Can I be the wife & the whore?

[Newdeviant76]

When my boyfriend and I first got together, the sex was incredible. Intense, aggressive, needy, mind-blowing. Now, he says that he can't do it anymore because he's fallen in love with me. He respects me too much and doesn't want to hurt me. I've stressed that I would tell him if it was ever too much for me, and that I literally fantasize daily about it, but it doesn't happen anymore. We've been together a year. How do I be the loved, protected, and cared for "wife", but also be treated like the dirty slut in the bedroom? Our sex life was incredible. Now it's once a week, missionary and sleep. The only time the intensity is there is if he's ***. And it was never crazy - very aggressive sex, spanking, hair pulling, a bit of choking, and anal play. He would occasionally call me names, and tell me the dirty things he wanted to do with, or to me. All of which I loved, and I want to do so much more. ANY suggestions are welcome. I get left feeling like he doesn't desire me anymore.

[Deleted Member]

Part of the reason, my son‘s mother, my ex of 10 years again part of the reason I’m no peach but when two people first get together that’s where the intensity in the passion is in for some people that’s who they are me personally, I was in as time went on the sex changed. S part of the relationship there’s gotta be time to go into the dungeon so to speak and let all the nasty kinks and aggressive passionate sex come out.

[Deleted Member]

But to answer your question in my opinion, anyway you need to be the wife and a whore and he needs to be the horse been boyfriend, but sometimes he also needs to be daddy

[mo****]

It sounds like you need to sit him down and have a serious heart to heart conversation and tell him exactly how you feel. He needs to know that you are not happy with how it changed. Even if it only gets him to do all the things you want once a month it's a start.

[tj****]

I tell you what u don't need to say anything to him because if he loves u and wants you he should see your not happy a real man will know his woman and know when she is not acting rite or something is bothering her look if you are needing something in your life hit me up and I will help you with it and then when he sees you walking around all happy and bubbly then he might straighten up and get back to what he was when u all got together

[Deleted Member]

I had that same issue at one point. But I also realized that I wanted to meet my partners needs and that it was all in my head really. Try to ease back into it so he’s not too uncomfortable.

[Se****]

I can understand that he doesn't want to "humi...te" you as he fell in love with you now. But on the other hand, the fact that he did it tells that he likes it too. So I would recommend a trick for subs who want to confine from the actions they enjoy in a session: Create an alter Ego.
You both establish a "role" for you. Find a name for yourself that suggests an "easy girl" and create a character. Mask or blindfold yourself (or both) wear sth sl...ty and make appointments (maybe in a hotel) and pretend that you are just a b!tch he met online.
You can also make an account on a chat-site or app and chat with him as "the other girl" or so on. So he can address and see you in daily routine as the wife he loves and carries but by using a different name and role to address your "sl...ty side" and the other way around you can adress him in that way.
Additionally, you can also establish a role for him where he can be the rough guy who uses you (your role) for his pleasure.
After you're done, you transform back to your original self but not under his eyes. So let's say you meet in a hotel. So you leave home as normal people. You check in at the hotel, get dressed as "the name you chose," have fun and sepereate. Get a shower, get back in your normal clothes and go home. You can even "lie" to each other and tell each other stories what you did in this time. So you can have a secret little affair WITH each other.
Good luck to you:)

[Deleted Member]

Yeah take over be the whore you want to be

[po****]

That's rough. Try wig and roleplay

[Ka****]

Deny him the boring sex and tease in little ways constantly till eventually he will cave and fuck you how you want

[fi****]

Have you tried initiating the aggressive play first to see where that goes?

[we****]

Newdeviant76:

He does not know how to reconcile the two: goddess/whore.

Newdeviant76: you also do not know how to reconcile the two, and your confusion also fuels the discontinuity in your relationship.

There is a full ethical range in which everybody on some level wants - to some degree, even the smallest, and it is the dichotomy you speak of:

"How can I be treated as a goddess": cared for, adored, too pure to be sexualized: but BE A GODDESS AND GODDESSES ARE NOT DENIED WHAT THEY ETHICALLY DESIRE. Stand there and say: if you want a goddess, do what I tell you to: but only with the understanding *I would not ask you to do anything that would erase your identity*.

"How can I be a whore": spanked, manhandled, used for gratification: but BE RESPECTED AND HELD WHOLE AND AFFIRMED. Stand there and beg to be used: but only used on a way that you both desire and affirms you instead of erases you.

These two roles seem incompatible to most humans. They are not: they are simply the idea that you both can accept that kinks are not sexual desires but affirmation of the existence of love in all parts of the universe: where we can play in all parts of, inhabit roles that are part of the universe's identity: but still be good ethical people.

You just make sure you do not erase who they are. If he is not ready: move slowly, a minimal difference at a time: all motion in our universe.

If you see he will never be ready: be honest and be ready to see if you can live with hiding your identity or if the relationship must change.

Please and love sent to you

[po****]

Missionary then going to sleep ist how you treat a goddess especially if she's asking for more

[Ic****]

I really relate to this but from the opposite side. My now wife and I had an aggressive, passionate, wonderful dynamic in bdsm when we first got together. We explored together and grew together in that lifestyle and it was amazing. When we got married it died down a bit and once we had our first child she said she just couldn't be that anymore because she was wife and mom. For a long time I tried to explain to her that she could be those things when she needed to be and still be that whore who loved to be used and was never satiated in the depths of her submission to me but she hasn't really been able to come to terms with both of those people inside of her. I think there are people like me who can have that mental space between our responsibilities or public image and who we are in private and can flyidly move between the two. Then there are people like my wife who just dont have that view or ability. For her it is one or the other whereas for me it is either one depending on where I am and who I am around. I definitely understand your frustration though and I hope you can figure it out!

[Fe****]

I'm so very sorry this has happened to your relationship. It sounds so isolating and rejecting and it will undoubtedly impact the way you feel about the relationship in the long-run.

In my experience, changes in the level of sexual intimacy usually begin with damage to the emotional intimacy or communication. If either of you feels your needs aren't being truly heard or fulfilled then that negatively affects desire.

Sex can even turn into a thing of anxiety where one of you feels expected to perform and the more they feel this pressure, the more they withdraw from doing it.

Your needs matter too and some very frank conversation needs to happen with love, understanding and lots of reassurance. If you don't already, try to use "I statements" instead of "you statements" during discussions. If he has the emotional maturity to assert his needs when asking lovingly instead of just hiding behind the excuse of loving you too much then this could open up a dialogue about which emotional barriers he has getting in the way. Best of luck with everything

[Va****]

I can side with you on this personally. I found out that I still have the same mentally as you love me but fuck the SHIT OUT OF ME. I would always like to be ruined respectfully by my husband which he has came into recently. He has had experience that allowed for a release and exploration with another brat that enjoys ***. It may be a comfortablity thing for guys to do vs watch. My husband recently started slapping me for stimulation because he gets off on it. He may just need a comfortable teacher in that of exhibition or a talk

[xf****]

I've had. This happen to me. A few times once with my. Now. Ex wife with I. Was for 10 years and then with. My now ex. Partner that I was with for3 years ......


I. Don't know you 2 and I'm judging on your text so excuse me if I get things wrong.....

First I'm.a sapiosexual and an. Empath and for a man. Mental state of my. Partner is. Either an turn on or of.....

Ex if I feel doubt in you and. You're not feeling it I will know....

And it will stop. Me.....
I don't know if he. Has. That ability known or unknown....

The first time I stopped. It was because I did not feel appreciated in our relationship......I felt taken for granted and sex became a. Chorre ex like doing dishes and making food....

It was. Made. Worse when she stated demanding it......

I'm to dominant and that. Does not work with me either.....

She. Also did nothing to help like dress. Up etc....its a. Person who said she liked BDSM but did not feel. It in her soule for her it was a. Means. Of play instead of a means of. Living....in hindsight she was way to vanilla for me and to dominant....not sub enough and. More like a queen......

I don't. Know if. Something like. That happend I'm guessing you are way more slutty......and mor Pro active....

To me you sound pretty. Nice.....

In my 2onde incident it started of as a sex fling someone in an open relationship. That. Was in. A. Way. Like. You are and he had. Other. Lovers and. Never thought she would....it Turned into her divorcing and moving in.....

It was like you described hot steamy multiple times a day everywhere in the house against the counter in the shower etc...

But after 2 years she had a period of. Il health ......and she's slept. A lot.....

So we got out of sink.....I was horny when. She was asleep so I. Resorted to self play ....

So when she. Was. Wanting I was already done multiple times.......

I became. Even more caring then. I already was talking her to hospital etc and .the BDSM part stopped because I felt it. Was. Inappropriate even as. Dominant man to treat her " bad" even though like you she. Wished it and said she would. Not mind......

She did not feel it........she fantasize it but not feel it.....

Then she. Got used to the. Much pampering and she started demanding stuff. Like where is my. Thee . etc.....where she. Changed from sub / slut to brat /queen........

And it's not that as a daddy Dom. I did not want to please. My partner......

But that stuff substituted. The kinky stuff..... And. I again felt disrespected and not appreciated.....she started smoking again which made me not to kis and toutsh her....

So sex stopped....mind you we went to bed at the same time but due to her. Insomnia she was never there when I woke up.....so no morning cuddles or sex 2 which did not help.......

Eventually she got her a new place moved out lived partially together until she said on a vacation to friends at Christmas she did not love me anymore and wasn't ever living together again but still wanted to be. My " friend" ......which we are but there are no sexual feelings anymore.....

Honestly I have tossed and turned if I should have this person in my. Life.....

But that's not the point......

I showed you my pattern so you. Hopefully can start seeing yours......

Something changed and you need to find it.......if not it will sadly end like mine did......

It could be as simple as the fact not living together was more spicy / forbidden........and there could be many factors.....

One the one hand it's good that. He cares......ik would give the world for that........ especially if he's willing to stay with you with less sex.......
Some people flee and find other sources....and if he doesn't he really cares......

I get you mis it trust me I do 2 but trading lust for treu love.....I would always do that......

If He really cares maybe his family clock started ticking or he felt yours......

As to how to get it back....
Like I said Spot the pattern and undo the change.....but by all means talk openly and don't stop and hide behind a phone.......that was a big turn of in both of them....any time really....

But also don't forget relationships change and evolve when you are together.....it's not bad just different.....

Maybe this is just a faze a dry spell before the rainy season starts again....
Or maybe this is you 2 changing from caterpillars onto butterflys.....

Or maybe it's the end of an era.....

I wish I could help more...but it felt so familiar.....
 

[Si****]

What everyone has said is amazing but he could be telling you the truth…his domination may be linked to a side of him where he only wants to dominate woman that he doesn’t really care for and unfortunately he loves you so that might not be a reality anymore so you either have to talk about going to polyamory and finding yourself a new dom or ending the Relationship.

[14****]

Try dressing like a skank go to a bar tell him if he wants some guy at the bar to finger you

[cu****]

Others above have given you some great replies, and I do think attempting role play, alter ego type scenario could potentially work for you both. Worth a chat about and trying.

My opinion here might seem blunt and against the grain, but I think you've identified some worrying red flags and imho I think your man is ripe for cheating. I don't know your ages or level of experience/past relationships, but to go from intense incredible sex to weekly missionary sleep is worrying. 

Falling in love should intensify desire and sex.

You describe him saying it's because he says he can't because he's fallen in love with you...and doesn't want to hurt you. Well that doesn't make sense to me, nor to you I presume or you wouldn't be posting. If he sees this type of sex, that you previously enjoyed, together as being only for woman that he does not particularly care for, or indeed love, then he may well view this type of sex in an unhealthy way. It turns him on, clearly, as he previously enjoyed it with you. Now that he has deeper feelings for you, it seems he doesn't view it as the proper way to treat you. 

Of course, there is nothing at all unhealthy or improper in enjoying sex as you have described. A partner who is at ease with this will never view "hurting you"  or being a bit rough etc as a negative or something that is 'wrong'. Rather they will desire even more to fulfil your need.

That he views sex of this type as sex not 'appropriate' lets say for someone he says he loves is where the red flag is. If you have now become in his eyes the once a week quickie, roll over and sleep love of his life, then imo his viewpoint is skewiff and just as you are feeling unsatisfied, so is he. 

[45****]

What you're talking about about is the normal path of a relationship, going from objectifying the potential mate, once his heart and empathy opens, you become subjective, a person that is special perhaps massive amounts of caring for you. You are no longer the object. So yes if you want to feel objectified, a visual picture in his head, sexy clothing, all the things you did to get noticed. Never stop dating each other. How I kept the fire going even at 10 years....

[Ra****]

I would have a wife that likes to have an open relationship it's farther sex goes it's just sex and we would still be together after when I did it with my neighbor lady and threesome and watched her with another guy and the moaning and everything it really turned me on

[Deleted Member]

I am the mom in my every day life. 100%.

What happens to me, when I’m being the whore for my husband is no one’s business.

[Sophia-1384]

Hi

[Ra****]

I can't comment on your profile