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Taming Expectations

Fo****

By Fo****
in BDSM Forum

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Fo****

Fo****

Posted
I'm a very very new sub. Just started training with a Dom on the other side of the country because it seems like a good way to learn, explore, and have a little extra safety while I'm first learning. I crave discipline. Didn't think that was possible to receive over distance but kudos to him for creativity. Lol! What shocked me though, wasn't the discipline itself (I actually enjoyed that part. Oops ). What shocked me was my emotional freak out after. The "I ***ed him off he's going to disappear now" panic. Tried sharing that with him. He just said how it is important to not overthink (overthinking on something else was actually what the discipline was for in the first place) because it's stressful to me and overwhelming to him. So I've been kind of ***ed and breaking every rule on purpose because "f him!" is the loud thought because what I heard was "You're just the whore. Don't have feelings or at least don't tell me about them if you do. You outside of purely sexual talk is too much." Am I interpreting this right? Am I just expecting too much to think someone could deal with the whole package? Is this dynamic just agreeing to be someone's whore and losing all emotion?

Deleted Member

Posted
I’ve only called a woman “a whore” once. And that was after 3 years together. For me, I prefer stating facts rather than throwing the word around. But, that’s just me
Th****

Th****

Posted
It’s not right. You can be respected and disciplined. And yes you can be a whore - but the word shouldn’t be a weapon. It should be a term of endearment

I’d love to chat more if you’d like messg me
Hezzair

Hezzair

Posted
As the sub, you get to decide what you are comfortable with, and what your limits are. If you like being called a whore, then that word is okay with you. If it does not sit well with you or makes you feel uncomfortable, then no. If you are unsure, then try it out, and see how you feel with it a few times, then make your decision based upon how you feel, whether it be positive or negative. That way it is an informed decision. The advantage of an online relationship is yes, it is safe in that you are at no physical risk, but you still can be harmed emotionally and mentally. One thing a lot of dominants like is orgasm control with edging and orgasm denial. That can be very fun, and rewarding if done well and correctly. It can also be very damaging and abusive if done incorrectly. A lot of guys think if they have a belt and roll up their sleeves they are a Dom. Spanking a lady's ass and saying suck me off doesn't make you a Dom either.
Th****

Th****

Posted
2 minutes ago, Hezzair said:
As the sub, you get to decide what you are comfortable with, and what your limits are. If you like being called a whore, then that word is okay with you. If it does not sit well with you or makes you feel uncomfortable, then no. If you are unsure, then try it out, and see how you feel with it a few times, then make your decision based upon how you feel, whether it be positive or negative. That way it is an informed decision. The advantage of an online relationship is yes, it is safe in that you are at no physical risk, but you still can be harmed emotionally and mentally. One thing a lot of dominants like is orgasm control with edging and orgasm denial. That can be very fun, and rewarding if done well and correctly. It can also be very damaging and abusive if done incorrectly. A lot of guys think if they have a belt and roll up their sleeves they are a Dom. Spanking a lady's ass and saying suck me off doesn't make you a Dom either.

Well said.

Deleted Member

Posted
I'm starting out too and I quickly learned that some experienced Doms want to instantly recreate past relationships they've had before encountering me. They get excited that we can be molded to their liking, but they don't actually have the patience to teach. All I can say is be as picky as you want to be, you don't have to submit to emotional *** just because you want to be a sub. Walk away at the first red flag, there are many more out there willing to do right by you.
Th****

Th****

Posted
4 minutes ago, RopeLamb said:
I'm starting out too and I quickly learned that some experienced Doms want to instantly recreate past relationships they've had before encountering me. They get excited that we can be molded to their liking, but they don't actually have the patience to teach. All I can say is be as picky as you want to be, you don't have to submit to emotional *** just because you want to be a sub. Walk away at the first red flag, there are many more out there willing to do right by you.

There is nothing sexier than strong women who are willing to submit and share their charms with us. This is what I love to see in my sweet baby girls

Power that can be tamed. What an honor to have that opportunity

Qu****

Qu****

Posted
I read over your post twice and correct me if I'm wrong. But the quote of "you're just the whore..." is your interpretation of what he said because he told you it was overwhelming to him? It sounds like you both need to have a frank discussion about each other's needs & desires. If you need to be reassured about him caring for you in the aftercare while he doesn't feel like he can do that for you, then it won't work out. Every dynamic is different, but I can tell you I have cut off platonic play partners because they thought it was OK to go to their romantic partners for their aftercare while leaving me in the lurch as a top.
se****

se****

Posted
Reading your post, this sounds like a Your Anxiety problem more than a Dom problem. You said you were afraid you ***ed him off and he would disappear then went about purposely pushing him away when you didn't get the emotional response you wanted. But what emotional response were you even looking for? I'd find it overwhelming too if I just punished someone for overthinking, then had them flip out on me because they have no emotional self-control. The dynamic absolutely requires more emotional self-awareness than you demonstrate in your post.
Ms****

Ms****

Posted
I would say I have had a similar experience. It can just be a "drop" from subspace (when you feel that euphoria, doing and embodying being a sub, it causes endorphins to rush your system, making you feel amazing). After subspace ends, naturally your body comes down or "crashes" after the endorphins go away. This is feeling of panic, the overthinking, becoming scared because you want to experience that again, but you are scared they will leave or not want you and you will never get to the "h*gh" again. There are ways to avoid this crash, even long distance. Many new or young doms do not understand this and are not giving the aftercare you need. Please do research, on your own about subspace and avoiding a drop.... and what your dom can do to support you to avoid it and what he can do to reassure you if you do. It's OK to be learning these things together. As an overthinker, it's important to be able to express yourself, but to also listen and believe a person when they say you're over thinking doesn't match what they are feeling about you or the situation. I had someone who was patient with me and let me vent, but then had the understanding to tell me that I was taking it too far and my spiraling was actually going to ruin our dynamic if I chose not to believe him when he said he wanted to be with me. I had to recognize that while I needed reassurance from him, if I was that insecure, I wasn't ready for a deeper connection with a dom. You should always be able to express your feelings and concerns - if that person cares for you, they will help you down off the ledge of over thinking and wrap you up in adoration and care... but you have to be willing to step away from the ledge and embrace someone who wants to embrace you back. These dynamics often bring out our insecurities, sometimes to a point that we realize, this dynamic can't heal us, we must work on ourselves and then be able to build something beautiful together.
Fo****

Fo****

Posted
  • Author
To clarify, he didn't outright call me a whore. But his unwillingness to hear me or care when I emotionally spiralled felt to me as though he was telling me thats all I am to him. My bigger concern is am I in the wrong to expect to be able to process or just express the emotion with him after or is it on me to stuff what I feel so it doesn't mess with his fun?
Ms****

Ms****

Posted
10 minutes ago, ForeverKitty said:
To clarify, he didn't outright call me a whore. But his unwillingness to hear me or care when I emotionally spiralled felt to me as though he was telling me thats all I am to him. My bigger concern is am I in the wrong to expect to be able to process or just express the emotion with him after or is it on me to stuff what I feel so it doesn't mess with his fun?

I understood this and why I didn't address the wh*re comment. You need to both express your feelings and believe whatever he tells you about his feeling about the situation. You can't expect a dom to know all the right answers every time, just like you can't be expected to be a sub all the time, just focused on sex or being a sexual being. He needs room to grow as a person too and if he isn't looking to be more and better, just like you, trying to be more and better at being a sub, then he is probably not the right one for you. That is hard to swallow and it will be a grieving process before you can move on to someone new.

Qu****

Qu****

Posted
No, it is not only on you to process your emotions afterwards. Anytime I do a scene (mind you I'm doing it irl) 1. I go through aftercare (did you get any aftercare?), 2. I tell them that they are free to contact me if they experience any sort of drop (which from the way you're describing things is what you experienced), and 3. If they're either new or it was a particularly intense scene I arrange to contact them a few days after to check in because some won't reach out.
Tr****

Tr****

Posted
At every step in the adventure you must be saying “yes” for YOU. Not them.

You must be ok with your choice.

And if you are not happy with their treatment of you, you should let go.

I have played similarly and he should be giving you aftercare - the fact that he refused to support you with the kind of care you needed (talking it out) is a bit of a red flag.

These relationships are an exchange.

He may enjoy pics, video, conversation - that is his kink. You enjoyed the discipline. But when play is over, aftercare and support is necessary.

Perhaps they are not the dom for you


Fo****

Fo****

Posted
  • Author
Thank you Quixote and MsRed for the info on the drop after. I didn't expect that would happen in a long distance scenario. At all. But what you're saying does make sense and I think that he meant well but maybe isn't able to help me with any aftermath. And maybe I can't handle that. I also appreciate Sevenkisses take. Yes I do need to work on my issues. I can be overwhelming. And I do need to develop better emotional control. At the same time, I need to feel heard, too. Hopefully, I can learn those skills sooner rather than later. Thank you all for your input.
RedFoxUK

RedFoxUK

Posted
As with any and all relationships communication is key. You should be able to talk calmy and honestly without *** of reprisals or belittlement. Your feelings, needs and desires are valid, no matter what. A good Dom will listen, adapt where necessary and have the best interests of his Sub at heart.

Deleted Member

Posted
I must admit. Calling my ex a whore while destroying her ass was pleasurable. We didn’t use words like “sub” or anything.. she was probably surprised or maybe ***ed off. Personally, I never cared what she thought
RedFoxUK

RedFoxUK

Posted
5 hours ago, BossHogg said:
I must admit. Calling my ex a whore while destroying her ass was pleasurable. We didn’t use words like “sub” or anything.. she was probably surprised or maybe ***ed off. Personally, I never cared what she thought

That last line makes you the type of asshole that gives us all a bad name. 🤨

li****

li****

Posted
No, what he said is bs. The dominant person is responsible for the emotional well-being of their sub. Unfortunately, it's extremely difficult to find people who'll actually understand how the dynamic should work. And although cyberfun might sound safer, your chances of finding someone who's not only interested in getting their rocks off decrease even more. As a sub you get to set the limits you want - if, through this experience, you've found out you don't like to be treated in a certain way, that's a new limit for you. I highly recommend everyone that they study the ethics of BDSM before getting involved. If you don't have strong boundaries, people will try to exploit you.
Fo****

Fo****

Posted
  • Author
14 minutes ago, liliththedivine said:
No, what he said is bs. The dominant person is responsible for the emotional well-being of their sub. Unfortunately, it's extremely difficult to find people who'll actually understand how the dynamic should work. And although cyberfun might sound safer, your chances of finding someone who's not only interested in getting their rocks off decrease even more. As a sub you get to set the limits you want - if, through this experience, you've found out you don't like to be treated in a certain way, that's a new limit for you. I highly recommend everyone that they study the ethics of BDSM before getting involved. If you don't have strong boundaries, people will try to exploit you.

What you said about cyberfun - that is a very good point. And I suppose I've just learned that lesson the hard way a bit - while it seems physically safe, it is not necessarily emotionally safe. I did choose to end the dynamic, but I don't regret it because I learned quite a bit more about myself - what I need and what some of my limits are. Overall, this is a good thing and I can hopefully make better decisions moving forward. What do you recommend as the best sources for learning those ethics?

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