Guilt & CNC

[Lu****]

So I've always liked someone being in control & using me how they like, CNC is the rougher extension of this. Ever since I was a young *** I had fantasies about these scenarios and in doing my own research (plus being a pretty rational person imo) I think I'm lucky to have never really felt horrible about myself about liking these things.
The other day I saw a ig post about a tattooist giving free coverups for *** scars etc. & I saw a lot of comments from women telling their stories. An erotic audio I like involves a scene where the speaker character carves his name into the listeners thigh, a horrific act in the real world & an act that I saw repeatedly reported by these women. I think because it was such a specific thing & seeing the amount of people it had actually happened to caught me off guard & for the first time I actually had a moment of "what's wrong with me?".
The most important part of CNC is the CONSENSUAL part, something I am always making sure to remind people of when explaining this type of play. Some people that don't get it think it's glorifying a horrific act & I understand where they're coming from, however a sound mind understands the difference between fantasy and reality. Never in my life would I want something non-con to happen to me or anyone.
Has anyone struggled with this guilt before? How do you try to explain it to people that don't quite understand? And for curiosity's sake, how many of you have experienced being treated like an outcast even by kinksters?(because I know that happens too)🖤

[Au****]

A long time ago, one of my first "adventures in kink" the lady wanted me to play the *** game. I was hesitant and at the first yell of "no, stop" I was done. I just couldn't play that game. She was disappointed, but understood. Many years later and I'm not sure if I could do it. I'd be willing to try again, but I'm doubtful of the outcome.

[7k****]

I don’t know how best to explain this but you’re right even in the rougher aspects of BDSM,rough sex and CNC the consensual part of it has always been key, that’s why you constantly hear of safe words when scenarios like that come into play and I think that’s what makes it all so different from your take on things and their experiences

[Lu****]

35 minutes ago, AugustusP said:

A long time ago, one of my first "adventures in kink" the lady wanted me to play the *** game. I was hesitant and at the first yell of "no, stop" I was done. I just couldn't play that game. She was disappointed, but understood. Many years later and I'm not sure if I could do it. I'd be willing to try again, but I'm doubtful of the outcome.

And that's perfectly fine! It's good you stopped but didn't feel pressured to carry on just to impress as well. And there's so many other things to explore, that's the joy of it, no need to do anything that doesn't work for you😊

[Deleted Member]

I have trouble with the issue before. My family is mostly comprised of women. I was raised looking up to strong female characters. I was raised to be respectful and honor women. So my first time being asked to fulfill a **** fantasy was not easy. I’ve had friends who have been ****** and at first couldn’t wrap my head around why someone would want that. I decided to educate myself on the matter. I jumped in a couple chat groups and talked with a fair amount of women about the issue. My particular partner due to her past trauma could only be truly satisfied this intense kind of of sessions. Followed immediately by caretaking and a talk about the session. I felt wrong, but after I talk to her, and I saw the relief that I was able to bring to her I realize these kind of sessions when done right can be the***utic for some. Of course, in order for these kinds of sessions to happen there’s a fair amount of planning and preparing beforehand.

[Lu****]

9 minutes ago, Dark_Pleasure_Wand said:

I have trouble with the issue before. My family is mostly comprised of women. I was raised looking up to strong female characters. I was raised to be respectful and honor women. So my first time being asked to fulfill a **** fantasy was not easy. I’ve had friends who have been ****** and at first couldn’t wrap my head around why someone would want that. I decided to educate myself on the matter. I jumped in a couple chat groups and talked with a fair amount of women about the issue. My particular partner due to her past trauma could only be truly satisfied this intense kind of of sessions. Followed immediately by caretaking and a talk about the session. I felt wrong, but after I talk to her, and I saw the relief that I was able to bring to her I realize these kind of sessions when done right can be the***utic for some. Of course, in order for these kinds of sessions to happen there’s a fair amount of planning and preparing beforehand.

This was something I learnt as well early on doing research, it can be very healing/cathartic for survivors. As someone that's also had a share of bad experiences, as well as my family members, it can be a little odd feeling. I'm glad you were willing to try and you're correct, I think if someone has trauma they should absolutely be transparent with someone about the planning as it can be a rocky road when such intense emotions/memories are involved🖤

[CurvedViking]

The mental side of kink is so impressive, I think this is where someone can stand out when they can feel empathy but still move on to perform, this is only letting you know you are healthy and it is a good thing to think about and it is very healthy to process these feelings. I had the same issue with DD/lg when I first started in that dynamic, it wasn’t until I started watching actor workshops that I could move into that alt universe where I could be someone else in the moment, it helped me move out of the person I am and became the person the audience (my partner) wanted me to be in the scene…

[Lu****]

48 minutes ago, CurvedViking said:

The mental side of kink is so impressive, I think this is where someone can stand out when they can feel empathy but still move on to perform, this is only letting you know you are healthy and it is a good thing to think about and it is very healthy to process these feelings. I had the same issue with DD/lg when I first started in that dynamic, it wasn’t until I started watching actor workshops that I could move into that alt universe where I could be someone else in the moment, it helped me move out of the person I am and became the person the audience (my partner) wanted me to be in the scene…

Playing a part is a good way to look at it, I mean we all have to go back to "normal mode" eventually when dealing with life outside kink. No matter the type, any roleplay can be awkward to get used to at first so adding that extra uncertainty can be difficult. That's what I like about pet play etc though, the ability to just be someone/something new, free of judgement~
And I'm glad you tried and worked through it!😊

[Da****]

I actually struggle with this a lot ..... I do have this as a kink, but I feel so bad about it I don't ever act on it. I've had partners say they were okay with it, but am too afraid to actually do it, because of the depth of guilt I feel in the act itself. Yes, consensual is the primary part, but I can't get over how icky it makes me feel ..... Maybe with some aftercare???

[Yi****]

1 hour ago, DaLumberSnax said:

I actually struggle with this a lot ..... I do have this as a kink, but I feel so bad about it I don't ever act on it. I've had partners say they were okay with it, but am too afraid to actually do it, because of the depth of guilt I feel in the act itself. Yes, consensual is the primary part, but I can't get over how icky it makes me feel ..... Maybe with some aftercare???

If it makes you feel icky don't do it this is supposed to be fun

[Lu****]

1 hour ago, DaLumberSnax said:

I actually struggle with this a lot ..... I do have this as a kink, but I feel so bad about it I don't ever act on it. I've had partners say they were okay with it, but am too afraid to actually do it, because of the depth of guilt I feel in the act itself. Yes, consensual is the primary part, but I can't get over how icky it makes me feel ..... Maybe with some aftercare???

Aftercare is a must for both parties, it can take a while to find someone who you feel comfortable doing it with too. If you really want to try I'd suggest starting out small, maybe just having a sub tied up & gagged in a certain way without it being roleplay and build it up from there. Again never *** yourself if you truly can't do anymore, there's no shame in that, the enjoyment should be equal. I'd also suggest to really sit with it and find out what makes it feel so wrong for you you can't get over it & to communicate this with your partner. I hope this somewhat helps🖤

[La****]

Im a domme that is so into cnc too. The good thing is how we can differentiate real life and fantasy. If you can feel the discomfort when it comes to the real life situation, that means you don’t condone that. Thats the whole point of bdsm and kink—you do taboo things, consensually. You do it with a trusty partner. The whole difference is right there, thus the separation between the two world exist. Each human have their own way with navigating their world and as long as you live your life without harming anyone, that should be fine. I understand the guilt and shame. Its a part of having kink. But remember, it exists bcs it is part of you. How do you want to deal with it is in your hand.

[Lu****]

40 minutes ago, Lady_King said:

Im a domme that is so into cnc too. The good thing is how we can differentiate real life and fantasy. If you can feel the discomfort when it comes to the real life situation, that means you don’t condone that. Thats the whole point of bdsm and kink—you do taboo things, consensually. You do it with a trusty partner. The whole difference is right there, thus the separation between the two world exist. Each human have their own way with navigating their world and as long as you live your life without harming anyone, that should be fine. I understand the guilt and shame. Its a part of having kink. But remember, it exists bcs it is part of you. How do you want to deal with it is in your hand.

I'm lucky my Master really likes it too😊 it's funny sometimes imagining what people would think if they saw our conversations because of the dichotomy between chatting as "normal" and when we're playing😂
We both have the understanding that it's okay to have these desires together and we know each others limits, frankly we're just both happy to have found someone willing to go so far~

[Ta****]

My advice is, you don’t have to explain to people. In fact, there are varying degrees of CNC play that evolve with trust and comfort. In the course of development my a dynamic, the parties involved usually express and expose pieces step by step. Conversation usually takes its own course and when the subject arises, you can express your feelings and reservations. Kinda get on the same playing field. This is the most common way this evolves. On occasion, a very communicative party might get into the details of how they like it. That’s usually when a committee D/s relationship is in place, but not always. I’m a big believer in putting things into an agreement… a BDSM contract (although not a contract in the legal sense which is why I use the term agreement). I think it helps to spell things out. It doesn’t fit a casual play situation but it does for a partner. I would caution you that there is no need to explain your kinks to people outside your “inner circle” and take it step by step with any partner you’re getting to know.

In a dungeon club setting where you may not be as familiar with someone, this presents a challenge and oversight of developing scenes is always an important duty of the Master Dom or Dungeon Master who Carrie’s a lot of responsibility for keeping clients/participants safe and consensual without dampening the scene, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about.

You don’t need to explain unless it’s someone you’re exploring possibilities with and in that scenario, communication about CNC and free use usually develops incrementally like I described above. If it’s awkward, it probably isn’t time to discuss it. Find a quiet personal space and describe what you desire and how a scene you imagine excites you. That usually gets the ball rolling.

[gu****]

I've met quite a lot of people who struggle with the fact, that they like being on the receiving end of a CNC game.
Because we all know how strong we have to be for society. Because we all know how traumatic non-consentional acts are to the survivors. Because it clashes so much with our hard earned independence and pictures of self.
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For me, living and loving the dominant side of those CNC games, it's always like a little monster lurking in my brain, whispering those sweet fantasies of control, ***ful seduction, ***.
And it is some kind of antithesis to my usual behavior. There are enough days, where I hate its seductive voice. But in the end it is something that shaped me thoroughly. I had to question my morals and borders for myself constantly. I still train constantly to learn how I can inflict just exactly what I want instead of just letting the inner monster take the reins and hope for the best. It drives me to earn more control over myself and my life - so I can give it enough space without overwhelming me or my partners.
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I still feel guilty as hell sometimes. But accepted it as part of me that helps shaping myself.
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For me any kind of CNC involves a concept of a scene, allowed practices, dangerous practices and boundaries and taboos.
The less I know people, the stronger and more complete the rulesets laid down. As a safetynet for them - and even more for me.
It's like rockclimbing - the more unknowns are out there, the more preparation is needed.
Are the partners and scenario well known it might be just a short buildup in minutes with some quick notes. But I wouldn't do it without. #accidentsHappen
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What most people don't understand, is, that it's a PLAY. Like petplay, like pretending to be the boss of a company while actually knowing jack shit about it. 😉🤭 Okay last example is a bit off - those people actually believe they are good bosses.
But there are enough ppl out there who hate actors with a passion, or love them, because they see them as their movie characters, not as people playing a role.
With leads me to one of the wises things somebody told me #DontArgueWithStupid