Learning that intensity doesn’t make a better dom

[Deleted Member]

I used to think that because I’m intense - emotionally astute, layered, deeply responsive - finding a Dom who matched that intensity, who is into the psychological elements of d/s could only be a good thing. We could go deeper, l thought, and our combined intensity could make for something magnetic as well as pleasurable. And he wouldn’t be put off my by my kinks, the things that l am slowly starting to accept about myself without shame. Maybe I was even wary that unless I softened my edges, my insight, my competence, my sharpness, I’d be seen as too much. Too reflective. Too capable. Too threatening to a man’s ego or his ability to lead.

This is possibly why a daddy dom feels safer, rather than a dom whose arsenal consists of toys, demands and instructions.

But I’ve learnt that intensity can be deceptive and a desire for power exchange can make me ***. When someone says the right things it can feel like intimacy when it’s really just presence in the moment. A handful of tender check-ins. Neatly timed good mornings and good nights. A few strokes of affection to keep the thread alive. He said he wanted to know how I felt. He said he wanted transparency. But there was no sustained intention behind it.

He was consistent until he wasn’t. Caring until he was distracted. Attentive until it required accountability. And while I felt deeply seen, I now understand that being seen isn’t the same as being held.

He wanted access to my softness. My warmth. My submission. My aliveness, as he once called it. But not the weight of responsibility that comes with being a true emotional anchor. He wanted my devotion on his terms, on his schedule, and only when he had the mental space to engage. He always had energy for play, though. Even when everything else was too much.

So I gave him honesty. I named my needs. In real time. And in return, I got silence.

“I’m not very good at communicating when I’m busy,” he said. “I must have forgotten to mention it.”

And here’s what I’ve learnt. Power exchange only works when both people are anchored in truth. For a submissive, consistency is not a luxury. It’s the foundation that allows us to soften. To trust. To go deeper. Without it, there needs to be care. There needs to be honesty. Because submission is not just a role. It’s an offering. It’s a way of being. And we are not toys to be picked up and dropped according to convenience.

My submission isn’t decorative. It is devotional. It is sexy, charming, provocative, and deeply intelligent. I want to be cared for, yes. But I am not broken. I do not need to be rescued. I am highly self-aware, and I carry my sensitivity with pride. I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to be you, no performance, no beefing up of your ego. Just you. As imperfect as you are, to meet me in my imperfections too.

So if you want to lead me, you have to be able to hold me. Not just the soft parts. Not just the obedient ones. But also the inconvenient truths. The full range of what I feel. The questions I’ll ask. The clarity I bring to naming my needs. My self-confidence alongside my desire for your protection. The breadth of my devotion. To you.

I won’t shrink. I won’t pretend. And I won’t beg to be remembered.

I’ll just move on. And love myself for knowing how.

[Woody1264]

This is so timely for me to read - thank you so much xx

[Deleted Member]

You are super welcome ❤️

[Ki****]

I like reading about your dynamics and emotions related to them. It doesn’t matter the type of relationship, vanilla or darker, truth and trust are always important. It is only through experience that we learn about ourselves and those interrelated and grow from it. In my own situation I reflect on making sure I’m ‘present’ but it is also about being seen and comfortable in our own rights. We can often overlook that when we possibly get obsessed in others and when you step back you see it’s not actually for you. I agree: Don’t shrink, Don’t pretend and move on until you find the one for you. Most of all, and I know it is difficult at times, don’t give up that search.

[La****]

This is an excellent read. It rang very true with me.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, KinkyStoryTeller said:

I like reading about your dynamics and emotions related to them. It doesn’t matter the type of relationship, vanilla or darker, truth and trust are always important. It is only through experience that we learn about ourselves and those interrelated and grow from it. In my own situation I reflect on making sure I’m ‘present’ but it is also about being seen and comfortable in our own rights. We can often overlook that when we possibly get obsessed in others and when you step back you see it’s not actually for you. I agree: Don’t shrink, Don’t pretend and move on until you find the one for you. Most of all, and I know it is difficult at times, don’t give up that search.

Truth and trust, yes 🙌🏿 Thank you for reading and commenting. I absolutely haven’t given up, I’m just spend a bit more time in the evaluation stage. As the saying goes, behaviour is a language

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, Woody1264 said:

This is so timely for me to read - thank you so much xx

You are super welcome ❤️

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

This is an excellent read. It rang very true with me.

Appreciate you and thank you for reading ❤️

[Deleted Member]

43 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

This is an excellent read. It rang very true with me.

You are very welcome, thank you ❤️

[LA****]

Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I hope I can be a Dom who offers more than intensity. It's a dream to be good enough at pleasuring someone that they don't ever leave. It's a fantasy. But, I certainly don't know enough about other factors that can keep someone coming back.

The sub I desire right now is working through trauma. She had a panic attack and asked to step away. It kills me inside to wait for her to text or call me when she's ready. If this patience on my part is what keeps her coming back later, then it is worth it. I really need to be held, myself.

[Br****]

So much masking and the tech facilitates this. I see your thought and feelings, and they are like a mirror to my experiences. Thank you for this beautiful passage.

[Deleted Member]

38 minutes ago, BratWorst said:

So much masking and the tech facilitates this. I see your thought and feelings, and they are like a mirror to my experiences. Thank you for this beautiful passage.

I think you are right with the tech and masking. I’m glad this resonated and thank you for reading ❤️

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, LA_Nerd_Kink said:

Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I hope I can be a Dom who offers more than intensity. It's a dream to be good enough at pleasuring someone that they don't ever leave. It's a fantasy. But, I certainly don't know enough about other factors that can keep someone coming back.

The sub I desire right now is working through trauma. She had a panic attack and asked to step away. It kills me inside to wait for her to text or call me when she's ready. If this patience on my part is what keeps her coming back later, then it is worth it. I really need to be held, myself.

I’m sorry to hear you and your sub are going through a challenging time. Yes, l can appreciate a doms desire to be held too

[ja****]

That was an eye opening and a self revealing moment for me.. thank you

[Deleted Member]

Beautifully said! I'm hooedul of finding a Dom that encompasses all that

[ja****]

4 minutes ago, RopeLamb said:

Beautifully said! I'm hooedul of finding a Dom that encompasses all that

I think it’s a lifetime process, the amount of trust, guidance, and emotional strength and the skills to be able to hold someone so delicate isn’t easy.. yet intimidating for most

[Deleted Member]

So beautifully written, well done!!! Im a guy who enjoys reading immensely and the reasons are because you learn from the author, what the authors gift is to put what many can't figure out how to say inti words and then the reader also feels one with the person written about. When you said you have to hold me not in the soft parts but also in the inconvenient truths I felt that with every fiber in my soul because I think honestly that's what we all feel I think at times can make us unlovable because we are messed up. But we all have our own inconvenient truths and those inconvenient truths need to be loved too