Molly's BDSM Tips | My Dom Wants a 'One Penis Policy' – I Don't

To kick off Poly month here at Fetish.com, we're talking D/s dynamics and One Penis Policies (OPP). Is it OK for a Dom to demand their female sub only sleep with other woman – not men? Our BDSM writer Molly gives some pearls of wisdom on the subject.

Dear Molly,

Is it OK for my Dom to have a 'one penis' policy? When I first met my Dom, I told him I wanted to explore being polyamorous. He seemed fine with it, but as time has gone by, it seems he has gone off the idea of me seeing other men and I have found myself agreeing to seeing other women only. I was OK with that as it was fun exploring relationships with women – something I had not done before – but I recently met a man who has captured my interest and would like to see where that relationship might go. Do you think my Dom’s request is reasonable?
Poly

Dear Poly,

First off, what is a One Penis Policy (OPP)? An OPP is when a cis couple have an agreement where the woman in the relationship can have romantic and/or sexual relationships with other women, but not with any other men. Usually the man in the relationship is free to have relationships with other women as well if they wish to. It is not confined to kinky D/s relationships – you'll find One Penis Policy dynamics in the swinging community and other communities who identify as non-monogamous. You haven't mentioned whether your partner is free to be with other people too, but I am going to assume that is the case.

I resonate with your feelings a lot because I was in a past relationship where I agreed to a OPP. For a good number of years I felt fine about our situation, but it stopped working for me in the end – which seems to be the case with you. So let’s look at One Penis Policies in a bit more detail.

Negotiating boundaries in a One Penis Policy dynamic

On the face of it, as long as both people are happy with the situation, then it can definitely work for them. The problems arise if that one-penis rule or policy is being ***d on someone against their wishes. In your situation, as was the case in mine, it sounds like you were happy to agree to the OPP request at the time – and even enjoyed it – yet now it's not working for you. The issue, though, is (I suspect it) the situation still works perfectly for your partner.

Having it all

A One Penis Policy means that your partner gets to have it all. Freedom to explore other relationships with women, whereas you are not able to do the same with men. Often people who pursue a OPP have strong jealousy issues related to penis-in-vagina-sex, and see it as a form of ownership. There also can be a feeling that 'real sex' is penetrative sex, so two or more women playing together is just a bit of 'girls having fun'.

For a lot of men it can be a huge turn on to imagine their partner with other women, which means that any relationships she does have with other women may feed him sexually too. There are complicated issues that surround an OPP and every single dynamic is different; there are couples for whom it works perfectly for the long term, but in my experience it is an agreement that has a short shelf life. People change.

Changing tastes

One of the important parts of negotiating a D/s dynamic, or any relationship for that matter, is acknowledging that people change and rules and agreements need to evolve as the relationship does. Being able to approach your partner openly and honest about your desires and what you want to explore is a really important part of having a healthy and happy sex life. This is the key knowing where you are at present – and where you want to go.

Reach out to your partner to have a conversation about why a One Penis Policy is not working for you anymore, and how you would ideally like to navigate your dynamic going forward. Be clear about why it doesn’t work and what has changed. Sometimes a conversation about ending or tweaking an OPP can make the other person feel like you're ending the whole relationship, so make sure you come prepared with a potential plan for how it might work in the future.

Give your Dom time to get his head round it

Don't expect to resolve the issue overnight. Finding a new way of living your relationship after an OPP will take time. Your Dom is definitely going to need to do some emotional homework to work through why he needed this kind of One Penis Policy to begin with – and why his partner forming relationships with other men makes him so uncomfortable. It is not easy looking yourself in the mirror like this, but if he is willing to self-reflect, you'll both be well-equipped for a new, and hopefully better, relationship overall.

Is ending a One Penis Policy a dealbreaker?

This does work both ways. Your desire to open up your relationship might turn out to be a dealbreaker for him. You will have to decide if staying in the relationship with former restrictions in place is worth it. In fact, this may be a dealbreaker for you.

Don't fret –there are many conversations and much work to be done before even thinking along these lines. Ultimately, though, you should be prepared to face some difficult questions from your partner, and yourself.

Do you think my Dom’s request is reasonable?

Honest answer? No, unless you are completely comfortable with it, and it makes you happy. But really it is not me who needs to answer that question – it is you. Do you think it is reasonable? I suspect you know the answer.

Good luck. Molly x