To kick off Poly month here at Fetish.com, we're talking D/s dynamics and One Penis Policies (OPP). Is it OK for a Dom to demand their female sub only sleep with other woman – not men? Our BDSM writer Molly gives some pearls of wisdom on the subject. 

Dear Molly, 

Is it OK for my Dom to have a 'one penis' policy? When I first met my Dom, I told him I wanted to explore being polyamorous. He seemed fine with it, but as time has gone by, it seems he has gone off the idea of me seeing other men and I have found myself agreeing to seeing other women only. I was OK with that as it was fun exploring relationships with women – something I had not done before – but I recently met a man who has captured my interest and would like to see where that relationship might go. Do you think my Dom’s request is reasonable? 
Poly 

A picture of Molly Moore. BDSM Tips

Dear Poly,

First off, what is a One Penis Policy (OPP)? An OPP is when a cis couple have an agreement where the woman in the relationship can have romantic and/or sexual relationships with other women, but not with any other men. Usually the man in the relationship is free to have relationships with other women as well if they wish to. It is not confined to kinky D/s relationships – you'll find One Penis Policy dynamics in the swinging community and other communities who identify as non-monogamous. You haven't mentioned whether your partner is free to be with other people too, but I am going to assume that is the case. 

I resonate with your feelings a lot because I was in a past relationship where I agreed to a OPP. For a good number of years I felt fine about our situation, but it stopped working for me in the end – which seems to be the case with you. So let’s look at One Penis Policies in a bit more detail. 
 

Negotiating boundaries in a One Penis Policy dynamic

On the face of it, as long as both people are happy with the situation, then it can definitely work for them. The problems arise if that one-penis rule or policy is being forced on someone against their wishes.  In your situation, as was the case in mine, it sounds like you were happy to agree to the OPP request at the time – and even enjoyed it – yet now it's not working for you. The issue, though, is (I suspect it) the situation still works perfectly for your partner.

 

Having it all

A One Penis Policy means that your partner gets to have it all. Freedom to explore other relationships with women, whereas you are not able to do the same with men. Often people who pursue a OPP have strong jealousy issues related to penis-in-vagina-sex, and see it as a form of ownership. There also can be a feeling that 'real sex' is penetrative sex, so two or more women playing together is just a bit of 'girls having fun'.

For a lot of men it can be a huge turn on to imagine their partner with other women, which means that any relationships she does have with other women may feed him sexually too.  There are complicated issues that surround an OPP and every single dynamic is different; there are couples for whom it works perfectly for the long term, but in my experience it is an agreement that has a short shelf life. People change. 

 

Changing tastes 

One of the important parts of negotiating a D/s dynamic, or any relationship for that matter, is acknowledging that people change and rules and agreements need to evolve as the relationship does. Being able to approach your partner openly and honest about your desires and what you want to explore is a really important part of having a healthy and happy sex life. This is the key knowing where you are at present – and where you want to go. 

Reach out to your partner to have a conversation about why a One Penis Policy is not working for you anymore, and how you would ideally like to navigate your dynamic going forward. Be clear about why it doesn’t work and what has changed. Sometimes a conversation about ending or tweaking an OPP can make the other person feel like you're ending the whole relationship, so make sure you come prepared with a potential plan for how it might work in the future.  

 

Give your Dom time to get his head round it 

Don't expect to resolve the issue overnight. Finding a new way of living your relationship after an OPP will take time. Your Dom is definitely going to need to do some emotional homework to work through why he needed this kind of One Penis Policy to begin with – and why his partner forming relationships with other men makes him so uncomfortable. It is not easy looking yourself in the mirror like this, but if he is willing to self-reflect, you'll both be well-equipped for a new, and hopefully better, relationship overall. 

 

Is ending a One Penis Policy a dealbreaker?

This does work both ways. Your desire to open up your relationship might turn out to be a dealbreaker for him. You will have to decide if staying in the relationship with former restrictions in place is worth it. In fact, this may be a dealbreaker for you.

Don't fret –there are many conversations and much work to be done before even thinking along these lines. Ultimately, though, you should be prepared to face some difficult questions from your partner, and yourself.  

 

Do you think my Dom’s request is reasonable?

Honest answer? No, unless you are completely comfortable with it, and it makes you happy. But really it is not me who needs to answer that question – it is you. Do you think it is reasonable? I suspect you know the answer. 

Good luck. Molly x

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Ae****

Posted

I think, maybe... he can definitely demand it. Why not? He can demand anything he wants - and you can tell him that that's a shame, because although you like him, that setup doesn't work for you anymore. If you're not happy having him as the only male you sleep with, and he's not happy if you sleep with other men, that's the end of the relationship.
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SexxyMoeFoe

Posted

12 hours ago, BrambleBryar said:

Coming back to the situation involved here, does wanting a one penis policy suggest a lack of emotional awareness from the Dominant? As we are all human, this would be utterly understandable and we are all on learning curves in kink (or I certainly am!). However, in terms of being dominant, is emotional insight and security one of the central skills to being a healthy Dominant?

I don't think it suggest a lack of emotional awareness.  I say this because they went into the relationship with both partners wanting a poly relationship.  From an outside perspective it seems like (and I could totally be wrong) that he's using his "power" as the dom to dictate what she, as a sub, can and can't do. I believe he's fully aware. There are many doms who feel believe they dictate the terms of the relationship... and if that's the understanding, then it's fine since both parties agreed... but in this situation that doesn't seem to be the case... It seems to me to be an abuse of power.  

Secondly - doms are people, no matter what they tell you. LOL.  I don't think it's fair to think they have any more emotional insight or security than anyone else. (They don't. Like not at all) That's why communication is so important. IF he is unaware, then now he'll know. IF he is aware and is doing it anyway, he needs to understand the situation isn't agreeable. At least then she'll make informed decisions on next steps...

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Ie****

Posted

Molly's advice is a bit one dimensional on this particular topic in my opinon. I mean, it depends on the circumstances - in a situation where a wife of many years wants to try a relationship with a women - a single penis policy may be more reasonable... An example might be in a committed throuple where all partners are acting as though they are all married to each other...

Another use is in a "Master"/"lifestyle slave" dynamic - where the Master's "control" over the slave is fundermental to the dynamic.

I think it's a very personal choice whether you'll willing to enter a relationship with a single penis policy or indeed, a single vagina policy. I do feel that in some cases, it can be a very good choice/fit for certain individuals, whether for you or not - is a decision for YOU and YOU ALONE! I believe it works best in committed long-term relationships where a "-like" commitment between partners exists - everything is shared and nothing is keep secret!

Nobody should every be forced into anything in any relationship, BDSM or otherwise and every aspect should be carefully discussed, negotiated and written into a BDSM Contract or agreement. All aspects of the relationship should be regularly reviewed with further discussion, re-negptiation and BDSM Contract/Agreement amendments made where required.

 

That's just my view....

 

- James

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Montechristo

Posted

I wish I had two penises but I only own one 🤣🤣🤣
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Br****

Posted

Digressing here, and not to offer excuse, just wondering how to understand. In people’s experiences, are One Penis Policies more common than One Vulva Policies? A very superficial search suggests OPPs are far more common - I wonder why? There’s an interesting article on the misnomer of “toxic masculinity”, see (https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/583411/) and this excerpt seems potentially apt -

“Connell and others theorized that common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control. Male violence in this scenario doesn’t emanate from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Rather, it comes from these men’s social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.”

Is this what drives insecurity over tolerating a penis that isn’t your own when your submissive is involved? 
 

Coming back to the situation involved here, does wanting a one penis policy suggest a lack of emotional awareness from the Dominant? As we are all human, this would be utterly understandable and we are all on learning curves in kink (or I certainly am!). However, in terms of being dominant, is emotional insight and security one of the central skills to being a healthy Dominant? I’m interested in what people think. I guess this underlies once again, as most people here have commented on, that open communication is so critical! x

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Posted

For me personally, opp isn’t poly.. it’s a man getting several cakes and eating them all. Unless you only want other women, I would tell him straight it’s not working for you and you’re also interested in other men. If he can’t work with that, it’s not a true poly relationship.

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Gimp

Posted

This is cool

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Br****

Posted

If you are happy with this and it feeds both of your needs, go for it x Although, that you wonder “is it reasonable?” suggests you see the inconsistencies. My own opinion is that in a poly relationship, if certain activities are banned purely due to the biological sex of the other partner(s), then it is worth having an open conversation to try and understand why your partner makes these distinctions. In my experience, it usually comes down to insecurities or misconceptions, which are areas that your partner can work on, with your support if they wish or consider counselling, but which should not limit you. Despite you being his submissive, you are both equal partners who agree to a power exchange. As your Dominant, he has a fundamental duty of care to you, which includes making reasonable requests, being aware of your needs, and having the emotional insight and maturity to address his own issues (we all have them! : ) ) in a healthy way. Restricting you because of jealousy, insecurity or perhaps subconscious emotions he is unaware of, is not reasonable. Perhaps ask him to consider why the idea of you with a man versus you with a women specifically makes him uncomfortable? Good luck x
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SexxyMoeFoe

Posted

It sounds like he's changing the rules in a way that you don't agree with. Don't feel that because it's the dom, what he says is final. There should always be communication and agreement on boundaries. It seems insincere for him to demand an OPP from you but keeping his side of the relationship open. (And no, unless you genuinely want a relationship with a woman, that doesn't count).

Personally I wouldn't accept this and if he had a problem with that I would question our relationship.
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Posted

Rules for Sharing BabyGirl with others:

When being shared with others (men, women or couples), BabyGirl with ALWAYS be wearing Daddy’s collar with bell, leash and his jeweled anal butt plug in her ass. This is to symbolize that BabyGirl is always owned by Daddy even when she is being fucked by others.
BabyGirl will not kiss other men on the mouth. That intimate act is exclusively reserved for Daddy. However, BabyGirl may kiss any woman she desires in public or in private, with or without Daddy’s presence.
BabyGirl will not have anal sex with other men or women. That intimate act is exclusively reserved for Daddy.
When BabyGirl is being shared with other men, Daddy will always be present to keep her physically safe, to ensure her emotional safety and to encourage her sluttiest behaviour.
When BabyGirl is being shared with women, Daddy only needs to be informed of BabyGirl’s plans in advance and then all the details of her sexual encounter are to be shared with Daddy upon returning home.

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silver779

Posted

Having spent 10 years in a poly relationship i will never consent initially to a one penis policy.
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MsDrawers

Posted

Of course it's reasonable for people to have and maintain their boundaries. The clear inference here is a situation in which there's no limit on other genital configurations but his is the only penis present and that's an asymmetry that warrants more attention, depending on what all parties want and are comfortable with. If six women are involved and he's always involved in play, as he wants, then perhaps this warrants further dissection. It's somewhat disingenuous to pretend that all negotiations happen on an even playing field. They should, but containing the power disparity in d/s to negotiated areas takes work from everyone, or we have one penis and endless vaginas because that's the way he likes it. And yeah, that's gendered just as the question was.

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Ma****

Posted

I dissagree that it is not reasonable for someone to request the boundaries that they require to feel security within a relationship.  It is also perfectly reasonable to reject those boundaries and say that the relationship is no longer right for you, and in turn they may decide that if you do not respect their boundaires they no longer feel the relationship is right for them. 

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Bo****

Posted

I only have one penis!

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qu****

Posted

Depends on the Dom/sub dynamic and what's been agreed to basically

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