Question re safely maintaining boundaries

[Se****]

Hi all, I struggle with verbalising myself at times because of a f.ear of disappointing or upsetting people or making them cross etc - I totally understand that this is a me problem that I need to work on.

However, I am wondering what is the best way to verbalise my boundaries to people without making them feel bad or anything else.

There are people I speak with who I’ve discussed my needs or told them what is/isn’t acceptable but the situation arises again. Sometimes these are people I consider friends/long term acquaintances other times they aren’t.

It is the friends/long term acquaintances I struggle to say anything to as I do believe that they don’t inherently mean to cause me harm or distress and I don’t want to make them embarrassed. But how many times should I need to tell someone that I’m not ok with something? And how do I do it successfully without causing other problems?

Any (sensible/well meaning) advice is appreciated.

Love,

X

[Ka****]

Same here. Don't feel worried about. It happens.

[Da****]

A good person asks about boindaries before trying anything with a person. This is often called "negotiation" this should be a safe time for you and your partner to express likes and dislikes before hand. People who cannot respect your boundaries are not people you should keep in your life. Of course theres compromise but only when you feel safe to do so! I hope this helps and puts things into perspective a bit

[Pr****]

The absolute Raw Me- Omg there is so much I wanna say. I totally resonate with you. You are not alone. I myself I am currently working on letting of traumas. I use chatgpt a lot for communication, and being okay about my own self worth and boundaries, and recently I have someone arrived in my life that's very accepting and loving, if I have to tell my younger self, I would tell her, that you are worth letting go the ones that can't own your greatness, because when you have your space and time availability for the right one to come, it will be beyond heaven. The key for me is valuing myself more, and I continue to work on it, specially those self thoughts that I am becoming more aware of it. ... There is so much going with me, and I want to keep this space for you, so you are not alone, and communication with yourself goes always first, Negotiation is important, but honoring the beautiful you and your soul is the most important of all.

[Deleted Member]

To be honest even if you have a dominant that is nearly perfect 99% of the time there is still 1% where they fail. Because we are human we are prone to error but because we are intelligent we are capable of fixing our mistakes and not repeating them. So if you tell someone that you are being harmed by an action and they do not fix it and they keep repeating it then they are no longer looking out for your best interest. I would say that in the little bit of information you have given it sounds like you have attempted multiple times to explain that a certain action is harming you and they are ignoring it which for me means they are not putting you first and they are practicing an unsafe form of the dynamic. And while some would go to an extreme and say cut this person off they are bad for you they are not doing what is right by you I am going to go a less extreme route and simply say no longer participate and withdraw your consent to participate in that activity which you are allowed to do. And I would encourage your dominant if they are reading this to check their own actions and make sure they are listening to their sub and not their own desire.

[Deleted Member]

Also my apologies I just realized you weren't targeting somebody specifically but you were talking in general. So let me amend my statement, saying no is one of your superpowers, not participating and withdrawing consent to participate in any sort of interaction that is harmful to you is not just your superpower it's your only safe power that you can use without repercussion. You do not ever have to feel bad about saying no and not participating in something that harms you and if people are disappointed in you or if people are cross with you because you said no to something that is going to harm you that is not okay. Try to remember that when you are saying no to something that is going to harm you you are protecting yourself and you are doing them a favor because they may not be aware that they are harming you and in the long run your friends and people who care about you would be devastated to find out that they were harming you so you are also protecting them.

[Ms****]

I would say that you are still stuck in people pleasing to express your boundaries. If expressing your boundaries makes them have a negative reaction to you - that is about them and displays that they are not respecting you as a person. Your boundaries have nothing to do with them, it is about you and what you feel comfortable with - not them. Would you question or be upset about someone else's boundaries? The answer is no. You might want to ask clarifying questions, but that is not questioning them. This idea that you can somehow phrase things so "you dont cause problems" - is the problem. You are implying that your boundaries should only be respected if it does not bother someone else. I would say a good practice is to reverse whatever you are having issues with and decide if it is worth bringing up. For instance, someone touches you in a way that feels uncomfortable - if your friend had that issue with you, would you want them to tell you? Would that hurt your feelings, or would you appreciate their honesty so you could change your actions?

[TravellingDom71]

I largely agree with Leoloves and Ms Red. Seeing as this issue is largely with friends and acquaintances I would recommend a very specific safe word that you can use in chat or in person and explain to them that if you use it its because they are overstepping and they need to backtrack and talk with you for further explanation. The genuine people will learn very quickly about these boundaries and modify their behaviour. The ones who don't are not people you should allow the opportunity to overstep. Hope this helps.

[Ku****]

For me this really comes down to carrying. Do I care care about the people that care or don't care about me.

Yes it is nice to please people if that is your love language. But you need to be mindful about yourself first. If you are not in a good place it will show. No matter how you mask.

For example

I love giving massages. I have strong hands and make those knots in mussels regret their existence. But if I am not in a good mood or have not gotten cuddles to refill my spoons. I will not really put effort into the massage.

This dose not mean the person getting the massage is responsible for helping me, it is always nice when there is a traid. Alad I am the one choosing to help that person. It is my responsibility to take care of myself before I take care of others.

In the end

Everyone give and take, you need to stay balanced to deal with life. The thing you need to ask yourself is. Are the things you need being met? If you want to stay with the people that are not providing it, are you able to get what you need somewhere else?

If you are not able or willing to talk to these people you care about.

Or

These people are not willing to care about you

You will need to put in the effort to find someone to fill that void.

PS

Sorry this was long. It took me a long time to start thinking about my needs. I host events and like helping others. Bit it is very draining if no one is refilling your spoons.

[Ir****]

The bottom line is you need to get comfortable establishing your boundaries and maintaining them. Start with small, clear, simple boundaries. Establish them, unambiguously. Don't hint, don't dance around what you need, and make it clear you're not mad. You're just stating your needs. If they push back, return the energy. If they violate your boundary, restate it. If they keep doing it, you need to confront them, and if they don't see your needs, distance yourself. People can misunderstand boundaries, thats human, but if you’re explicit, and they still don't respect them, they aren’t worth keeping around. IMO.

[po****]

Maybe give therapy a try. Your safety and comfort is more important than disappointing someone

[Deleted Member]

People who push your boundaries are the ones who need them….

If you aren’t ok with something. You should tell them. Every. Time.

If they can’t remember or respect your boundaries, it will cause problems when you bring it up again. Because they’re going to be mad they can’t walk all over you again. People who are mad at you for keeping yourself safe are not safe and you need to rethink how/if you spend time with them.

Good luck 🩷

[Deleted Member]

I have learned if people don't respect your boundaries then they don't love or respect you and that's a unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we have to walk away. I know it's hard but in order to love and respect ourselves we also need people around us who support and understand our boundaries. Boundaries with a healthy relationship are natural and aren't looked at as negative or punishing. It shows strength, wisdom, and that we care about ourselves!

[Da****]

You can try writing this issue down on paper and follow that with a solution. I'd consider an agreed up on safe word to pause the scene in particular that is bothering you. If this pause isn't respected moving forward clearly there is *** in the relationship.

[Li****]

I struggle with a similar personality and like you have awareness to some degree it is an area of my own that is as you stated "a me problem". I have been looking into this quite a bit and from the sources I've come across it is suggested writing down and clearly, directly stating the boundary is helpful. It is also suggested that practicing saying your boundaries outside of the actual event, either in a mirror or with a friend will better prepare you to speak up confidently when the event arises. It also was helpful for myself to read that boundaries are not only important for protecting one's own space and safety but also protect others interacting with you. It gives them ambiguous expectations etc. obviously when utilizing safe words and in sexual energy practices where power dynamics come into play there is a greater need to have established respect and trust in the individuals involved abilities to honor flexibility, consent, and self mastery and awareness.. easier said than done but hopefully his helps. There are many workbooks/free PDF worksheets online to help develop and practice boundaries. Maybe a Google search of boundaries for the HSP/EMPATH might resonate.

[xLittle_Lady_of_Lotx]

All you are asking for is to have your boundaries to be respected as you would respect theirs. If it's not respected and a discussion doesn't happen about it, then someone is going to get hurt. Just make sure it's not you xx