Vetting Tips for New FWBs

[Deleted Member]

This is not a kinky ad or me searching for a fwb. This is a genuine question asking for tips and advice.

How do you go about vetting someone when searching for a fwb? I know open communication is key but what happens when you are totally honest with what you are seeking and still keep failing?

Are there steps that anyone follows when they are wanting an ongoing fwb situation?

This may sound naive but I am failing terribly. I find someone that interests me. We chat for awhile here. Then move to text for awhile. Then after a good spell finally decide to meet.

Hopefully this part is allowed, I’m iffy on the faqs in threads even though I’ve read the faqs. So mods if this part is not allowed please delete.

Well one of two things normally happen to me.
1.) We meet face to face. Talk for awhile . Seem to be clicking and we make out or mess around and promise to meet up again. But then they disappear.
2. ) Same as above but we actually get to the “benefits” part and do see each other again but it gets longer and longer between meets until they fade away.

Am I just naive? Is this how this dynamic is supposed to go? I’m really wanting the friends part of the FWB too. We don’t have to hang constantly but it be nice to have some sort of connection.

Any tips or advice? I’m not wanting to increase my body count! I’m almost to the point that I rather just do without rather then going through this process over again.

[Deleted Member]

Good question ... I'm going to follow so I can figure it out too

[PL****]

13 minutes ago, MrKro55 said:

Good question ... I'm going to follow so I can figure it out too

Same

[Sl****]

1.Need to be very clear about what you want from the jump
2.Make sure you both are actually genuinely attracted to one another in all aspects
3.When you both are around each other it should be very relaxed chill and cool like you both have to vibe with each other and be comfortable around 1 another
4.Make sure you both are into the same things whenever you are intimate sometimes be spontaneous master the craft of whatever your into
5.Planned sex is hit or miss trust me if you let it happen naturally it's way better
6.Foreplay is key as well as how you both act after the fact
Its more but I'ma leave it at that for a start

[th****]

I have a few friends that i have an agreed fwb relationship and i can confidently say that you guys have to be pretty good friends if you would like it to be lasting.

Consistent attraction and common interests make it easier for you to not drift apart.

Life happens, there will be times where they might not want anything sexual for a while whether that be because they get into relationships or just life shifting events. In these cases you should be a genuine friend with no expectation of things picking back up. Theyll surely appreciate you for that.

Understand that its usually pretty common to see them a little more high up than your normal friends. Theres an unmatched level of intimacy that you share that kinda lingers in the air.

You gotta prepare yourself for if someone ends up maybe wanting more. Its quite the ordeal if this happens as you have to be very delicate (if they deserve the patience) because they are still your friend after all. At that point it may be time to take a step back from things if they cant get over it (or alternatively if you feel the same give it a go 🕺🏾)

[Deleted Member]

I appreciate all the likes but can I get some comments?

[Ta****]

Look No1UNo2day, FWB sounds simple, just hook up and keep it casual, but it turns into a mess without some basic rules. In my experience here is what matters if you don’t want drama or regrets.
Get tested for STDs first, full check. If they won’t do it or make excuses, walk away. No one needs surprise souvenirs that last way longer than the fun. On ***, hotel rooms run $160-300 for a decent spot. If you’ve both got jobs, split it. Nothing builds resentment faster than one person always paying while the other just shows up.
Communication’s key too. If they ghost for days, forget it. You’re clearly not a priority. Set that straight early or it’ll drive you nuts.
And hygiene? Shower, smell decent, brush your teeth. Discovering mid-action that they skipped washing their stinky ass for days kills the mood dead. Gross.

Plus, be real about feelings. Don’t pretend you’re both cool with casual if one starts catching emotions or getting jealous. It blows up fast. Talk boundaries upfront, keep it discreet, and put in effort from both sides or it’ll fizzle into awkward bullsh*t. Treat it like a team thing with rules, or just skip it.

[Deleted Member]

26 minutes ago, TakesWhatHeWants said:

Look No1UNo2day, FWB sounds simple, just hook up and keep it casual, but it turns into a mess without some basic rules. In my experience here is what matters if you don’t want drama or regrets.
Get tested for STDs first, full check. If they won’t do it or make excuses, walk away. No one needs surprise souvenirs that last way longer than the fun. On ***, hotel rooms run $160-300 for a decent spot. If you’ve both got jobs, split it. Nothing builds resentment faster than one person always paying while the other just shows up.
Communication’s key too. If they ghost for days, forget it. You’re clearly not a priority. Set that straight early or it’ll drive you nuts.
And hygiene? Shower, smell decent, brush your teeth. Discovering mid-action that they skipped washing their stinky ass for days kills the mood dead. Gross.

Plus, be real about feelings. Don’t pretend you’re both cool with casual if one starts catching emotions or getting jealous. It blows up fast. Talk boundaries upfront, keep it discreet, and put in effort from both sides or it’ll fizzle into awkward bullsh*t. Treat it like a team thing with rules, or just skip it.

Thank You.. all valid points.

[Deleted Member]

Sadly, some guys are just horny. They'll agree to a lot when horny. Then when not horny, there's no excitement, no challenge and especially if they have more than one FWB, then the drive and need isn't there. I'm like you tho, the friendship is very important to me and I believe it actually helps make the sex more comfortable and intense. But I've seen so many buddies that only want the hole and talking or anything else ruins it for them. All I can say is treat it like dating, no sex on the first visit. Then you can see if the friendship will flourish. And keep it simple. Any complications whether it be distance, or... Will only strain the friendship and make it less likely to become a LTR. Good luck

[Li****]

Everyone is being so nice and helpful… look if the same guy you saw on a different dating app now wants to be FWB but didn’t hit you up there he’s not looking for anything but getting laid. When you advertise looking for that dynamic you will find 99% of the time just guys who want to get some and move one, if you’ve had multiple encounters you obviously are good at what you do but even the worst of the worst eventually feels guilty by leading you on. So you either have to pick the guys who you like the response from them or pick the guys you instantly want to have f**k you. There is no in between. Be honest with them and with yourself and enjoy the experience but never forget that any connection has to be good long before people get naked or it’s sh*t.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, thatsbigmomo said:

I have a few friends that i have an agreed fwb relationship and i can confidently say that you guys have to be pretty good friends if you would like it to be lasting.

Consistent attraction and common interests make it easier for you to not drift apart.

Life happens, there will be times where they might not want anything sexual for a while whether that be because they get into relationships or just life shifting events. In these cases you should be a genuine friend with no expectation of things picking back up. Theyll surely appreciate you for that.

Understand that its usually pretty common to see them a little more high up than your normal friends. Theres an unmatched level of intimacy that you share that kinda lingers in the air.

You gotta prepare yourself for if someone ends up maybe wanting more. Its quite the ordeal if this happens as you have to be very delicate (if they deserve the patience) because they are still your friend after all. At that point it may be time to take a step back from things if they cant get over it (or alternatively if you feel the same give it a go 🕺🏾)

I think this is what I’m missing. I don’t seem to be able to get to the friends outside the sex part. To be honest, working from home I don’t get a lot of real world interaction to meet people. Hence looking for friends in places like this. And looking for new friends at hobbies or interest I go to. Maybe a hindrance for me is that I am very introverted and very shy face to face.

[kr****]

Leave a guy alone after first time :) if he will come back, then something might happen. Overall even men themselves often don’t know if they will want a second date :) it might look different before and after sex

[FE****]

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[UK****]

As has been said, many men want a regular sex partner, not really the friends part.  Do they ask about and care about things going on in your life?  Is this a surface scratch so it looks they aren't so shallow?

When you are struggling, will they be there to talk?  Ideally, find people who are interesting outside of kink too.

[wa****]

So you wanted to have fun with benefits but you also wanted to have a deep connection of friendship but it wasn't going the way you initially intended it or you wanted to eventually grow into something different or add on to it's already there talk to me sometime I was a guidance counselor back in the day I was good advising people on things talk to me long enough you'll see sadly if you and the other person is the only thing that was you two together was physical and nothing more and that's what it is because relationships are things you work at things you don't just thank you you throw it down it'll grow on its own a relationship is like a baby bonsai tree only through careful nurture and pruning does it become a beautiful masterpiece relationships are the same way

[ey****]

7 hours ago, No1UNo2day said:

I’m really wanting the friends part of the FWB too.

I think that's the issue.

And this isn't something you're doing wrong. And, arguably, even the other people might just be perspectives. 

So, I have friends I see most weeks. And then those where we are friends, but it's ad hoc.   And what we do can depend on the circle we're friends from.  So somewhat within this defining what the friends side of things looks like is a big part.  This is also something important in a first coffee date also that your expectations are that you will be friends, it won't just be sexy fun times and what that looks like to you both.

[Ro****]

From a solo polyamory (Solo Poly) perspective, your "failures" might actually be a sign that your vetting process is working—it’s just filtering for the wrong things.
Solo poly folks prioritize autonomy and often seek "secondary" style connections that are deep but don't hit the relationship escalator, which is very similar to a high-quality FWB.
Here is how you might refine your vetting process:
1. Shift from "FWB" to "Friends First"Many people use "FWB" as a euphemism for "low-effort hookup." If you want an ongoing situation, focus on the Friend part.
The Solo Poly Tip: Vet for "Relationship Orientation." Ask them: "What does your ideal casual connection look like after six months?" If they can’t describe a friendship, they are likely looking for a "hit and run."
2. Define "Benefits" Beyond the PhysicalIf people disappear after sex, they might have "scarcity mindset"—they got what they wanted and moved on.

The Solo Poly Tip: Look for Consistency over Intensity. A person who texts back reliably before you meet is more likely to stay consistent after. If the pre-meet energy is a "whirlwind," the post-sex "fade" is almost guaranteed.
3. Screen for "Autonomous" Partners
The "fade away" often happens because the other person doesn't have the "life space" for a recurring partner, or they are "monkey-branching" to a monogamous relationship.
The Solo Poly Tip:
Ask about their schedule and other commitments early. If they say they are "looking for the one" or are "super busy but making an exception for you," they aren't a good candidate for a stable, ongoing FWB.
4. The "Vibe Check" vs. The "Value Check"
Clicking and making out is a "vibe check." To stop the disappearing act, you need a "value check."
The Solo Poly Tip:
Be radically explicit. Say: "I value consistency. I’m looking for someone who wants to see each other [once a week/twice a month] reliably. Does that fit into your actual life, or is that more than you're looking for?"
Why they "Fade":
In solo poly circles, we call this "Polyamory Under Duress" or "Casual-by-Default."
Many people choose FWB because they are afraid of commitment, not because they value the connection. You want to find people who are "Casual-by-Design"—people who intentionally choose this lifestyle because they love their independence but value recurring intimacy.

[po****]

I dunno about vetting someone but whenever you find yourself in a new situation or around strangers you can always practice the OODA loop.

It was developed by some Colonel in the air *** to use when dog Fighting airplanes but really is a good way to navigate just about any sticky situation one may find themselves in

The OODA loop when applied relationships, could be used as a situational awareness tool that help you quickly read the room, adapt to your date’s behavior, make confident decisions about the connection, and act according to what you want.

1. Observe
This is about taking in your environment and your date's actions. Instead of focusing on getting a "perfect" impression, look at how they interact with the world and you.

Body Language: Notice crossed arms, fidgeting, or how they lean into the conversation.

Social Interactions: Observe how they treat waitstaff or bartenders.

Communication: Pay attention to the questions they ask versus how much they talk about themselves

2. Orient
Observation is useless without context. Orientation is the step where you process the info through your own values, past experiences, and expectations and decide where you go from that moment.

Context is Key: Did they show up late because of a massive accident or do they just not value your time?

3. Decide
Based on how you oriented the information, you decide on the next course of action.

If the conversation is flowing, your decision might be to bring up a *** topic to take the connection deeper. Alternatively, if you catch major red flags, your decision may be to wrap up the date politely and move on.

4. Act
Execute your decision in real-time. This could mean asking a follow-up question, laughing at a joke, or ordering an Uber home. Once you act, the situation changes, bringing you immediately back to the Observe phase to see how your action impacted the dynamic

Helps you stay adaptable: Dating is unpredictable. The loop reminds you that your game plan should constantly update as you learn more about who the other person is.

Curbs toxic patterns: If you notice a habit of ignoring red flags, consciously going through the "Orient" phase ***s you to evaluate data objectively rather than forcing a connection.

As for finding and vetting actual people, yea... Beats the hell out of me. I can barely find my keys

[th****]

8 hours ago, No1UNo2day said:

I think this is what I’m missing. I don’t seem to be able to get to the friends outside the sex part. To be honest, working from home I don’t get a lot of real world interaction to meet people. Hence looking for friends in places like this. And looking for new friends at hobbies or interest I go to. Maybe a hindrance for me is that I am very introverted and very shy face to face.

my advice to you is go be a lil more scarce about the sex part so you can see who actually wants to be your friend and who just wants a quick hookup so they can move onto the next

[Ba****]

Well it’s not really the type of relationships you can just get into with strangers

Not counting ex-lovers you kind of have to either start as friends and open the sexual aspects later on or you start with NSA and develop a friendship from there

So „vetting tips for new FWBs“; none
You don’t, for the former it can be disrespectful and for the latter you should be done with it already

But my only tip on getting „friends part“ to work is just; be a friend
You know, share hobbies and/or go out in groups beyond just the two of you and/or just chill around each other, just „normal“ platonic friendship interactions
If every time you meet things get sexual then you are not FWB you are f**k-buddies
And if you want the friendship to outlast the benefits then you need to prioritize accordingly

[Sl****]

Another thing you have to be actual friends

[Mi****]

I think the friendship is key... otherwise its just a series of hookups where you may not really value each other and it ends up fading or abruptly end.
So its kind of tough to find the fwb as opposed to hookup or short-term relationship.

[La****]

Hopefully this doesnt sound harsh but if you want the truth and to stop wasting your time and get better results... they probably arent that attracted to you. If they were, trust me, they wouldn't disappear. Send them clear unfiltered well lit pics. Close ups of face and body. Do not use tricks to hide body. Show them who you are so they arent disappointed when you meet. It just wastes everyone's time.

[An****]

I'm noticing the same thing. Ppl are using FWB request with no interest in the F part. F part involves time and effort to get to the WB part.

[ki****]

Find a munch or meet to go to.