ENM/Consensual Non-monogamy

[Deleted Member]

Recently decided with my nesting partner to begin this lifestyle. Do you have any suggestions on how to get started and things you recommend? Haven’t dated anyone new in 12 years and it is a tad overwhelming.

[Lo****]

Are you interested in dating together like in a swinging capacity or separately?

[vi****]

Say good bye to your marriage

[SolarFlare]

get out and meet people in real life. Go to a munch or an event

[fe****]

Be honest and open with everyone involved. Decided ahead of time of what rules have to be followed and re-evaluate the rules occasionally to ensure they are still work or if something new needs to be added. Have fun with it.

[Deleted Member]

Discuss every tiny detail.

Before you start meeting other people, it’s great to have good foundations in your existing relationship.

What type of non monogamy dynamic will you be participating in?
What do you feel comfortable in knowing/not knowing about your partner’s non monogamous activities? And viceversa.
What are the limits?
What are you insecurities and your partner’s insecurities?
How can you support each other? How does your partner feel support and how do you feel supported?

There’s not 1 right answer to this. The best bet is to make the choices that make you and your relationship dynamic most comfortable, safe, and enjoyable.

You might establish a dynamic at first and after trying it out, you might find out you’d rather change or tweak a few things.

That’s all good and it’s normal as well.

You’ll both learn as you go.

And as for meeting new people, always put your existing relationship first and make sure the people you engage with are okay with it and understand your limits.

Be safe and have fun!

It’s not different from any other way of relating. Just be honest and you’ll find kind hearted people to connect with ✨

[Deleted Member]

Personally, just taking things at your own pace, setting expectations for potential partners, and ensuring you communicate that transparent communication is mandatory. That requires that you also do the same for your partners.

[Co****]

I don’t know about others, but we joined FEELD so we didn’t hurt those on the dating apps looking for monogamy. It’s been a little better than the regular dating apps and I’ve met some lovely people. But we are nomads and can’t really be anything other than comets in others lives right now. I wish you the best of luck!

[Ma****]

Feeld

[Bi****]

First find someone whom you have attraction too and has attraction with you and find out if they want to be in a non monogamous relationship yes plan where you'd be hanging out things you guys want to do

[Pe****]

Depends on what you want to try and like

[Ma****]

I completely understand! We were overwhelmed when we started a year ago. Go slow and stick to your own rules/principles. Pushy people are usually fake or worse so if they keep asking for something that you are not comfortable with and have said no already to, cut them off. Take kink tests just to get an idea of what you might be interested in but know that you can change. Research research research! Lingo, equipment, dynamics, etc. Don't be afraid to speak up and to take breaks from it all when you need to.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, LovinLife4Sure said:

Are you interested in dating together like in a swinging capacity or separately?

Dating solo actually with support of partner

[Deleted Member]

Lot of great comments. Thanks everyone! I have been using FEELD for almost a month on the suggestion of our couples therapist. Just trying to get my feet wet has been hard and scary as hell lol 😅

[pu****]

We've been practicing ethical non-monogamy for about 10 years now. It's been interesting. My partner used to do the fishing until she got frustrated at the fact that more women wanted to be with her than me, but it's been fruitful. And you're right, you need to keep to your rules and stick to your morals. There are a lot of people out there that just want to *** away into your relationship and you need to be strong and keep that from happening

[J4****]

Start by researching! So important up get off on the right foot. Lurk in forums, they always have resources & good energy

[Deleted Member]

There’s a lot of internalized monogamous programming that you’ll need to work on before you either of you start seeing other people, both for the sake of your existing relationship as much as the new relationships you hope to make.

In my opinion the most important part is breaking down all of the hierarchy that comes with “opening up”. DO NOT REAL POLYSECURE as it is full of horrible advice that is focused on preserving your previously existing relationship at the expense of the people who are willing to take the risk of dating you. Realize that you don’t own your partner or their time and visa versa.

Break down the difference between default time (when you’re both at home) and intentional time (dedicated date time).

Understand that rules will always be broken and it’s you can’t police your partners behavior.

Set healthy boundaries around safer sex practices, testing, use of barriers, what either of you will do if you catch an STI or get pregnant.

Figure out your policy on hosting— can either of you host at your home? In your bed? What flavor of polyamory appeals to you— parallel, garden party, or kitchen table.

What about BDSM— are you both comfortable seeing marks on each others body? Can either one of you enter into new D/s agreements freely? Would you or your partner be offended if one of you wore another partner’s collar?

Understand the role of a hinge in a poly relationship.

Truly grok that your relationship is going to change forever. Polyamory is amazing and I wouldn’t live my life any other way, but relationships and dynamics are constantly waxing and waning as people make new connections. The illusion of security you get from monogamy is going to be gone and you’ll need to face your ***s and insecurities. This is not easy nor is it for the faint of heart.

[al****]

It’s important to understand why you want to engage and date people period, even your existing partner. I think it’s amazing for helping to fully define how you want to engage with people across the board. Non monogamy can be a full spectrum of relationships, all durations types of engagement literally everything. You might fall in love with someone else. You might find amazing friends that you do or don’t have sex with over time. Be intentional about why you connect with people, what connection means to you and what it brings to your life, and how you can offer yourself and your capacity for vulnerability and intimacy to other people. Are you looking to explore and experiment? Do you want to build romantic connection and are you prepared to have more than one romantic connection? Can you be present for more than one romantic connection in a way that aligns with the needs of all individuals? Are you prepared to not compare loves? When people say take things slow, this is part of what they mean. There’s no rush and what you want and can be present for will change over time. Just be radically honest with yourself and everyone else. If something bothers you, dig into it, don’t ignore or project. If you’re just looking for attention and affirmation, say that. That’s ok! Someone wants to engage with that with you and that’s beautiful! I love this lifestyle because you can manifest and find any connection you’re looking for and transparency is at the core of that. Try watch out for acting in ways out of obligation from monogamy. Like don’t do things to be romantic bc you’re sleeping with someone. Romantic and sexual connection don’t have to be the same thing for everyone and not being clear and intentional will cause unnecessary ***. Some *** and sadness will definitely happen, and heartbreak, just like all dating and connections

[On****]

1 hour ago, OttoTechnika said:

There’s a lot of internalized monogamous programming that you’ll need to work on before you either of you start seeing other people, both for the sake of your existing relationship as much as the new relationships you hope to make.

In my opinion the most important part is breaking down all of the hierarchy that comes with “opening up”. DO NOT REAL POLYSECURE as it is full of horrible advice that is focused on preserving your previously existing relationship at the expense of the people who are willing to take the risk of dating you. Realize that you don’t own your partner or their time and visa versa.

Break down the difference between default time (when you’re both at home) and intentional time (dedicated date time).

Understand that rules will always be broken and it’s you can’t police your partners behavior.

Set healthy boundaries around safer sex practices, testing, use of barriers, what either of you will do if you catch an STI or get pregnant.

Figure out your policy on hosting— can either of you host at your home? In your bed? What flavor of polyamory appeals to you— parallel, garden party, or kitchen table.

What about BDSM— are you both comfortable seeing marks on each others body? Can either one of you enter into new D/s agreements freely? Would you or your partner be offended if one of you wore another partner’s collar?

Understand the role of a hinge in a poly relationship.

Truly grok that your relationship is going to change forever. Polyamory is amazing and I wouldn’t live my life any other way, but relationships and dynamics are constantly waxing and waning as people make new connections. The illusion of security you get from monogamy is going to be gone and you’ll need to face your ***s and insecurities. This is not easy nor is it for the faint of heart.

👆👆👆👆👆👆 I was going to comment but all this!! I will only add that being secure in your relationship(s) comes from honesty communication and consistency with all partners. I also travel, feeld is another great app for meeting others, take your time, check in with your partner often, leave nothing unsaid and be honest with how you're both feeling. It's been my experience she will have far more dates or offers so be ready for that. Good luck 🤞 14R

[Deleted Member]

Go to the woods, have him chase you down haha

[He****]

4 hours ago, OttoTechnika said:

There’s a lot of internalized monogamous programming that you’ll need to work on before you either of you start seeing other people, both for the sake of your existing relationship as much as the new relationships you hope to make.

In my opinion the most important part is breaking down all of the hierarchy that comes with “opening up”. DO NOT REAL POLYSECURE as it is full of horrible advice that is focused on preserving your previously existing relationship at the expense of the people who are willing to take the risk of dating you. Realize that you don’t own your partner or their time and visa versa.

Break down the difference between default time (when you’re both at home) and intentional time (dedicated date time).

Understand that rules will always be broken and it’s you can’t police your partners behavior.

Set healthy boundaries around safer sex practices, testing, use of barriers, what either of you will do if you catch an STI or get pregnant.

Figure out your policy on hosting— can either of you host at your home? In your bed? What flavor of polyamory appeals to you— parallel, garden party, or kitchen table.

What about BDSM— are you both comfortable seeing marks on each others body? Can either one of you enter into new D/s agreements freely? Would you or your partner be offended if one of you wore another partner’s collar?

Understand the role of a hinge in a poly relationship.

Truly grok that your relationship is going to change forever. Polyamory is amazing and I wouldn’t live my life any other way, but relationships and dynamics are constantly waxing and waning as people make new connections. The illusion of security you get from monogamy is going to be gone and you’ll need to face your ***s and insecurities. This is not easy nor is it for the faint of heart.

My ex wife is a therapist that "specializes " in polyamory, and this is her favorite recommendation. I guess she never read the part about letting NRE f**k over your existing partnerships

[Be****]

There are some amazing books out there; The Ethical Slut, PolySecure, More Than Two, Stories from the Polycule. I would recommend reading some, discuss these with your partner, good polyamory is always about honesty!

[Deleted Member]

Communication is key. Be open and honest with eachother. Keep and open mind but if something doesn't feel right, speak up! Check in with yourself and eachother constantly. update your wants and boundaries. Only then should you consider what, when and who with. That would be my advice and enjoy the experience of your journey.

[ey****]

first thing is of course that - a question to ask yourselves is why are you doing it and what do you hope to get from it?

you mentioned above solo dating with partners backing/approval/support

ok - so - are you prepared for the rollercoaster if one person gets a new relationship before the other? The new relationship energy, the losing them for however many days per week/month, so on?

There's an awful lot of what if's you're going to have to manage and these do work best if your relationship is rock solid

it also feels like you are going with a 'primary' approach, that you will still be primary partners - so of course consider that other people might also have to deal with, well, being a second... those already in ENM lifestyles may be more prepared 

It might be worth looking to see if there are any non-mono socials, not so much for attempts to pick up, but to really get a feel of how others there do and manage things. 

[Le****]

I’m new to the lifestyle myself but all the research I’ve done stress the importance of setting ground rules but also keep in mind that if a rule isn’t working or no longer serves a purpose then the rules can change.