Molly’s BDSM Tips | How to Navigate Consensual Non-Consent

To kick off International BDSM Month, we're talking all about consensual non-consent. Do you like the idea of being kidnapped and used by your partner? Or maybe it's a burglar breaking into your home and holding you against your will? Whatever CNC kink turns you on, Molly is here to explain how to explore it without running intro trouble.

 

Dear Molly, 
My partner and I have discovered that we have a mutual interest in exploring our consensual non-consent kinks, but we really have no idea how to go about it. I have some really big fantasies about a masked man grabbing me, and my partner has also confessed to having fantasies about tying someone up and using them at his pleasure. We are not sure how to go about making any of this happen in a way that would feel real but also safe. Can you give us any advice on how to explore consensual non consent?
R Girl
 

Dear R Girl,
Consensual non-consent is often referred to as CNC for short. The CNC kink world is essentially getting off on play that involves some element of force or non-consent, while remaining within the context of what has previously been negotiated and consented to. Despite the words 'non-consent', the whole basis is grounded in exploring that idea alongside the safety assurances of consent. It may sound like an oxymoron, but CNC kinks are possible – and pleasurable – if you take the time to educate yourself and don't rush into anything.

Consensual non-consent is all about negotiation and communication

If you want to explore your CNC kink, it is imperative that you talk to your partner(s) beforehand about what turns you on, and where your limits lie. Find stories that capture the kind of scenarios you want to share with your partner. Talk about which parts of consensual non-consent are hot to you, and which are not. Being really open and honest about what you want is the key to a successful CNC kink scene. It might feel like you are taking the surprise element out of it by doing so, but you can weave those back in once you have a good understanding of what works for you both.

Think hard about your hard limits

Hard limits are those things  or scenarios that you would definitely never want to do or be made to do. They vary widely from person to person, for obvious reasons. When exploring any type of kink relationship, it is important to be upfront with any partner about your hard limits. This is especially true when it comes to consensual non-consent. Think long and hard about what you categorically do not want to explore in a CNC kink scene, because crossing that line could cause physical and emotional distress. You mention the masked stranger grabbing you – what things do you imagine him doing to you? And more importantly, what things would you not ever want him to do to you? It might be something as simple as face slapping that wouldn’t work for you, or something more complex and nuanced. Really playing that scenario through in your mind, examining all possibilities will help you both plan your consensual non-consent scene well. 

Safewords, safewords, safewords

For many people, the big turn on of CNC kinks is the element of fighting back, resisting and even saying no or begging someone to stop what they are doing. But then how does the person (or perpetrator) know when no actually means no? The answer is a safeword. Safewords are an absolutely vital part of exploring consensual non-consent, as it allows the words 'no' or 'stop' to not actually mean those things exactly. Safewords can never ensure that nothing will go wrong, but they act like seatbelts and protect you against severe harm. These words also allow the other person to push and play, knowing that you can still communicate if it's not working for you.

Start small with your CNC kink 

So how do you get started? Don’t go the whole hog first time, instead just dip your toe into the CNC kink world. It might be as simple as your partner tying you up and using you in some way. Maybe it's playing chase/tag round the house or outside to explore the sensation of being pursued. Let's talk specifically about the masked man scenario in your consensual non-consent fantasy; try looking online together for the type of mask you want, and maybe your partner can try it on and surprise you one day after work. Knowing they have it, but not when they might use it, can be all part of the excitement and anticipation of CNC kink play. Even though you may have talked extensively about how it might unfold, your partner will decide when and where, maintaining an element of surprise to give you the adrenaline kick that makes consensual non-consent so fun. Molly x

Want Molly to help you out with a kink-related issue? Contact Molly via her profile.  

 
Cover image : released from Shutterstock.