Things to do if you don’t get a response

[DeviantInside]

I was going to make this a facetious and banal checklist. But actually I feel it’s a little more important.

If you don’t get a response… it means they didn’t want to respond to you. That’s it. They don’t have to.

It could be because they don’t find you attractive (for whatever reason), or because something in your message put them off (or repelled them in ways that can never be recovered), or your sex/age/gender/ something else isn’t what they want, or the way your kinks show don’t align, or you have a quirky eyebrow hair that makes them wretch, or that mole on your lip reminds them of aunt Maureen who made them wash their tonsils out with bicarbonate of soda (don’t do this), or any amount of other reasons…

So things to do if you don’t get a response:

Maybe think about what you can do to earn a response.

How can you be better?

How can you be more interesting?

What can you offer (not monetarily in my opinion…)?

And all of this could apply in and outside of kink.

[Deleted Member]

I wish I could repost this! 100 times yes! 👏🏻👏🏻

[ey****]

Sometimes also you don't get a response because not everyone lives online 24/7 and might only check in weekly for messages - that's especially important for the "I've been here 3 days and got no response" guys 

[GentleEEEE]

Very good advice and it also works both ways.

[DeviantInside]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Sometimes also you don't get a response because not everyone lives online 24/7 and might only check in weekly for messages - that's especially important for the "I've been here 3 days and got no response" guys 

This is also very true. I have often said to people that have apologised for not responding for a while that they don’t need to apologise, I just tend to assume that everyone has their own lives and not even my massive ego assumes I am the most important thing going on in the world.

[AmieJ]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Sometimes also you don't get a response because not everyone lives online 24/7 and might only check in weekly for messages - that's especially important for the "I've been here 3 days and got no response" guys 

Thank you!! Some of us do have an outside life and responsibilities. It is a huge turn off, sign of desperation, when one starts with "I've been here 3 day's...." Not attractive at all.

[sm****]

If I do the initial contact, I'm under no delusions on getting any response.   You have to mentally prepare yourself, online is fickle and superficial until you gain a report with someone.  Never try and solicite or think you can *** a response, it just sets out red flags for you to be avoided.  There is no rule that says you have to respond, some get inundated daily and it's impossible to read or respond to most, as has been stated we don't live online 24/7 and have r/l to contend with as a priority. Likewise as I do if someone has deleted a conversation,   I take it no further or initiate contact as this is another sign, this person might not be interested.  Hurling insults and *** when people who don't get a reply is a mega red flag and blocking said person is more beneficial, ego is a fatal flaw.

[no****]

There may be nothing you have to change about yourself, but the behavior you portray when you approach. If someone wants you to change who you are it's a very tricky game people play. You can do all the things they want or a list of traits they ask but at the end of the day they can and often times with add more to that list they may seem like nothing is enough. You should follow your own ideals and values to be authentic. Sometimes if you are trying to capture the attention of someone it's all in the approach. Other times it could be as simple as having no interest. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing or a slight at you. I don't think you adapting to someone if they can't accept you for who you are is living a role you will one day no longer want to keep playing. It's exhausting and can become detrimental.

[DeviantInside]

14 minutes ago, nothanksplease80 said:

There may be nothing you have to change about yourself, but the behavior you portray when you approach. If someone wants you to change who you are it's a very tricky game people play. You can do all the things they want or a list of traits they ask but at the end of the day they can and often times with add more to that list they may seem like nothing is enough. You should follow your own ideals and values to be authentic. Sometimes if you are trying to capture the attention of someone it's all in the approach. Other times it could be as simple as having no interest. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing or a slight at you. I don't think you adapting to someone if they can't accept you for who you are is living a role you will one day no longer want to keep playing. It's exhausting and can become detrimental.

I agree, I wasn’t meaning to suggest anyone should try to be something they are not to appeal to any particular person. I do think that self improvement is always healthy. And finding a genuine connection is far more important for me than something superficial (I do get that some people do prefer something that isn’t too deep or without any strings or connection outside of play, that’s just my preference).

[Se****]

I've only been doing this for about a month, and as I go along, I realize that I'm still figuring out what I might want. I don't even know how to use the tools at my disposal, so I view it as a learning experience. I'm hopefully learning how to communicate better. I'm learning how to represent myself better. There's only something to gain here. There's nothing to lose.

[st****]

I struggle to find people interested in me I get no messages idk if it’s my description if I don’t have enough pics to show me interests maybe my interest are to much for most I’m unsure

[Deleted Member]

Well.. I get a ton of messages and try to respond to everyone. Often, when the messages are rude, vulgar, or clearly show someone hasn’t bothered to read my profile I’ll tell them off- with intensity varying based on how rude I find the messages. I don’t actually care, but I believe people should learn.
The messages I respond to without fail, and with a bigger show of interest, are the ones that show someone has read my profile.

So, my two cents:
- be polite
- be considerate

And if they don’t respond… as DeviantInside says, they don’t want to. They’re not interested, the same way you are not interested in everyone. It is normal and natural that we not be interested in everyone.

And as the book goes… they’re not just that into you.

And that’s okay. Forcing people’s interest is not helpful. And you don’t want to persuade someone who’s not interested. It’ll just end badly.

[Ra****]

And sometimes it says I am online because I'm in a conversation with someone else. Timing is a big part of it for me. I do not have time to deal with the rejection backlash from everyone I don't want to talk to. (And there is backlash from politely declining too)

[Da****]

The reason I don't reply most of the time is distance. I don't have any interest in traveling several hundred miles for a hook up and I don't do online fun. I use online to find people to meet with and play in my free time. That's why I set my distance range to a small area. I don't know why I even get so many messages from people several hundred miles away...

[Deleted Member]

Timing is why I dont message back. Sometimes I pop on to reply to someone and I get 10 new messages. I won't look at any of those. But if im laying in bed scrolling, I'll reply to whoever pops in.

[Ra****]

38 minutes ago, SmuttyStoner said:

Timing is why I dont message back. Sometimes I pop on to reply to someone and I get 10 new messages. I won't look at any of those. But if im laying in bed scrolling, I'll reply to whoever pops in.

Timing is a huge one!

[BruiseWayne]

On 7/19/2025 at 12:31 AM, DeviantInside said:

I was going to make this a facetious and banal checklist. But actually I feel it’s a little more important.

If you don’t get a response… it means they didn’t want to respond to you. That’s it. They don’t have to.

It could be because they don’t find you attractive (for whatever reason), or because something in your message put them off (or repelled them in ways that can never be recovered), or your sex/age/gender/ something else isn’t what they want, or the way your kinks show don’t align, or you have a quirky eyebrow hair that makes them wretch, or that mole on your lip reminds them of aunt Maureen who made them wash their tonsils out with bicarbonate of soda (don’t do this), or any amount of other reasons…

So things to do if you don’t get a response:

Maybe think about what you can do to earn a response.

How can you be better?

How can you be more interesting?

What can you offer (not monetarily in my opinion…)?

And all of this could apply in and outside of kink.

I agree with what you're saying in essence, but the answer isn't always 'just try harder'.

 

Often times you can do everything 'right' and still not get a reply. There's so many reasons that a person might instantly count you out as someone they want to interact with and it's not always due to anything you did wrong or should've done differently either. And yeah you did say that but the conclusion you came to doesn't really mesh well with acknowledging that sometimes things are completely out of your control. 

 

So why would doing X, Y, or Z differently have made a difference?

Edited July 28, 2025 by BruiseWayne

[DeviantInside]

33 minutes ago, BruiseWayne said:

I agree with what you're saying in essence, but the answer isn't always 'just try harder'.

 

Often times you can do everything 'right' and still not get a reply. There's so many reasons that a person might instantly count you out as someone they want to interact with and it's not always due to anything you did wrong or should've done differently either. And yeah you did say that but the conclusion you came to doesn't really mesh well with acknowledging that sometimes things are completely out of your control. 

 

So why would doing X, Y, or Z differently have made a difference?

It wouldn’t… we’re never going to appeal to everyone. And nor should we, people are allowed their tastes and preferences.

Also I disagree that we can ever know that we will ever know if we did all the right things or never did anything wrong… there is no way we can know if what we said or did put someone off. They will have their own thoughts and reasons we will never know. And they’re entitled to that.

But I still think it’s just generally a good thing to self improve… so when you do find a match you have more to offer… and even afterwards it’s still a good thing.

[BruiseWayne]

Well of course. I don't think anyone's ever going to tell someone not to improve themselves.

[st****]

I know I won’t appeal to everyone but will I appeal to anyone so far only gotten spam accounts that crush and end up disappearing cause they don’t follow guidelines

So far all my messages have been unread except for two of them but no response my message is usually “hi, how are you”

[st****]

I didn’t expect much as the many sites I used before like tinder, hinge and so on gave me zero matches over the course of 3 years and at this point I’m wondering if it’s me and what I could change

[Go****]

For some reason, the line about the quirky, wretch-inducing eyebrow hair made me laugh 😆

[Du****]

Monday at 09:00 AM, stellakitty said:

I know I won’t appeal to everyone but will I appeal to anyone so far only gotten spam accounts that crush and end up disappearing cause they don’t follow guidelines

So far all my messages have been unread except for two of them but no response my message is usually “hi, how are you”

Might want to work on a different opening line for starters. "Hi, how are you" as your opener is boring and shows only minimal effort. Your opener should display that you've taken the time to look at their pictures and read their profile. Don't jump directly into talking about kink, fantasies, limits or experiences in the first 3 messages unless their profile explicitly states they want that. Doing so shows you don't consider consent important.

[st****]

Wednesday at 07:51 PM, DucatiDaddy said:

Might want to work on a different opening line for starters. "Hi, how are you" as your opener is boring and shows only minimal effort. Your opener should display that you've taken the time to look at their pictures and read their profile. Don't jump directly into talking about kink, fantasies, limits or experiences in the first 3 messages unless their profile explicitly states they want that. Doing so shows you don't consider consent important.

“Hi, how are you” is how people start conversations in person I see it often and it works just weird would be considered Minimal effort on a app

I also don’t even know how else to start a convo never used anything else before

Once I can get that fixed I’m also wondering on why I haven’t been approached on apps

[st****]

Just now, stellakitty said:

“Hi, how are you” is how people start conversations in person I see it often and it works just weird would be considered Minimal effort on a app

I also don’t even know how else to start a convo never used anything else before

Once I can get that fixed I’m also wondering on why I haven’t been approached on apps

Why I haven’t been approached first is what I mean on the last part