Poly

[pr****]

Hi, i don't know how to start this given I'm hard headed and sometimes don't like to listen. I'm starting a relationship with someone that is poly and I would like first hand advice in navigating as a beginner. Please no remarks. It's hard enough asking for help and advice.

[qu****]

It’s so important to be up front about what you want and need in poly, and take time for yourself to work through your worries and jealousy both alone and with your partner/s. There’s a book called Poly Secure that you might find helpful.

[BruiseWayne]

You need to be a little more specific I think.

 

What is it you're having difficulty with exactly? 

 

Honestly tips for a beginner? Don't get jealous and set boundaries like how much each of you are comfortable with the other talking about different people/partners with one another. 

[Deleted Member]

Imagine a solar system. Does it have one sun, two suns, what is your/their role analogous to that. Time and intervals. Depending on where who stands make sure you have a common definition of when who spends time with whom and try to make those equal. Decide early whether you want to know everything or know nothing about the other person. Or if you want to fully integrate. Half measures leave room for ambiguity and confusion in my experience. One or the other might be the healthier approach.
Golden nugget of advice: offer or ask a slice of whatever kink play they/you are doing with the other. It demystifies it and removes a source of conflict.

[pl****]

If you are starting a relationship with someone looking for the poly lifestyle. 1. You need to start this new relationship as a monogamous situation. 2. Do not start a poly relationship until you have a trusting strong relationship. 3 always have clear boundaries and write them down so there is no later complications of boundaries of all involved 4. If you are adding a female, your partner needs to search for the female… to many men look for someone they want but women needs to be sexually attracted to the new partner. For same sex relationships are not something that is easy to ‘pick’ a person you both are attracted.

I hate when a man messages me for a 3 way situation. That is a huge issue for me. My sexual desire for a same sex partner is not something the man in a poly relationship can search for.

It’s something different for a Bi person looking for the new person you are bring in. I want the female to contact me about this type of relationship. I need to start with the bisexual person in this relationship to see if I am even attracted to her first… this new relationship will take so much time so you need to be invested in your partners.

Hope some of this helps.

[ge****]

My only advice is tread very carefully - be sure of boundaries on all sides and be sure you can trust they'll be respected.

I've recently experienced the *** of when things go wrong and it's not pleasant at all.

[pr****]

Thank yall, this is new territory and I've been out of alot due to restoring some trauma. The comme is revived some anxiety. Yall are appreciated

[Ca****]

I have never been in a "poly" relationship but have previously been in two cuckold relationships , when introducing new people to a relationship it's vital to have excellent trust, and communication have clear understanding of everyone needs and define rules what's allowed and not etc .

[db****]

I've only had bad experiences trying to be "tolyamorous" for someone else so I'd wholeheartedly recommend against it unless you're actually poly. Pretty sure that's not the answer you were looking for though. Good luck.

[Te****]

Just try to be transparent with everyone and have open communication and try to understand where each other is coming from oh and set your boundaries and speak up for yourself. I hope this helps

[ra****]

Be honest with yourself about whether or not it’s something you’re comfortable with and understand that it’s ok for it to work for you one day, but decide later on it’s not.
The only way you can get what you need and want from a relationship is by not being afraid to ask for it and be honest if you don’t feel like that person is willing or able to give it to you. Great thing is, you don’t have to settle as long as you are comfortable being alone and being patient until you find what you’re looking for.

Hope that helps!

[Sw****]

I suggest reading the book mentioned above by another commenter, Poly Secure. Clear communication and well defined boundaries and expectations of the relationship are key to this. I would also ask this new partner what being ‘Poly’ means to them, as there is some confusion as to what that is exactly and some people confuse it with open relationships and ethical non monogamy (ENM). These types of relationships are not for everyone and that’s okay. Also being poly doesn’t necessarily mean sharing partners (polycule) or engaging in threesomes (throuple). It’s different for each person involved which is why it’s necessary to have that conversation about boundaries and expectations, and have regular check ins with each other.

[Deleted Member]

Start with a MFM or FMF. If you feel comfortable and not jealous it is great. When you 3 are together talk with them and find out what you like or dislike. Then ask yourself, would you like them around you 24/7 . Now imagine both would be asexual, would you still have the wish to be a part of them and share bed and bread?

[Co****]

There are many ways to be poly just like there are many ways to be dominant or submissive. What exactly is the dynamic you are getting involved in? What is your role? What is the role of other partners? Is your partner poly and you are not? Or are you both going to try integrating other partners? You need to understand exactly what you are getting into and ensure that you are comfortable with that arrangement.

[Deleted Member]

The biggest thing you will need to focus on is communication. Have a long conversation about boundaries, expectations etc. Being with a poly person means you are accepting you will have to share their emotions and their body with someone else.

There are many positive aspects to poly relationships, but they are not for everyone. Only you can decide if you are okay with it, don't go along with it if you're not 100 comfortable.

[ey****]

10 hours ago, pretty-praire56602 said:

given I'm hard headed and sometimes don't like to listen. I

if you're entering into a relationship with someone who is non-mono you're going to have to learn to like to listen.

If you're unable/unwilling to do that this is not going to work for you

10 hours ago, pretty-praire56602 said:

I would like first hand advice in navigating as a beginner.

in monogamous relationships it's generally... well... you start the relationship and maybe see each other more and more often as things get more serious

with non-mono it's the opposite.

Firstly, initial dates are going to be around not only their personal time/commitments but any time they're already planning on spending with another partner.   But, initial dates have "new relationship energy" so when you're shiny and new they will want to spend more time with you and take you to favourite places and so on.  

But then there becomes a point they need to see you less often as (a) they need to spend extra time with another partner they were seeing less (b) it may be they get another new partner and they become the focus of the new relationship energy

and that can be hard to navigate if you've not done this before.  You end up either jealous or feeling a third wheel if they do something with another partner you wanted them to do with you and you have to learn to accept and adapt to not being the sole centre of their attention

Of course, if you can exist in an environment whereas instead of being someone's everything, you're someone's someone special - this can work in many ways.  If they like a certain type of film or entertainment and you don't, they can go with a partner who does.  

[Ka****]

By Poly you mean polygamous?

[Es****]

1 hour ago, Kafuetiger said:

By Poly you mean polygamous?

Obviously, they wouldn't mean Polydor music or Polyoxybenzylmethylenglycolanhydride (Bakelite)

[Sw****]

2 hours ago, Kafuetiger said:

By Poly you mean polygamous?

I believe this person is talking about polyamory

[ey****]

35 minutes ago, Es0terin said:

Obviously, they wouldn't mean Polydor music or Polyoxybenzylmethylenglycolanhydride (Bakelite)

I had it down as polyester

[Deleted Member]

My advice is to treat it like you would any other relationship, just with the knowledge that your partner might decide to have additional partners. And remember that openness & honesty are vital in poly relationships.

[Es****]

6 hours ago, meandstuinvegas said:

My advice is to treat it like you would any other relationship, just with the knowledge that your partner might decide to have additional partners. And remember that openness & honesty are vital in poly relationships.

100% Right, it's all about communication, openness, and honesty. Almost impossible if you are a naturally jealous, selfish, or entitled person.

[pr****]

Thank yall again, im just going through the flow given that alot of my mentality has changed.im just looking tovbe successful in exploring this part of my life

[Es****]

51 minutes ago, pretty-praire56602 said:

Thank yall again, im just going through the flow given that alot of my mentality has changed.im just looking tovbe successful in exploring this part of my life

I wish you the best.

[Ro****]

Do your research: Understand your motives and challenge monogamous thinking. There are books you can read, online resources, etc.
Communicate openly: Be honest with yourself and potential partners about your desires and boundaries from the start.
Go slowly: Don't rush into new relationships. Focus on building meaningful connections, not collecting partners. It's easy to go overboard at first, trying g to meet some imaginary playmate quota. Don't pressure yourself like that. Even if a poly person is currently only seeing one person, it is not monogamy.
Manage emotions: Jealousy is normal. Use it as a chance for personal growth rather than trying to control others. In my experience, this is usually rooted in insecurity and comparison. Remember, comparison is a thief of joy.
Plan logistics: Figure out time management, and discuss safe sex and boundaries with all involved. For this, you need to be able to be willing to bring up slightly uncomfortable matter if something is not okay with you. Just throughly think on the matter.