Understanding Your BDSM limits | A Beginner's Guide

'What are your limits?' is a question regularly asked within the kink scene. While it sounds quite simple, if you're new to BDSM, how do you know what your BDSM limits are? How do you work out what you want to do and what you don't? We asked Victoria Blisse to bring you this beginner's guide, to help work out exactly what you desire.

Everyone has limits that are a certainty. For example, death and maiming are definite limits. So, start by thinking about the obvious. Saying you have no BDSM limits will not make you seem super kinky and eager, it will indicate to experienced kinksters that you don't know your boundaries and it may put them off play with you.

Before you even think about enjoying BDSM with another, make a list of things you don't want to try. If you're not sure, have a look through our kinks and fetishes and add any that turn you off to your limits list. Likewise, by filling out our online BDSM test and kink survey you will gain a deeper understanding of your kinky desires (and turn-offs!).

Some things may carry over from your day-to-day life. If you think feet are ugly, then foot worship is probably not for you. Maybe you freak out in confined spaces, so bondage cages and sensory deprivation might be on your no-no list.

Ways to discover your BDSM limits:

Roleplay - By roleplaying situations online or over the phone, for example, you can think about what sounds attractive to you. If you enjoy a particular activity in words then maybe you'll enjoy it in a real-life scenario, too! And if you find typing or talking about something scary or uncomfortable, then there's a definite limit for your list.
Self Play - There are some things you can't do to yourself, of course, but there are many things you can try out on your own. Things like hitting yourself with an implement to see if you like it, eating your cum or orgasm denial. This way, you are in control.
Limited Play - When you're trying something out with a play partner for the first time, put some soft limits on it. Limits that move and change as the scene plays out. You might find you can take more than you expect or that you don't like something, so your soft limits can be pushed and can change but all with continual communication. It's essential to do this with a trusted partner, who will be happy to stop and give you aftercare as needed.

What is a hard limit?

Hard limits are ones that must not be pushed. These are the things you don't like. It could be a range of things such as tickling, whipping or anal sex. Or it could be you don't want to be called a particular name, or have any play in public. Hard limits can change in time and from partner to partner. It is up to you what your hard limits are, and these should always be respected.

Do I need to push my BDSM limits?

Some BDSM play can involve this, often known as edge play, but it doesn't have to be something you do at all if you don't want to. If you're happy you know how much you can take, or that you don't like a particular thing, then you don't have to push to go harder, or further or try something to make someone else happy.

However, if you're comfortable with someone and you want to be tested to your limits, then do it! You can learn all sorts by just pushing out of your comfort zone a little. Be sure you only do this with a trusted partner who will be able to give you lots of aftercare - even if you don't usually need aftercare, pushing boundaries can make you very *** indeed.

Red flags

If someone pushes past the limits, you have put in place, then stop what's happening - using your safeword if needed - and have a conversation. It's a red flag if someone keeps trying to get you to push a limit you have. Do not let someone push your boundaries. An experienced kinkster will be sure never to overstep your limits.

Do not participate in something if you feel you've been coerced. 'No' is powerful - use it. If your wishes are not respected, step away. You don't have to do everything someone says just because they're a Dominant.

BDSM limits exist to keep you safe and happy; they don't limit your fun at all. Discuss your BDSM limits and fantasies with others on the forum; you might find out something new. After all, the sky's the limit.

Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.