Married to a non-kinky spouse

[Ir****]

So, I am struggling with trying to keep a together where I have grown in my curiosities and desires because of discovering kink. We have a very low sex life to begin with and I am hyper sexual and sex is a bit of my way I cope with stress so put these factors together and we are greatly unbalanced. My spouse is not a self-starter self-discoverer, he is also pretty set as the dominant in our dynamic. I am a switch but no real experience to dominate unless in the right circumstance and it’s not usually with men that my dominate traits come out.

He’s conveyed me taking initiative rather than him but currently I am not interested in truly having that intimate and sexual connection with him to do it. When I’ve tried it doesn’t feel right.

What are some suggestions the fellow kink community might have on trying to bring my repressed primal dom of a husband out of his cage when he feels afraid of it and won’t take the initiative himself? Can I even succeed at this? He’s said he’s interested in some capacity but I keep getting stuck on the problem of initiation and effort for an already small sex life.

Any help, advice, or wisdom would be appreciated because I am on the brink of separating because this is an area I am struggling with and want to have a healthy and balanced relationship with someone that is balanced with me.

[Wo****]

16 minutes ago, IrishSpitfire said:

I am not interested in truly having that intimate and sexual connection with him to do it. When I’ve tried it doesn’t feel right.

 

17 minutes ago, IrishSpitfire said:

I am on the brink of separating because this is an area I am struggling with and want to have a healthy and balanced relationship with someone that is balanced with me.

 

You already know the answer x

[Deleted Member]

He needs to let go of the old fashioned opinion of a man and instead learn to look inward and be willing to listen

[Wi****]

I suppose the only thing I can think of here is to brat, put a system of punishment and reward in place, where you do less for him. He wants the better life, he has to know that you should be punished to motivate you to work harder at pleasing him. So salad for dinner, and if he wants steak he's only going to get it if he gives you a red bottom for not doing it in the first place. Stuff like that, you need to motivate him to play like this, encourage him to take more charge of directing you as to what he wants, and you'll handle the rest. You're going to have to have this kind of conversation sometime though, and you are going to have to accept to compromise too - if you leave him, there's little chance you'll find a perfect dominant man who'll create the ideal living situation that you desire.

[mi****]

Get someone you enjoy ..your happiness matters

[Deleted Member]

33 minutes ago, IrishSpitfire said:

What are some suggestions the fellow kink community might have on trying to bring my repressed primal dom of a husband out of his cage when he feels afraid of it and won’t take the initiative himself? 

Hi 😊.

What is he afraid of? Have you two talked about that?

[Ki****]

Both you need help on this issue
Dm for forward advised

[Oneforpun]

Sounds like an issue me and my partner have had for a long time. We were both afraid to share what we truly wanted at the risk of losing what we already had. We did have that conversation and it worked out, she is supporting the idea I have sex with other partners to help find myself.

A little 2 cents from our life but unsure if it helps you. Wish you both all the best

[Deleted Member]

I was in a low sex for nearly ten years and it was very difficult. Only you know how important this is and whether or not you can live with a compromise on this issue, but I’d suggest finding a psychosexual counor to help you both make the right decisions. I’d also suggest taking the pressure off this issue for a bit. The more I confronted my ex about him having a low sex drive (and not being into kink that way I am) the bigger the wedge I drove between us until he looked for someone else to make him feel like he was enough for them. I wish I’d handled things very differently and been more sympathetic to his side of things as I do think he would have been able to meet my needs if I hadn’t made him feel inadequate over our sex life. Softly softly is best approach if you want any chance of getting what you want and my honest view is that these issues often start outside the bedroom, which means that so do the solutions. Communicate and strengthen the emotional connection between you and you might be surprised what happens in your sex life as a result. You can pm me if you like as I’ve been in your position twice and left two s as a result - where you are is a lonely place to be so if you need a friendly ear just shout!

[Deleted Member]

I have the same issue, just in reverse with a wife who has never been into anything except vanilla sex, which has become less frequent, partly due to her low libido and my boredom.

I have come to realise that the biggest regrets in life are not the mistakes I made or the wrong decisions I took, or even those people that have seriously hurt me (and there have been quite a few). My deepest regrets will not taking the chance to find out more about myself as I explore the BDSM side of my life. That's what's leading my decisions now.

I came across a couple of quotes the other day that sums this all up:

“The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did.”

“Our biggest regrets are not for the things we have done but for the things we haven't done”

My advice: go for what you want/need in life. It's too short to spend feeling regret or feeling nothing at all which was a place I got to......

[Leisa]

I’d love to be able to tell you it will all work out but I’d be remiss in giving a false sense of hope. I lived a vanilla for 10 years with the last 5 being sexually non existent. He had zero interest outside missionary with the lights out and I had zero interest in continuing a sexless . More than that I had zero interest in living a vanilla lie. Best of luck.

[Mo****]

Hey Spitfire.  I have been in your situation but from the dominant's side of things.  I was kinky before getting married, and due to her not being into anything other than very 'soft' aspects of BDSM, I had to put my interests on hold.  I valued what I had with her and the kids, and so wasn't going to push for an open relationship because she wouldn't have been able to handle that, and I was not into cheating, so I went back into vanilla.  I never lost my desires but I never acted on them.  Fast forward a few years and a break-up happened but not as a result of anything sexual.

After that I slowly got back into kink and found enjoyment coming back into my life.

So you say (if I am getting this right because your original post was a bit hard to understand), is that you have tried kink with hubby but he wasn't really into it.  He is the dominant within your relationship but not really into sex or fulfilling sex.  You also say your getting to the point of separation because of a lack luster and unfulfilling sex life.

So Spitfire, you have role played but never had a physical relationship outside your with anyone other than hubby? Would hubby, knowing your desire to get further into BDSM, agree to an open relationship where you had him for everyday and a Dom to satisfy your kinky needs?  Do YOU love hubby and want to keep the relationship, or is the love gone and just together now for convenience until you work out what YOU want to do?

Spitfire the other thing that I would like to say is that there is a need for personal growth.  YOU are obviously growing and wanting to experience, but is hubby growing with you?  If that growth is not there, then you are going to grow apart anyway and end up with a boring mundane existence, and that will not give either of you a satisfying .

[Deleted Member]

You’ve got lots of great advice. I have been in a similar relationship except he had no interest in kink or satisfying me. I think it would be very helpful for you to separate the kink/sexual side from other problems in your relationship. If the kink was as you wanted it to be with him, would you still want to be with him. If not, why not? Put yourself two years in the future - how do you feel if you’re still with him and it’s still the same?

[Si****]

Well... you could always brat your way into it. I know that my little does this when she wants to play but doesnt dare suggest it.
Tho, afterwards she does regret bratting in order to get a spanking from me but...
Seriously! Put salt in his coffee and when he spits it out, stick your tongue out at him and run away giggling... For added affect, you could stop at the top of the stairs and shake your tits at him too 😊

[bo****]

I'm also married to a spouse that thinks kink is weird and foolish. I try to contain my wants and desires. But I to struggle with wanting more. Needing to satisfy my urges and my insatiable appetite for kink. Hoping to find like minded woman to share with

[Th****]

On 8/5/2020 at 4:44 PM, IrishSpitfire said:

He’s conveyed me taking initiative rather than him but currently I am not interested in truly having that intimate and sexual connection with him to do it. When I’ve tried it doesn’t feel right.

What are some suggestions the fellow kink community might have on trying to bring my repressed primal dom of a husband out of his cage when he feels afraid of it and won’t take the initiative himself? Can I even succeed at this? He’s said he’s interested in some capacity but I keep getting stuck on the problem of initiation and effort for an already small sex life.

Okay, you have had some excellent answers.

Now lets break these choices down.

You try to "take the initiative" and bring your "primal dom out of himself."

This road you will be putting in the effort, taking the risk. In effect you will be trying to find the things that triggers his Dom space. Alas just a few steps away from that is the place were he says something along the lines of "What are you doing?!?!"....Or when you go to all the effort to look sexy and make to molest him you get "I am too tired tonight"

These are the polite examples, I have heard far worse. You will be revealing your inner secrets without him doing the same.

You will be leaving yourself wide open to the risk of very hurtful comments, even if they are just careless.

Should you succeed in your aim you will have a D/s relationship you are not interested in having "an intimate and sexual connection with."

 

Secondly.

It is a big scary world but take it slow and use your time to learn in an unhurried way. Ask all the questions you need. Then take your time and find the one that is perfect for you male/female, sub, Dom, or switch and live the life that you patently crave.

 

I hope this helps your choice be an easier route.

 

[La****]

Have you discussed what you like with him? Maybe he wants to do things but isn't sure you would enjoy it. Perhap try talking with him and saying that you would really enjoy anal or deepthroat or being tied up, or whatever and if it was some of those getting a butt plug or handcuffs. Make sure he knows you are into it, tell him you would really enjoy him doing those things. I've had awkward relationships where my partners knew I was into lots of stuff, but they never were but seemed to want to try it. Being experienced and knowing they never were into it kind of puts you in a wierd situation where you know they want to try but not necessarily what and what could be too far. Some stuff we tried like tied up, anal, choking and so on.... but I kept saying we need a chat so I know what you're comfortable with. We didn't last much longer, but I feel we would have had a better sex life if we had a discussion about limits and what was ok.

[Invisible71]

As a guy in a kink free vanilla relationship that isn't even there any more (nigh on two years since we last had sex) the big hole that you have inside is shear hell. 

 

It reached the point for me that it was easier to have the *** of no physical contact than it was the increased *** of being rejected when trying to initiate something. 

 

There is no single answer as every relationship differs. 

As for me, its down to time.... I'm approaching 50 quicker than I ever thought possible and soon the personal situation will be such that I can change things and start to live again.

 

Fetish fills the time between now and then. 

 

Enjoy life, never regret it. 

 

[de****]

On 8/5/2020 at 9:43 PM, Kinky_kat said:

I was in a low sex for nearly ten years and it was very difficult. Only you know how important this is and whether or not you can live with a compromise on this issue, but I’d suggest finding a psychosexual counor to help you both make the right decisions. I’d also suggest taking the pressure off this issue for a bit. The more I confronted my ex about him having a low sex drive (and not being into kink that way I am) the bigger the wedge I drove between us until he looked for someone else to make him feel like he was enough for them. I wish I’d handled things very differently and been more sympathetic to his side of things as I do think he would have been able to meet my needs if I hadn’t made him feel inadequate over our sex life. Softly softly is best approach if you want any chance of getting what you want and my honest view is that these issues often start outside the bedroom, which means that so do the solutions. Communicate and strengthen the emotional connection between you and you might be surprised what happens in your sex life as a result. You can pm me if you like as I’ve been in your position twice and left two s as a result - where you are is a lonely place to be so if you need a friendly ear just shout!

Your post is quite eye opening... I'm in a vanilla , I'm afraid I'm going to make him feel inadequate eventually and to be honest I have no clue how to approach the subject seriously. Hints don't seem to work...

If you fancy a chat, please message me.

[pa****]

I'm 71 and have been around the block a few times in my life. I was married for 30 years, so I know what I'm talking about.
What you do is make a reservation at a small rustic motel
Pack up your toys and sexy clothes, ready for action in your suitcase.
Pick up wine or pot or both.
Don't tell him about any of it and take him out to the motel, sneaky or just wanting to have a fun little getaway.
Have dinner, a few drinks, dance if you want. Wear the outfit that you know he likes the best
Once he is nice and drunk, go to the motel, get all romantic with him. Once he is hot to go, start explaining what you desire for him to "play" a sex game. Keep him sipping on a drink.
Then take all of your things out and show him what you want.
I bet he will instantly be ready for what ever you two care to do with each other.

I hope this works for you babe.
Master Willie

[pa****]

Let me know how it works out for you young lady

[sw****]

Omg I'm dealing with the same thing and I'm getting so tired of it. I'm always putting in all the work and she cums like 3 different times and I'm always wanting to do so much more bit she isnt comfortable in her own skin and I just need someone more for me that I deserve. So frustrating really especially when I get really horny for that full satisfaction. Smh babe