🔥🔥
cautiousswitch Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 The old standby, communication. How willing are they to discuss the relationship before trying to dominate you.
SolomanStrange Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Cant agree more. I have recently finished Complex PTSD from surviving. to thriving by Pete Walker. It goes deep into all of the above, recomend it on audible as its heavy. 😘
Th**** Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 Great advice as always 👍 I would echo what was said about ensuring that your wants and needs are being asked about and catered to. The sort of person who is looking to just use you, in a bad way, will most likely not invest the time and trouble into finding out all the little things that make you happy. So make any Dominant work for your submission, ensure that they want to know you, that they at least are interested in satisfying your needs. Your submission is as valuable as you make it. So value it very highly and the majority of fakes will get bored and go for low hanging fruit. There will always be some that get through but the previous posters gave excellent guidance on reading and red flags. Always be your authentic self the right dominant will prefer that, if you have to pretend in anyway get out of there. Stay safe.
sc**** Posted May 29, 2020 Posted May 29, 2020 On 5/28/2020 at 10:25 PM, BT2019 said: The D/s dynamic does unfortunately attract it's fair share of sociopaths who can be be very skilled in manipulating people. Have your whits about you and if someone is making you feel uncomfortable or things don't feel right, then stop, don't engage and remove yourself. You have the power to say "No" if the situation someone is trying to place you in isn't what you want. This so sooo true. Researching psychopathy and abusive relationships Is a very good start. I had to learn the hard way. Knowing how to spot the red flags Of abusive people And psychopaths is essential, particularly in this scene.
Bo**** Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 There is a real need for communities to be open in support & understanding , with great power there is a duty of respect. Both sides have it, to see it......not a secret,look,listen,learn!🙏 thank you all for such questions to ask of self.....Respect,innit?
Leisa Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 On 5/29/2020 at 2:57 AM, Firewitch said: Read up on toxicity, manipulation, co dependency, narcissism to educate yourself on others. Read up on self awareness, confidence, empowerment and self belief to educate yourself on you. This will make you stronger, more able, have a higher threshold for what's acceptable to you, know that you are enough and you are not defined by others. Be a strong, vibrant shiny submissive and make the fuckers wait for you!!! Have a beautiful day and tell yourself how wonderful you are 🔥🔥🔥 Thank you for the strong advice my friend. I can only echo your advice. It’s important for the submissive to always stay strong and confident in the journey.
Leisa Posted May 30, 2020 Posted May 30, 2020 22 hours ago, Thebian said: Great advice as always 👍 I would echo what was said about ensuring that your wants and needs are being asked about and catered to. The sort of person who is looking to just use you, in a bad way, will most likely not invest the time and trouble into finding out all the little things that make you happy. So make any Dominant work for your submission, ensure that they want to know you, that they at least are interested in satisfying your needs. Your submission is as valuable as you make it. So value it very highly and the majority of fakes will get bored and go for low hanging fruit. There will always be some that get through but the previous posters gave excellent guidance on reading and red flags. Always be your authentic self the right dominant will prefer that, if you have to pretend in anyway get out of there. Stay safe. This is what makes you such a special dominant Sir.
Jinxy Posted June 1, 2020 Posted June 1, 2020 On 5/29/2020 at 11:06 AM, Thebian said: Great advice as always 👍 I would echo what was said about ensuring that your wants and needs are being asked about and catered to. The sort of person who is looking to just use you, in a bad way, will most likely not invest the time and trouble into finding out all the little things that make you happy. So make any Dominant work for your submission, ensure that they want to know you, that they at least are interested in satisfying your needs. Your submission is as valuable as you make it. So value it very highly and the majority of fakes will get bored and go for low hanging fruit. There will always be some that get through but the previous posters gave excellent guidance on reading and red flags. Always be your authentic self the right dominant will prefer that, if you have to pretend in anyway get out of there. Stay safe. Yes, to all of this. Especially valuing yourself as a submissive. One of the misconceptions is that subs have no power in the Dom/sub dynamic. Know your boundaries and be able to state them clearly. A major red flag to me is how the person responds when you set clear boundaries. A lot of times someone who just wants to use you will not appreciate you giving them firm limits. They might blow them off or indicate there’s some wiggle room with a response like “We’ll see” or “You might feel differently if you try it”. As another commenter stated, listen to your gut. If you’re feeling unsafe in a situation, it’s not likely to improve.
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