Vetting Tips for New FWBs

[DO****]

I think @MistressDevilla is on the *** here because without an honest friendship, where both parties agree and align on matters other than sex/ kink it will probably fizzle and die like any sex only oriented relationship does.

 I did that for years with a woman who eventually became my wife and again eventually my ex. That portions unimportant! The fact remains the same that for at least six years we would meet up hang out, have great times go to parties talk and get it on in a very mutualy satisfying way. There was also no real expectation of commitment other than the responsibilities of good friends. Conversely there was no jealousy towards one another when they had plans elsewhere. But respectful communication is essential. Hope this helps. Good luck in your search.

[Su****]

13 hours ago, RogueLynx said:

From a solo polyamory (Solo Poly) perspective, your "failures" might actually be a sign that your vetting process is working—it’s just filtering for the wrong things.
Solo poly folks prioritize autonomy and often seek "secondary" style connections that are deep but don't hit the relationship escalator, which is very similar to a high-quality FWB.
Here is how you might refine your vetting process:
1. Shift from "FWB" to "Friends First"Many people use "FWB" as a euphemism for "low-effort hookup." If you want an ongoing situation, focus on the Friend part.
The Solo Poly Tip: Vet for "Relationship Orientation." Ask them: "What does your ideal casual connection look like after six months?" If they can’t describe a friendship, they are likely looking for a "hit and run."
2. Define "Benefits" Beyond the PhysicalIf people disappear after sex, they might have "scarcity mindset"—they got what they wanted and moved on.

The Solo Poly Tip: Look for Consistency over Intensity. A person who texts back reliably before you meet is more likely to stay consistent after. If the pre-meet energy is a "whirlwind," the post-sex "fade" is almost guaranteed.
3. Screen for "Autonomous" Partners
The "fade away" often happens because the other person doesn't have the "life space" for a recurring partner, or they are "monkey-branching" to a monogamous relationship.
The Solo Poly Tip:
Ask about their schedule and other commitments early. If they say they are "looking for the one" or are "super busy but making an exception for you," they aren't a good candidate for a stable, ongoing FWB.
4. The "Vibe Check" vs. The "Value Check"
Clicking and making out is a "vibe check." To stop the disappearing act, you need a "value check."
The Solo Poly Tip:
Be radically explicit. Say: "I value consistency. I’m looking for someone who wants to see each other [once a week/twice a month] reliably. Does that fit into your actual life, or is that more than you're looking for?"
Why they "Fade":
In solo poly circles, we call this "Polyamory Under Duress" or "Casual-by-Default."
Many people choose FWB because they are afraid of commitment, not because they value the connection. You want to find people who are "Casual-by-Design"—people who intentionally choose this lifestyle because they love their independence but value recurring intimacy.

Thank you so much for this!!

[ai****]

I've been friends with my fwb for 14 years and 12 of those has been as fwb. There's a lot already said which I agree with, and has been articulated a lot better then what I can, but just having a solid friendship that isn't built on sex is really important.

My fwb and i have explored a lot of kink together, and for me, he's the only person to successfully dom me to the point of auto-submission, but I think that's because of the trust that's naturally built up over time and bond that's been formed. We're open and honest with each other, and actively support each other when it comes to other sexual partners if that's what someone wants to explore.

So I guess its just making sure that, when vetting, you can have or see them as a friend. Do things you would do with your friends anyway. The sex may be fun, but if its just sex and bye...just feels more like a f**k buddy, which to me is different.

[Kn****]

Sounds like typical men just telling you what you want to hear, playing the game, just for a piece of a** cause they're desperate.

[La****]

Same here. It seems to be one or the other now days. smh

[Deleted Member]

Friday at 11:33 AM, RogueLynx said:

From a solo polyamory (Solo Poly) perspective, your "failures" might actually be a sign that your vetting process is working—it’s just filtering for the wrong things.
Solo poly folks prioritize autonomy and often seek "secondary" style connections that are deep but don't hit the relationship escalator, which is very similar to a high-quality FWB.
Here is how you might refine your vetting process:
1. Shift from "FWB" to "Friends First"Many people use "FWB" as a euphemism for "low-effort hookup." If you want an ongoing situation, focus on the Friend part.
The Solo Poly Tip: Vet for "Relationship Orientation." Ask them: "What does your ideal casual connection look like after six months?" If they can’t describe a friendship, they are likely looking for a "hit and run."
2. Define "Benefits" Beyond the PhysicalIf people disappear after sex, they might have "scarcity mindset"—they got what they wanted and moved on.

The Solo Poly Tip: Look for Consistency over Intensity. A person who texts back reliably before you meet is more likely to stay consistent after. If the pre-meet energy is a "whirlwind," the post-sex "fade" is almost guaranteed.
3. Screen for "Autonomous" Partners
The "fade away" often happens because the other person doesn't have the "life space" for a recurring partner, or they are "monkey-branching" to a monogamous relationship.
The Solo Poly Tip:
Ask about their schedule and other commitments early. If they say they are "looking for the one" or are "super busy but making an exception for you," they aren't a good candidate for a stable, ongoing FWB.
4. The "Vibe Check" vs. The "Value Check"
Clicking and making out is a "vibe check." To stop the disappearing act, you need a "value check."
The Solo Poly Tip:
Be radically explicit. Say: "I value consistency. I’m looking for someone who wants to see each other [once a week/twice a month] reliably. Does that fit into your actual life, or is that more than you're looking for?"
Why they "Fade":
In solo poly circles, we call this "Polyamory Under Duress" or "Casual-by-Default."
Many people choose FWB because they are afraid of commitment, not because they value the connection. You want to find people who are "Casual-by-Design"—people who intentionally choose this lifestyle because they love their independence but value recurring intimacy.

This is some of the best advice I’ve ever read. Thank you so much!’

[Deleted Member]

Friday at 08:14 PM, LakeOrionMI said:

Hopefully this doesnt sound harsh but if you want the truth and to stop wasting your time and get better results... they probably arent that attracted to you. If they were, trust me, they wouldn't disappear. Send them clear unfiltered well lit pics. Close ups of face and body. Do not use tricks to hide body. Show them who you are so they arent disappointed when you meet. It just wastes everyone's time.

I always show full pictures of myself when I move to the friend stage. The pictures I post here are for privacy sake. So I don’t draw the f*** boys. I am a very private person and want to know a person intellectually before I give more of myself so even though I welcome your advice, I do show myself with full transparency. Full face and full clothed body from head to toe. I don’t want any surprises.

[Sh****]

Hey

You’re not alone in the struggles you’ve faced so far, not in the slightest, even if it feels isolating at times.

**I don’t read threads, so apologies if anything is repeated**

I’ve been on different sides of the unicorn objective, of so many others, to obtain a true and time tested, FriendWithBenefits.

1-Dreaming of what it might be like, and never expecting it to actually happen.
2-Put an add on her for a personal kink, have the spouse contact me, have a meet-n-greet to vibe check and toss out some guiding ground rules, and obtain a FsWB.
3-Currently 2 years with zero meet-n-greets, on here or any dating/sex sites, let alone expect another FWB to Juat drop in my lap.

I live in a smaller population density city, so options are very limited, and obtaining the initial face-to-face meet-n-greet has proven exceedingly difficult.

Being totally honest when asked anhything, may not be currently helping my cause, but it will attract the right person to relax and just be you.

 

[Deleted Member]

I’m in the same boat. I want to vet potential fwb, but men are too exhausting.

[FU****]

I ask about expectations and light boundaries to hard No

[IL****]

If you don't get it in writing, then it never happened.
Always written in ink, not a damn text :Hardlimits, expectations and requirements.

[Ba****]

3 hours ago, saint-louis909285 said:

If you don't get it in writing, then it never happened.
Always written in ink, not a damn text :Hardlimits, expectations and requirements.

Well that is most a aesthetic preference

And if you can’t trust someones word then they are not worth the ink

[JM****]

So can NSA be included or excluded? As a form of FWB ? If we enjoy each other’s company both mentally and physically? Patients take time. But to enjoy ourselves is a great thing. Remember two coworkers became fast friends ended up marrying each other. But she went somewhere else. Let’s just say; he did it again with another coworker at another company. But now he’s really happy. So can Coworkers be involved

[Deleted Member]

Sunday at 03:44 AM, ShyGuy-DOM said:

Hey

You’re not alone in the struggles you’ve faced so far, not in the slightest, even if it feels isolating at times.

**I don’t read threads, so apologies if anything is repeated**

I’ve been on different sides of the unicorn objective, of so many others, to obtain a true and time tested, FriendWithBenefits.

1-Dreaming of what it might be like, and never expecting it to actually happen.
2-Put an add on her for a personal kink, have the spouse contact me, have a meet-n-greet to vibe check and toss out some guiding ground rules, and obtain a FsWB.
3-Currently 2 years with zero meet-n-greets, on here or any dating/sex sites, let alone expect another FWB to Juat drop in my lap.

I live in a smaller population density city, so options are very limited, and obtaining the initial face-to-face meet-n-greet has proven exceedingly difficult.

Being totally honest when asked anhything, may not be currently helping my cause, but it will attract the right person to relax and just be you.

 

I understand the small town problem. My town is literally only 300 people and 1mile square in the middle of nowhere. That’s why I used a larger town close as my hometown.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, chicago38936 said:

So can NSA be included or excluded? As a form of FWB ? If we enjoy each other’s company both mentally and physically? Patients take time. But to enjoy ourselves is a great thing. Remember two coworkers became fast friends ended up marrying each other. But she went somewhere else. Let’s just say; he did it again with another coworker at another company. But now he’s really happy. So can Coworkers be involved

I think NSA is anything you want it to be… I’m not sure about it crossing with FWB though. Because isn’t the friends part the part that is the strings part? I don’t just want sex. I want the friend part.

[Deleted Member]

Friday at 09:12 PM, kittiebrat86 said:

Find a munch or meet to go to.

I’ve been to a couple. They were very cliquey.

[Ta****]

Here are my two cents:

The “F” in FWB doesn’t magically appear on the day you meet. You build that part beforehand by actually talking and figuring out whether you enjoy each other’s company.

If you meet without establishing any connection, it can get awkward fast. You show up, sit across from each other, and suddenly realize the conversation has all the excitement of reading an appliance warranty.

When you do meet, dress to impress. First impressions don’t guarantee success, but they definitely help get your foot in the door. Personally, I like people who are easy to talk to. If carrying on a conversation feels like trying to start a lawn mower with a broken pull cord, then it’s no surprise when someone disappears afterward. Ghosting isn’t always a mystery—sometimes the conversation flatlined before the appetizers arrived.

[Ba****]

7 hours ago, chicago38936 said:

So can NSA be included or excluded? As a form of FWB ? If we enjoy each other’s company both mentally and physically? Patients take time. But to enjoy ourselves is a great thing. Remember two coworkers became fast friends ended up marrying each other. But she went somewhere else. Let’s just say; he did it again with another coworker at another company. But now he’s really happy. So can Coworkers be involved

Like i said in s previous comment,
NSA is one of the starting points that may lead to FWB naturally

Either you are friends who start casually f**king or you f**k casually and develop a friendship

But like No1UNo2day implied the platonic connection of FWB means it’s no longer NSA

[si****]

You have to find someone who shares your interests outside of the bedroom. If you are excluding married or taken partners you're going to find the players out there.

My suggestions.
1. Don't limit yourself. Be open to married guys in open relationships. If you're looking for a FWB but want the partner to be single you're really looking for a relationship without the responsibility of a relationship.

2. Meet up sooner. Stop wasting time texting so much. People don't like to wait. Life is busy. If you're not willing to meet fairly fast you're wasting your time and theirs.

3. Stop putting out too soon. There's a line between too soon and and not soon enough. Thread that line better. If you play hard to get once they get they move on because they've conquered you. You know what line you're closer to. Do the opposite.

4. Be honest. Do you want a pretty boy? A bad boy? Being honest doesn't even just apply to the partner. It means with yourself. Women looking for a bad boy will get used. Just think about what bad boys really are. Trouble. Start looking for partners you normally would pass on. Those are the ones that aren't going to string you along until they get a ride.

Most important try to have fun.

[ER****]

Well said

[Da****]

You just happened to meet the wrong people.. sound you are doing alright.

[th****]

Just be direct honestly.

[he****]

Honestly I think u just gotta keep trying, and when u find what feels like a fun and positive interaction do what u can to keep it. Don't be afraid to keep trying til u find what feels right, and dont be afraid to let go what didn't feel super awesome. Hopefully the other person will feel the same and with open communication u will be on the same page. Good luck to u and me both!